COMPANIONSHIP

All of us want company some time or another in our lives…someone to live out this bleak existence with …yours truly here not being excluded (pardon me if I sound miserable, I’m jobless). Why it is then that I often seek solitude, seemingly being indifferent towards many, pretending as if their company and presence in my life meant nothing whatsoever to me…giving the false impression that I merely tolerated their presence, or was offering my company out of sympathy due to them being deserted by their friends? That I, coming upon my batch mate, when finding her in the midst of her ‘gang’, would turn away pretending not to notice or care…when yes, if provided the opportunity, would gladly sit with her probably hours on end, as many of you, my close friends can testify, yet seeming as though that it was I who was doing her a favour by the presence of my person…How I love to pretend not to feel! Perhaps I do secretly think that people, in general, would prefer the company of the more fun-loving, boisterous, gigglish (and lame) group, over this melancholic soul…maybe it IS true most of the time, that I’d only dare offer my company, with the excuse being that some company is always better than none…Oh, by the way, that ‘batch mate’ thingy was grossly exaggerated out of proportion to illustrate my point…I do not like anyone here THAT much, as least not yet. Well, yeah…in the meantime, I’m content with being the one everyone calls in their time of need, always available at any hour, day, place…under the pretence of doing a favour or “being there for you when no one else would” or rather, that infamous “ I really have nothing better to do..” line (how many of you actually believed me), when most probably, all that I really wanted….was a little of your time and presence in my life. So if all this just sounds a little too familiar to you…just play along, pretend to be ever desperate for help or continually forsaken by everyone…I’d hardly dare offer my company otherwise. Why? Because I’m just too proud to admit it, that like everybody else… I would like some company…once in a blue moon.

IT DOES??

It DOES! Love DOES make the world go round!
"It was love that moved God to all His work in creation and redemption. It was love that enabled Christ as man to work and to suffer as He did. It is love that can inspire us with the power of a self-sacrifice that seeks not its own, but is ready to live and die for others. It is love that gives us the patience that refuses to give up the unthankful or the hardened. It is love that reaches and overcomes the most hopeless."-Andrew Murray
No, it wasn't easy to love, still isn't. But I can be rest assured that I am created in the image of God, and the very nature of God is love, therefore deep down, somewhere within me, there must be the capacity to love.
Show me how to love, let me see people through Your eyes and not my own...help me love as You did. For without love, I realize that everything I do will amount to nothing.
"...if I have....but have not love, I am nothing." 1Cor13:2
Help me love the people on Your heart. It is not by my own strength, but You living in me.
Oh, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRISHA!!! So glad you're here...though our paths may have diverged..

THE HAND OF GOD

I just lost my job! It’s a huge disappointment. I was planning to work till the end of the month. The reason being that all my other colleagues quit and there aren't any replacements (sad, isn't it?). Business will only resume….they can’t say when. There goes my source of food….and my independence…sob sob…Well, at least it was great for that one month…
Clearly my plans are not His, I wanted to work and He let me…for one month. Yes, I will join orientation, yes, I will commit at least one week to spending time with my family, and yes, I will honour my parents…and grandparents.
During the course of my work, I realized what it truly meant, the impossibility to serve both God and money. I agreed to a lower pay compared to my colleagues for the privilege to not work whenever I needed to fulfill my commitments to God. Things will indeed be different when I’m a medical officer because I’d be fulfilling my calling, even when it means missing church and serving in church (which I hope will not happen). My service would be outside the walls of the church...but nevertheless, for God. Anyway, back to my job, which I lost....I got free meals, made a friend, became a friend and accomplished my goal of experiencing the working life. There. It was worth it. I have no regrets.
Still one month to go before Sem 2…what now? Lead me, as You always do.
“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps” (Prov 16:9). So true.

