THE CONTRADICTION THAT MAKES SENSE

My stray dog died on me when I was 11. I came back from my stay at grandma's to find that no dog came when I called. What I learnt? Strays are shot down. They die on you. Don't invest your heart in them. So I moved on, only to find that human friends are not that different. They don't stay for good either.

I got my first taste of it in college. Everyone always finds a clique in the first few days in school, everyone except me. I take awhile to warm up to people, more than awhile to forge bonds. Actually, about a year or more. By then, newly found kindred spirits would be separated. That's college life.

And likewise, I found university life no different, especially one that offers a twinning program. The same feeling of being alone again, and then, just when I begin to get close to people...puff! They disappear out of my life. Happened to me twice in fact. Once with seniors and once with my batch mates, plus the feelings of aloneness in between the two, mind you. Simply because I didn't see a need to strive to get close to my batch mates while I had my seniors who were easier to get close to.

Honestly it's really frustrating. So frustrating that I got quite desperate to marry the one guy I'm closest to. So that he wouldn't disappear out of my life, like everyone else (well, at least not until God decides to call him home). And now I am coming to grips with the fact that that guy too, will disappear out of my life, about one or two years from now, if not now. I won't try to deny that it's all very heartbreaking.

Which is why I try to keep in perspective that the world in its present form is passing away. It teaches me to hang on harder to God and looser to everything else. And, also on the other hand, to value everything more. Which is why I resolve to treat even people I'm not comfortable with right now as if they were already my kindred spirits(cos I never know if they might be); also to make the most of the relationships I have now, all the more so when I know that most will pass out of my life in the near future. I don't want to always look back, wishing that I'd spent more time with or valued this or that person more.

So it seems to me: to cling looser yet value more. Might sound like a contradiction to you, but makes a whole world of sense to me.

THIS IS LIFE

Am finding it quite funny, that I spent so much of my time studying, only to gain a certificate that will go into my folder and up the shelves, never to be touched or seen again till if ever, it becomes useful. On the other hand, I spent so little time(less than I should) with people whose pictures and handwritten messages adorn the very walls of my room. It's hilarious! In a pathetic way...this is life. *sigh*

BUT LIKE A DREAM

Sometimes I don't know what to make of my memories. Take away the pictures or the memorablias or the people who remind me that they were real and did happen, I would be fully convinced that they were but a dream, distant and foreign.

I wonder, at the end of our days on earth, wouldn't everything be as if it were a dream? Only, a dream that echos into and determines our place in reality/eternity. So one should take heed of how one lives. And I guess the other important thing is having dreams that are worth remembering.

For what it's worth, my memories are worth remembering, tho they be but like a dream to me even now.

GIFTS & GLORY

I have often asked God why I usually do well in exams. I mean sure, I study hard, but so do others. And the funniest part is that I think that I’m sort of ‘spiritual’ when I think like that.

“…nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving,” 1Tim 4:4

Who am I to reject God’s gift? To say to Him, “Oh no, thanks but I don’t need this. I only want You and what is eternal.” Seriously, to think that I am above the gifts that He chooses bless me with! And to think that in doing so I am sort of…humble, when actually it is rather prideful.

So it seems that I need to try harder to receive blessings with thanksgiving in my heart instead of thinking that I am above them.

Me : Doing well in exams is not a need (tho I’d probably be sad if I didn’t), but I give thanks to You, that somehow whether deserved or not, You just saw it fit to see to it that I always do well. So yeah, thanks. :)

And then perhaps God replies
God : Who said it was totally for you? It is for my glory as well!

Which is actually very true!

So to add to my pridefulness in not fully accepting God’s gifts with a thankful heart, I sometimes think too much of myself as well.

Yup, so shame on me! Haa... :D

A PRACTICE IN NOTICING

Someone told me that although we are not of this world and that the world in this present form is passing away, we are not to shun what is temporal, but to practice to notice what the temporal teaches us about the eternal.

Not to boast, but well, actually, that’s what I’ve always been doing! Perhaps not hard or frequent enough, but definitely no one can contest that I have always been a person in search of parallels.

Jesus was always one to portray the eternal through the ordinary and temporal. Think parables. Likewise too, the prophets – think metaphors. Paul...well Paul, does it to an extent, but not very much. Frankly, I think he has an underdeveloped right brain. Or rather perhaps because his readers, the Greeks, were not people that would appreciate such things.

So...today I was watching a Walt Disney animation, Dinosaur. Obviously, a story about dinosaurs. What can a story about dinosaurs teach us about the eternal? Seems quite farfetched, no relation whatsoever. Yet, it was a story that had many truths. A herd of dinosaurs were travelling through the desert to their nesting grounds. The conditions are harsh, water sparse, and worse still, they had to avoid predators – the flesh eating T-rexes. Woe to the dinosaur that doesn’t keep apace with the herd! A dinosaur separated from the herd is a dead dinosaur. But yet, because they stuck together and stuck-up for each other, they made it at last to the nesting grounds, T-rexes or not. It reminds me of our journey here as pilgrims, looking forward to our heavenly home. The journey is hard, and the forces of evil are real, but yet if we uphold each other and keep going together, we’ll make it. Especially since unlike in the story, we have a Leader who is perfect, has gone before us and is the Rock that gives us water.

Also today, I was knitting my scarf. Somehow, I come to appreciate how God feels when He made us, fearfully and wonderfully. How every stitch is important, and how proud one is of one’s creation when it is completed. Also how precious we His creation are to Him, and lastly, that we were made for a purpose...in a way too, to warm not necks, but hearts, especially that of the Maker.

So yeah, if one looks hard enough, one can usually find the eternal in the temporal.

Someone can please tell me what can we learn from arrhythmias about eternity? The only thing I’ve learnt so far is that like arrhythmias, we can never fully comprehend eternity. It is much too....complicated. But still we must prepare for them! :D

MARLEY & ME

Hmmm, I think...this is the first contemporary book that I like as much as my classic literature! (I usually only read classical literature cos unlike their contemporary counterparts, they are actually worth reading, non-abridged that is) It's a superbly written real life story about - as it says on the cover - life and love with the world's worst dog. But of course, even the world's worst dog has more to give than meets the eye.

As men wondered what was on God's mind when He made Eve, so I wonder what was on God's mind when He fashioned a dog. An animal like all others to rule over, yet, walks beside man as Eve does - indeed, lauded as men's best friend - and like Eve too, quite irreplaceable. What would the world be like without dogs?

So I thank You for dogs, although it would be quite some time before I can experience the joys of having one...but all in good time, Your time.

MISSING MELBOURNE

Well, to be more exact it is church that I miss, as it was church that opened my eyes to the beauty of that city. Without church, Melbourne would be just another city among the many cities that I've lived in, and there would not be anything to miss. It's funny, I've only been in Cross Culture for less than a year, and yet it seems as though I've always been in Cross Culture. As I said to Eu Pui, "My ideal church." Must sound really impressive to her. But really, it is family, spiritual family, that I don't have here in this city of Melaka where I really for real grew up. It feels rather alone, here. To think that I was saying the same thing about Melbourne only last year, but I guess cell and church really did grew on me. I would gladly trade places with Ee Leen *have a safe trip! :)* and fly back next week instead of in a month's time! So apparently, leaving Melbourne in two years time won't actually be as easy as I thought, as it means leaving the church, that, as best as I know.... I have always been in.

