I AWAIT

I hold in my hand - hopes, dreams and expectations - of the aspiring medical student, the eldest child from a middle upper class chinese family, the big sister who's concerned of her little brother, the Malaysian who loves the people but not the government, the silly girl who wants an Indonesian guy, the child of God who wants to live this life to the fullest for Him.

I realize that I have no power or capability to bring any of these to pass. In a sense, they have become burdensome to me... because some of them just seem to be mutually exclusive.

What else can I do with them, but to lay them at the foot of Your Cross day after day?

As I bring out my fleece and acknowledge You this semester... won't You please make my paths straight?

Show me, assure me.

I await.

TRANSITIONS

It has seriously been such a crazy week since last Thursday.

I have finally gotten an apartment at last!!! =D But I can’t move in until the 1st of March, so I’ll still have to bunk around in other people’s places for more than a week.

Applications for internship in Victoria also opens on the 1st of March.

I’ve been wondering what reason there is for me to stay on rather than to go back to Malaysia at the end of this year. One of the reasons I had was because of the community that I already have here in Melbourne. But I realized that when I do start working, I will have to move on from OCF… and even in the cell group in my church (which I feel increasingly disconnected from), there are talks of moving from under the International Student Ministry banner to the Young Adults. What if I don’t really want to make that move with them? Do I look for a new cell group? If that’s the case, I might as well just return to Malaysia?

I guess, at this point in time… I thank You for friends, and for the good times I am still able to have in the midst of a busy schedule. I thank You that though I may be homeless, there are people who are willing to share their beds/homes. I thank You for the privilege of serving, even if it means that there will be sacrifices made in terms of personal comfort.

Bring me through one day at a time.

As it says on my new BSF name tag, “I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength.” Phil 4:13.

Thou art coming to a King.
Large petitions with thee bring;
For His grace and pow’r are such
None can ever ask too much.
-John Newton

Hear me from heaven...

ON BEING A KITE

The kite analogy (Thanks to Kak Jac)

When a kite is held back by the hands of One who controls it, it soars up high to the heavens. Yet, if it decides, “I shall break free from the hands of my Master who holds me back from flying” contrary to what the kite thinks, he does not fly higer, but plummets to the ground where he will remain for the rest of his day.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5

Thanks Kak Jac, I’ll remember that. :)

Kak Lena in turn, shared on something quite similar from this verse:

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." James 4:13-15

It’ll feel rather weird this Thursday night, to have nowhere to go. It is hard to imagine that my Thursday nights from now on will not involve sharing from my Alkitab and listening to others share in like in bahasa. No Kak Jac leading us in refreshing songs without lyrics, and building up on what we shared with such a wealth of wisdom. Sigh.

Since arriving I Melbourne, I’ve found that what I feared is no longer a struggle. Instead, there is a certain enablement to ‘be still’. Up till this day, I have no idea what I would fill in the blanks for ‘this or that’ in James 4:15. Perhaps, like many have said to me, when the time comes I will know. And until then, I shall be still and trust Him to put things into place for me.

A kite is made to fly, but never does so apart from the wind of circumstances and the Hand that steers it to fly accordingly. So in fact, a kite contributes nothing to the process of flying, other than just being a kite, and being in the hands of it’s Master.

Tis the season to put ‘what-ifs’ aside and focus on the being.

Let us acknowledge the LORD;
let us press on to acknowledge him.
As surely as the sun rises,
he will appear;
he will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth.
Hosea 6:3

THE 1ST MORNING

He said to me, "It's nice to just study without needing to work."

I am the scholar who never needs to work for money because I always have enough.

And he is the Indian cab driver who graduated in hospitality but can't find work in his field.

I was extra nice because I tend to have a heart for workers of south/southeast asian origin (otherwise I am not, trust me).

And he in return waited until I was up the stairs and out of sight before he drove off.

Thus goes my first morning in this city of Melbourne.

HATIKU PERCAYA

We sang this song again in cell group tonight. It's a wonder how many songs I know with the title 'Hatiku Percaya'(My heart trusts).

