A BEAUTIFUL MONDAY MORN

I like Maria Shandi’s songs because they are often simple yet very heartfelt. The lyrics to this one may make it appear as if it has a very emo feel to it, but it is actually quite a happy song – one that you can sway to - just what I need on a cloudy Monday morning.

Kadang Tuhan ijinkan
S’gala beban persoalan
Agar kita melihat
Kasih Yesus yang nyata

Hatiku percaya
Hanya Engkau harapanku saat tiada jalan
Dan saatnya ku nantikan
Kau bekerja indah pada waktunya

(Hatiku percaya – Maria Shandi)

Sometimes God allows
The burdens of uncertainty
That we may see
The love of Christ ever so clearly

My heart believes
You’re my only hope when there seems to be no way
And I wait
You make all things beautiful in its time

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecc 3:11

This verse has two parts that are interlinked, yet the first part is often overquoted, and sometimes in disregard to the second part.

How many times do we wait and wait and wait, saying things at present are not ‘beautiful’ but God will make it so when the time comes? Rather, does the verse actually say that everything at present IS already beautiful, just that we being short-sighted mortal beings are unable to see the beauty of the present in relation to God’s master plan? That when viewed in light of eternity, everything in the now IS beautiful?

Help me to see my cloudy Monday in light of Your eternal plan.

I wait… not for You to make things ‘beautiful’ in its time (as how my human eyes see it) – but I wait… just upon You.

CHRISTMAS CAROLS & SABBATH

When I was still in IMU, this time of the year usually means one thing (Yes, EOS in IMU were freaking late too, but that’s not what I’m thinking of!) – carolling! Good memories of walking from one apartment to the next, wearing reindeer horns and santa hats and the refeshments that the lecturers or our fellow IMU-ians would have ready for us at the ends. And also how we would dread requests for ‘Twelve days of christmas’ because we’ll all go SOB! SOB! (short of breath) by the seventh day stanza. XD But so fun! I wonder why I’m getting quite homesick as each day passes…

Anyway, I remember that my favourite song from the list was ‘Christmas isn’t christmas’. Sigh, this song brings back such memories!

But that was 2 years ago! My current favourite is this one - ‘We were the reason’, which I first really heard on Maria Shandi's album... and last Friday OCF just sang it at our last meeting of the year!

As little children
We would dream of Christmas morn
Of all the gifts and toys
We knew we'd find
But we never realized
A baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

We were the reason
That He gave His life
We were the reason
That He suffered and died
To a world that was lost
He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

As the years went by
We learned more about gifts
The giving of ourselves
And what that means
On a dark and cloudy day
A man hung crying in the rain
All because of love, all because of love

I've finally found the reason for living
It's in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do every word that I say
I'll be giving my all just for Him, for Him

He is my reason to live

(We were the reason - David Meece)

My all just for You - even exams.

Eventhough I went for Planetshaker's service in the morning followed by lunch with cell, music practice then the 6pm service in my church (?last time playing with my band?? >.<), and didn't get much studying done today... I feel sort of rested.

Thank You for this Sabbath. :)

KING OF GLORY & KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR

I was writing a card to ‘you-know-who-you-are’ (yes, it will come soon! XD), when I remembered these verses.

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

Zephaniah 3:17

Yes, I believe that God wants the best for us more than even we do, but He has never promised that it would come in the package of a ‘knight in shining armor’.

Let’s believe together, that even if our knight in shining armour never comes while we are on this planet called earth, God will be more than enough for us. Indeed, He has been, is, and will always be our Knight in shining armor - our King of Glory, mighty to save, who came for us and fought for us, and triumphed over sin and death. He will take great delight in us, quiet us with His love, rejoice over us with singing.

Who is this King of glory?
The LORD strong and mighty,
the LORD mighty in battle.

Lift up your heads, O you gates;
lift them up, you ancient doors,
that the King of glory may come in.

