THE GOD WHO CARRIES ME THROUGH

It is finally the last day of 2009.

I turn my thoughts today to a recurring theme this year – counting the cost.

If something is free, that means that there is no cost, right? Well, yes, and yet, no.

Luke 14:26 says, “ If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters – yes, even his own life – he cannot be my disciple.” (NB: ‘hate’ because in comparison to our love for Christ, our love for all others must be so insignificant that it would be as if we ‘hated’ them)

Why?

Because “No-one who puts his hand to the plough and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” Luke 9:62

No soldier signs up for war only to hesitate in the middle of the battle-field because he fears death. It is something that has to be dealt with before. Sure, he still fears… but he should have made up his mind that regardless, he will keep fighting. He would have to consider that losing his life, leaving behind a widow and fatherless children are all very real costs to be paid.

But he would have to be fully convinced that it is a war worth the cost.

We are not fighting a physical war. Yet, the costs are very real too.

Following Christ would mean being a wanderer on the face of the earth... sometimes not knowing where or when we would go – but to go wherever He leads and whenever He leads. We will not always have worldly comforts. Should we expect better if even Jesus says, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head”?

It also means putting the cause of the Kingdom of God in front of family and society’s expectations when circumstances call for it. Yes, following God may mean dissapointing lots of people.

Very close to that is also learning to release the people we love into God’s hands. Loss of time spent, and as a result - closeness and the building of relationships – these might all have to be sacrificed.

Christ asks us to count the cost. To know now that if we had to make only one choice, which it would be – to continue ploughing or turn back.

He who has ears, let him hear. Luke 14:35b

It is a war worth fighting, and most of all, we know He is a General worthy of our utmost trust and obedience.

Sigh, I don’t think I can say that I hate all these things. I’m not there yet. Don’t get me wrong, I am not aiming to love ‘all these things’ less. The problem is not that we love these things too much, but rather… we do not love Christ enough.

So let 2010 be a year of loving You more.

I bid farewell to you, 2009, with no more long winded words… but merely a smile on my face. I shall let this chapter of my life close, with many fond memories and precious lessons. =)

2009 will always be the year where You are – the God Who Carries Me Through.

WHY CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS?

As Christians, we are conscious of the existence of two kingdoms – one earthly and the one heavenly. And as fallen human beings, we struggle… to live in this world, yet to be not of this world but of the heavenly kingdom – a kingdom often unseen and unacknowledged by the masses of people. Sometimes, if we’re not careful, living in this world blocks our view of God, and in embracing this kingdom we forfeit the heavenly kingdom.

Philip Yancey echoes this same sentiment of living in two worlds.

“I, a citizen of the visible world, know well the struggle involved in clinging in belief to another, invisible world.”

But this is only one side of the story.

“…creation also introduced a gulf between God and his subjects, a gulf that can be sensed all through the Old Testament. Moses, David, Jeremiah, and other bold wrestlers with the Almighty flung this accusation to the heavens: “Lord, you don’t know what it’s like down here!’ Job was most blunt: ‘Do you have eyes of flesh? Do you see as mortals see?’ Job10:4”

“Christmas turns the tables and hints at the struggle involved when the Lord of both worlds descends to live by the rules of the one.”

(All quotes by Philip Yancey, Finding God in Unexpected Places)

Christmas is one of those times of the year that I treat a degree of ambivalence. Why should we celebrate Christmas? Jesus himself always reminds us to remember his death, but not his birth. Even Paul says “For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.” 1 Cor 2:2. The fact that Christmas has been overly commercialized to be all about Santa Claus and reindeers don’t help. Not to mention the Christmas tree which is a remnant some pagan festival. AND we don’t even know when Christmas day really is!

The only Christian ‘festival’ of any significance then would be Good Friday and Easter weekend – for it is the crucifixion and resurrection that is the basis of our faith. The symbol of Christianity is thus a cross, not a manger or a star.

So why celebrate Christmas?

Because, for the first time in history, God sent an answer to Job’s accusation.

‘Do you have eyes of flesh?’

Yes, indeed He does. ‘The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.’ John 1:14

On Christmas day (whenever that was), in the dark, in the cold, among the wrinkled hills of Bethlehem, in an unkept manger in a lowly stable… an Infant struggled to make out the faces of those who hovered above Him.

A CHRISTMAS ESCAPADE

It has been two years since I was last on an LRT train in the heart of KL. KL on the whole hasn’t changed much – at least from the view point of an LRT passenger. Whereas the eyes that now took in that very same landscape sees the world quite differently compared to two years ago. It was akin to stepping into the past. I can remember vividly the times, circumstances and the people I travelled with when I had been on LRTs in times past. I can remember too, the emotions, hopes and fears I carried with me then… and also a sombering realization that many of them are no longer relevant or true of me now.

It was just like old times… the four of us in a restaurant in Sri Petaling. No different from the times when we would drive out for a drink in between classes in IMU. Yet, we were no longer pre-clinical students who laughed about how P. Kumar’s lectures were as long as they were incomprehensible, or complained about how harsh Htin Aung can be in CSU, or spin up scandals from thin air XD. Rather, we are those who had been through tough transition times, here now to share of the lessons this past year had taught us, and how He was personally real and present with each of us, all along the way.

Whoever said reflection was only an activity done in solitude? A time of reflection is also embarked upon in recapping the year to another… although one may only realize it after. In my meet-ups with people, I found myself saying and bringing up topics that did not cross my mind in times of quiet reflection (perhaps it is also because I am having less of these lately >.<). And a better reflection is grounded upon a proper perspective of the past – which can sometimes be clearer through the eyes of another.

Eu Pui later sent me this message after our little recap of the year, “Opened to God. That’s how I’ll sum up my impression of where you are. Open to new experiences, taking risks, and where He’ll lead you. That’s the best place to be.” I certainly hope so.

And apparently when I first came to Melbourne, my resolution was to ‘be more of a people person’…and I guess I’ll have to say that I’m definitely on my way there! =D

This year has certainly been a hard one to say goodbye to. Now that I’m home in Malaysia, life is filled with many distractions as a result of living with family. I’m glad I managed to have a Christmas escapade, even if it was only for two days. I thank God for the many people who took time to listen and share of the experiences and highlights of this year… and most importantly, of the part You played in our lives.