PEACE OF HEART

I have finally found peace, because I know with all my heart beyond a doubt that I would choose to be in the relationship. I can find plenty of rational reasons to not, but I have come to realize that none of them ever gave me peace of heart. It is not that I do not let go, because the peace is regardless of what happens and what the other person chose. There is no restlessness or clammering or ache that longs to be filled.

There is no right or wrong, as choosing to serve God with all one has over a relationship that hinders is really the best reason for a breakup, as best as there can be. Even at the very least, it is a fair reason.

So at last, I am at rest, eventhough what brings the other person peace is opposite to what brings me peace – we both have peace of heart now, and that is what matters. :)

MIND BOGGLING?

What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives (or friends or family) should live as if they had none; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things (or currency of accreditation) of this world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away. 1Cor 7:29-31, brackets mine.

I wonder, why does a theme that so often runs through the epistles sound so alien to me? How often is it that you realize that the world in its present form is passing away, and the time is short? What does Paul mean the time is short?? That was almost 2000 years ago. Does he mean that our lifespan is short to accomplish what God has for us to do (persecutions or no)? How many of us think about that when we watch tv or play games? How many of us take notice of this passage for what it is rather than brush it away as something mind boggling?

PRINCE CASPIAN

I was watching the 3rd Chronicles of Narnia again - Prince Caspian. Yes, again because there were certain scenes where their world was parallel to mine (yes, another parallel).

How Lucy saw Aslan(Jesus) but the rest didn't and doubted.
Peter: Why didn't I see him?
Lucy: Well, maybe you weren't looking...

How Peter wanted to do things by his own strength.
Lucy: Or have you forgotten who really defeated the White Witch?
Peter: I think we've waited for Aslan long enough!

How Lucy hesitated at first.
Lucy: I knew it was you all along! But the other's wouldn't believe me.
Aslan: And why would that stop you from coming to me?

On the whole, how the inhabitants of Narnia stopped believing that Aslan existed because he did not appear physically for 1300 years. And yet...
Lucy: He must know what he's doing.

*You'll have to watch the movie yourself and you'll see - if you are looking*

HOMEWARD BOUND

A few people have asked me to write a song, so here goes...

A brand new day, another chance to search for the things
In this world, that would make this life worth living
How fooled am I? To think that happy ever after
Exists in this world, where pain and tears
Are the fact of life

Each passing day, the more I get the feeling that
I don't belong, here where things are never perfect
How fooled have I been! To think that happy ever after
Exists in this world, where pain and tears are the fact of life

You said seek me first, and all these things you would have as well
To fix my eyes on what's above, what moth and rust would never destroy

Then it dawns that, this world is not my home
I'm just passing through, I'm not stayin' for good
I'm a daughter of the Most High King, Most High King!
This world's not home, I'm just passing through I'm not stayin' for good
I'm homeward bound, homeward bound...

So I'll seek You first, and trust that I will never lack
I'll fix my eyes on what's above
Till I meet You

*link to the demo on myspace*

REMEMBER

This world's not my home

I'm just a passin' through

I'm a daughter of the Most High

I'm homeward bound.

SERENDIPITY

The term serendipity suggests that if the central aim is right, the principle of serendipity will operate accordingly. Who will tell us what life's central aim is? Christians believe that Jesus gave the world the greatest statement on purpose and by-products. He said,"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you" Matt 6:33. By "all these things", Jesus was referring to those necessities of life that persons mistakenly set up as primary aims. He was not chiding the people for being concerned with these things, for he clearly understood these needs. The profound truth is, he was showing that by seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, these human needs will be met as a by-product.

Louis O. Caldwell

Making concious daily decisions to not set up "all these things" as primary aims.

WHITE FANG

It is a story that I have read often since I was 12. Twice a year I remember. It tells the story of a half-dog-half-wolf cub, of how life was hard and the world and men cruel, how it is every dog for himself, and only the fittest survive. And White Fang grew to be hard and vicious, and survived.
I used to think that I loved this story because I too lived in a hard world where it is every man for himself and only the fittest survive. And I grew to be one of the fittest, in a sense that was required by my world. Later on however, I came to realize that I loved the story for quite a different parallel altogether.
Within the fighting ring, left to die in the jaws of a bulldog(they never let go), there came a man - the Love God (in the eyes of dogs men are gods). The story goes on to tell of how love can redeem the heart and nature of a beast hardened and made seemingly irredeemable by a world that is cruel and unjust. Of how the impossible happens, because one man chose to love that which was unlovable.
And ultimately that is the parallel I love, between my world and White Fang's.
So you see, this book is sort of my life testimony...I have yet to find a hardcover *hint hint*

THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MELBOURNE THIS YEAR

1. My cell group Lighthouse 2
2. Wicked the musical & soundtrack
3. Universal Pizza restaurant & Italian food in general
4. Pedigree dogs walking on the street
5. Melbourne Cup! (horse racing)

CUTE

Haha. This is the recent 2008 Australian Idol Wes Carr. And I think he's cute (If he's really as decent and clean and down to earth as he seems). You'd come a long way before I admit that a guy is cute. But he definately is!

MY GOD

My God gave Himself, His best, so that we could be with Him, even while we were still sinners. If He did not, I doubt we would care one bit about His holiness or righteousness or power or majesty(at least I wouldn't). It would all be in vain even if we did care. But no, He is all the more beautiful because He gave Himself, that we may be with Him. We are able to choose Him because He first chose us.

My God is the God who gave Himself that we may one day wed Him, the day His heart would rejoice (songs3:11). Meanwhile, He reminds us again and again of His love and our worth to Him through His word, creation and people who are willing to be bearers of His love. He purifies us with His fire, yet is gentle and speaks tenderly to our hearts.

My God is the God who gave Himself because He wants us to be with Him, because it matters greatly(and that is an understatement). He delights in us, in who He made us to be, bearers of His image in many different ways.

My God is the God who gave Himself, so that I might be with Him.

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

I named them Charmer, Bold and Friendly :)

THINKING OF THE FOTM

I was just reflecting on how I think I failed as a cell group leader back in IMU those 2 years, reason being I didn’t catch up with people outside the cell, and well…we didn’t grow in numbers at all, since I’m not very good in terms of reaching out and I did’t feel that I could ask others to do so if I did not myself.

But thinking further, I guess I was the person that was needed for the job and vice versa. Funny how I learnt to tolerate company because I was forced to be with and go anywhere the cell went. Then gradually I even began to enjoy long stretches of company (no matter how annoyingly meaningless the conversation was :D). I definitely grew skills wise (?) as well, and realized I need to be so much more in terms of being a relational person.

