YOUR STORY

We want to be part of Your story
We want to be part of Your glorious hope
We want to be part of Your story
Whatever the cost
For the story

We’ll take up our cross
Counting all loss
Whatever the cost for the story

(The Story – Daniel & Jess Hammond/Insideout)

Thank You for the priviledge of being part of Your story.

This is our heart’s cry - that You bring us to the place where words become more than just words, and our lives truly shout ‘Whatever the cost’…for Your story.

TRAGEDIES

There was once this guy and girl who fell for each other. Unfortunately, they could not be together because of a long-lasting feud between their families. Romeo and Juliet thus decided to end their lives, because death would be better than living without the other.

The story of Romeo and Juliet is often thought to be the epitome of “romance”. Yet, it was never written to be so. Instead, it was originally written as ‘The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet’. Yes, a Tragedy – because they could not see past their present feelings.

We all feel strongly for something/someone at some point of our lives. Yet, at the end of the day, we know that feelings are merely feelings, and are at best fleeting and temporary. It would be good if we could always see feelings as they are, and not fall into Tragedy.

This night I am reminded of another tragedy that isn’t quite a Tragedy. The tragedy of a man on a cross, because He so loved… and it wasn’t just feelings – He loved with a Passion. And perhaps the greatest Tragedy of all…was if we failed to recognize that the one Love that we cannot lose is the one Love that we mustn’t (I hope that sentence makes sense, I think I'm getting rather sleepy).

So yeah, it really doesn’t matter if the guy I like is “just not that into me” (I’ll forget all about it when I get back to Msia anyway). I already know that I have a Love that I cannot lose – and that’s what’s really important.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Rom 8:38-39

But of course that being said, I’m still female and I have feelings… and the fact that people in hospital and OCF keep bringing up BGR topics really doesn’t help! I’m really so gonna have a good laugh about this 2 years from now….I might as well just start laughing right now! XD XD XD

....and I am convinced that things really can’t get any more amusing than this!

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

And now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there. I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace. – Paul, Acts 20:22-24

Paul knew what lay ahead, yet he still went. And I know too that daily around the world, many are making the same decisions - to follow Christ wherever He leads, no matter what the cost. They're no longer people just preparing for eternity as something that was bound to happen some distant time in the future. Eternity, for them, is already in full view.

The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.

Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it. Matt 13:44-46

As Jim Elliot said, “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.”

And I solemnly hope too, that we will be no fools - to make every effort to keep what we have 'stumbled upon' so freely, no matter what the cost.

THAT TIME OF THE YEAR AGAIN

I can feel it coming...

In just one more month, I will be back in front of the TV again every Saturday - the only time of the year when I will be found there! Only that this time around, on the first Tuesday of November, I will not be in my living room as per last year - but right there!

Tis the season of Melbourne Cup!

A PRAYER OF MOSES THE MAN OF GOD

I am reading Psalms 90 over and over again. It says of Psalms 90 in my Bible – a prayer of Moses the man of God. It is difficult to not feel your heart break as you read this psalm in context.

They say that Moses probably wrote this psalm near the end of the Israelites’ 40 years of wanderings in the desert.

Just slightly less than 40 years ago, God raised Moses and Aaron up to lead and deliver the Israelites from Egypt with great wonders. Finally, after years of hardship and slavery in Egypt, God had heard their cry and was finally going to bring them into a land they could call their own - a land flowing with milk and honey. There was great rejoicing - as men and women, young and old - sang and danced on the other side of the Red Sea.

But in the period of more than 2 years of travelling in the desert towards the promised land, Moses had to deal with the repeated grumbling and rebellion of the Israelites, and their continued lack of trust in and contempt of God. Again and again, Moses and Aaron had to stand in the gap when God threatened to completely destroy the Israelites – and they were faithful in doing so. Yet no amount of standing in the gap could prevent God’s wrath, nor turn the hearts of the Israelites to the God who chose them to call His very own. So Moses watched helplessly as one by one, the people of his generation perished during the 40 years of wanderings in the desert – a consequence of their sin, when they were already on the very borders of the promised land.

Numbers 20 following this is probably the saddest chapter in the Pentateuch (5 books of law). It starts with the death of Moses’s sister, Miriam, and ends with the death of his brother, Aaron. Wedged in between was the incident which cost Moses the right to enter the promised land himself – he was to die outside the promised land too.

Psalms 90 is of a very different tone from the song of great rejoicing that Moses and Miriam sang in Exodus 15 after they triumphantly crossed the Red Sea. It is the sorrowful prayer of a man, wearied and broken by the harshness of life. Yet faith was there – faith that was buried under an enormous burden of grief – but nevertheless still there and no less alive.

Read Psalms 90 in context… and see if your heart does not go out to him.

Moses was aware, probably more than most of us, that life is short and uncertain at best. He knew that there was no permanence or safety to be found in it. But he was also aware that God exists and has always existed, that He is the one sure foundation of everything, and that the person who is anchored in Him is eternally secure. Moreover, a person who trusts God has a safe “dwelling place” in Him. Here we have no fixed home, but like Moses, Abraham and the other Old Testament patriachs, we look “forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God” Heb11:10 (BSF notes)

So when you feel that this journey on earth has wearied and broken you, when life’s harshness has caused you to stop hoping, and you feel that there is nothing that this earth could possibly hold for you – learn from Moses, the man of God, and look forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God, where we may eternally rest secure.

Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations. Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. Ps 90:1-2

Yes, and You will always be… my God, my resting place.