He who was seated on the throne said, I am making everything new! Then he said, write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true. He said to me: It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son. Rev 21:5-7

We look forward to the new year as well as the remaking and redeeming of all Creation. We thank You for being the one constant in our lives, the beginning and the end. We acknowledge that it is You, and only You, who brings life and is the source of life. Help us to persevere and thus overcome… in Your Name...

Can I be perfectly honest? I'm sick of being a seat warmer in an upper middle class Malaysian english congregation. (And I've not even done that since coming back! Cos I'm going to a BM service later to see how it is... Two whole months last year was quite enough for me. -_-")

About 5 years ago when I first went to KL, the sort of church that I was looking for was "a church that sings Hillsongs and Planetshakers". However after FES happened, I began to realize that what I want was a church that had strong evangelical, Bible based teachings... and that was what made me settle down in my current church in Melbourne. Now, after Soup Van (as part of St Vincent's de Paul Society) and a little bit of Mercy Ministry (in my church, although not directly funded by the chuch)... I know that the sort of church I would seek out when I return to Malaysia for good is a church that actively reaches out to the local community.

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. Mat 5:14-16

I don't want to be a lamp under a bowl... so open doors for me.

AVATAR

It just occurred to me that all four movies I’ve watched in cinema this year are fantasy/science fiction movies. (No prizes for my favourite movie genra!) But of all the four, I’m guessing only this one makes us wish for a moment that it was all very real.

I made a resolution at about this time last year, that with every movie I watched and liked, I would sit down and try to figure out what is it I liked about the movie – so that it doesn’t become just mindless entertainment (and to convince myself that it wasn’t an absolute waste of time!)

Avatar tells the story of Jake Sully, an ex-mariner left paralysed in his legs by past wars, who chose to defy limits by participating in an outer space mission on the planet of Pandora. Through a series of ‘unfortunate events’, he finds himself in a rather new position in a program called Avatar, where one’s conciousness can be transferred into the cloned body of the alien indigenous race. As he delves more in this new race and their ways of life… slowly but surely, his view of his world as he knew it changed - never to be the same again.

I like how the movie contrasts the two worlds of Jake, the one in his lame human body where the scenes are all grey and dreary, and the one in his Avatar body… where the scenes are breath-taking and wonderful. And as the movie progresses, we find Jake saying to himself, that the real world has now become a dream world, and the world through the eyes of his Avatar body has become the real world.

I especially liked the scene where he first wakes up in his Avatar body, where he is no longer bound to a wheel chair, but stands and runs for the first time in years, and is able to feel the sand in between his toes.

Of course as the story goes, at the movie, he finds that he can never return to the world he once knew… and chooses to remain in his Avatar body, and with his new found family and world.

One thing I find different about this movie in comparison to the other fantasy stories I’ve seen – at the end of the day, it is not quite triumph by man’s strength. There is no uncertainty of the triumph of good over evil… if only Eywa (the inanimate deity of Pandora) would help. I like how Jake in his Avatar body realizes that he can never do it on his own, and beseeches Eywa for help on the night before the big battle. It would have been a lost battle, and indeed was one, before Eywa came to their (and the planet’s) rescue.

Are we crying out for a better world … where the lame find themselves made new again? Do I also hear a cry to say – “No, there is only this much we can do by our own strength”? That if we are to have any hope at all, any chance at all, something higher and greater must come to our rescue, without which we are completely lost?

I hope so… that, at least, would be a good start.


After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence.
Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.

Hosea 6:2-3

Let us know and acknowledge this – that You are our only one hope, without which we are completely lost. But ours is not a battle uncertain. No, of this Hope we are certain – because surely, You will come.

Indeed, You have already come - You have won it all… that we may be made new and live in Your Kingdom, all the days of our life.

WITHOUT WALLS

I have looked forward to be back for many weeks! (largely due to the fact that the majority of my friends have left, coupled with wanting to catch up with people and not wanting to study any more!) But now that I'm back, I find the prospect of 3 weeks of holidays quite daunting! Sure, there are lots of people I want to meet... but all of them are in other places other than Melaka!

I am generally someone who hates prolonged holidays (More than one week = prolonged).

So, I was looking at my blog posts from last year to see how I coped with the 'problem' of holidays the last time around... and, I suddenly realized that I've been writing on this blog for almost 5 years!


Pictures record specific moments in the past in a visual form. Blogging, on the other hand, records times past in terms of threads of thoughts and feelings.

In this span of almost 5 years, I can see the many and varied seasons of my life unfolding... different areas of growth, different struggles, differnt triumphs, different lessons learnt, and different/evolving styles of writing too.

It is encouraging to see how far You has brought me, and often times too, I feel as if the 'me' from a different time and season is spurring me on through words of encouragement that I've written at that point in time.

But I must say that this is only possible because I have been quite honest with my writing - sometimes quite blatantly honest (as I discovered while reading past posts).

Which is why this blog is sort of anoynymous... and only those whom I call friends would know the girl behind the posts, and know her so much better for the posts.

So this blog is also me, without the walls I sometimes unconciously build around myself.


Well, back to the 'problem' - looking at posts from last year... it seems that I have lots to reflect on, books to read, movies to watch, and also a song to write. =D But I am also quite a different person from last year - so it might be safe to expect a few other things added this time around. :)

Ok! I shall remain anoynymously (except for those who already know me)...

Your's truly, as always,
eguitarist(4christ)

XD

THAT MY HEART MAY SING

Today I said my goodbyes to two good friends who will be leaving straight after exams on Friday (they're in a different group in the exams so this is the last time I'm seeing them this year!). So fast.. the end of Paeds & Women's.

This Saturday in ISM cell, we'll be having a farewell party for another dear Pharosian who will be getting married next March and relocating to Singapore. That's one more girl less in my cell group. =( That's two losses to Singapore this year! Haha, but into God's plan for them.

There'll also be a reshuffling of cell groups in MUOCF next year... so last last Friday was actually my last time with them as a cell group - and I don't think I actually realized that. Yeah, we'll still all be in MUOCF... but it's going to be quite different for sure. That means new people to get to know too! =)

And I am well aware that at this time next year I would have been sworn in as Dr. (surname), and would have packed my room into boxes that will be shipped back to Malaysia. I'll be singing, "I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again...". Thankfully, both my parents will be around to drag me up the plane by brute force if needed. XD

I too, need to see past my feelings... to see past what is temporary to what will remain. I'm so glad it's the holidays! Well, technically soon anyway, although it already feels like it is. =D

And you know what? I find myself surprisingly content with the year ending just as it is, and with what will be in 2010 - surprisingly content with letting You paint this canvas... as how You will.