And really it was quite an easy job, considering all I had to do was organize a meet and everyone would come and willingly share their lives. We were definitely a very sharing & open cell. I’ve realized that time and again since coming to Melbourne and being with the Oversees Christian Fellowship here. If anything, the cell was a place to fall back upon, in the midst of the harsh realities of life…and I guess that was what we really needed back in IMU. So the cell being there definitely made a difference, and although I can’t say that I made a great cell leader, I played my part.

I remember especially the time when our cell first started in Sem2, and we were doing the ‘Reason for Community – Fellowship of the Mat’ chapter from ‘Everyone’s Normal Till You Get To Know Them’ book by John Ortberg…the questions at the end were just so tough, because they were too personal and we didn’t know each other very well then. I really regret not doing that chapter again at the end of our IMU days. I think we would have been able to answer all of the questions quite easily…because through the 2 years of carrying each other’s burdens, we really did become - ‘the Fellowship of the Mat’.

THE DESERT

After almost one year here, I still feel quite purposeless. I feel ‘like an alien in a foreign land’. I don’t seem to do much for You except study (for You?) and help people worship by playing guitar. Yet I remember the story of Jacob and his 14 years in his desert, where he seems to do nothing great for You (or looks like nothing at all in fact) except tend sheep (like me studying) and gain 2 wives and grow in numbers. But yet those years in the desert were quite essential to what You would make him to be after the 14 years, no, what You were making him to be in those 14 years. Is this too to be my desert, where I don’t seem to do much but am humbled and grown and expanded? Who knows, maybe to gain a husband and (spiritual) children (haha!), unlikely as it is. So I continue to ‘tend sheep’ and wait upon You, and if there’s anything else You’d want me to do while I’m here, please let me know me ya :)

I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.

Gen 28:15

THE DAY HIS HEART REJOICED

I came upon a wonderful part of a verse:

"...on the day of his wedding, the day his heart rejoiced." Songs 3:11

It doesn’t say 'the day he triumphed', or 'the day he gained for himself a wife'…but simply and wonderfully - 'the day his heart rejoiced'.

So many times when we say that God’s love for us is not based on feeling (which is correct), we forget that ‘not based on feeling’ does not mean ‘without feeling’. One cannot read the Old Testament and not conclude that God loves with feeling.

He is not a God who loves indifferently.

So I like the phrase 'the day his heart rejoiced', and I'm glad it's in the Bible.

IS IT ENOUGH?

I was asked to count my blessings. And I know indeed the list is long…everything from the air I breathe to the skills and intellect and a future that looks brilliant. But is it enough? Are blessings enough?

No. They can never be enough. Not that I’m not thankful. But even if God gave me the world it would not be enough.

But hang on…

He gave not only blessings, but He gave Himself. And because of that, He is always near. And even when I reflect on all the times when I had stubbornly chose to be out of His will He was still there, protecting me and preventing me from making grave mistakes.

Is that enough? I would have to admit, yes, more than enough. :)

JUST 7 MORE WEEKS

Familiar faces, familiar places, familiar issues in the news...I just wanna be home. It seems as if Melbourne shrinks on me day by day. Just 7 more weeks, and just 2 more years. God, why am I here? I don't like being here on my own...

FREEDOM & BROKENNESS

Freedom is brokenness – to be able to embrace it and not run from it. There is indeed beauty in women who choose not to be 'free' from brokenness, but rather to be made free by their brokenness when they embrace it. In their brokenness I see that God is enough, that His grace is all sufficient, all the more. And I can face the day with a smile. I thank You that I am broken, if only so that some day, others who are broken in the same way might be encouraged too.

BEING A BLESSING

Today I prayed for a man in hospital. He was speaking to me calmly but then broke down when the consultant came round to look at him. He was afraid that if he went for surgery again, he might not come out alive because of his heart problems (it is true, it is a big risk). He told me that he is a baptist.

I was able to tell him through praying that God cares and knows all his fears, that God is by his side and he can take comfort in that, even if all else falls away. And that God is more than enough for him.

I know how to pray because I am there too, though in a different way. And I know that God cares.

I thank You that I can bless others because of where I am.

SHOULD HAVES

An aquaintance telling others in a scornful way that he has a friend who’s really religious because he actually believes that the world was created in six days. Well, technically it isn’t literally six days, but is he trying to say that you can be a Christian yet not believe what the Bible says because it sounds foolish? I should have been more than an aquaintance, then I could tell him that there are some other people who are even more ‘foolish’ in believing that Jesus will actually come back…and that I’m one of them.

A latter day saint was asking me on the train if I believe that there is a one true Church, and which denomination do I think is right. I told him that it doesn’t matter that we believe differently on petty issues as long as our doctrine is the same, we are all the true Church. I then realized later what I should have said was if you have a relationship with Christ, you are a part of the true Church…but I was more focused on giving a logical and learned answer, rather than what was simple yet the whole point.

An old man named Ron was begging on the street. He told me that he lives alone in a bungalow and things are alright and that a couple cooks for him. I gave him three dollars, then came back home because it was cold outside. I should have stayed and talked longer. Maybe what he wanted was company and not so much money, as he admits openly that things are alright.

I should have, but didn’t.
Lord, I lay down all these should have’s and many more others down at Your feet…

HOPE & PROMISES

The poor and needy search for water, but there is none; their tongues are parched with thirst. But I the Lord will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.
I will make rivers flow on barren heights, and springs within the valleys. I will turn the desert into pools of water, and the parched ground into springs.
I will put in the desert the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive. I will set pines in the wasteland, the fir and the cypress together, so that people may see and know, may consider and understand, that the hand of the Lord has done this, that the Holy One of Israel has created it.

Isa 41:17-20

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do, I will not forsake them.

Isa 42:16

Am I not poor, needy and blind? But even so He will not forsake me...so I hope in Him all day long.

PRAISE & TRUST

Oh wind! Blow upon my garden,
let its fragrance be wafted abroad.
You are a tree ‘neath the breath of God,
well watered, and firm beneath the sod.
Strong and healthy your spirit grows,
each one different, in highs and lows:
each one different, but in the plan,
I’ve planted you in the garden of man.

The breath of my Spirit blows around you each day,
strongly or still, but come what may you’ve only to bend, and joyfully sway.
Bend your proud back and happily nod,
as my Spirit brings over you rain, sun or cloud.
The way to survive is to bend, not to break,
to go with my wind and allow it to shake
you loose from your pride, and your other endeavours
by which you had thought to weather all weathers,
right all wrongs, and bring people to me;
mend broken hearts, save the drowning at sea.

A truly proud streak, and I love your straight back,
your stretching ambitions, but see where you lack?
I alone can do my work, but through vessels sound.
The way to help me, is only found
In flexible trust of all that I bring,
with praise in your heart that helps you to sing.

As you bend and sway ‘neath my Spirit this day,
I am making you into a wonderful way
by which men can shelter, gather food and find peace.
You’re my inspiration of fragrant increase.
I love your deep yearnings to do things for me,
but all I want is for you to be
a thing of beauty right where you belong,
breathing my air and growing strong.

Trust me to make of you all you could dream,
because you and I are part of a team.
I do the work as you thankfully see
that the rain, cold and clouds are as useful to thee
as the summer and sunshine, the heat and the bees;
all help you to grow to be one of my trees.