MY VALENTINE

Valentine’s Day, the day that many anticipate, for those attached, to spend time with that significant other…for others, hopes of finding that special someone (still others, business opportunities…lots of em). Does love really make the world go round? Why the desire for another? Is the pressure around us too much to bear, the fact that more and more of our friends are getting attached? Even the mentality of the world which thinks that if you ain’t got anybody to spend Valentine’s Day with, then you’re a loser… is just nonsensical. But it does prove one thing-that we all want to feel loved, special, and appreciated….
I am loved; by the King of Kings…He loved me so much that He came down in the form of man, stripped of all His glory, to suffer humiliation and death on a cross, all in the name of LOVE. He knows the very number of hairs on my head, that if I were to count His thoughts concerning me, it would outnumber even the grains of sand. Have you experienced perfect love? Do you really have need of another? Perfect love cannot be found elsewhere.
Why would I want any other? I don’t want any other, yet I’m only human. Not my will but Yours be done…I know I’d be happy, regardless of the choice I make, because true happiness is found in You. Would You give me strength to choose the one and give up the other? Because the other is not the life I want to live…life being bound and having to please another…You know what’s best, I do not claim the right to choose.
I just wanna give my whole heart to the One who loved me first. Help me love You more, that I’d live every moment falling in love with You, over and over, and over again…that everyday would be a fresh experience with You. Take me deeper in love, take me deeper with You. I am waiting; will You call me into what I want?

HONOURING THY PARENTS....AND GRANDPARENTS

I wish they’d make it easier for me to do so…but then God wouldn’t need to command us to honour our parents if it were no big deal. I’ve never been forced by my parents to do anything against my will(thank God)…a luxury that many of my peers don’t seem to have, simply because my parents found out quite early that it wouldn’t do anybody any good. I never had to ask permission, unless I needed money. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so adamant about my decision to work although my parents wished otherwise and my grandparents strongly disapprove (now I NEVER have to ask for anything). However, they'd never command me to stop work...knowing that I'd just get pissed off and stop talking to them..perhaps. They know me well. I just don’t like being controlled, or pressured to do the things I don’t want, by anyone at all, even those I love. No, I don’t wanna go back, I’m perfectly happy where I am. Yes, I am an ungrateful child….. I wanna be my own person, completely….and for the very first time in my life, I CAN claim that I AM independent. That means the world to me, more than anything, more than….obeying God and honouring my parents. I’d give anything….shhh….he (the devil) knows….is he getting to me already? I can’t give it up yet….deep down inside….my heart still sings – IT’S MY LIFE. See? Those who love me do suffer…

MY HAPPY HOLIDAY

Everything I could possibly dream of is now opened to me. I’m fully independent, with a job, car and place of my own; my fit in CF and in ECF (yes, I finally made it into the worship team after the six months wait, wa ha ha ha...). Am I in dangerous ground, too much in bliss for my own comfort, in need of nothing more? Absolutely no! I have no idea how to facilitate a CG nor am I exactly very confident of my soloing skills….I need God more than ever! Not to mention also in parasitology, pathology, microbiology, pharmacology, community medicine! I just love a busy schedule…but will all these take up too much of my focus and passion, that I put spending time and knowing Him better as my second priority? That would be one of my biggest pitfalls…
The six months in IMU was not easy….I mean in terms of not having anyone to turn to. There were moments of frustration, especially when I lost my wallet and someone living in puchong found it and I had to go get it but was completely at a loss how to get there…with no one to call…at all…blame my ego lar…But I made it through, now not so alone or on my own anymore. Ha ha, life with all its ups and downs, knowing that everything will come to pass soon enough because He is working…
Today we had a sermon on togetherness, the “word that isn’t in my vocabulary”. I admit that I am very individualistic and I do value independence above all things, I guess even God. What’s wrong with eating alone and watching a movie alone and driving alone?? Well, nothing wrong with the act itself but when one is obsessed by it, that one MUST, that it satisfies you more than anything else….. It’s just not what He intended us to be. I still can’t let go of this area, I’ll struggle at this all my life….no man is an island…
This is my best holiday yet in my entire life…why didn’t I work all the holidays before? I love being independent….keeping in mind that God made it all possible..
Something my dad said, that I’m drifting further and further away, physically, emotionally….no, I don’t miss my family…I was never emotionally attached…I see going back as a duty. Another sin, not honouring my father and mother…all those who love me suffer, sometimes I wish they’d love me less….
Malacca doesn’t feel like home to me anymore, Shah Alam and KL wasn’t and isn’t exactly what I would call home. Where is “home”? The closest place on Earth I can think of is CF….but that isn’t exactly a place. Then again, home is never a place, but where your heart lies and where you belong. Heaven? Hmm…