We give our hearts undivided

We give You everything

With no reserve here we surrender

We give it all to You

(Love Eternal - Hillsong)

Why do we desire more when all You are is more than enough for us? Let us only desire more of You.

TIRED?

Am loving the late night teas and early morning sahos with You. :)

Just another day someone asked me in church, "Why do you never look tired? Do you really study medicine? My other medic friends always look tired."

I would like to think that it's because I know the importance of waiting on You to renew my strength. Then again, the fact that I'm quite slack probably has something to do with it as well! XD

Help. I need to study.

MARCHING ON

On the day the tabernacle, the Tent of the Testimony, was set up, the cloud covered it. From evening till morning the cloud above the tabernacle looked like fire. That is how it continued to be; the cloud covered it, and at night it looked like fire. Whenever the cloud lifted from above the Tent, the Israelites set out; wherever the cloud settled, the Israelites encamped. At the LORD's command the Israelites set out, and at his command they encamped. As long as the cloud stayed over the tabernacle, they remained in camp. When the cloud remained over the tabernacle a long time, the Israelites obeyed the LORD's order and did not set out. Sometimes the cloud was over the tabernacle only a few days; at the LORD's command they would encamp, and then at his command they would set out. Sometimes the cloud stayed only from evening till morning, and when it lifted in the morning, they set out. Whether by day or by night, whenever the cloud lifted, they set out. Whether the cloud stayed over the tabernacle for two days or a month or a year, the Israelites would remain in camp and not set out; but when it lifted, they would set out. At the LORD's command they encamped, and at the LORD's command they set out. They obeyed the LORD's order, in accordance with his command through Moses. (Numbers 9:15-23)

I’ve never paid much attention to this passage in previous readings (which, for Numbers is like years ago!). I think when we read these sort of passages we tend to gloss over it like how one would study history. But BSF covered it two weeks ago and yesterday I was reminded of it yet again by one of the girls in my cell group, whose life is a practical example of this passage.

She came over to Melbourne as a student, graduated and found a job, an apartment, a future husband, ministries and friends and brothers and sisters; like most people. Of course, she plans to return to Malaysia/Singapore one day – but well, it has always been “one day” in the near future…that was, until she told us yesterday that she will be handing in her resignation letter end of this week. It was so sudden, so totally unexpected. But the cloud lifted for her, and she is moving forward deliberately in obedience.

Some are waiting impatiently for the cloud to lift…and it seems like God is taking forever.

For others, the cloud lifts when they least expect it to…sometimes inconveniently too soon.

Yet we all know that sooner or later the cloud will lift, and it will be time to move on.

And though for each of us it might sometimes seem too long or too soon, we know that His timing is impeccable and perfect. Our part is to wait when He says wait, and to move when He says move, whether it is one night or two days or a month or a year; morning or evening – to trust and obey, and to always fix our eyes on the cloud for direction.

Read the passage again. Now everytime I read it, I just go, “Wow..”.

The cloud is a reminder of God’s grace and His sovereignity. His grace is seen in His willingness to be with His people and to direct them clearly in their march. His sovereignity is seen in that He determined when and where they should march. God did not explain these leadings. The people simply had to move when the cloud moved and stop when the cloud stopped. (BSF notes)

May we all find courage and speed to move forward when the cloud lifts for us, and strength and patience to wait when it still covers the tabernacle in our lives.

March on, sister! :)

IN PAIN

‘You see,’ Antonin told me, ‘it’s unpatriotic to be a Christian in Czechoslovakia these days. Some of these people have been blackballed at work. Many have missed out on education. And that’ – he took a small box from the hands of a young man who stood beside him – ‘is why they want you to have this.’

The young man was speaking very earnestly to me in Czech.

‘Take this to Holland with you,’ Antonin translated, ‘and when people ask you about it, tell them about us and remind them that we are part of the Body, too, and that we are in pain.

I took the box and opened it. Inside was a silver lapel ornament in the shape of a tiny cup. I had seen several of the young people wearing them and wondered what they were.

Antonin was pinning it to my jacket. ‘This is the symbol of the Church in Czechoslovakia. We call it the Cup of Suffering.’

Brother Andrew (Founder Open Doors International) - God's Smuggler

I remember once watching a video of Christians in China back when persecution was still at its worst. It was a scene of Christians kneeling down by the river with their hands lifted up as they sang. And as they sang... scores of police came and bludgeoned them with clubs. Yet they did not move, they kept singing by the river. That imagery has stayed with me since.

The cost of discipleship...

When one part of the Body suffers, the rest suffers with it. If we do not somehow suffer along with them nor feel compelled to do anything, then something must be very wrong... is it not? Are we even part of the Body then?

BLESSED & EXTREMELY BLESSED

I’ve always felt blessed, yet there are certain times when one feels extremely blessed. =D

As Edmund said during the sharing at the retreat (quoted rather loosely), “The temporary things in life would have no value if that was all we had, without God.” How true.

Knowing that You are my portion forever gives me the security and freedom to enjoy the present as it is – temporary, yet no less wonderful. No ‘what if’s or ‘should not’s. No wanting for more or wishing that things would last longer. No striving or grappling in the dark for that perfection that seems so far away, because I already have Perfection Himself.

So I am thanking You this night for the eternal as well as the temporary. I am extremely blessed - because my King sees me, has saw it fit to dwell with me, and cares enough to elevate me to where He is.

Because You fill this hole in my heart that no one else can, and topped it off with the icing too! (I think this is the first time I've seen a birthday cake with a hole in the middle! So symbolic...I like!)