Don’t take any credit for your beauty of leaf,
but give it to me, your climate and chief.
Be thankful and grateful, and glorify me.
Let others be glad to encounter a tree.

Bronwyn Pryor

I praise You God, for the rain, cold and clouds, as much as the summer and sunshine, heat and bees.I trust in You in all that You bring my way.

THE SACRIFICE OF PRAISE

Tho I do not understand, I do not call You cruel, nor can I call You unjust…nor do I demand or need an explanation. You have given me for two years to enjoy what was never mine to begin with. You have only given, and did not take anything away from me…for what did I have that did not come from You? So I am sorrowful, but yet thankful…and I praise You evermore, for it is only that that keeps me going.

LAST BITTER POST

No point being with the godliest man on the planet, if he doesn't know how to love and cherish you nor see the need to. It is a bitter thing to say, but it is true. Will serve me well to remember that. Enough of all this I guess...I let go....

Even as I feel abandoned I know that You, Emmanuel, will never abandon me...

And eventhough people change, You are unchanging and nothing can separate me from Your love...

Solvitus ambulando cum Deo

LOVE & PAIN

I loved mistakenly....I didn't know that he'd be one who would abandon someone who couldn't say that they consider all things rubbish compared to knowing You...All I know is that I'm following You as best as I know how...I hope that that's enough for You at least...
I wish he wouldn't leave me, I wish he would stay with me always...but not my will but Yours. And tho sometimes I feel at my end, I remember, that You are my portion in the land of the living.

When my spirit grows faints within me,

it is you who know my way.

Ps142:3

PAIN, DEATH & LIFE

In our distorting fear we are tempted to invoke the power of the resurrection as a short cut to new life. We want our Easter without having to go through Good Friday. We choose to overlook the lesson of Palm Sunday: that when we offer our hosannas to Jesus and proclaim him king before we are prepared to experience the pain of his dying and of our own dying with him, our shouts become hollow...the road goes through Calvary and there is no other. Before his resurrection brings new life to us, before we can tolerate the gifts of his rising, something in us has to die. It may well be something which has been very important to us...When we seek to evade the hurt, we lose the goal (of sharing in Calvary and thus resurrection).

Greame Griffin, 'Faith and Fear'

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Heb 12:11

I will not forget that I am sharing in Your suffering, no matter how meager mine seems to be...and it is a joy to share in the sufferings of Christ, although mine would be more discipline instead of suffering for good?

For he wounds, but he also binds up;

he injures, but his hands also heal.

Job 5:18

SANDCASTLE

My God brought me to the beach and asked me to build a sandcastle. So I began to scoop sand with my little bare hands while He looked on. Little by little, the sandcastle took place, until it became the grandest sancastle I ever built. A little bit shabby, but I loved my sandcastle…so much. The sun started to set, and the tide began to inch its way in. Afraid that I was going to lose my beautiful sandcastle, I scooped more sand to build embankments. But the tide was too strong, and I saw my glorious sandcastle give way segment by segment, until all that was left was a heap of sand where it once stood. I turned to my God and wept. I said to Him, “I can never love another sandcastle as much as I loved this one. The next time we come back to the beach, can You help me build this very same sandcastle and not let the waves eat it?” My God smiled at me and merely said, “I love you.” He took my hand, and reluctantly I left the beach and what was once my beautiful sandcastle by the sea.…

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised. Job 1:21

IMPORTANCE

Help me God, to regard and treat everything and everyone as - not any less important than they are, and not any more important than they should be.

GLORIFYING GOD

Is it not alright to choose a path just because you like it to be so (as long as it is not prohibited in the Bible)? Does everything you choose have to directly glorify God? Doesn’t He take pleasure in our happiness? Or are we supposed to just pray “I would like this but Your will be done”, then just sit there and take whatever comes at you to be God’s will? If I lived on that principle I wouldn’t be here in Australia but in UK. Perhaps that was the best? Yes, it probably would have been better if I was in UK and not here.

"AND IF I PERISH, I PERISH"

I was watching a movie entitled One Night With The King, which depicted the story of the biblical Queen Esther. The part where an answer was demanded of Esther as to whether she would intercede on behalf of the Jews was particularly moving, and somewhat nostalgic. To see the very famous verses come alive on screen...

"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" Esther 4:14

Esther then bade the Jews to fast, after which she will go to the king unsummoned, eventhough it was against the law, the penalty of which was death unless the king held out his sceptor to spare the lawbreaker's life. And there was a 15 seconds pause, before Esther said those very words (and I waited, not knowing if they would come, but surely she must say it!)...."And if I perish, I perish".

Why was I so stirred by those words? I guess because it reflected absolute trust and surrender to the will of the Almighty, something I'm not sure I could manage. I wonder if there would be a moment in my life worthy of those words? But even where I am, I'm afraid that a lot of times I remained silent when I shouldn't have. And the message is that if we remain silent then He will use someone else, and pass us by. Do I want to just let Him pass me by?

Absolute trust and surrender. I want to be able to say, "If I perish, I perish" in the little moments of everyday life. And who knows but that I have come to this island for such a time as this? Although I don't know why I'm here and feel continually lost.

LOST

Because there is no vision. Because the people and organizations that once inspired me are miles away. It is harder to follow God and not people.

Go where? Do what? When?

But at least I know Who, and sometimes why. :)

MY CALLING

Just realized something....that my calling is to serve my country at least till I'm 35. And if You do let me specialize in Australia...it would mean that You are calling me to serve my country till I'm at least...40plus! :)

(I am to be bonded to the Malaysian government for 10 years)

God is good... :)

TEN MORE YEARS

I have everything I could possibly dream of...I lack nothing I could possibly want. Yet it is human nature, to not be satisfied, to want more...
My identity is in Him. Yet I want my own identity....to be "my own person". That is my thorn in the flesh.
Is it un-Christian to want things for yourself? I suppose it is...

I want to be a JPA postgrad student...I want to specialize...and I am prepared to work for it, to work to be the top 8% of my class...no matter what it takes. I think that I will be satisfied when I am a JPA postgrad student. Will I? Am I ever? Will I really be prepared to give it all up when that happens? Or will I just want to be "more successful"?

Everything that I have comes from You, nothing that I have is mine. I know and acknowledge that. But still...

Sigh. Living my life as if I only have ten years more to go.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Prov16:9

I'M GOING TO MELBOURNE!

Still find it hard to believe that I'm going. :)

POTs

Calling all professionals of tomorrow...POTs Conference 2007!

Peaceheaven, Genting 12th - 16th Oct 2007

Pick up point: KL Sentral

At Peaceheaven: The coveted i lamp (i stands for identity, in training & impact)

Welcomes 3 tracks....

ToT's: Teachers of Tomorrow

HOT: Healthcarers of Tomorrow

(that's right, I'm HOT! :))

LoT's: Lawyers of Tomorrow

What's exciting?

Exposition on the book of Nehemiah by Bishop Hwa Yung!!

