GOOD & BEST

Maybe as I pray I will start to feel like it. 

Let not what is good get in the way of what may be best.

TRAIN BOARDING

There are some phrases that stick with you for awhile.

"Train boarding, train boarding.... train has left the station." S.K, OCF cell leader, 2008

That phrase was commonly used by my previous cell leader to convey that one has not yet understood a joke even after everyone else had finished laughing over it.

Allow me to make a detour for a bit.

It has been nearly two years since I graduated from student life. Yet, I've not really made the transition from student life per se - most of my friends are still students and when I can, I still hang out with them and have fun like there's no (work) tomorrow.

And in this time period, several other people including high school friends and other same age peers have gotten married/given birth/bought a house etc. Feels as if they have moved on and I have not.

Is it just that my train has not arrived? Or has it arrived but I refuse to board?

I'm not sure if I want to go where that train takes me. But everyone boards that train sometime or later, and we each have our trains. If I wait for everyone else's trains to arrive too before I board mine, might I miss my own train?

Yet, the conversations of yesterday had all been very reassuring. No, rather the conversations I had with various people over the past two weeks had been very reassuring, and culminated in the conversations I had yesterday.

Whether my train has finally arrived or I'm finally ready to board my train... I don't know. 

But I'm boarding.

Because I've had the reassurance that You will provide for me where needed, and there are those who will journey with me in one way or another, at least for awhile yet.

BELOVED

To join a gym and gym regularly was one of the things in my list of "Things to do before 30". Yes, that notorious number dreaded by women worldwide is actually not too far away!

I finally managed to attend my first gym class today on Body Balance (tai chi/pilates/yoga mix).

In the relaxation part, the instructor asked us to "Think of a positive statement about yourself..."

Hmmm. Positive statement?

Then it came.

"BELOVED". And tears too.

Our identity is always in relation to Him, what He has done and how He has loved us.

I have loved you with an everlasting love... Jer 31:3

*Thankfully the room was dimmed and everyone were lying on their backs facing the ceiling when all this happened XD

Sometimes it just feels like I need to keep relearning lessons of life.

Yes, all these (friendships) are temporary... but You who have provided will provide again.

And YOU are my portion for eternity, that will never change.

A SIMPLE SUNDAY

(after the excitement and mind-broadening experiences of 28.04.12)

So help me Lord, to look to you today and all the days that will follow....

To really believe and live out what I say I believe - that all work is sacred and should be done unto You, and my serving of others is a service unto You.

Hear my prayer and answer the desires of my heart, desires which sometimes are on the brink of overwhelming me - a desire for something more.

"IT"

They were hungry and thirsty, and their lives ebbed away. 

Then they cried out the LORD in their trouble, 

and he delivered them from their distress... 

Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love 

and his wonderful deeds for men, 

for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things. 

Ps 107:5-6,8-9

Perhaps it is the contemporary songs that we sing, themes like "greater things are yet to come", "more of You", "use me" and more of the same. They're always talking about this "something more".

What is this "something more"?

I can feel a certain discontentment eating away inside - a yearning for this "something more", that I don't know what, which I only assume must be seeing God working supernaturally in my life, or doing some great work for Him - only that will take away this discontentment and bring "true" happiness.

Yes, I have absolutely no idea what this "something more" is. I only know what it is not...(and here I begin to list down every single good thing I have ever experienced in life). I only know that all these are not "it". So sometimes I push all these things away and say, "No this is not it, I don't want this!"

SO THEN WHAT IS "IT"?

There is a hunger and a thirst. It always begins with a hunger and thirst.

Perhaps there is no "it". Perhaps it is not my place to know or search out what this "it" is (if there is an "it"). ....Perhaps the only thing needed of me is to acknowledge that I do hunger and thirst, and to trust that He who knows all things will respond by filling me with good things, not according to my definitions, but what He knows "it" to be - which can sometimes include many varied and common things.

And then definitely, it'll be my job to thank Him for these, and to continue to trust that His providence will never run dry so long as I hunger and thirst.

BEING OPEN

This time around in Easter camp, I spoke in tongues again probably the first time in many years.

Coming from a Pentecostal background where speaking in tongues had been overemphasized, I've always been prejudiced ever since I came away. Because I couldn't resolve the issue or make sense of it (and I mean biblically and not logically), I regarded speaking in tongues as one of the biggest controversy in the Protestant church - something that I should just leave alone.

Come ministry night where a series of events throughout the camp led up to an altar call for those who wanted to be baptized in the Holy Spirit. People came forward to be prayed for, and there was a word of caution from the pastor that those who ministered to not step forward unless they knew how to pray for it - otherwise they needed praying for themselves!

Me, not wanting to have anything to do with this backed away and made sure that there was a clear distance between me and those who came forward, which included a new girl in my OCF cell group.

Then comes Mr MC OCF President out of the blue and said, "Linda can you take care of so-and-so (new girl in my OCF cell group).

Argh. So much for not wanting to get involved and setting a clear distance.

So I did pray.