I know the end product will be nothing short of BEAUTIFUL.

I started this year thinking "this is the lowest I could get", yet..... 2009 has turned out to be the best year of my life. What more can I say?

Other than..

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever. Ps 30:11-12

It was so that my heart may sing to You and not be silent.

And my heart sings... sings to You.

I'm happy about something... but I can't pinpoint what exactly.

I seem to have a lot of these moments lately.

XD

NOBILITY vs CALLING

Deep inside every melancholic is a desire to ‘save the world’ through self-sacrifice. We all have grandeous notions of nobility. Take Moses for example… tsk tsk tsk.

It is a warning for me too : Do I want to work in East Malaysia just because it is a noble thing to do??

The hard labour, absence of appreciation, the ugliness of the real world… it will all sink in and break any notions of nobility or self-sacrifice.

Nobility ain’t gonna bring me very far!

I think that was what my Dad was trying to tell me – “You’re too idealistic, you don’t know how it is… once you go there, they’re not going to let you come back!( to West Malaysia )”.

Well, which is all probably very true.

My own grandeous ideas of nobility will be too small or me to live for. And myself too, for that matter, or even my family, or the people in my country (or my dog, if I ever have a dog )… will all too, be too small for me to live for.

Only GOD is BIG enough to live for.

I sure hope I really learn this lesson, and not have to spend 40 years in some desert learning it! XD I sure hope I’m doing this because You have called me, not because of any grandeous notions of nobility.

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SO the next time you’re thinking of doing something just because it’s a noble thing to do… BEWARE! Notions of nobility ain’t gonna get you very far!

But….

If you’re doing something because God has called you to… now, that’s quite a different story altogether. =)

THE HONOR OF JEHOVAH

Eu Pui once said that she didn’t want to do any more Bible studies with us, because she wanted to live out first what she had gained from previous studies – in a way, to catch up with what she had learnt. (Please don’t kill me if I quoted this slightly wrongly! XD)

And I find that that is very true… you can study the Bible in one year if you wanted to… but it takes an entire lifetime to even live out one small portion of it!

I am going over my study on the life of Moses again… for that very reason.

For quite some time now, I’ve been thinking… “Moses is really quite amazing!” (just ignore me, I think I’ve sort of fallen in love with Moses! XD)

But really it’s not just Moses. Even from the first two chapters of Exodus – there were the midwives who feared God rather than Pharoh and let the Hebrew male babies live, and also Moses’ mother Jochebed, who was a living example of what Jim Elliot once said – “He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” As a result, the son whom she gave up to God, to do as He will, became possibly the greastest man in all history used by God.

The Bible is littered with many more men & women, who through their actions chose God over their own lives. Hebrews 11’s hall of fame is just one very small portion of it – think Rahab, Esther, Mary & all the Prophets!

The Bible shows us that it IS POSSIBLE to choose God over mortal life.

God will enable us to do what needs to be done in this life as a result of choosing Him – but the choice to first choose Him must come from us. Many have chosen to do so in the Old Testament times, eventhough they did not have the Gospels and their knowledge of God was nothing compared to what we have today.

Yet they still trusted Him – trusted that He is who He says He is, and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith…” Heb 12:1-2a

If I were to die now, I imagine that I would just want to stand and be a doorkeeper at heaven’s gates… because I would not dare enter and face all these people who chose God over life… and I wouldn’t dare face the One who gave His life so that we may live & live abundantly.

How hard is it to choose God in this era? Some may say it’s harder, others, easier. We may not have to choose God at great peril to our lives (at least not yet), but we must not forget to choose Him even over the ‘little’ things in life – it will be the mark of someone who has chosen God over life.

We are called to be living sacrifices.

More than anything else in her life, Jochebed wanted to keep, love, and raise her son. Circumstances seemed against her. But she said to God, in effect, "Not my will but thine be done," placing her infant in God's hands. As a result, she received him back to raise as her own, which he truly was. And God even paid her wages while she did so! (BSF notes)

May we, like Jochebed, come to find that as we release what we have to God, He takes it and makes so much more out of it, than what could have been if we had just kept it to ourselves. (Indeed, Moses would have just perished like any other male Hebrew baby and not the be amazing man that God moulded him into!)


And I should get back to studying. XD Oh... I have said "all the best" to so many people who had exams before me and then said "goodbye" to so many people who have flown back. Year 5 is such a long drawn out course!

I am suddenly missing my grandma’s chicken soup! XD

Moses spent forty years learning something, forty years learning to be nothing, and a final forty years proving God to be everything. (D.L. Moody)

Now... if I live to be 75... I sure hope it goes something like this:

Eguitarist spent 25 years learning to be something, 25 years learning to be nothing, and a final 25 years proving God to be everything.

From where I am now, I would say that that seems to be quite accurate. XD

I will walk with You.

A BEAUTIFUL MONDAY MORN

I like Maria Shandi’s songs because they are often simple yet very heartfelt. The lyrics to this one may make it appear as if it has a very emo feel to it, but it is actually quite a happy song – one that you can sway to - just what I need on a cloudy Monday morning.

Kadang Tuhan ijinkan
S’gala beban persoalan
Agar kita melihat
Kasih Yesus yang nyata

Hatiku percaya
Hanya Engkau harapanku saat tiada jalan
Dan saatnya ku nantikan
Kau bekerja indah pada waktunya

(Hatiku percaya – Maria Shandi)

Sometimes God allows
The burdens of uncertainty
That we may see
The love of Christ ever so clearly

My heart believes
You’re my only hope when there seems to be no way
And I wait
You make all things beautiful in its time

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecc 3:11

This verse has two parts that are interlinked, yet the first part is often overquoted, and sometimes in disregard to the second part.

How many times do we wait and wait and wait, saying things at present are not ‘beautiful’ but God will make it so when the time comes? Rather, does the verse actually say that everything at present IS already beautiful, just that we being short-sighted mortal beings are unable to see the beauty of the present in relation to God’s master plan? That when viewed in light of eternity, everything in the now IS beautiful?

Help me to see my cloudy Monday in light of Your eternal plan.

I wait… not for You to make things ‘beautiful’ in its time (as how my human eyes see it) – but I wait… just upon You.