MIA: Missing in Action

Workshops & forum for each track

Games: Pingpong softball, tiga kaki futsal & dodgeball

Plenaries for each tract

Small groups(3 in 1) & Buzz groups(separate tracks)

More pics: curtesy of Timothy Cheng

Day 1 opening worship & challenge: Call to be professionals of tomorrow

Day 2 MIA: Missing grace

Are race relations any better after 50 years? Do we hear the call to love despite injustice and inequality?

Day 3 MIA: Missing Voices - Mock elections!

Registration

Officer playing solitare on laptop (No, I don't know why there's a kaunter diagnosis)

Where are our voices?

When the majority of citizens migrating are Christians...

When there has been 50 years of 'Islamization' and we are being increasingly pushed aside...

When we are shunning work in the government sector where our voices are most needed...

Are you willing to be a voice in Malaysia?

Where all our votes go

Day 4 MIA: Missing Presence

Broken families

"My family is broken....."

Will we be missing or present in restoration?

Day 4: Forum for HOT track

Day 5: Closing & passing on the baton (they made batons for all of us!)

Towards the cross...the many who have gone before us...

We had a great great camp!

Brought to you by:

FES!

Aren't they so glad that we're gone :)

My very own baton....& the town I'm to keep in prayers (one of the top towns in Malaysia where Christian presence is lacking)

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know....that if you missed out the 's' in blogspot (type: blogpot) or type blogpsot instead in the url, you'd be directed to a site that tells you about Bible prophecies being fulfilled and the end times with the sinner's prayer at the end of the page? I didn't. Not until today. Very cool. :)

THE DAY AFTER MSK

Question: What surgical option is there for a ligament tear?
My answer: Ligament graft (got such a thing ar? :P)
Real answer: Reconstruction

Well, there seems to be a graft for almost everything...

The past month has been almost a roller coaster ride: relocating back to my church in Shah Alam, pseudobreakups, trying very hard to keep my quiet time, being 'abducted' on the 22nd of August, gobbling up the whole of Isaiah, daily emails and never-arriving snail mails, memorising lots of bones and muscles and nerves, being rehabilitated from waffles, wondering when JPA will tell me which country to rank first, trying to memorise juniors names(...again), wondering where my car is, practicing my crapping skills, learning about Jeremiah who ran around naked most of the time(and a new word-'streaker'), surprising 'one zero' for her birthday, hating pork more and more cos the caterer keeps giving me pork, remembering that i have a blog....

Picture(s) of the year:

Being 'abducted' to midvalley

Did you know? I was 22 on the 22nd. :)

Got a very good bargain for doing this *haha*

Roller coaster going up again....when will the next descend be?

*MSK(musculoskeletal)

IT WILL PASS

A broken spirit and a contrite heart

You will not despise, You will not despise

You desire truth in the inward parts

A broken spirit and a contrite heart

Lord my heart is prone to wander

Prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart Lord

Lord take and heal it

Seal it for Your courts above

When my spirit grows faint within me, it is You who know my way. Ps142:3

It will pass....

Whom have I in heaven but You? There is nothing on Earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail; but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever. Ps73:25-26

MORE THAN WATCHMEN WAIT FOR THE MORNING

Sometimes the company we have are not what we would have them to be…but life is like that. Like how we can’t choose the family we are born into (but I’m happy with my family la), we can’t choose the company we prefer….or else we wouldn’t need to learn how to love…

‘I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.’ Ps 130:5-6

When He comes…I will no longer struggle with sin and guilt, and loving people will be effortless. For now, I strive on still…but never without His strength and mercy. This is my hope….that that day will come…

‘….put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with Him is full redemption.’ Ps 130:7

In my loneliness I look to You still….more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning….

Yesterday i got a card with the verse:

"...Rejoice in all the good things the Lord your God has given to you..."Deut 26:11

(missing people and feeling so left behind...)

.......

The tears I’ve shed the past few months can overflow a bath tub…funny huh?(fakes a laugh). Like small kid only...everytime cry…
I prayed that You would change me, to be the person You want me to be…no matter what it takes….yet I complain when You answer prayers…
How can I learn so many things at once? To respect leaders I naturally don’t, to obey when I don’t believe in what they say, to open up to people who can be not-so-sensitive, to reach out when I’m already struggling just to enjoy company…(just a few of the many, I’m sure there are lots more)
Then people around me can be divided into two groups mostly…those who say “Why you can’t just obey?” and those who say “It’s okay, you don’t have to…” I wish there was someone who would just be there and not say anything….IMU can be such a lonely place….

LOOK TO HIM

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin. Hebrews 4:15

The International Standard Bible Encyclopedia puts it nicely enough :
Over against a sinful world He stands as a Saviour who is Himself without sin. His is the one life in humanity in which is presented a perfect knowledge and unbroken fellowship with the Father, undeviating obedience to His will, unswerving devotion under the severest strain of temptation and suffering to the highest ideal of goodness.

Wow. Sometimes it seems that I know You…other times, it seems that You’re above comprehension and everything imaginable to me…What kind of a person are You?

I’m feeling better…

I'm so tired of everything....

WHO AM I? TELL ME WHY?!

Why do I feel this way? Is there something wrong with me? These questions have plagued me for months. Only yesterday, in frustration, I wailed to God, “I can’t understand myself! You created my inmost being…” Today, God spoke.

The NEO Inventory
No, this has nothing to do with the matrix. The NEO inventory is a copyrighted personality test (meaning you have to pay to take it) that measures differences among normal (I am normal) people and gives an idea of what makes an individual unique in his/her ways of thinking, feeling and interacting with others.
The reason why I could take this test without paying was because IMU CF got hold of our behavioral science lecturer in IMU to give a workshop on discovering our gifts and talents.
It measures five domains: openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness and neuroticism (emotional reactivity/stability). My score sat in the very low range for extraversion and below outside the very low range for agreeableness in females.
Yes, I am introverted, reserved, serious and prefer to be alone or with a few close friends. And yes, I am hardheaded, skeptical, proud and competitive. However, I DO NOT tend to express my anger directly as my results show, and I AM NOT hostile like what my JPA psychoanalysis says. Rather, I avoid. Actually it may be because if I don’t then I’ll express my anger directly la, but so far I’ve always avoided (I am however starting to realize that avoiding may actually be worse).
So how does this translate into how I relate with people?
I am unconcerned. Unaffectionate (or rather don’t know how to be), solitary and self-sufficient.

However, my personality trait is not ‘who’ I am, it is merely ‘what’ I am.

After completing the test, the lecturer gave a short talk on how people value themselves and her own journey of discovering who she is.

Who am I? Am I a daughter? No, it is merely my role. Am I a student? No, it is merely my job. Am I a Chinese? No, it is merely my race. Who then, am I, outside all these?

On how people value themselves, there are those who say, “I am of value” because I achieve. Others…I am loved, I look good, I am needed or I have power.
What makes you feel valuable? What happens when those things are taken away? Does it mean you cease to exist? Only if it defines who you are.
I feel that I am of value because…. I achieve and I am needed. So what happens when I don’t achieve? When I am not needed? Which explains why an A minus will never be good enough and I try to juggle a myriad of things; and I do incomprehensible acts like lend my car to others more often than I use it myself. Because it reinforces my value…All 6.6 billion people on earth may love me, but if I don’t achieve or am needed…I am of no value. On the other hand, if I do achieve and am needed, it doesn’t matter so much whether I am loved.