Who is he, this King of glory?
The LORD Almighty—
he is the King of glory.
Selah

Psalms 24:8-10

Let us lift up our heads, look and see… it is He, our King of Glory, victorious from battle. He will come for us…

He is, and always will be – our Knight in shining armor.

He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God. Rev 19:13

A BREAK

Just 3 weeks more.

I never thought I would say this – but I need a break from Melbourne.

But not a holiday, I don’t need a holiday…. I just need a break from myself.

Won’t You show me something bigger than myself? In the streets of Malaysia?

I am no longer afraid, no longer hessitant. I am ready, ready for You to show me the extent of Your Kingdom.

No, I NEED You to show me… because if I do not see You or hear Your voice in the streets of Malaysia calling to me, “Come, follow me”, these nets will be so hard to leave behind.

Let this break not be a holiday, but a pre-assessment of the mission field. I am willing, send me… show me Your face in the streets of Malaysia.

Did You not lead me unto the streets of Melbourne this one year for this? Did I not always call upon You in Bahasa for this?


“What is it God is preparing you for? And when it happens will you know it?” Ps Sunny

MALAYSIA

As I look at all the notes and cards and pictures blu.tacked upon the wall in front of my desk, I’m really looking forward to flying back for the holidays.

MALAYSIA!

There would be plenty to do in a time span of one and a half months! People that I’ve not seen in almost a year, especially my year-end review with Eu Pui. Also, the preparations for returning for internship in Malaysia – the one month medical elective in Melaka General Hospital and to seriously look for a home church (although I’m not sure where in Malaysia I would be interning?). And I sort of miss my little brother (who would kill me if he reads this!).

FINALLY…….. Studying.

I finally do feel that I’ve done everything I wanted to do & been everywhere I’ve wanted to be in Melbourne this year (with the exception of just a few more things that already have been booked into my calendar) – which means I can finally focus on studying!

In the meantime…….. STAY ON THE ALTAR!

“The problem with living sacrifices is that they keep trying to crawl off the altar when the fire gets too hot.” I have no idea where that quote came from – I only know that it is very true.

As a 17 year old who was overjoyed at being offered a scholarship to study medicine in IMU & Melbourne, PLUS A-Levels, PLUS all living expenses covered… one doesn’t think very much of the complications of signing that contract.

I never imagined that this gift would also be my cross.

Ten years being bound to the government is a very long time. I never thought about how much that would tie me down and put a limit on the choices I can make. I never thought about the sacrifices that would have to be made…

I guess what makes it doubly hard as well is that the world offers me a choice - I could break my contract (which is what lots of people do) and pay just RM160,000 as stated in my contract (in comparison to what the people in the year below me have to pay – every single cent spent on them – because the Malaysian government finally wisened up!).

Everytime this issue crops up, I have to try to explain to people why I wouldn’t just stay on in Melbourne and pay off that sum (which apparently can be paid off on a loan basis too!). It befuddles people that I would choose to return to a country where doctors are treated as slaves when the way out is so easily attained.

The why...

I have chosen to follow Christ, no matter where He would choose to lead me, no matter what sacrifices have to be made and ‘curtains drawn over the theatre of my dreams’. The only reason I can stay on the altar is because my eyes see the One who is my Forerunner. I see a Man on a cross… and I know that it wasn’t the nails that held Him there – it was His love for you and me. And similarly it isn’t the contract that binds me.

There was a Gethsemane before the cross. And I too, have mine …although sometimes it just doesn’t come across how much I want to stay, because I want more to be where He is – but I do, I do want very badly to stay in Melbourne.

I will close this year with how I opened it :

I lay all my wants at the foot of Your cross…. not my will but Your’s be done, only ever Your’s…

Keep me on this altar, no matter how hot the fire gets.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Cor 12:9

Indeed it is.

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer,
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like Your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

(Everything in its time - Corrinne May)

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. Heb 11:8,10

I don't need to know exactly where this journey goes, or how long it will take to unfold.