I thoroughly loved this weekend, so much more than words can express or convey. I enjoyed every minute and every second of it - for reasons more than one. Thank You. :)

By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me – a prayer to the God of my life. Ps 42:8

THE ROCKING HORSE

There once lived a little girl. She was happy because she was on a vacation in a cozy little village over the seas with her Daddy. It was such a dreamy place. She loved walking along the serene streets and gazing at trinkets on display in the windows of shops. You see, little girls learn to window shop pretty early on in life. One day, she passed by a particular shop, that had on display a particular rocking horse. It wasn’t just any rocking horse – it was quite special. Slowly yet surely, the passing days found the little girl returning to this particular shop, to gaze at this particular rocking horse.

But of course the little girl knew that Daddy would not get her that particular rocking horse, nor did she ever thought of asking. She knew that when the vacation ends and they returned to their very own city, Daddy would get her any rocking horse she wanted - if she wanted.

So without a word, on a cold winter’s night, she climbed into Daddy’s big arms while he was sitting in his chair. Searching his eyes, she saw that he understood all. And there she laid into the night, with her face buried in his chest, vowing in her little heart to not walk along that particular street again. She knew that her Daddy loved her, and that was enough. And it is true, he did love her…very much.

And that rocking horse? It was too small for her anyway, no matter how special it was.

=)

For all the times when I want to be there with people who are personally important to me but cannot because there is so much to do and so little time (and medicine is only one part of it!), I thank You that I not only have one year and 5 months...

...but all eternity...

...because of what You've done.

Thank You for the price You paid.

THE IN-BETWEEN YEARS (INTEC & IMU)

THE 'NERDWHOLIKES2ROCK'

My upper highschool years were the ‘rebellious’ years. Everyone goes through those periods. Mine involved playing Metallica songs on the electric guitar in church. No, I am not proud of what I did then.

Those were also the years when I studied like never before (or again). As one friend commented, I ‘makan, minum & tidur bio’ (ate, drank and slept on biology). I was the bio queen. Needless to say I came out of highschool with a scholarship at hand.

Another thing I remember quite clearly during that time was when I went out for an altar call one Saturday night in church. The visiting preacher while praying for me said, “You should go out into the streets and lay your hands on people, and they will be healed!” HAHAHA! Until this day I still have no idea what he meant…perhaps he was ‘seeing in part and knowing in part’? Since I am hitting the streets now as part of soup van AND I will soon be a doctor and therefore sort of heal people? Or maybe one day I will literally lay hands on people on the streets and they will be healed??

Whatever it is, what he said did have an influence – I ticked the box that said ‘medicine’ in the scholarship application form!!!

And sitting here today in my room in Melbourne, 7 years into the future, I wonder, what if that preacher didn’t come to my church? What if I didn’t choose to go out for the altar call? (and I can’t remember what the altar call was about right now) Would I still have ticked ‘medicine’?

And what if I didn’t get a scholarship?

What if I never went to INTEC or IMU or came to Melbourne?

What if I never knew Ee Ling or Eu Pui or Matt or the countless other people who made an impact on my life?

What if I never had to step out/up or be broken or be stretched like how I was?

I honestly can’t imagine. I’m guessing that You would still have brought me to where I am today, through different means and different people. Tapi Tuhan, betapa ku mencintai segala yang telah terjadi.

And I stand in awe of Your hand upon my life, because I know that at every point and every turn, You were there guiding, lifting, carrying me - through it all; to be who You want me to be, who You’ve made me to be.

…all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Ps 139:16

A GIRL & HER GUITAR

I was home alone. It was one of the stormiest nights in Melaka in the year 2000. As with every storm, the main fuse in my house tripped. I resetted it, but again it tripped. It was total darkness inside, with the storm raging, lightning blazing and thunder roaring outside.

So I took my guitar and sat at the door, started practicing my ‘family chords’ and sang out loud, albeit with delays because I just couldn’t change between chord that smoothly yet. And for the next two hours it was me and my guitar against the storm, to see who was the louder.

Needless to say we didn’t win, but that was the start of a beautiful comradeship, between a girl and her guitar - a girl who can now change smoothly between chords.

It was a relationship that at one point took precedence over You, but later on became a means to an end - and still is.


May we never stop glorifying You through what we do best, together.

HISTORY MAKER

It was an open air concert in a lane between the two buildings of a mall in Penang. The stage was more than 10 metres away, and although separated by the large crowd, I could still feel the vibration of the bass drum going ‘thump-thump’ in my thorax. It was drizzling more and more by the minute and shallow pools of water were beginning to form at various places on the uneven ground. But we didn’t care, we kept on jumping – we wanted to be history makers.

Jam With the Lamb 1999 (JWTL ’99) was my first ever youth Christian conference and concert after I knelt down in the computer room and said the sinner’s prayer the year before. I remembered wondering, “Why are all these people jumping?” during the first night rally, and by the second night I was part of ‘all these people’. The theme of the conference was Millenium Revival (?I think), with the verse, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Rom 12:2. Sadly, that was all I remembered about the conference itself – I admit I remember more of the night rallies. JWTL ’99 in the years to come was always remembered by me as the one where they had the hugest and most impressive speakers that I’ve ever seen, never to be paralleled, not even when Planet Shakers came for their first conference in 2004.