But yet, it is who I am that defines what I do, not what I do that defines who I am.

Who am I? I am a child of God, my identity is with Christ.
What is my value? Priceless, I am worth God’s only Son.

Why is it that I keep trying to define who I am by what I do? Is it not enough that I am a child of God? Or do I believe it can be earned or I can be more worthy of it? Or is it just because I am not as matured as I think I am, so much so that whether other’s think I’m a ‘good Christian’ matters a lot? Do I merely do things so that others will think that I’m a ‘good Christian’?

How far am I required to submit to authority? Even when it breaks me?
It breaks me because I have to be what I’m not, and that is hard. Because being ‘who’ I am requires that I be the complete opposite of ‘what’ I am.
Can I be both ‘what’ I am and ‘who’ I am? It’s obviously possible because others have managed…but at a price…
It breaks me because I fail again and again…I don’t achieve, therefore I am of no value. Because I do not achieve, I am not needed…again, I am of no value.
In CF, the focus is knowing who God is and who I am in Him…reaching out is complementary and secondary. If I were to tell CF that I managed to sit down with an unbeliever during lunch and chat, they’re all gonna go “Three cheers for Linda!” clap clap…clap clap clap X3 clap clap clap clap..clap clap….. instead of asking me whether I invited the person to CF. I am of value in CF.
The feeling that I get in church is quite the opposite. I am of no value…seems to be reinforced again and again.
Why do I feel this way? Is there something wrong with me?
Why am I still hanging on in my church when I feel that I am of no value there? Because I choose not to believe in a lie, regardless of how I feel. But I still feel how I feel after one whole year and I still feel uncomfortable. Somehow, talking about it seems to reinforce the ‘I am of no value feeling’. Is it my fault? I feel that it’s time I stop being a Martha in church and just be a Mary instead. I need it badly….

The NEO test says that for most individuals, personality traits tend to be very stable in adulthood. Unless one experiences major life changes or make deliberate efforts to change, it should apply throughout the adult life (although one might score somewhat differently).
Making deliberate efforts to change…is tiring. I feel hopeless…because it seems impossible. I feel lonely…because my personality trait makes it hard to open up and people may be judgmental and not so understanding when I actually do succeed to open up. I feel stressed…because expectations are more than I am capable of. I feel immature…because I keep feeling this way….

As Sarah Ong says…I am an imperfect person, living in an imperfect world…yet trusting a perfect God…who makes all things beautiful in it’s time.

For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Ps 139:13-14

So CF theme this month is really for me…and thanks CG people, for merely being there…Mummy is soooooo touched! (Actually, I’d prefer if they’d stop calling me that).

MY FEELINGS LIE

"Love is a choice, not a feeling..." Teach me to keep making that choice every single new day, no matter what my feelings say....

AT THE CROSS

Oh Lord You’ve searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me

Your Holy Presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me

You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me

At the Cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There’s no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done

And when the Earth fades
Falls from my eyes
And You stand before me
I know You love me
I know You love me

This song by Hillsong is dedicated to one of the great young men in their church, Jeremy Wong, who went to be with the Lord on 25th Feb 2006, to honor his life and thank God for the stand he made for Jesus Christ.

If everything was already done for me at the cross, then why do I still struggle? How far do I really believe? How much do I really understand? How well do I really know my God?

SPIRITUAL HYPOCHONDRIASIS

“I want to die…”
It’s just one of those times when you feel utterly defeated. You don’t want to talk about it, because every single word that comes out will ultimately serve to condemn yourself. There is no way to justify myself. I am guilty as charged, and that I know. But I am yet unrepentant. Hypochondriasis in layman terms is thinking that you are suffering from some sort to serious disease and becoming excessively obsessed with it. I’ve practically labelled myself with every negative label that I’ve heard from those referring to “not me but other Christians out there”. But they don’t know. That I am perhaps “indifferent, selfish, hypocritical…not wanting to change”. Basically, “someone you shouldn’t waste your time on.” Fact or spiritual hypochondriasis? Every single day I suspect more and more that it’s the former. I am indifferent, to the fact that preaching the gospel IS a commandment, selfish because I refuse to sacrifice my own comforts for the sake of making friends, living a double life….and the fact that I DO know, but yet refuse to change! No, frankly I’m not interested in leading outreach cell, (and I doubt whether anyone fit to be a CG leader ever says anything like this)….I’m tired of struggling, of being the ideal Christian, the ideal disciple, the ideal church member….i give up! I don’t wan’t to struggle anymore! I’m happy the way my life is….am I? Could I really be?
“A Christian who isn’t struggling is a dead Christian”. So in essence when I say that “I don’t want to struggle anymore”, I am actually saying “I want to die…”
Therefore I can't say such things....ever.
Who am I that You are mindful of me?
(And I’m glad that there is One who never gives up on me even if I and everyone else does…including myself!)

END OF 1ST YR (I'm still in medical school!)

Despite my efforts to remind myself that I have to update my blog, almost one whole month has passed, and I have only one post up before my holiday officially comes to an end. I have been busy. Really. Erm, not with studying, I have yet to revise my Sem2 stuff...despite my dear's efforts to remind me that he did and therefore I should also. Yes, leave it to me to push everything till the last four days of my 1 month plus break. I can vaguely remember telling my batchmates in the 1st week of rotations, "We HAVE to start revising NOW, or else we'll never get to it!" Ha ha...I'm a genius, I haven't got to it...yet. I'm gonna sit for the killer exam in 20 weeks! What am I doing? (Ladies and gentlemen, please count down the days to my EOS and remind me everytime you see me, I'm serious!) Quoting from Dr Timothy Song himself,"...because of orientation and IMU Cup, your respi will be screwed although it's an easy one to score. Hemato will be too difficult for you to comprehend, therefore it is also screwed. And GI will be impossible for you to finish, it is definately screwed. So, in short, your Sem3 EOS is screwed!" Yes, we all need to hear that...bummer...unless I take every lecture seriously, and knowing me...sigh. Anyway, it's a sin to fret, so I'll stop right here. I'll just trust that He'll bring me through as He always does...
Instead, I want to thank Him, for a break that I felt was well used (I think). From going house to house to pray for the Sems 1, 3 and 5 before their EOS, attending sewage treatment lectures, my KKB posting (seeing two deliveries and countless stiching), spending time with my family (how they bear my cooking and driving, plus watching those darn korean movies), learning how to cope with an angry patient (or not), the trip to Penang (spending time with matt n meeting up with ee ling), one-on-one discipleship, the Mission Trip and practices with the "tempang" Sem5s n 3s (I am Sem3 now), reading at least 4 whole books, meeting up with ECF seniors, to watching Superman and Pirates of the Carribean with very special ppl...most memorable holiday so far, definately enjoyed it more than the last one...I better hit the books pretty soon...

