Why do I feel this way? Is there something wrong with me? These questions have plagued me for months. Only yesterday, in frustration, I wailed to God, “I can’t understand myself! You created my inmost being…” Today, God spoke.
The NEO Inventory
No, this has nothing to do with the matrix. The NEO inventory is a copyrighted personality test (meaning you have to pay to take it) that measures differences among normal (I am normal) people and gives an idea of what makes an individual unique in his/her ways of thinking, feeling and interacting with others.
The reason why I could take this test without paying was because IMU CF got hold of our behavioral science lecturer in IMU to give a workshop on discovering our gifts and talents.
It measures five domains: openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness and neuroticism (emotional reactivity/stability). My score sat in the very low range for extraversion and below outside the very low range for agreeableness in females.
Yes, I am introverted, reserved, serious and prefer to be alone or with a few close friends. And yes, I am hardheaded, skeptical, proud and competitive. However, I DO NOT tend to express my anger directly as my results show, and I AM NOT hostile like what my JPA psychoanalysis says. Rather, I avoid. Actually it may be because if I don’t then I’ll express my anger directly la, but so far I’ve always avoided (I am however starting to realize that avoiding may actually be worse).
So how does this translate into how I relate with people?
I am unconcerned. Unaffectionate (or rather don’t know how to be), solitary and self-sufficient.
However, my personality trait is not ‘who’ I am, it is merely ‘what’ I am.
After completing the test, the lecturer gave a short talk on how people value themselves and her own journey of discovering who she is.
Who am I? Am I a daughter? No, it is merely my role. Am I a student? No, it is merely my job. Am I a Chinese? No, it is merely my race. Who then, am I, outside all these?
On how people value themselves, there are those who say, “I am of value” because I achieve. Others…I am loved, I look good, I am needed or I have power.
What makes you feel valuable? What happens when those things are taken away? Does it mean you cease to exist? Only if it defines who you are.
I feel that I am of value because…. I achieve and I am needed. So what happens when I don’t achieve? When I am not needed? Which explains why an A minus will never be good enough and I try to juggle a myriad of things; and I do incomprehensible acts like lend my car to others more often than I use it myself. Because it reinforces my value…All 6.6 billion people on earth may love me, but if I don’t achieve or am needed…I am of no value. On the other hand, if I do achieve and am needed, it doesn’t matter so much whether I am loved.
But yet, it is who I am that defines what I do, not what I do that defines who I am.
Who am I? I am a child of God, my identity is with Christ.
What is my value? Priceless, I am worth God’s only Son.
Why is it that I keep trying to define who I am by what I do? Is it not enough that I am a child of God? Or do I believe it can be earned or I can be more worthy of it? Or is it just because I am not as matured as I think I am, so much so that whether other’s think I’m a ‘good Christian’ matters a lot? Do I merely do things so that others will think that I’m a ‘good Christian’?
How far am I required to submit to authority? Even when it breaks me?
It breaks me because I have to be what I’m not, and that is hard. Because being ‘who’ I am requires that I be the complete opposite of ‘what’ I am.
Can I be both ‘what’ I am and ‘who’ I am? It’s obviously possible because others have managed…but at a price…
It breaks me because I fail again and again…I don’t achieve, therefore I am of no value. Because I do not achieve, I am not needed…again, I am of no value.
In CF, the focus is knowing who God is and who I am in Him…reaching out is complementary and secondary. If I were to tell CF that I managed to sit down with an unbeliever during lunch and chat, they’re all gonna go “Three cheers for Linda!” clap clap…clap clap clap X3 clap clap clap clap..clap clap….. instead of asking me whether I invited the person to CF. I am of value in CF.
The feeling that I get in church is quite the opposite. I am of no value…seems to be reinforced again and again.
Why do I feel this way? Is there something wrong with me?
Why am I still hanging on in my church when I feel that I am of no value there? Because I choose not to believe in a lie, regardless of how I feel. But I still feel how I feel after one whole year and I still feel uncomfortable. Somehow, talking about it seems to reinforce the ‘I am of no value feeling’. Is it my fault? I feel that it’s time I stop being a Martha in church and just be a Mary instead. I need it badly….
The NEO test says that for most individuals, personality traits tend to be very stable in adulthood. Unless one experiences major life changes or make deliberate efforts to change, it should apply throughout the adult life (although one might score somewhat differently).
Making deliberate efforts to change…is tiring. I feel hopeless…because it seems impossible. I feel lonely…because my personality trait makes it hard to open up and people may be judgmental and not so understanding when I actually do succeed to open up. I feel stressed…because expectations are more than I am capable of. I feel immature…because I keep feeling this way….
As Sarah Ong says…I am an imperfect person, living in an imperfect world…yet trusting a perfect God…who makes all things beautiful in it’s time.
For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Ps 139:13-14
So CF theme this month is really for me…and thanks CG people, for merely being there…Mummy is soooooo touched! (Actually, I’d prefer if they’d stop calling me that).