CHRISTMAS CAROLS & SABBATH

When I was still in IMU, this time of the year usually means one thing (Yes, EOS in IMU were freaking late too, but that’s not what I’m thinking of!) – carolling! Good memories of walking from one apartment to the next, wearing reindeer horns and santa hats and the refeshments that the lecturers or our fellow IMU-ians would have ready for us at the ends. And also how we would dread requests for ‘Twelve days of christmas’ because we’ll all go SOB! SOB! (short of breath) by the seventh day stanza. XD But so fun! I wonder why I’m getting quite homesick as each day passes…

Anyway, I remember that my favourite song from the list was ‘Christmas isn’t christmas’. Sigh, this song brings back such memories!

But that was 2 years ago! My current favourite is this one - ‘We were the reason’, which I first really heard on Maria Shandi's album... and last Friday OCF just sang it at our last meeting of the year!

As little children
We would dream of Christmas morn
Of all the gifts and toys
We knew we'd find
But we never realized
A baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

We were the reason
That He gave His life
We were the reason
That He suffered and died
To a world that was lost
He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

As the years went by
We learned more about gifts
The giving of ourselves
And what that means
On a dark and cloudy day
A man hung crying in the rain
All because of love, all because of love

I've finally found the reason for living
It's in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do every word that I say
I'll be giving my all just for Him, for Him

He is my reason to live

(We were the reason - David Meece)

My all just for You - even exams.

Eventhough I went for Planetshaker's service in the morning followed by lunch with cell, music practice then the 6pm service in my church (?last time playing with my band?? >.<), and didn't get much studying done today... I feel sort of rested.

Thank You for this Sabbath. :)

KING OF GLORY & KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR

I was writing a card to ‘you-know-who-you-are’ (yes, it will come soon! XD), when I remembered these verses.

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

Zephaniah 3:17

Yes, I believe that God wants the best for us more than even we do, but He has never promised that it would come in the package of a ‘knight in shining armor’.

Let’s believe together, that even if our knight in shining armour never comes while we are on this planet called earth, God will be more than enough for us. Indeed, He has been, is, and will always be our Knight in shining armor - our King of Glory, mighty to save, who came for us and fought for us, and triumphed over sin and death. He will take great delight in us, quiet us with His love, rejoice over us with singing.

Who is this King of glory?
The LORD strong and mighty,
the LORD mighty in battle.

Lift up your heads, O you gates;
lift them up, you ancient doors,
that the King of glory may come in.

Who is he, this King of glory?
The LORD Almighty—
he is the King of glory.
Selah

Psalms 24:8-10

Let us lift up our heads, look and see… it is He, our King of Glory, victorious from battle. He will come for us…

He is, and always will be – our Knight in shining armor.

He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God. Rev 19:13

A BREAK

Just 3 weeks more.

I never thought I would say this – but I need a break from Melbourne.

But not a holiday, I don’t need a holiday…. I just need a break from myself.

Won’t You show me something bigger than myself? In the streets of Malaysia?

I am no longer afraid, no longer hessitant. I am ready, ready for You to show me the extent of Your Kingdom.

No, I NEED You to show me… because if I do not see You or hear Your voice in the streets of Malaysia calling to me, “Come, follow me”, these nets will be so hard to leave behind.

Let this break not be a holiday, but a pre-assessment of the mission field. I am willing, send me… show me Your face in the streets of Malaysia.

Did You not lead me unto the streets of Melbourne this one year for this? Did I not always call upon You in Bahasa for this?


“What is it God is preparing you for? And when it happens will you know it?” Ps Sunny

MALAYSIA

As I look at all the notes and cards and pictures blu.tacked upon the wall in front of my desk, I’m really looking forward to flying back for the holidays.

MALAYSIA!

There would be plenty to do in a time span of one and a half months! People that I’ve not seen in almost a year, especially my year-end review with Eu Pui. Also, the preparations for returning for internship in Malaysia – the one month medical elective in Melaka General Hospital and to seriously look for a home church (although I’m not sure where in Malaysia I would be interning?). And I sort of miss my little brother (who would kill me if he reads this!).

FINALLY…….. Studying.

I finally do feel that I’ve done everything I wanted to do & been everywhere I’ve wanted to be in Melbourne this year (with the exception of just a few more things that already have been booked into my calendar) – which means I can finally focus on studying!

In the meantime…….. STAY ON THE ALTAR!

“The problem with living sacrifices is that they keep trying to crawl off the altar when the fire gets too hot.” I have no idea where that quote came from – I only know that it is very true.

As a 17 year old who was overjoyed at being offered a scholarship to study medicine in IMU & Melbourne, PLUS A-Levels, PLUS all living expenses covered… one doesn’t think very much of the complications of signing that contract.

I never imagined that this gift would also be my cross.

Ten years being bound to the government is a very long time. I never thought about how much that would tie me down and put a limit on the choices I can make. I never thought about the sacrifices that would have to be made…

I guess what makes it doubly hard as well is that the world offers me a choice - I could break my contract (which is what lots of people do) and pay just RM160,000 as stated in my contract (in comparison to what the people in the year below me have to pay – every single cent spent on them – because the Malaysian government finally wisened up!).

Everytime this issue crops up, I have to try to explain to people why I wouldn’t just stay on in Melbourne and pay off that sum (which apparently can be paid off on a loan basis too!). It befuddles people that I would choose to return to a country where doctors are treated as slaves when the way out is so easily attained.

The why...

I have chosen to follow Christ, no matter where He would choose to lead me, no matter what sacrifices have to be made and ‘curtains drawn over the theatre of my dreams’. The only reason I can stay on the altar is because my eyes see the One who is my Forerunner. I see a Man on a cross… and I know that it wasn’t the nails that held Him there – it was His love for you and me. And similarly it isn’t the contract that binds me.

There was a Gethsemane before the cross. And I too, have mine …although sometimes it just doesn’t come across how much I want to stay, because I want more to be where He is – but I do, I do want very badly to stay in Melbourne.

I will close this year with how I opened it :

I lay all my wants at the foot of Your cross…. not my will but Your’s be done, only ever Your’s…

Keep me on this altar, no matter how hot the fire gets.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Cor 12:9

Indeed it is.

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer,
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like Your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

(Everything in its time - Corrinne May)

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. Heb 11:8,10

I don't need to know exactly where this journey goes, or how long it will take to unfold.

All I need to know is that You walk with me, and that every day is one step closer to the city with foundations - and into Your everlasting arms.

MY YELLOW WOOD

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?” John 21:15

This night I am led to the final chapter of the gospel of John.