Saat Ku Tak Melihat Jalan-Mu
Saat Ku Tak Mengerti Rencana-Mu
Namun Tetap Ku Pegang Janji-Mu
Pengharapanku Hanya Pada-Mu

Hati Ku Percaya
Hati Ku Percaya
Hati Ku Percaya
S’lalu Ku Percaya

(Hati Ku Percaya - Edward Chen)

THE 3AM POST

Someone once said, “When you can’t sleep, pray!” Not that praying in itself aids sleeping as how sheep counting does, but that perhaps there are some things we need to talk out with God.

As Ps Sunny once pointed out to me, I’m much too concerned about what I should feel and should want. A better place to start off is how I DO feel and what I DO want. I must say, before he pointed it out to me, I’ve never thought about it that way!

It’s not that I deliberately try to cheat myself, or anyone else for that matter. It’s just that it scares me to see what’s really in my heart. My fallenness is… ugly. It’s something I’d rather not face and pretend it’s not there. So I spend my days reminding myself about what I should feel and should want.

But no amount of reminding changes my feelings or my wants. And until I learn to be entirely honest with myself, there will be no rest and no light.

It is then that I am reminded to come, just as I am. So here I am again… at the foot of Your Cross.

I recognize that I DO need You… because I see my fallenness.


[To anyone who’s interested to know, I will be bringing out Gideon’s fleece this April.]

HEAVY

A 'little' brother who is finishing highschool this year.

A retiring dad who says to me, "specialize before you come back."

A mum who has dreams of migrating to Australia.

An uncle who tells me to start financial planning early.

I can seriously feel the weight on my shoulders more than ever this year. I want to give my brother a chance of a better future. I want to ease the worries of my dad and provide for the family. For mum, that's just too bad... but perhaps I can finance holidays. And yes my uncle is right... it's time to start thinking of the future.

Yet You say to me ...

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Mat 11:29-30

Be a light unto my path, and a lamp unto my feet.

A CONFUSED BLOGGER

What an ironic holiday this is.

I came back to Malaysia anticipating a sort of preparation for my ‘grand return’ after graduating from medical school next year. But instead, right now, for the first time, I’m actually seriously contemplating breaking my scholarship bond.

Yes, I do feel a call to return to Malaysia for good. But do I hear the call to return in a year’s time? Honestly, I don’t know.

I wasn’t until this last weekend that I was able to be honest with someone, and tell her that I think the biggest reason why I keep telling myself to return straight after I graduate is pride. Pride because I don’t want people to think of me ‘like one of those scholars who run away’ - I don’t want people to think of me as selfish or deceitful, especially after how I’ve told so many people that I’d return (although I never actually said when). And there is an element of fear as well – that I’d be a stumbling block (a Christian who breaks the bond), and also fears that my ‘one year’ would drag on to an indefinite stay.

Many people had asked me to consider staying, but I’ve never imagined that a good friend and trusted sister-in-Christ would be one of them… and with such conviction that it is the best path for me now. With most other people, I would brush it away… but not her.

At this point in time, I would not kid anyone and say that I would serve out my 10 years bond with the government. In fact, I am quite sure that after a few years I would ‘run away’ and do something else (perhaps not related to medicine even).

My bond gives me a certain sense of uneasiness. Well, to put it plainly, I do not want to be bonded to a government that I cannot trust. I am indebted to the people of Malaysia, but not the government of Malaysia – there my loyalties will never be. I want the freedom to serve, not because I am bonded, and also the freedom to go when it is time.

2010 will be a challenging one for me. I’m increasingly feeling the weight of my dawning ‘adulthood’. There is so much that I need to be, live up to and decide. And this is a rather confusing time for me as well.

I have a lot of growing up to do this year.

If You open the door, I will walk through it… otherwise, shut it tightly, please…

And let me know that it is You who walks before me, not myself.

[Anticipating some hardcore fasting to come these two months]