DREAMS AND MIRACLES

How many of us can honestly say that we still believe in dreams and miracles? What is a miracle? Getting a parking space in a busy mall at peak hour? Is that all that He does or the greatest that He can do? Provide a parking space? Help you pass your exams or even grant you an A? What was the greatest thing that He has done for me? Get me a scholarship? Is that all? It isn’t a question we’d like to answer…because we don’t expect, therefore we don’t see…The world has taught us not to hope, no, don’t aim high, you’d most probably be disappointed…Oh, don’t dream big, you’ll never achieve what you want anyway…And we not only believe them, we even subject God to these lies…But no, it isn’t true…our God never disappoints, there is nothing that He can’t do…
We’ve been believing in lies all along…and still do…
Open our eyes to see truth in the midst of a world that is blind, that we may restore sight to a world where lies are truths and truth is considered too good to be true. How else can we show the way when we ourselves are blind?

THE STORY

I remember in standard one, we had to tell a story in Bahasa Malaysia, and how I stood up in front of the entire class and told the story of creation and the fall AND got an A for it (cos unlike the rest, I was spontaneous and didn’t need to read from a scrap of paper). No, the point of this post is not to brag about how I got an A, it‘s the fact that I was seven and I stood up in front of my class, and told a story from the Bible. No, I didn’t tell them how Christ died for us on the cross to pay for our sins then rose again on the third day (I doubt I really understood the significance of it then anyway). But still, it was a part of the Bible AND my classmates loved it. Then the very next day I brought my book of children’s bible stories to school, and showed my classmates...I was telling the world (then my world was my class) at the age of seven…And now, to just approach the subject of Christianity with non believers, a million what ifs would cross my mind. I try not to sound too offensive...Oh, you don’t have to believe it but this is what I believe…What has happened? The truth is, many would want to know…but we’re afraid of telling them. Why? When 16 years ago it didn’t require any thought at all, just tell…That was child-like faith. We’ve been robbed of it, because of the very way we’ve been brought up, we’ve been taught to fear…to fear talking of your religion as if it was the only true one, converting Malays, not living up to what we preach, being seen as pushy by others. A million precautions, taboos, what ifs…What has the world done to us? To me? We were called, not to have minds that can prove all the others wrong, nor to have that magnetic charisma that draws the crowd, nor superhuman organizational skills to put up the greatest, most perfect evangelistic meeting. Sometimes we think that so much is required of us, when all He wants is just child-like faith and a willing heart. Will I be able to get a glimpse of what it was like to be that seven year old kid again? They’re all lies, and we don’t even realize that we’re falling for them…
You said that You are the truth and that the truth will set us free…
To me then, it was just a great story, and I wanted to share it with my class..
Now I know, it wasn’t just any story, and the God in that story isn’t just any god, He IS God…why am I not sharing?
No, you don’t have to go sit down in some quiet place and close your eyes and concentrate really hard to hear God (not always). He’s in everything we see and hear…if only we’d take time to look for Him. It was just the memory of a book, the sight of it, the remembrance of an event…and everything He had to say about it…

THE POEM

Five months of longing, of being apart,
So much to tell, where shall he start,
He’s happy, he’s thrilled, he’s giddy, he’s gay,
Because he likes me, more than he can say.

So in poetry he writes, with poetry he'll tell,
Words from his heart, from his feelings as well,
That he’s fallen for me, it’s just like a dream,
Nothing’s quite real, or how it should seem.

He wants to hold me, to tell me he does care,
He’d like to assure me, he’ll always be there,
Yet he knows, the future’s not his nor mine,
It belongs to God, may His glory shine.

Through both our lives, through each of our days,
Yes, may we always be found, following His ways,
To seek His will, to seek His face,
To trust in Him, and find His grace.

That even if, we should be apart,
We’d be closer together, near to God’s heart,
Than we’d ever could be, choosing on our own,
To be together, and not be alone.

And taking this step of faith, yes I do fear,
But still will I choose, to be with my heart’s dear,
For though the future, it’s not ours to see,
In His great arms of love, forever we shall be.

ROTATIONS

It’s not that I didn’t have anything to blog about for the past two weeks; you could say that life in IMU has really hit me in the face. System courses, this IS the real thing (although CVS is supposedly the easiest system in IMU). Now I see why some become disillusioned, and studying becomes the main priority in life, this is when all they look forward to is a slip of paper that bears the lone triangle. I am reminded that I too, could easily fall into that, I have every reason to….to fulfill my dreams of a certain University, to meet the expectations of my dad and worse still my own, to live up to the image of a scholar and also the image of a Christian….but it’s not all about me, how much I try or even how pure my motives seem to be. It’s times like this that I realize in comparison, You never asked more than I could give, yet You asked for ALL that I have, along with all that I am. Hmm…..question is can I give my all? Yes, not by might nor by power, but by Your Spirit. I will hang on to that, I give my IMU days into Your hands….
Rotations is the perfect time for relaxing, but of course not a time to be idle, which I hope I will not be…please guard me against that, I have a tendency to oversleep these days. So far had lectures on sewage treatment (yes, it’s related to medicine…preventive side), just spent almost two hours studying pictures of parasites (those darn Plasmodiums…grrr), will soon be going off to the famous KKB posting where we’re sent to observe clinic settings for five days…then there’s always the Orang Asli mission trip in August to look forward to…bathing in the river, sarong and all…wonder if I’ll manage? The medical semester is almost nearing it’s end, now only the slaughtering of Sem5 left…I can hear the shouts of the Sem1 ppl getting their End of Sem results right now….that seemed so long ago…yup, the entire Sem2, in just one blink of an eye…but I’m glad.

GOTTA KEEP SINGING

Another rainy day
I can’t recall heaven’s sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place

But when I am stuck, I can’t move
When I don’t know what I should do
When I wonder whether I’ll ever make it through….

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
You’re the one that’s keeping my heart beat
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
And that’s the only way that I’ll find me

Can I climb up in Your lap?
I don’t wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing…
You’re everything I need

(by:mercyme)

SIGH...

I have always prided myself in being dependable and trustworthy; paying attention to details and signing everything I do with a mark of excellence, or at least the best of effort. Today, I had a time frame of 30mins to borrow a red spot book for a friend. It’s one of those times when, no, I didn’t forget, I had everything planned out, go to the library at four, look for the book, borrow before 4.30. I think I saw the time wrongly when I decided to shower? I ran. Couldn’t find book. Found book. Brought to counter. 4.32pm. System closed. So close, yet so far. Of course my friend said that it was ok. But I feel terrible…worse than terrible, just disappointed at myself. How could this happen? No…
It’s not about the book, it’s the feeling of failing someone you never did before, of ever failing anybody, but most of all, fail to reach your own expectations. Yes, I expect a lot from others…there are people whom I’ve thought of as sloppy, irresponsible, careless…but I guess even the best of them will fail you at times, cos we’re only humans.
There is only One who will never fail us. May I never look for perfection anywhere else than in Him, cos I will find none. I prayed that He may teach me humility, and as have always happened before, He’d never miss the chance to mold us more into His image when we willingly ask….therefore, when you pray, be prepared of the consequences! Feel better, but still….
Sigh, I do have a tendency to make a mountain out of a molehill…