Is it true today that when people pray
Cloudless skies will break
Kings and queens will shake
Yes it's true and I believe in it
I'm living for you

Is it true today that when people pray
We'll see dead men rise
And the blind set free
Yes it's true and I believe in it
I'm living for you

I'm gonna be a history maker in this land
I'm gonna be a speaker of truth to all mankind
I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna run
Into your arms, into your arms again

Well it's true today that when people stand
With the fire of God, and the truth in hand
We'll see miracles, we'll see angels sing
We'll see broken hearts making history
Yes it's true and I believe in it
We're living for you

(History Maker by Delirious?)

Honestly I’m quite horrified by what I sang as a naïve 14 year old. Did we just sing because it sounded great? Did we just jump because it was fun? Did we even stop to think of what we were singing? I wonder.

Well, fact is I did sing it. I sang that ‘I would be a history maker in this land’ – and the land I was jumping upon when I sang it was Malaysia.

And you know what? This day, I still stand by what I sung 10 years ago.

SHOW ME

I’m still reading the same book, and did not even finish a single one of the DVDs I borrowed from the library. I just saw my results today (I have not done so badly since primary school) and yes, I do feel slightly dissapointed, but for the most part I’m glad that I passed.

I think I’m having a quarter-life crisis!!!

This holiday is different from the last because…there isn’t any particular someone I would like to spend it with (except You!)…and my normal preoccupations don’t seem to interest me as much.

I am thinking about who I was before, and who I am now. And there’s just this huge gap in between those two, as if years were lost because I’ve never really sat down and seriously reflected on the big picture of seasons in my life, or rather when I did so in the past it just all seemed pretty fuzzy.

It’s funny how you listen to old songs you used to play/jump to in the past and you get flashes of how your life was back then?

Show me Your hand upon my life as I go back and reflect on seasons past, that I may run forwards freely and unreservedly for You.

ALL SMILES :)

Contented. Amused. Thankful. :)

And sometimes it's all the little things. I have a BIG God who pays attention to the littlest things.

Isn't it great? :)

FOR THE SAKE OF THE CALL

Nobody stood and applauded them
So they knew from the start
This road would not lead to fame
All they really knew for sure
Was Jesus had called to them
He said "come follow Me" and they came
With reckless abandon, they came

Empty nets lying there at the water's edge
Told a story that few could believe
And none could explain
How some crazy fisherman agreed to go where Jesus went
With no thought to what they would gain
For Jesus had called them by name
And they answered...

We will abandon it all for the sake of the call
No other reason at all but the sake of the call
Wholly devoted to live and to die for the sake of the call
The sake of the call

Drawn like the rivers are drawn to the sea
There's no turning back, for the water cannot help but flow
Once we hear the Savior's call, we'll follow wherever He leads
Because of the love He has shown
And because He has called us to go
We will answer...

We will abandon it all for the sake of the call
No other reason at all but the sake of the call
Wholly devoted to live and to die
Not for the sake of a creed or a cause
Not for a dream or a promise
Simply because it is Jesus who called
And if we believe we'll obey

(For the sake of the call - Steven Curtis Chapman)

I will abandon it all for the sake of the call,
but not merely for the sake of the call,
rather to follow the One who called,
to be where You are.

For You.

You have called us by name.

Dedicated to all who have gone before and those who are still fighting on in Malaysia.

THE SOUP DATE CHRONICLES

A guy said to me, "It's good that you all rotate and don't come all the time, otherwise people will expect more of you, to sort of know stuff and be their friend....you know..."

They only expect food but don't dare to expect friendship. WHY?

Two thousand years ago a guy came and lived and ate with the masses. His name was Immanuel - God with us.

Learning in very small ways to be Your hands and feet.

BIZZARE

I started reading a book late yesterday afternoon called 'The Once and Future King' by T.H. White. And guess how far I managed to get by 5am today?

Page 43!

Yes, it is an interesting book. But I guess that I am no longer who I used to be. I used to find books so much more interesting than people. Now, I can't very much read straight for long before I start messaging people to see how they are doing or decide to type an email to people I've not heard from in the past one month! Trust me, this is all very bizzare because one year ago I could obliviously hole myself in for two whole days straight to finish the entire Chronicles of Narnia.

But I know at the end of my life, I want to say too, that I have 'given to scores of lives', and not wasted it on reading a book that will not benefit anyone else. So I am glad of who You've made me to be. :)

That is how I am now, but I still do love to read. So when the entire Eastern hemisphere goes to sleep (and the Western hemisphere goes on their ward rounds), I stay up till 5am to continue reading...

LOL!!!

Uncertainty. Possibilities. Emotions. Duty. Calling. Surrendering. Burying. Should-nots. Whys. Fears.

I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. Ecc 3:12-13

If ever there was a person who takes life too seriously – it would be me. This is just getting way too ridiculous! I can almost imagine You laughing at me non-stop, for being so hooked up with so small a thing. It’s about time I had a good laugh myself with all this nonsense.

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life was never meant to be taken so seriously, but to be taken one day at a time, enjoyed, lived, experienced.

One stroke at a time, the Master-painter creates His handiwork. It is not for me to decide which colour or medium or scenary. It is in Your hands and You know best. I do not need to fret, but to just sit back and be entranced by every stroke that You make. I do not need to be overly worried that I may interfere, for really, there is no damage that I can do that You could not rectify.

I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him. Ecc 3:14

And so I watch….

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecc 3:11

SURRENDERING

It would be nice to be Home at last, and to not have to struggle daily to surrender.

Until then, may I come each day and lay it down at Your feet, and never tire of doing so.

Yesus aku percaya

Yesus aku milikMu

KarnaMu ku hidup

KarnaMu ku nyanyi

The act of surrendering is still hard, but trusting has become so much easier. :)

Jesus won't you take the wheel?