The study next year by BSF will be on the book of John. Having studied through the book of Matthew the whole of last year, yes, I definitely benefited from it….but… lets just say that I did not enjoy it as much, nor did it give me as many ‘aha!’ moments as did my study on the Life of Moses this year (as evindenced by no posts on this blog in regards to Matthew but quite a few on the Life of Moses).

Because of that, I was actually considering to discontinue BSF next year, eventhough if I had to pick a gospel to study - it would most definitely be John.

But now as I read through this last chapter, I am thinking – what a very apt ending it would be to next year, like how this year’s study is. I can almost hear Fiona lecture on the very last day, “Similarly in our lives, Jesus asks of us – do you truly love me more than these? We of course, like Peter will answer in full eagerness – Lord, you know all things, you know that I love you – to which Jesus’ reply would be ‘Follow me!’ Girls, that is what he asks of us each day, to follow him… and if we truly loved him, we would. Will you choose to follow him this day, no matter where he leads?”

And in conjunction with that, the cloud will finally lift for me.

Soon and very soon.

What would be left for me is to follow, wherever He leads.

Just a few weeks ago, while Kim and I were trying to find our way in the Botanical Gardens, we came to a fork in the road. And of course as we DID pay attention in literature class in ?Form 4, we started reciting… “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both…”! (That was as far as we got though XD) That was another one of those moments where something random that was said stayed with me.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

(Robert Frost – The Road Not Taken)

It is a rather… perplexing poem. I am glad that perhaps only the first stanza has any relevance for me… because thereafter, I see Jesus standing in one of them, saying to me, “Follow me!”

And, as I predicted what my BSF lecturer will say one year from now…

“If we truly love Him, we will.”

THE LAST CLIMB

I am finishing off the last portion of Deuteronomy in my BSF homework this night.

One particular question catches my attention – (as Moses ascended Mount Nebo to view the promised land of Canaan before his foretold death), “What do you think were Moses’ thoughts and emotions at this time?”

Hmmmm........

---------------------------------------------------------------

Moses, ‘the man of God’, spent the first 40 years of his life as the powerful prince of Egypt; the following 40 years as an unknown and obscure shepherd whilst in exile; and the last 40 years of his life leading the Israelites out from Egypt and across the desert to the very borders of the promised land. He passed away at the age of 120 in Moab.

When foretold of his death and prohibition of entering the promised land, his immediate one concern was that someone else capable should be found to lead! He then proceeds to give a sort of sermon that lasted for 37 days, which is the book of Deuteronomy. "Do not forget God, choose God and in doing so choose life, and love God with everything you have." To the very end, Moses’ one desire was for God’s chosen people to enter their inheritance as per the promise of God.

---------------------------------------------------------------

I can imagine him climbing the mountain, perhaps every step heavy. I can picture the hue of light as the sun rises in the horizon, inching it’s way up with every step that Moses takes. I can perhaps hear the deafening silence, only to be broken by the friction of his soles against the ground. And, I wonder if his last journey was a lonely one as well, like how his leadership in the desert was.

Before this study on the life of Moses, the thoughts that would come into mind at the mention of his name were definately that of the ten plagues and miraculous signs, especially the parting of the Red Sea. And of course, Moses holding the two tablets of stone coming down from Mount Sinai. Who doesn't think of that? ;)

That, to me, was Moses ‘the man of God’ – the great leader who led more than 600, 000 people in the exodus.

But now that I have seen beyond that, what makes him ‘the man of God’, to me, is quite different.

I see Moses as a man who has learnt that the best that he has is not quite enough, he knows that God alone is his strength.

I see Moses as a man who underwent frustration, dissapointment and sorrow, yet has learnt the meaning of surrendering to the will of a sovereign God.

I see Moses as a man of great compassion for a ‘stiff-necked’ people who rejected him and God again and again, in how he never tires of interceeding on their behalf.

I see Moses as a man who cares nothing for himself, but everything for God’s honour and grand purpose for the Israelites.

Ultimately, what makes Moses ‘the man of God’ can be summed up in Hebrews 11:24-27.

By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh's daughter. He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a short time. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king's anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible.


So what were the thoughts and emotions of 'the man of God' who had spent a great part of his life labouring to bring the Israelites into their inheritance? I can’t imagine… I’ll have to one day ask the man himself. XD

So ends my study on The Life of Moses this year....

May we too see You who is invisible… and in doing so, persevere.

.... and I realize that I am actually just happy to be at the beach.

Thank You.

:)

*another one of those moments where words cannot express*

TAKE IT ALL

I don’t want the year to end.

But all things must soon pass away, and You have taught me to not hold on too tightly to earthly treasures… even the moments of life.

I could hold on to the year, but I know that my grip will not last for long, eventually it will have to be pried from me. And the things that we hold on to will eventually turn to dust in our hands, because there is nothing in ourselves that can bring life.

So we give it to You, to make beautiful in Your way, and in Your time (the year is too short!).

Let this year pass…. I give it back to You, the joys and the pains, the blessings and trials, every friendship and ministry… and of course, my studies. “Take, take, take it all”.

I release my grip.

I only ask that You help me end it well, and pave the way in my heart for a brand new year – with new joys and pains, different blessings and trials, and perhaps new/different friendships and ministries.

But the same God. =)

ALL THE WAY

Although this year has been the most satisfying, sometimes it feels like there is still so much more that I want to do.

Street Evangelism, Soup Van, discipling, Bible Study Fellowship, playing in 2 bands, and now Coffee Ministry. It has been a time of stepping forward beyond my comfort zone and learning to TRUST. Okay, so maybe I did do all that I wanted to do.

BUT…

I would have liked to be present with everyone - which is not easy considering I’m studying medicine too! And wanting to do lots of things besides.

I would have liked to be present more with You too.

It doesn’t take much to do things, but with relationships, no matter how much time you give… it still feels like there is more that you could have given and want to give?

I SURRENDER.

It just makes me realize that I can’t be everywhere and with everyone. There are times and seasons… and I have to learn to see and take them as they come, as they change, as You put them in place.

NO REGRETS.

Many choices have been made - many things taken up, yes, but also many things turned down. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choices… especially if I turned down the right things. But I am glad, and indeed I have no regrets… because I know, this is where You would have wanted me. It is not being everywhere and doing everything, but being where You want me.

WRAPPING UP.

