GOOD & BEST

Maybe as I pray I will start to feel like it. 

Let not what is good get in the way of what may be best.

TRAIN BOARDING

There are some phrases that stick with you for awhile.

"Train boarding, train boarding.... train has left the station." S.K, OCF cell leader, 2008

That phrase was commonly used by my previous cell leader to convey that one has not yet understood a joke even after everyone else had finished laughing over it.

Allow me to make a detour for a bit.

It has been nearly two years since I graduated from student life. Yet, I've not really made the transition from student life per se - most of my friends are still students and when I can, I still hang out with them and have fun like there's no (work) tomorrow.

And in this time period, several other people including high school friends and other same age peers have gotten married/given birth/bought a house etc. Feels as if they have moved on and I have not.

Is it just that my train has not arrived? Or has it arrived but I refuse to board?

I'm not sure if I want to go where that train takes me. But everyone boards that train sometime or later, and we each have our trains. If I wait for everyone else's trains to arrive too before I board mine, might I miss my own train?

Yet, the conversations of yesterday had all been very reassuring. No, rather the conversations I had with various people over the past two weeks had been very reassuring, and culminated in the conversations I had yesterday.

Whether my train has finally arrived or I'm finally ready to board my train... I don't know. 

But I'm boarding.

Because I've had the reassurance that You will provide for me where needed, and there are those who will journey with me in one way or another, at least for awhile yet.

BELOVED

To join a gym and gym regularly was one of the things in my list of "Things to do before 30". Yes, that notorious number dreaded by women worldwide is actually not too far away!

I finally managed to attend my first gym class today on Body Balance (tai chi/pilates/yoga mix).

In the relaxation part, the instructor asked us to "Think of a positive statement about yourself..."

Hmmm. Positive statement?

Then it came.

"BELOVED". And tears too.

Our identity is always in relation to Him, what He has done and how He has loved us.

I have loved you with an everlasting love... Jer 31:3

*Thankfully the room was dimmed and everyone were lying on their backs facing the ceiling when all this happened XD

Sometimes it just feels like I need to keep relearning lessons of life.

Yes, all these (friendships) are temporary... but You who have provided will provide again.

And YOU are my portion for eternity, that will never change.

A SIMPLE SUNDAY

(after the excitement and mind-broadening experiences of 28.04.12)

So help me Lord, to look to you today and all the days that will follow....

To really believe and live out what I say I believe - that all work is sacred and should be done unto You, and my serving of others is a service unto You.

Hear my prayer and answer the desires of my heart, desires which sometimes are on the brink of overwhelming me - a desire for something more.

"IT"

They were hungry and thirsty, and their lives ebbed away. 

Then they cried out the LORD in their trouble, 

and he delivered them from their distress... 

Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love 

and his wonderful deeds for men, 

for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things. 

Ps 107:5-6,8-9

Perhaps it is the contemporary songs that we sing, themes like "greater things are yet to come", "more of You", "use me" and more of the same. They're always talking about this "something more".

What is this "something more"?

I can feel a certain discontentment eating away inside - a yearning for this "something more", that I don't know what, which I only assume must be seeing God working supernaturally in my life, or doing some great work for Him - only that will take away this discontentment and bring "true" happiness.

Yes, I have absolutely no idea what this "something more" is. I only know what it is not...(and here I begin to list down every single good thing I have ever experienced in life). I only know that all these are not "it". So sometimes I push all these things away and say, "No this is not it, I don't want this!"

SO THEN WHAT IS "IT"?

There is a hunger and a thirst. It always begins with a hunger and thirst.

Perhaps there is no "it". Perhaps it is not my place to know or search out what this "it" is (if there is an "it"). ....Perhaps the only thing needed of me is to acknowledge that I do hunger and thirst, and to trust that He who knows all things will respond by filling me with good things, not according to my definitions, but what He knows "it" to be - which can sometimes include many varied and common things.

And then definitely, it'll be my job to thank Him for these, and to continue to trust that His providence will never run dry so long as I hunger and thirst.

BEING OPEN

This time around in Easter camp, I spoke in tongues again probably the first time in many years.

Coming from a Pentecostal background where speaking in tongues had been overemphasized, I've always been prejudiced ever since I came away. Because I couldn't resolve the issue or make sense of it (and I mean biblically and not logically), I regarded speaking in tongues as one of the biggest controversy in the Protestant church - something that I should just leave alone.

Come ministry night where a series of events throughout the camp led up to an altar call for those who wanted to be baptized in the Holy Spirit. People came forward to be prayed for, and there was a word of caution from the pastor that those who ministered to not step forward unless they knew how to pray for it - otherwise they needed praying for themselves!

Me, not wanting to have anything to do with this backed away and made sure that there was a clear distance between me and those who came forward, which included a new girl in my OCF cell group.

Then comes Mr MC OCF President out of the blue and said, "Linda can you take care of so-and-so (new girl in my OCF cell group).

Argh. So much for not wanting to get involved and setting a clear distance.

So I did pray.

After that night, I realized that eventhough there was a basis to test everything by scriptures and to be meticulous in making sure that practices are indeed biblical, I had not been very open to the work of God in this area and that was wrong - I or even others may miss out on God's blessings if I choose to remain not open to His workings.

This in turn made we think of other possible areas where I similarly am not open for Him to work how and when and as He wants.

Why?

Perhaps, fear of failure. Because I'd rather say "Oh, I'm not attached because I chose not to be rather than because things didn't work out."
Want of control. Never try equals never fail, that's a guarantee. But I forget that it equals never experiencing what could have been as well, or worse still - missing out on what could have been.
Being lazy. I don't want to work at things, I just want to continue being and doing what I have been all this while.

Sigh. So please be patient with me, both You and the 'you's who have been or are affected by my lack of openness. I know I do run, but I don't intend to be always running away.

The lessons never end. It is because of this that I am assured that 'You who began a good work in me will complete it'. It is not about how hard I can/should hang on or press on (eventough that is important), but the fact that You have the power to bring to past what You have promised, and are faithful to do it in spite of my lacking - if only I let You.