'GO IT ALONE'

Then he said to Moses, "Come up to the LORD, you and Aaron, Nadab and Abihu, and seventy of the elders of Israel. You are to worship at a distance, but Moses alone is to approach the LORD; the others must not come near. And the people may not come up with him.

Exo 24:1-2

"The closer you come to God, the fewer there will be around you. Yet Moses didn't turn back, but went step by step forward, and he went it alone. God reveals Himself more fully to those who are willing to go it alone. "

(BSF lecturer)

That lecture must have been quite a few months back, yet what was said stays with me. Maybe this is a little bit out of context, but I felt what was said is that no matter what, there will come a time when we will all have to 'go it alone', whether it is because others around are not called in exactly the same way or you find yourself alone among unbelievers (eg. solo missionary) or people who believe but do not desire to come closer right now.

The question is, when that time comes, are we willing to 'go it alone'? Are we willing to keep stepping forward with our eyes focused on God, the Reward, not turning to the right or left (or back!)?

I am feeling it very much right now. I would prefer not to 'go it alone'. I want someone else to lead the way, someone else's vision to follow. Yet it is time to move, regardless.

'But now be strong..,' declares the LORD, 'and work. For I am with you,' declares the LORD Almighty. 'This is what I covenanted with you when you came out of Egypt (old life of sin). And my Spirit remains among you. Do not fear.'

Haggai 2:4-5, (brackets mine)

What is God calling you to 'go it alone'?

WHY?

Is not life on earth a mere speck in comparison to eternity? Why is it that at the end of the day I am the only one here who reminds myself of my pilgrimage? That what seems important to me now will not even matter in light of eternity? Why is it that people seem more eager to pray that God would give me what I want rather than for Him to turn my heart to Him so that I will not want? Sometimes it's really hard to get people to understand why I MUST return. And again people are usually very eager to pray that a miracle can happen so that I can stay and not return.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Di saat ku sendiri jalani hidup ini

Ku tahu Kau slalu ada memperhatikan ku

Saat ku telusuri perjalanan hidupku

Sungguh hanya anugrahMu jadikan ku bererti

Hanya puji, hanya sembah

Yang dapat kuberikan

Tiada kata dapat terucap

Hanya rasa kagum kepadaMu

Melihat smua kebaikanMu nyata

Di dalam hidupku

(Hanya Anugerah – Maria Shandi)

Indo/Malay songs never fail to bring a smile on my face.

News of the lastest undertakings by my ‘saudara-saudari’ in Malaysia too, never fail to uplift my heart.

I thank You for those very things that keep me going.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2Cor12:9

Let the eyes of my heart be upon You and You alone, nothing else... no one else.

YOU REMAIN

Songs that were sung and played and never again.

Places that were familiar and now unrecognizable.

Guys that were liked and then replaced.

Books that were read and now gathering dust.

Rooms that were personalized and emptied.

Skills that were once challenging and now second nature.

Clothes that were bought and worn and thrown out.

Events that were anticipated and now a memory.

Friends that were made and loved and said goodbye to.

Dreams that were drempt and now abandoned.

Exams that were studied for and forgotten.

Pictures that were taken and now a reminder of times past.

Hopes that were invested in and sometimes shattered.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"My days are like the evening shadow; I wither away like grass." Ps 102:11

"In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands. They will perish, but you remain; they will all wear out like a garment. Like clothing you will change them and they will be discarded. But you remain the same and your years will never end. The children of your servants will live in your presence; their descendants will be established before you."

Ps 102:25-28

Feels like I'm constantly living on borrowed time. I thank You that You remain the same, and at the end of the day - You remain :)

BURYING & OFFERING

Burying what should not be there before it gets out of hand.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is a song I've not sang in a very long time, was just listening to Maria Shandi singing it in Bahasa Indonesia.

Kupersembahkan Hidupku(I Offer My Life)

Diri aku, s’mua milikku
Ku serahkan padaMu Tuhan
Penyesalan dan kebanggaan
Suka dan duka
S’mua ku serahkan

Yang t’lah lalu
Yang kan datang
Hasrat dan harapan yang terbayang
Masa depan dan rencanaku
S’mua ku serahkan dalam tanganMu

Ku persembahkan hidupku
KepadaMu Tuhan
Tuk kemuliaanMu
Ku berikan hidup ini
S’bagai persembahan
Yang berkenan padaMu

Ku berikan hidupku kepadaMu TuhanKu

Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear: forget your people and your father's house. The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.

Ps 45:10-11

Will I not forget the desires and pleasures of this world, and honor Jesus, who is my Lord?

His eyes are on the sparrow, but are the eyes of the sparrow on Him?

Cin(T)a

It's funny that churches are always concerned about movies like Harry Potter, that, at the end of the day, we all know is an illusion and so obviously not real.

Cin(T)a - God is a director, is a movie that is closer to home. It begs an answer to a question that will either make or break you.

Cina loves Annisa, but he also loves God. Annisa loves Cina, but she also loves God. God loves the both of them. And they cannot love each other because they called God by different names.(Quote)

It asks the question, "You say you know God, I say I know God too. But there is only one God. How sure are you that your god is the real God? Are you worshipping religion or the real God?"

In a sense, it is an exceptional movie. Yet at the same time dangerous to your 'faith' if the god you know is merely knowledge and ideas...and nothing more...if there isn't something in you that says, "I would know my Maker when I see Him. And I have seen Him - this is He."