Three weeks plus more till exams. And there’s just probably a couple more things I need to do to wrap up my time in Melbourne this year! I remember that I promised Eu Pui that I’d do something crazy this year. I doubt I’ll go dance in the rain (like she suggested, well, unless anyone wants to accompany me! XD), but I will do something as equally crazy – and as equally dumb.

I THANK YOU FOR A GOOD YEAR.

The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.
Deut 1:30-31

Yes, I did see… how You fought for me, and how You carried me – all the way.

I give thanks – to the God of my life, to a God who has been present with me, all the way.

Who am I to keep my time to only spend with people I like? My time does not belong to me, but to You. Yet...

I can't.

I don't want to.


Give me a Supernatural Love.

I am sorry.

FOR YOU

I really don't feel like playing tomorrow...

When your team mates are really hard to get along with, it really helps to know why you're doing what you're doing in the first place.

For You. I play for You. No one else.

Help us to play for You.


All my grand plans for me
Have tumbled down around me
No matter how hard I've tried
The best that I've got has died
Help me Lord now that I start to see
That You only want to rescue me
But the one thing that's hard to see
Was that You rescue me from me

I'm losing myself to find
New life in this love divine
I'm losing myself to gain
What I could not attain
And the losing me is killing me
I can see You want what's best for me

(Losing Me - Pocket Full of Rocks)

TICK TOCK

‘Tis the last day of October.

Changing seasons, but yet You’re still here with me.

This time I was there for the last official MUOCF meet of the year! :) And the high turnover rate really reminds me that time waits for no one. It’s been almost two years since I’ve met some of them, and only less than six month for others. Although I’ve not been there all the time, but my MUOCF cell will always hold a special place in my heart because it is my very first fellowship here in Melbourne. So I’m making up for lost time by studying with people before they fly off straight after their exams (like they always do!). Oh, and yesterday we wrote our last words for each other, which is already blu.tacked on my wall. Thanks Christine! =D

Yesterday too, was the last day of our intensive 8am to 5pm lectures & student presentations for Women’s health (I still have one month of wards & clinics though!). We had a lecture on population growth, which turned out to be a discussion session and the message of the speaker was “Freedom for women from excessive fertility.” – that contaceptives should be made available over the counter, especially in developing countries, where the ‘problem’ is most rampant. His grand plan to save the world was to ship boxes of The Pill off to these countries! (excuse my bias-ness). In the middle of the discussion, he picked a Muslim girl and asked her to give an opinion on how Muslims view contraception. At the end of her mini-speech, I was very tempted to clap indeed – the gist of what she said, was that contraception was not prohibited, but Muslims believe that children were a gift from God, and as such it is not thought of as a problem but a blessing, and therefore very few Muslims would want contraception although it isn’t prohibited. And that abortion is definitely a no-no. I respect her indeed, for saying what she said, in the way she said it – respectful, but with no apologies.

Which brings the thought to mind, that as Christians, it is not acceptable to not have an opinion, or even to have a superficial one. The issue of abortion has come up several times during the course. It is not acceptable anymore, to keep mum about these things and not give a Christian perspective when issues like these crop up AND it is not acceptable that the only voice heard from Christians is that of protesting against abortion. It is rather ignorant to think that it is as simple as making abortion illegal - it is not. In an ideal world, there would be no abortions, but we do not live in an ideal world.

I’ve realized so much more that the clock is ticking. Despite studying medicine for 5 years, I’ve never thought of myself very much as a medical student. I’ve never really taken seriously where You’ve placed me currently. But it is time. Joining the Christian Medical & Dental Fellowship will be a good start next year.

Informed voices must be heard. It is not acceptable anymore to not have an opinion.

And the clock keeps ticking…..

Changing seasons.

Changing places.

Changing circumstances.

Changing roles.

But You remain the same, and Your years will never end. Ps 102:27


I am a Christian medical student returning to Malaysia.

IT'S THAT SIMPLE

*pushes all the stuff off my table with one clean sweep of my hand* (metaphorically)

I'm skipping a full five lectures... and there's probably a few calls that I should return soon within these few days.

The good news is that the two assignments are done and over with, and the presentation slides for this afternoon is roughly done. I'm glad that I generally have exams and not assessments/assignments!

I miss the times when I could just sit, no rush, and bask in Your presence for however long I liked. And now that I don't have that luxury, I find that I have to create time by pushing all these things off my table... no matter how important they may seem - they can wait. Whereas for me, I'm already beginning to shut down.

I need You.

It's that simple.

Not sleep, not physical food, not the comfort of friends asking me if I'm ok/stressed and need to talk.

I'm frustrated that I don't have time to spend with You.

So I'm pushing all these things off my table momentarily.

Cos I desperately need time to rest at Your feet.

LOVE SONG FOR #1

In the twinkling stars that dance like fireflies
In the blushing fruit that hangs upon the vine
In the face of a baby as he forms his first smile
I see You

In the whisper of the wind's soft lullaby
In the laughter and the roar of the rushing tide
In the song of a sparrow as he takes his first flight
I hear You

Why do You hide among the nameless and forgotten
Why do You walk along these long forsaken roads
Calling to me in the hungry and the homeless
Calling me to water Your thirst

So I'll give You my heart and my song
In a world where so much is right
But so much is wrong
Your love is my beginning and I know it won't be too long

Till I see You
I hear You
I love You

(Love song for #1 - Corrinne May)

Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday. Why should I be like a veiled woman beside the flocks of your friends?

Songs 1:7

A MUSIC VIDEO

I found this music video by Corrinne May the other day. It has been quite awhile since I watched one that stunned me so… every scene in it has such a beautiful wistful quality about it.

It’s one extremely sad song too – about putting into God’s hands the people and the moments we love so dearly.

I especially like the opening scene of clouds. I am reminded – when the cloud lifts, I am to be ready too… to move, to wherever it settles. I must march on, to wherever and whenever You lead. But knowing the where and when doesn't make the journey entirely easy too.

I could try to put the other scenes into words too, but really, I don’t think it can be done. There are many things in life that cannot be put into mere words, or at least I find that I can’t. And I’m glad that I don’t need to, at least not with You.



He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Ps 91:1-2

Yes, indeed I will say so, and rest in the shelter of Your wings... till this storm passes for me.

Sedalamnya hatiku pun Kau tahu.

GETTING HONEST

I wonder if I purposely want to be distracted? So that I can avoid thinking of this.

I can keep this from people… but what makes me think I can keep it from You?

Get honest with You. Get honest with myself.

It’s not the money, it’s not the 36 hours, it’s not even the flawed system.