All I need to know is that You walk with me, and that every day is one step closer to the city with foundations - and into Your everlasting arms.

MY YELLOW WOOD

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?” John 21:15

This night I am led to the final chapter of the gospel of John.

The study next year by BSF will be on the book of John. Having studied through the book of Matthew the whole of last year, yes, I definitely benefited from it….but… lets just say that I did not enjoy it as much, nor did it give me as many ‘aha!’ moments as did my study on the Life of Moses this year (as evindenced by no posts on this blog in regards to Matthew but quite a few on the Life of Moses).

Because of that, I was actually considering to discontinue BSF next year, eventhough if I had to pick a gospel to study - it would most definitely be John.

But now as I read through this last chapter, I am thinking – what a very apt ending it would be to next year, like how this year’s study is. I can almost hear Fiona lecture on the very last day, “Similarly in our lives, Jesus asks of us – do you truly love me more than these? We of course, like Peter will answer in full eagerness – Lord, you know all things, you know that I love you – to which Jesus’ reply would be ‘Follow me!’ Girls, that is what he asks of us each day, to follow him… and if we truly loved him, we would. Will you choose to follow him this day, no matter where he leads?”

And in conjunction with that, the cloud will finally lift for me.

Soon and very soon.

What would be left for me is to follow, wherever He leads.

Just a few weeks ago, while Kim and I were trying to find our way in the Botanical Gardens, we came to a fork in the road. And of course as we DID pay attention in literature class in ?Form 4, we started reciting… “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both…”! (That was as far as we got though XD) That was another one of those moments where something random that was said stayed with me.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

(Robert Frost – The Road Not Taken)

It is a rather… perplexing poem. I am glad that perhaps only the first stanza has any relevance for me… because thereafter, I see Jesus standing in one of them, saying to me, “Follow me!”

And, as I predicted what my BSF lecturer will say one year from now…

“If we truly love Him, we will.”

THE LAST CLIMB

I am finishing off the last portion of Deuteronomy in my BSF homework this night.

One particular question catches my attention – (as Moses ascended Mount Nebo to view the promised land of Canaan before his foretold death), “What do you think were Moses’ thoughts and emotions at this time?”

Hmmmm........

---------------------------------------------------------------

Moses, ‘the man of God’, spent the first 40 years of his life as the powerful prince of Egypt; the following 40 years as an unknown and obscure shepherd whilst in exile; and the last 40 years of his life leading the Israelites out from Egypt and across the desert to the very borders of the promised land. He passed away at the age of 120 in Moab.

When foretold of his death and prohibition of entering the promised land, his immediate one concern was that someone else capable should be found to lead! He then proceeds to give a sort of sermon that lasted for 37 days, which is the book of Deuteronomy. "Do not forget God, choose God and in doing so choose life, and love God with everything you have." To the very end, Moses’ one desire was for God’s chosen people to enter their inheritance as per the promise of God.

---------------------------------------------------------------

I can imagine him climbing the mountain, perhaps every step heavy. I can picture the hue of light as the sun rises in the horizon, inching it’s way up with every step that Moses takes. I can perhaps hear the deafening silence, only to be broken by the friction of his soles against the ground. And, I wonder if his last journey was a lonely one as well, like how his leadership in the desert was.

Before this study on the life of Moses, the thoughts that would come into mind at the mention of his name were definately that of the ten plagues and miraculous signs, especially the parting of the Red Sea. And of course, Moses holding the two tablets of stone coming down from Mount Sinai. Who doesn't think of that? ;)

That, to me, was Moses ‘the man of God’ – the great leader who led more than 600, 000 people in the exodus.

But now that I have seen beyond that, what makes him ‘the man of God’, to me, is quite different.

I see Moses as a man who has learnt that the best that he has is not quite enough, he knows that God alone is his strength.

I see Moses as a man who underwent frustration, dissapointment and sorrow, yet has learnt the meaning of surrendering to the will of a sovereign God.