I'm not sure I want to watch a movie with an ending that I know I will not like, as interesting as it is. If it had an ending that I liked, it would either be a very sad show in the eyes of the world, or be banned in Indonesia and Malaysia (which it isn't). Then again, just perhaps...it might have a 'sad' ending. And maybe it might not be so bad after all, depends how you look at it (?)

Hmmm....

At least it acknowledges that God exists, and that there is only one true God. :)

May people be stirred to search You out.

TAKE IT & SEAL IT

I remember when I was 13, we did an expressive dance concert in Malaysia. This morning, I was just singing one of the songs we used then - A broken spirit. It goes like this:

A broken spirit and a contrite heart

You will not despise, You will not despise

You desire truth in the inward parts

A broken spirit and a contrite heart

Lord my heart is prone to wander

Prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart Lord

Lord take and seal it

Seal it for Your courts above.

As a 13 year old, I could have understood the words of the song, but it is only 10 years later that I can say that I understand the song experientially. That God desires truth, and sometimes truth can only be begotten through breaking. But it is better to have truth and know truth in brokeness rather than having a facade of perfection...and not know that it is merely a facade...

Anyway..

My mind right now is more turned towards the second part of the song, how it says, "Lord my heart is prone to wander, prone to leave the God I love." And I ask, "Why is it so?" Because I am feeling a little bit discontented - I want.

Let it not be so.

But take my heart O Lord, take it and seal it. Seal it for Your courts above.

SETTING MY HEART ON PILGRIMAGE

Blessed are those whose's strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca [gloom, lamentation, weeping], they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion. Ps 84:4-7

God is a sure foundation, therefore blessed are those who depend upon Him. But it doesn't end there. The blessed people are also those who have set their heart on pilgrimage. They are people who know and are concious of the fact that they are merely passing through, people who constantly set their eyes and goal on getting Home. And as knowing such, their intention is neither to take or gain from this world nor to just get the journey 'over and done with', but to bless and give as they pass through, indeed, to "make it a place of springs". Of course, in partnership with God, who sends the rain and covers the earth with living water.

And as they pour out, God fills them again and again so they have more to give, until heaven and earth pass away, and they arrive Home at last.

I know I am merely passing through, not only upon the face of this earth, but Melbourne as well.

May I not desire anything more than (or to neglect) making it a place of springs as I pass through.

It seems like I have a pathological love for my country.

Have You not put it within my heart?

Sigh.

I REMEMBER

When I don't know why I'm studying for the upcoming exams while there are so many other things that I can do for God...

I remember. *link*

SOUP DATE

I am far from loving people like You do, but it feels like I'm always getting a little bit closer each day. I've realized that to truly love people, we must first dare to dig deep into their hearts. Sometimes it's hard, but that's where true loving begins, cos otherwise, no matter how hard we try, we're just loving the shell of a person, and that's not enough. I've at least dug deep into one person's life this night, in the limited time that I had. Let this be the trend in my life.

Thank You, for the priviledge of sharing, in some small way, and being Your hands and feet. It was a wonderful date. :)

I TRUST IN YOUR PROMISES

Saat ku hancur hati ku datang padaMu
Kau beri kekuatan dan b'ri penghiburan

Saat tak seorang pun dapat ku andalkan

Kau yang memberi jalan

Kau yang menuntunku

Saat ku tak mengerti dalam hidup ini
Namun firmanMu selalu menerangiku
Engkau yang buatku kuat lewati semua
Engkau pertolonganku
Tempat harapanku

Tuhan kupercaya janjiMu dalam hidupku
Kau beri kemenangan
Tuhan Kau s'lalu setia di dalam hidupku
Kau berharga bagiku
Kaulah jaminanku
Dalam hidupku

Kupercaya janjiMu ya Tuhan...

(Maria Shandi)

God I trust in Your promises for my life
You bring victory
God in my life I find you faithful
You're precious to me
You're my inheritance
In this life

THIS CITY

Time waits for no one. It's almost one and a half years since I stepped off that plane, and onto Melbourne soil - a city I never thought I could love (for some reason). And now that I'm almost halfway through my period of three years here, I'm beginning to feel that when the time comes to leave, it will be with a very heavy heart. One would think that I'd get used to the idea of uprooting from places I've called home and friendships I've cherished after doing it 3 times already...but it is not so. There is just so much that I have fallen in love with here... how it is as I walk through the city at night, the people who've been there for me when I most needed people, the two very different bands I've played with, the ministries that where both challenging yet rewarding.

Yet vows are vows, and I have promised to not forsake my country. I have promised friends, and I have promised You. As much as I love Melbourne, there is yet a greater love. It keeps me concious of the fact that I'll have to be mindful to make the most out of my current relationships, and to stop, at various times, to take everything in, and not let moments just pass by.

Knowing that time is limited has a funny way of making us really live. I don't want to have regrets when I leave... let it be that I will have none.

LEFT AT THE ALTAR

I was browsing for books at a Christian bookshop on Friday night, and saw a book with a title that instantly drew me. As I stood there and read, my interest began to grow, not for the book itself and the remaining unread pages, but rather for the woman behind the book.

Kimberly Kennedy is her name. The night before her wedding, her fiance came not to rehearse, but with these five words, "I just can't do it." It has been 12 years since, and the amazing thing is that today, she is still single.

Countless women have told me stories of how they had a past relationship, and how since their new relationship they have been so happy, and also how much better their new significant others are compared to the last one. "God has someone much better for you," is also a phrase that I have heard much too often than I have liked. I know they mean well, but sometimes, what I hear them saying is, "You will be happy when the next one comes along, and not unless they do."