I’m just so very, very, very, tired of this cycle of building up and letting go.

To start from scratch. Again. Relocate. Again. Say my goodbyes. Again. To be alone in the midst of a multitude. Again.

Reality will definitely hit. When my friends acquire those two sought after references. When they frustrate themselves with the choices of hospitals. When they submit their applications. When they wait anxiously for the results. When they prepare for the interviews. When their internship positions are finalized.

And at each point it will hit – I am not doing all these… because I am leaving.

It is not something I can run from. Not anymore.

So if lately I’ve been a lot quieter or laughed considerably less, particularly in group settings………….. you know why.


And of course, lately too, I'm afraid there’s also some danger of giving part of my heart away. Which is…. annoying! ....I think… I do seriously.... like him.


*Prolonged sigh*

It breaks my heart...

that there is so much to do, yet here I am unable to move.

It breaks my heart...

that though You're supposed to be more than enough for me, I want.

It breaks my heart...

that I am continually distracted by all these things, and forget You.

So hold me now and hold me close.

And let these tears be more than just emotions, here today and gone tomorrow.

Oh Lord, You can work miracles... work a miracle in my heart.

GOODBYES

Yesterday someone said to me, “I try so hard to hang onto all my relationships, yet they always seem to slip away.”

OCF Anniversary Nite – a night where the old committee steps down and the new committee takes over. For the old committee, it is a time of letting go and moving on, and also a time of looking back and testifying of how God has grown, used and carried them through. For the new committee, it is a time of taking on in faith and preparation, and looking forward to God’s grace poured out in abundance that will enable them.

It is also a time of goodbyes. Old committee leaves, new leaders are redistributed and even cell groups reshuffled. No one is spared. Everyone says some sort of goodbye in one way or another.

Here I find myself blogging about goodbyes again. Try as I might, I know I can never avoid it, as long as there is Tomorrow. Through the years, I’ve said my fair share of goodbyes. Next week, I will say goodbye to a dear sister Pharosian. Next March, yet another one. And oh, don’t get me going about next December!!! Melbourne will be my toughest one yet.

We build up and let go. Build up and let go. Build up and let go.

It’s the same with every ministry and relationship. Think about it.

It takes a lot of time and effort to build up, only to let go. But we shall look harder, beyond that.

Ultimately every person and ministry belongs to God, not us. We build, to offer it back to God as a pleasing sacrifice – every person and ministry. If we have loved much, gave much, and fussed over much… we will find that when the time comes to offer it back, we will have no regrets. But of course, since they meant much to us as well – a fair share of tears will be shed.

But every single tear I cry is a diamond in His hands
And every door that slams in my face, I will offer up in prayer

So I'll give you every breath that I have
Oh Lord, you can work miracles
All that you need is my "Amen"

So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
I hope it's not too small

I trust in you
I trust in you

(Five loaves and two fishes - Corrinne May)

Lets look forward to the grand reunion then, when no more goodbyes will need to be said. And in the meantime, to hang on hard to God; love much, give much, and fuss over much – no matter how fast the goodbye will need to be said.

And as much as we can hang on to God, He hangs onto us harder still with an invincible grip – He will bring us through every tear, every heartbreak and every goodbye that needs to be said.

We will never slip out of His hands.

But there also lies a grim reminder – there can be goodbyes that last for an eternity.

Use us too, Oh God, that at the end of our days, we will not have to bear the regret of goodbyes that last for an eternity.

IN HIS HANDS

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no-one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell.”

-C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

I opened my email to find this quote sent to me by someone dear to my heart. Yes, I love C.S. Lewis quotes too, Clara!

Dear to my heart, because we’ve mostly been through quite similar experiences up to a point - because our hearts broke together. And through her I saw how someone could be so broken, yet so strong, because she knows the value of Christ and clung onto Him with all her might. She’s also my personal laughter catalyst – everytime she laughs, I can’t help it but laugh myself! I can always depend on her to send me heartwarming emails.

“We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it.”

– C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

It was also her who sent me this quote about six months ago. Time flies! And at that time… I forwarded it to a certain person too, not realizing that I would subsequently pay so much more attention to this person that I ever thought I would! Life can be funny, and uncertain. Sometimes frustrating. And at other times it makes you feel rather dumb and childish too, because you sort of really should know better.

Well, whether be it funny/uncertain/dumb/childish, I’m glad that in the midst of all this, I have Someone who clings unto me and will never let me be blown away by the storms of life, be they petty or huge. He is my anchor.

As Oswald Chambers said, “We can be certain of a God who holds uncertainty in the palm of His hands.”

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Amen, Clara.

I can be vulnerable, because and only because… I know that I can rest secure in a God who holds everything within the palm of His hands.

THE GRAND BALLAD

The book of Songs of Songs is probably one of my top three all time favourites (other than Psalms and the Prophets). Time and again, I never fail to always find something in them for every season of life.

My other Bible calls it ‘Kidung Agung’ – ‘The Grand Ballad’(literal translation). I like to call it thus better. :) I like the Grand Ballad because it becomes a benchmark comparison of my love for my Jesus, or at least... it's a model of how much I should aspire to love Him.

How is your beloved better than others,
most beautiful of women?
How is your beloved better than others,
that you charge us so?
‘Grand Ballad’ 5:9

The beloved here is asked such by her female friends after she has charged them to relay the message to him – “Tell him I am faint with love” – if they ever chanced upon her lover.

Her answer to their question is worth a read… although it is hard for us in this modern day and age to not read it with one (or both!) eyebrows raised, or exclaimations of “What the..??” (accompanied by furrowing eyebrows).

But really, reading it, one comes away with the feeling that she must have spent many a day and night meditating upon, and admiring the qualities of her lover. She describes him from top to toe leaving nothing unpraised!

And she ends with this:

His mouth is sweetness itself;
he is altogether lovely.
This is my lover, this my friend,
O daughters of Jerusalem.
‘Grand ballad’ 5:16

His word is sweetness itself – it brings life and joy to the heart of his beloved.

Also, being one who has pondered day and night upon her lover, surely, she knows what she is talking about when she says, "He is altogether lovely".

Will I also be able to answer thus (in modern language and in relevance, of course) when others ask of me how is my Jesus better than others? And will my answer reflect that of someone who truly is in love, and has been reflecting daily upon and admiring His qualities?

Lastly, something that I'd very much love to say on this earth as well - and I realize is exactly what is said here by the beloved... I can say this of my Jesus:

“This is my lover, this my friend.”

