ROOM IN MY HEART

I am not a hymn person. Although I do sing with all my heart to The One the hymns are written for, I must say that it’s quite ridiculous how most hymns don’t give you a breather in between verses (when played in the real hymn way), and my, are there MANY verses. I always feel as though I have to sing the entire hymn in one breath! For that reason I always dread hymns eventhough as part of BSF, I’ve been singing 3 hymns per week for the past two-and-a-half years.

But tonight for once, I sung a hymn that did minister to my heart.

Thou didst leave Thy throne and Thy kingly crown,
When Thou camest to earth for me;
But in Bethlehem's home was there found no room
For Thy holy nativity.
O come to my heart, Lord Jesus,
There is room in my heart for Thee.

Heaven's arches rang when the angels sang,
Proclaiming Thy royal degree;
But of lowly birth didst Thou come to earth,
And in great humility.
O come to my heart, Lord Jesus,
There is room in my heart for Thee.

The foxes found rest, and the birds their nest
In the shade of the forest tree;
But Thy couch was the sod, O Thou Son of God,
In the deserts of Galilee.
O come to my heart, Lord Jesus,
There is room in my heart for Thee.

Thou camest, O Lord, with the living Word,
That should set Thy people free;
But with mocking scorn and with crown of thorn,
They bore Thee to Calvary.
O come to my heart, Lord Jesus,
There is room in my heart for Thee.

When the heav'ns shall ring, and her choirs shall sing,
At Thy coming to victory,
Let Thy voice call me home, saying "Yet there is room,
There is room at My side for thee."
My heart shall rejoice, Lord Jesus,
When Thou comest and callest for me.

(Emily Elliott)

I am not a hogger, so I wonder at the many things that have managed to find their way into my room and stayed. However did they get here?

My room is much too cluttered these days.

When was the last time you checked to see how cluttered your heart is?

In the same way that our rooms can get cluttered without us realizing, our hearts too, can get stocked up with many things – the dreams that were formed and fed and cherished, the worries that started small and grew into fear invoking giants, the plans that were at first vague then added to with each passing day till there stands a looming tower, the occasional blue that brooded into a formidable grey gloomy sky… and those little trinkets of ‘necessity’ that were cures for boredom then turned into addictions.

Is there any more room… for Him?

Thank goodness for the broken pieces, else I would not have looked, else I would not have discarded what had become much too costly to keep.

Do you need some spring cleaning too?

May You come and find that there is always plenty of room for Thee.

HMMMM

Every single social gathering now involves periods of zoning out as I realize that this will probably be one of the few last times that I'd be able to spend with this particular bunch of people.

As the clock ticks on my remaining 4 months of student life, I'm aware of a sudden new predicament - I don't know how to express to all these people just how much they mean to me!

Hmmmm.

A PENINSULA

On Monday, I received the results of my internship applications. I will be spending next year at Peninsula Health, which is in Frankston, an hours train ride from Melbourne city where I’m currently staying (IF I accept their offer).

After a year of blogging about ‘Following God where He calls’ and ‘The Malaysian dream’ and ‘Lifting clouds’ and ‘Goodbyes’; I now find myself in the midst of all these. You know what? It’s really easy to blog about them, but when it comes to the real thing… I admit, I’m no less than TERRIFIED.

[There comes a time when] ‘tentative belief must become true commitment.’ BSF notes

I say ‘IF I accept their offer’ because I’m still not entirely sure if it falls within God’s will for me. I really don’t know how useful I’d be as a doctor to Malaysia if I trained here. But then again, I’m not entirely comfortable with how training goes in Malaysia – throw you into the sea and it’s up to you to sink or swim.

This year has been a year of struggling to trust – especially when many things aren’t turning out as how I would want them to be. I’ve been asking Him for encouragements to make up for the things that can’t be… and He has answered – in the faces of friends whose faces were downcast when they learnt that I’ll be moving away; in the really great bargains that I got when I went shopping for a new phone, antivirus software and even chips(!) yesterday; words on the blog of a person going through similar struggles 3 years ago; and the coming hour, for a Man who walked the face of this earth 2 millennia ago brought afresh again through my BSF notes.

Life ain’t just about carrying our crosses (although that’s what everyone frequently emphasizes) or the dying kernel of wheat. It’s also about the resurrection that follows and the production of many seeds – and that comes from supernatural sight.

In the same way, my life now ain’t just about shattered dreams or heart wrenching goodbyes or the weight of adulthood. It’s also about being sent out to a community to serve not man but God, new dreams and new friendships, and an opportunity to now support my family financially for the nurture that I have received over the years.

Whoever was it that said – ‘Your disappointments may very well be God’s appointment’.

And so, Frankston is my appointment for the coming year.

The cloud is lifting… time to pack up the tents again. Amazingly, the cloud will settle on a peninsula. And I remember, that it was on a peninsula - that I was born.

NIGHT TIME RANTS

I can’t remember when the last time I ranted on my blog was. Lets just say it doesn’t happen very often.

I’m gearing myself up for Monday: D-day. The day that determines where I start off my medical career. Yes, I’m somewhat excited, yet fearful and unsure. Why does it seem like such a big step? Why does it seem to me like this determines so much more than just where I undertake my internship?

It has taken me some time to finally accept that my Indonesian fairy tale isn’t going to happen. Now I wonder why I never saw that my love for honor and country will always take center stage – that if there is to be any ‘happy ever after’, it has to be a Malaysian one, or NONE.

Sigh, I must say that the desire for a ‘someone’ has been very real to me this past semester while writing up cover letters and resumes. I’ve suddenly realized that the path to medicine is a lonely one. It’ll be hard to build relationships with church or community when one is being sent all over the place for various rotations and shut up in hospital most of the time. As much as I am glad that I’m no longer with my ex, I must admit that having someone to return together to Malaysia to serve was quite ideal.

Now that I will be turning quarter century very soon and graduating to start off my medical career, I’m wondering… will my journey always be that of a lone traveler?

It is at this point that faith bears me. Faith in a God who has brought me this far and picked me up from mistakes and disappointments and holds my hand and walks with me… although sometimes His footprints are unseen.

So I hold in my hands the hopes and dreams of the quarter century medical graduate as I always have. I am beginning to learn that sometimes in the letting go, you find. That is the great paradox. Whoever seeks to save his life loses it, but whoever loses his life for Christ’s and the gospel’s sake finds it. Be patient with me, as I lay them down one after another till I come to You empty handed, yet full.

Oh, and did I mention that I went to Hillsong Conference 2010? Perhaps a post on it soon will be good.

Did I also mention that what I never thought would be something that I would miss has indeed turned out to be the one thing that I will find hardest to leave after two and a half years? OCF. But that, as well, deserves an entire post to itself someday.

Goodnight.