I find Kimberly Kennedy's story an inspiring one. How, she has found a new relationship, not with another man, but with the Man. And how, living and serving with this Man brings her such fulfillment and joy. She has not closed the door to marriage with another man, but yet it is not something that she aims for, because she is perfectly whole as she is - a single woman, in a relationship with God. She brings such a rare story of encouragement and hope that I have not got from other women, such that it makes me want to remain single intentionally, if only for that purpose alone - that I too can bring that rare message.

Even as her ex-fiance said regarding the book : She’s whole again,” Locke said. “And what I love most about the book is that it tells people that it’s OK to be single. You can be happy and whole and single. That’s a great message for people to hear on Valentine’s Day.” (the book debuted on Valentine's day)

Yes, indeed it's a great message. So much so that only one other message surpasses it - the message of the Cross, that God Himself yearns to be in a relationship with us, and that it is possible because of what Christ has done.

He is the One who says to us yesterday, today and forevermore, "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness." Jer 31:3

EMBRACING OUR BIRTHRIGHT

Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished. He said to Jacob, “Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I’m famished!”
Jacob replied, “First sell me your birthright.” “Look, I am about to die,” Esau said, “What good is the birthright to me?” But Jacob said, “Swear to me first.” So he swore an oath to him, selling his birthright to Jacob. Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some lentil stew. He ate and drank, and then got up and left. So Esau despised his birthright. Gen 28:29-34

For us these days, a birthright means nothing – all children are equal. Not so in those times, only the eldest son was accorded the birthright, which entails things like a double portion of his father’s possessions, authority, and blessings for him and his descendents.

And here we have Esau, the eldest, selling his birthright to Jacob. The price? Some bread and some lentil stew. !! I thought to myself, “Esau’s the dumbest man to have ever lived! To sell his birthright… and that for one serving of bread and lentil stew!”

He greatly undervalued his birthright, rejected it, trampled upon it, discarded it without a scruffle….despised it.

Yet, how many times are we somewhat like Esau? He chose what was short-lived over what was long term – we choose what is temporary over what has eternal value.All of us too, are accorded a birthright, we are sons and daughters of the living God, and heirs together with Christ. We despise our birthright when we … complain about “restrictions” put upon us; choose to self-indulge rather than give to God and others; wallow in self pity rather than rejoice in the fullness of God’s promises; fail to put our relationship with Him above all else. When we do that, we are even more foolish than the man who sold his birthright for a serving of bread and lentil stew…

Father, I am sorry that many times I have despised my birthright rather than embrace it for what it truly is. Especially since You, Jesus, paid a heavy price so that I could share in Your birthright.

Will we choose each day to embrace our birthright rather than despise it?

A PICTURE SPEAKS A THOUSAND WORDS

I offer You my heart. It is not much, but I offer it to You...

I offer You my skills, although it is not much as well...

And I trust in You to enable me to do the work You have called me to do.

Holy Spirit, guide me this day and every day of my life here on earth.

No longer in fragments... cos You're the God who makes me whole.

FOR THE LORD

No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah [means my delight is in her], and your land Beulah [means married]; for the LORD will take delight in you, and your land will be married. Isa 62:4

For I was deserted and made desolate, but You stepped in.

MIRACULOUS WAYS

KAU BEKERJA DENGAN CARA YANG AJAIB
Jonathan Prawira

DI SAAT KU TAK MELIHAT-MU
KU TETAP PERCAYA
KAU SELALU TAHU YANG PERLU
KAU LAKUKAN BAGIKU

DI SAAT KU TERASA JAUH
KU TETAP PERCAYA
KAU SELALU TAHU SAATNYA
'TUK BERTINDAK BAGIKU

REFF:KAU BEKERJA DENGAN CARA YANG AJAIB
DAN TAK TERDUGA DI PIKIRANKU
UNTUK MENDATANGKAN KEBAIKAN BAGIKU
YANG MENGASIHI-MU

KAU BEKERJA DENGAN CARA YANG AJAIB
ATAS SEGALA PERSOALANKU
UNTUK MENDATANGKAN KEBAIKAN BAGIKU
YANG MENGASIHI-MU

Ps Sunny: Do you believe that God can heal you 100%?

Journey with me as I walk through a process of healing of memories, with a God who makes all things new and works in miraculous ways.

I want to believe Lord, help my unbelief...

ARISE

My lover spoke and said to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig-tree forms its early fruit, the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me."

Songs 2:10-13

When winter comes, it is imperative that we rest in the bosom of Christ. But winter does not last forever, and He makes spring come again. How many of us refuse to look out the window and see that winter is over? That gloomy times have passed, and we should no longer hide and insist to stay in our own imposed winter. See! He has made all things new again, He has made us whole and He calls us to arise and come, out of our depression, out of our dejection, out of our selfishness... to go away with Him, beyond the doors He has opened.

But it is hard, and even when He calls, we are not able to rise on our own. It is then that we should say together with Spurgeon, "O raise me, draw me. Thy grace can do it. Send forth thy Holy Spirit to kindle sacred flames of love in my heart, and I will continue to rise until I leave life and time behind me, and indeed come away."

Yes, until I leave life and time behind me, and indeed come away....

I will arise.

THIS HEART

I remember a story I once read... of a young man who boasted of the most beautiful heart - it was perfect and flawless. Then an old man appeared who claimed that the young man's heart was no where as beautiful as his. The old man's heart was a heart full of scars, gaping wounds and tears. The young man laughed, and asked the old man how could he ever think that his heart was more beautiful, the way that it is. "Yes," said the old man, "Your's looks perfect but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my heart - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges -- giving love is taking a chance."