How is your Jesus better than others?

TUHAN HARAPANKU (THE LORD MY HOPE)

Ketika diri ini mencari arah
Mencari-cari kedamaian jiwa
Tiada pernah terfikir
Takdir menemukan kita

Lautan bergelombang
Dipukul ribut taufan
Demikian jiwaku
Suatu waktu dulu
Bagai tasik yang damai
Dilingkari alam permai
Demikian aku kini
Sejak hadirMu di hati

Atas kurniaan yang satu ini
Rasa syukurku tiada terperi
Selama di badan nyawaku menumpang
Kaulah saja harapan

(Sejak HadirMu - Juwita Suwito)

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Saviour and my God.

Ps42:11

I will come.
I will praise.
I will wait.

TUHAN MENTARIKU (THE LORD MY SUN)

Recently Juwita Suwito (Malaysian Christian Artist) came for a concert in Melbourne together with Orchestra Nouveau, which was conducted by Zach Tay who is also my bandmate in church. :) I had to miss it though, cos I was attending a friend's wedding.

This is the youtube slide that they made of that night.



I'm not a fan of Juwita Suwito, but I definately recalled this song - 'You in me' - that she sang when she came to IMU four years ago (I think from her entire album I only liked this song and another one XD).

I remember the dimmed lights in the auditorium where we had our lectures every morning on the third floor, and closing my eyes and lifting up my right hand up high to You while I was sitting there... in my first semester in IMU... which now seems like such a long way ago.

This afternoon, I am missing my 'Fellowship of the Mat' (FOTM) in IMU. It took us a good four semesters to build it up, but we did it - together. The good old times :) From sitting alone in lectures for more than a year to having a FOTM to sit with. If only I had spent more time with them when I could, because my straight As don't matter one bit to me now.

Yesterday, I found out that Ron (a man who begged on Flinder's Street and came for Soup Van food) had passed away 3 weeks ago from a heart attack. If only I had spent so much more time talking to him when I did see him sitting outside while I still lived on Flinder's Street. Right now I'm not sure if I'll ever see him again... because I just didn't take time to bring him to You.

So it's cloudy inside this afternoon... and I'm just trying hard not to think of the time when I will have to say goodbye again to the current FOTMs that You have blessed me with here in Melbourne. It just gets rather tiring sometimes... to keep saying goodbye.

But I thank You for all the FOTMs You have blessed me with, and will continue to bless me with wherever I go. May I be faithful with these that You've given... and when I will have to say my goodbyes, let me cling unto You even harder still.

For the LORD God is a sun and shield, the LORD bestows favour and honour; no good thing does He withold from those whose walk is blameless. Ps 84:11

Be my Sun this cloudy afternoon...

I just need to spend one moment with You
Somehow it's a brand new world I'm passing through
You lift me higher, You let me see
Over the walls that surrounded me...

Looking forward to the day when I'll be reunited with all my FOTMs, and there will be no more goodbyes that need to be said.

IKUT JEJAKMU

It has been a year. One year since I first met up with Luisa... and this day I'm very glad that I listened to her and did let go.

Well, this is the long awaited Malay song that I promised to write :) Sorry it has been long in coming.

Semakin lama ku renung
Semakin ku rasa ada lebih
Hidup ini bukan hanya tentang diriku
Adanya lebih dari ini

Semakin lama ku pikir
Akan kebaikanMu ya Allah
Semakin ku hendak mengikut
Engkau ke mana-mana Kau pergi

Dan meskipun berat hatiku ini
Akan ku lepaskan semua yang ku pegang
Hidup ini hanyalah satu
Ku mau ikut jejakMu

Ku kan mengangkat salibku
Berjalan terus mengikutiMu
Biar hatiku ini hanya melekat padaMu

(Ikut JejakMu - Eguitarist)

*link-click here*

It has been 365 days of - laughing/crying/being with people/letting people be there for me/being there for people/stepping out of comfort zones/being stretched/doing crazy things/shocking things/stupid things/etc... *sigh* XD

But never have I regretted one single moment (except maybe some of the time I spent online).

So here's to the best 365 days of my life...

but most of all, to the Lover of my soul and God of my life.

"Ku mau ikut jejakMu."

By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me - a prayer to the God of my life. Ps 42:8

... ASHES IN FOR BEAUTY

At the foot of the cross

Where grace and suffering meet

You have shown me your love

Through the judgement you received

At the foot of the cross

Where I am made complete

You have given me life

Through the death you bore for me

And you've won my heart
Yes, you've won my heart

Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty

And wear forgiveness like a crown

Coming to kiss the feet of mercy

I lay every burden down

At the foot of the cross

(At the foot of the Cross - Kathryn Scott)

Thank you Kim for the song :)

Yes, You've won our hearts... now we can trade these ashes in for beauty.

:)

LOVING 'TO BITS' (whatever that means) XD

There must have been numerous times recently when I have thought that things couldn’t get any better (or crazier!) than it already is, but obviously, every single time, I was wrong. They can! =D

Kim made this comment that I thought was really weird a few days ago. She said, “…I love you guys to bits…” XD

How does one love someone/something ‘to bits’? *tries really hard to make sense of the expression....!*

I’ve probably spent anywhere from one to four hours every week day with my Group E people (my hospital group), doing nothing in particular but laughing and stoning/spacing-out. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever stuck to or felt like I belonged to a group of people in such a way in my entire 19 years of education! It would seem like the 'aloof' me has completely vanished! But I am really liking it. :)

It was also nice to finish my Emergency Department shift at 11pm on Wednesday, and to still be able to rock up to Luisa’s place to find the girls not done with praying yet (and the boys trying to play a new board game as silently as possible in one corner of the house! XD) My cell group is cute. XD

And today… I did something I would never have done more than a year ago – I went to a cyber café with my OCF cell mates to play ‘Left 4 Dead’ after dinner! And for an hour too! Well, I still can’t understand people who frequent cyber cafes to do such things, but they (majority) obviously enjoyed it… and I found that I simply enjoyed being there with them.

Loving ‘to bits’(whatever that means) is often something that isn’t said, but shown.

And I am loving ‘to bits’ the time that You've given me, to spend with everyone who’s important to me… (and more! XD). It would be nice to still be able to do all this when my next rotation starts.

I know I've probably said this a thousand times, but I'll say it again...

thank You. :)

And of course, I'll not forget to show it too. =D