SYMPATHETIC STIMULATION

Stressstressstress….all because of one name: Rajesh. Oh, he’s our Cardiovascular system course coordinator who gives lecture notes with more than half of the essentials missing. It took me almost two hours looking for all the missing pieces of information for just one lecture, and he’s the one taking the bulk of our lectures for this system…arrgghhhh! Nice guy, intelligent fellow who laughs at his own jokes… but lousy lecture organization and notes! Help….It’s gonna be one loooonnngg weekend….
But the more stressful thing? PMS (not Pre-Menstrual Syndrome, but Pre-Matching Syndrome). Nah, it actually stands for Partner Medical School. Under the twinning program, we will rank the PMS of our choice from 1 to 23, and each PMS will also rank us from 1 to (?) according to their set of criteria - that is what you call the Matching Process. So here I am, determined to get to Melbourne form day one of my IMU life (because of one very silly reason of fulfilling a certain teenage dream), however now I realize that there are several obstacles in my way:
1. There are only 4 places in Melbourne, and worst case scenario (grossly exaggerated) about 100 of us who might want to get there.
2. JPA has made it compulsory for all of us to put Australian Us at the top of our list, which means competing with all JPA scholars who will undoubtedly put either Melbourne or UNSW as their first choice.
3. The recent policy change in the UK (foreign students are not allowed to do their post graduate degree there) means that I’ll also be competing with at least a quarter of my batch mates.
4. The matching process that supposedly gives a higher weightage to our preference may be random to a certain degree (owing to the fact that some good students don't the U of their choice which was given to the poorer students)
So yeah, it’s like God saying to me in my naïve days in Sem 1, “Do you think I can do this?”, and now the same question, with the addition of the above factors, “Do you still believe I can do this?”. I admit, I need a greater measure of faith. It’s like what Sarah was saying, “God, I don’t care if You put me in a U that I don’t want to be in, just tell me now!” Man, I’m gonna have PMS for a loooonnngg time, since I’ll never know for sure till 11/2 years from now. (We only undertake the Matching Process in our 5th Sem, um, ya, in certain things I look further ahead, the stress might go away in perhaps a month’s time, but the cycle will undoubtedly repeat itself every time my seniors get their PMS results)
All that and knowing that I am guaranteed of the U of my second choice (Queensland) if I write in now, as they come in a first come first serve basis cos Queensland is not in the Matching Process since you’ll have to do a degree in B. Med before going over…kinda complicated. To make it simple, I get second best if I would decide to go for it now and give up the best U which I have a very slim chance of getting into, and it’s one or the other, no second chance.
And I’ve decided to believe that my God is BiG enough to get me in Melbourne, but even if He chooses not to, He will make sure that I get into the BEST U, not my best, but His best.

I know this is really early, but here’s my 1 to 6:
University of Melbourne
University of New South Wales
University of Adelaide
University of Western Australia
University of Newcastle
University of Tasmania

If you would look carefully, it’s actually in the order (first four, or five if you include Queensland) of the cities in which a certain conference will be held, and the last two, in comparison of the amount I would spend on transportation to get to that certain conference. Call me mad, deranged, whatever…that’s my top six, for now.

THE LITTLE BOY

Once upon a time, there lived a little boy and his elder brother. They lived at the edge of a forest, on a little farm with a stream flowing not too far off. The little boy, being too little to concern himself with ‘manly’ duties, would tag alongside the elder as he went about his daily routine, always observing with the utmost attention. It would be a simple chore, such as cutting wood for fire. And the little boy would stare in wonder, saying to himself, “Wow, what strength big brother has, that he parts logs with just one strike of the axe! When I grow up, I’m gonna be just like him, and part logs with just one strike!” The little boy can’t very well lift the axe above his own little head, but is satisfied with carrying his elder brother’s axe for now, always glad to be of some help.
And so it would be, the little boy tottering along, taking two steps with his short legs for every step that his elder brother took. On the farm, he would watch intently as the elder went about feeding, tending, sheering and milking, thinking, “How knowledgeable big brother is, he know best how to handle each animal! When I grow up, I’m gonna be just like him and know all things!” In the meantime, he was content with carrying animal feed around, struggling with all his might with the big pail, proud that he was of service.
On another day, the elder would want to fish, but seeing that he did not bring his rod along, the little boy would quickly offer his, honored that the elder would use his humble rod. As usual, the little boy would sit by the elder, amazed with the like, “How well big brother can fish, bringing in the biggest fishes with such skill and patience! When I grow up, I’m gonna be just like him and catch many fish!” The little boy would then beam when asked to help carry home some of the catch of the day.
That was how it was, every single day. Now the elder brother would be going off to college, and little boy sits and wonders to himself, “Will I ever be like big brother, and when?”

THRILLED...AGAIN

I actually lost my pen drive two months ago…have been using my mp3 player as a substitute all this while. I posted up notices, but no news, so I took them down. I’d have given it up for lost, but now someone has found it and returned it. Did the person feel guilty? I will never know. I guess God was trying to teach me to hold on to nothing on this Earth but Him and Him alone. I may be robbed of many things, but no one can ever steal my God. Also that He hears and answers prayers….it may be two days, or two months, but He answers prayers definitely. He does have funny ways of doing things, I’m never in lack of surprises with such a God, ha ha!

THRILLED

Ha ha...IMU has replaced the computers with these super cool acer veriton, Pentium 4HT! I'm now downloading stuff from e-sword in 10 mins when even my streamix at home takes one hour! Sleek mouse, stylish CPU! Super fast!!!
CG today was on the Bible, evidences of it being inspired, formation of the canon, apocrypha and pseudegraphical books. I could feel the level of stress of my batchmates climbing as we went into the formation of the canon. Yeah, it was a little too deep perhaps, considering I actually took about a month on and off of reading...plus, there was a non-christian in our midst! Confusing for my CG mates, more so for her! But I explained as best as I could. Yup, it was challenging for them. At least now I guess they're provoked to find out more about the book which is the foundation of our faith, and to really know the Bible cover to cover, inside out and all around. And the girl is interested to read the Bible now! I just prayed on Wed itself, inspired by the SEM1 CG that has non-believers attending, that one day I would live to see the same thing happening in SEM2 CG. That was a very fast answer! And I used the term 'live to see'. Ye of little faith. Yup, it's my dream of dreams that CG will not only be a place for Christians to edify each other, but also be a place where the lost can come and find out more about God...I'm thrilled!
Yeah, long day today, with music practice in the morning for the coming high praise session, CG, lecture then PBL, which I had no time to prepare, only printed out something from the net to present. As my PBL mates were presenting their's, the facilitator shot out numerous questions for them, and this time, my stress levels went up with every minute. When it came to my turn, no questions from the faci, how odd, how relieved I was! Ha ha, thank you God! Saved again, by His grace...Anyway, my topic was on risk factors of tachycardia...so no big deal perhaps.
I better go back and study from the first week this time around...Another music practice in church tomorrow...Oh, did I announce? I bought a new toy!!! Sansamp GT2 amp simulator, RM 590. One word-sweet. Well, that was like two months ago d...