I see Moses as a man of great compassion for a ‘stiff-necked’ people who rejected him and God again and again, in how he never tires of interceeding on their behalf.

I see Moses as a man who cares nothing for himself, but everything for God’s honour and grand purpose for the Israelites.

Ultimately, what makes Moses ‘the man of God’ can be summed up in Hebrews 11:24-27.

By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh's daughter. He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a short time. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king's anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible.


So what were the thoughts and emotions of 'the man of God' who had spent a great part of his life labouring to bring the Israelites into their inheritance? I can’t imagine… I’ll have to one day ask the man himself. XD

So ends my study on The Life of Moses this year....

May we too see You who is invisible… and in doing so, persevere.

.... and I realize that I am actually just happy to be at the beach.

Thank You.

:)

*another one of those moments where words cannot express*

TAKE IT ALL

I don’t want the year to end.

But all things must soon pass away, and You have taught me to not hold on too tightly to earthly treasures… even the moments of life.

I could hold on to the year, but I know that my grip will not last for long, eventually it will have to be pried from me. And the things that we hold on to will eventually turn to dust in our hands, because there is nothing in ourselves that can bring life.

So we give it to You, to make beautiful in Your way, and in Your time (the year is too short!).

Let this year pass…. I give it back to You, the joys and the pains, the blessings and trials, every friendship and ministry… and of course, my studies. “Take, take, take it all”.

I release my grip.

I only ask that You help me end it well, and pave the way in my heart for a brand new year – with new joys and pains, different blessings and trials, and perhaps new/different friendships and ministries.

But the same God. =)

ALL THE WAY

Although this year has been the most satisfying, sometimes it feels like there is still so much more that I want to do.

Street Evangelism, Soup Van, discipling, Bible Study Fellowship, playing in 2 bands, and now Coffee Ministry. It has been a time of stepping forward beyond my comfort zone and learning to TRUST. Okay, so maybe I did do all that I wanted to do.

BUT…

I would have liked to be present with everyone - which is not easy considering I’m studying medicine too! And wanting to do lots of things besides.

I would have liked to be present more with You too.

It doesn’t take much to do things, but with relationships, no matter how much time you give… it still feels like there is more that you could have given and want to give?

I SURRENDER.

It just makes me realize that I can’t be everywhere and with everyone. There are times and seasons… and I have to learn to see and take them as they come, as they change, as You put them in place.

NO REGRETS.

Many choices have been made - many things taken up, yes, but also many things turned down. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choices… especially if I turned down the right things. But I am glad, and indeed I have no regrets… because I know, this is where You would have wanted me. It is not being everywhere and doing everything, but being where You want me.

WRAPPING UP.

Three weeks plus more till exams. And there’s just probably a couple more things I need to do to wrap up my time in Melbourne this year! I remember that I promised Eu Pui that I’d do something crazy this year. I doubt I’ll go dance in the rain (like she suggested, well, unless anyone wants to accompany me! XD), but I will do something as equally crazy – and as equally dumb.

I THANK YOU FOR A GOOD YEAR.

The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.
Deut 1:30-31

Yes, I did see… how You fought for me, and how You carried me – all the way.

I give thanks – to the God of my life, to a God who has been present with me, all the way.

Who am I to keep my time to only spend with people I like? My time does not belong to me, but to You. Yet...

I can't.

I don't want to.


Give me a Supernatural Love.

I am sorry.

FOR YOU

I really don't feel like playing tomorrow...

When your team mates are really hard to get along with, it really helps to know why you're doing what you're doing in the first place.

For You. I play for You. No one else.

Help us to play for You.


All my grand plans for me
Have tumbled down around me
No matter how hard I've tried
The best that I've got has died
Help me Lord now that I start to see
That You only want to rescue me
But the one thing that's hard to see
Was that You rescue me from me

I'm losing myself to find
New life in this love divine
I'm losing myself to gain
What I could not attain
And the losing me is killing me
I can see You want what's best for me

(Losing Me - Pocket Full of Rocks)