What does your heart look like? If my heart was obvious for all to see, then you would notice many tiny scars, tiny, but visible. But what you would first notice is the large gaping wound, that stretches all the way from one end across to the other. And in it, are different tiny bits from many different hearts to fit in that gaping wound.

The gaping wound bears testament to the fact that I once dared to be vulnerable and gave much of my heart away, and received this gaping wound as a result. And the many tiny little bits in that gaping wound bears testament to the many people who saw the wound and in response shared with me a little bit of their own hearts.

No, I will not hide under a mantle of anger, but I will bear my wound proudly for all to see. I will not hide the fact that the wound still gives me pain from time to time. And when I look at the scar, I remember too, the people from whom the little bits of heart came from, and the love they gave. And I remember the One who keeps my heart beating. I know that at the end of this life, He will restore my heart, that it will be as new.

Until then... I will not be afraid of pain and I will not hide; I will come daily to the foot of Your cross, where You bore my pain along with my sins. I will boast in the fact that it is You who keeps my heart beating...

I offer this heart O God, completely to You.

EVERY MOMENT

I prayed for my faith to be stretched, only at the beginning of this year.

Everytime when I think that this is it, that this is You already stretching my faith, I was wrong. There is always more to come. Up to the point that now I fear, I fear saying, "This is it!" because there's probably still more to come.

I enjoyed every part of it. I enjoyed worrying about Your little ones; spending time with people I hardly know, to get to know them; I enjoyed bringing You to people sitting obliviously in front ot the State Library; pouring out soup on a cold night for people on the streets and just chit-chatting with them; and even playing in two bands; and just even being a 'submarine' when I was so broken hearted.

Every moment, I have enjoyed being with You.

And oh, the friends I never knew I had, the past I never knew existed in their lives, the sharing I never thought would be possible... that I wish it would never end; and indeed, one day at the end of our lives, it would never end.

I have enjoyed coming to You, knowing full well, what a wretched woman I am.... but knowing that You are the God who makes me whole.

And yet do You still have more in store for me? Do You really want me to build another Fellowship of the Mat, right here in Melbourne?

WE HAVE A MASTER TO SERVE

I received this letter from the RBC Director to pray for Japan along with my Daily Bread subscription. What struck me most about the letter was how it was signed off - We have a Master to serve. Indeed we do...and many times we forget. I shall now always sign off as he did, to remind myself and others, that we do have a Master to serve, and it will do us well not to forget.

Forgive me.... I am my brother's keeper...

I CANNOT

"...that all of them may be one.." John 17:21

Before His crucifixion, Christ prayed for unity, that we may all be one - that we would love one another, to sacrifice for one another, to put each before ourselves. Do we know His heart? Can we live contrary to His heart?

...his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot. Jer 20:9

I cannot but take up my cross; indeed, I cannot ...

I cannot ...

*Sigh*

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Ps 51:17

We are like broken vessels before You Lord, broken by wear and use, broken by the harshness of the winds of this life. O God, we break not alone but together, concious that at this very moment we are among the many who also break. You have made it so, that in our brokeness we may find comfort in each other, that when the process of breaking has taken it's course, we may be beautiful vessels, broken, but beautiful....for Your glory.

Our prayers O God, you will not despise, we know we break not outside and alone in the cold, but together, under the shelter of Your wings.

MY GOD

Pain wakes me up, yet in that split second, something else fills the void, and I realize - it is Your love - and You are here. When the loss seems unbearable, Your love bears me up, and I know it is You who carries me.

You said, "Man shall not live by bread alone.." and indeed, in my darkest moments I feel no need of bread, only for Your words. And only now when I have feasted on what I most needed, do I feel natural hunger slowly coming back to me.

It used to be, that the tears that mingled with my drink came from sorrow, but now slowly, it comes not from sorrow, but because of the love and encouragement shown to me by all those near and far. And I realize, they are not so far off after all, and I thank You for them.

There is more pain in this world than I dreamed possible, yet it is also true that Your love is poured out more than I ever dreamed possible.

And although this world has many troubles, you have said, "Take heart, I have overcome the world."

And I know that I too, shall overcome the world with You.

I am the daughter of my Father.

ETERNITY IN OUR HEARTS

This is actually part of an email to encourage my friend. But it ended up encouraging me as well.

Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, You are the potter; we are all the work of Your hand. Is 64:8

As clay we have no choice but to yield to the Potter's hand, to be molded as He sees fit, no matter how long or painful the process.

However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived, what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Cor 2:9

He is a Potter who knows best and intends to produce nothing but the best in His workmanship. We can rest assured in that.

What would it be like to spend eternity with our Creator? Honestly, I can't even start to imagine. It would be a million times more exhilarating than the beginning stages of an earthly romantic relationship, but unlike an earthly relationship, it is EVERLASTING and PERFECT. It is the answer to our deepest longings.

Surely, He has put eternity in our hearts.

May we spend our thoughts on grasping what cannot be fully grasped while on this earth.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Jer17:9

I have learnt the truth of this verse. It encompasses all men, great and small, wise and foolish, saved or unsaved, spiritually matured or immature. No one escapes it's grip. I shall never assume again that any man (or woman) is excluded. Indeed we all try to deny it, but the honest man should realize that it is so and not presume that he is incapable of falleness.

It's funny how some people find the time to play games but not to write an email. Perhaps these people don't deserve emails. And rightly so.