After that night, I realized that eventhough there was a basis to test everything by scriptures and to be meticulous in making sure that practices are indeed biblical, I had not been very open to the work of God in this area and that was wrong - I or even others may miss out on God's blessings if I choose to remain not open to His workings.

This in turn made we think of other possible areas where I similarly am not open for Him to work how and when and as He wants.

Why?

Perhaps, fear of failure. Because I'd rather say "Oh, I'm not attached because I chose not to be rather than because things didn't work out."
Want of control. Never try equals never fail, that's a guarantee. But I forget that it equals never experiencing what could have been as well, or worse still - missing out on what could have been.
Being lazy. I don't want to work at things, I just want to continue being and doing what I have been all this while.

Sigh. So please be patient with me, both You and the 'you's who have been or are affected by my lack of openness. I know I do run, but I don't intend to be always running away.

The lessons never end. It is because of this that I am assured that 'You who began a good work in me will complete it'. It is not about how hard I can/should hang on or press on (eventough that is important), but the fact that You have the power to bring to past what You have promised, and are faithful to do it in spite of my lacking - if only I let You.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION

To let go of the old, and trust that they were only there for a season & for a reason that has now passed; and to trust the One who says "Behold, I make all things new!", that He will continue to provide.

Starting out with blank walls this time, and officially moving on from OCF.

SUMMER

It's not that there are more lows this year compared to the last. In fact, perhaps there are actually less lows. But relatively, because there are significantly less highs, the balance is upset... and I've been drowning in melancholy so much more this year.

So save me.

Let the summer bring with it new tidings of Your love.

NEW BEGINNINGS (AGAIN)

Very soon 2011 will draw to a close... as so is my long row of shifts!

The start of this year was a time of... being involuntarily taken away from my comfort zone, psyching myself up to start a new beginning in many ways, feeling guilty of choosing to stay rather than go back to Malaysia as I have promised, and feeling inadequate as an intern starting out.

And the middle of the year... realizing that I wasn't all that I thought I was/ capable of, giving up persistent praying because there doesn't seem to be an answer, working very hard and long because I don't have a life anyway (note the sarcasm & bitterness), and in many ways just being apathetic and going with the flow.

The last bit of the year... working in Frankston (and now Warragul) but driving to the city on average twice a week and enjoying friendships (and playing guitar) again, knowing I'm nowhere perfect and being ok with that, feeling relieved and not guilty anymore because the job I wanted was served to me on a silver platter, and learning to be very intentional with my times with You.

I would say the year passed pretty quickly, and relatively well (with the exception of not being able to see friends as often as I would have liked and not being able to play guitar).

And the end of this year actually feels more like a junction compared to last year, because most of my friends are moving on this year, onto many different new journeys; and will be leaving a huge part of my life empty - yet a fertile ground for new beginnings.

ALL THE BEST TO ALL I HAVE KNOWN AND LOVED BEING WITH!

Oh, and I still feel somewhat inadequate as an intern! :S

THE STILLNESS THE DANCING

I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love,
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.

T.S. Eliot, East Coker

I will leave it to You to order and provide: in every change You are faithful.

SEASONS

OCF was for a season of my life, and that season has now passed. For a time it was - a safe refuge, a place to fall back on, where there's laughter in the hardest days and kindred spirits for melancholic moments. I thank You for what OCF was, and in many ways still is to me.

We mourn the seasons that pass, but yet celebrate the new seasons that come, knowing full well that each season brings treasures of it's own, if only we embrace them.

RECOLLECTIONS CONTINUED

It's true that life never gets easier the older you get, it just gets harder... and more complicated. Ben Yue said at OCF Returnees, "You look back at the things that used to worry you when you were younger, you laugh because they look so trivial now!" What he also said was to look at the present troubles with perspective from the future - what looms big now will one day look trivial too.

I was watching 'Marley & Me' just now, which sort of propelled me to a sort of postgraduate life crisis moment. The movie brought out more of the seasons of adult life than was in the book version - the struggles and complexities that come with working out our careers, marriage & parenting... and figuring how to blend them all together or preventing them from falling apart.

The pregraduate years were pretty simple, because EVERYTHING was planned out for you - you studied for exams, finish highschool, get a scholarship (or not!), go to pre-U, study for exams (again!), go to University, study for exams (yet again!!)... and graduate. Then for medicine you work hard and get through internship year, figure out what you might want to specialize in, then apply for residency (plus pay off scholarship bond for me).

But after that... it's all BLANK, for me at least. I don't have a plan for what happens after. It might've been great if I was ambitious and knew exactly what I'd want to specialize in - but the fact is I don't really mind specializing or not. And it would've been great if there is some guy that I'd want to marry and spend the rest of my life with - but the fact is I don't think I can even bring myself to go out with one in the first place.

So... my plans for what happens after becoming a full fledged doctor and a free woman (from my scholarship bond) is completely and utterly NOTHING.

And that scares me. Big time.

Dear God, that leaves You free to bring whatever You will, doesn't it?

RECOLLECTIONS

Just sitting in bed (having woken up at 1130 this morning!) and listening to a CD a bought by a local artist here Charles J. Tan. Bought the CD on Friday at a charity concert, but I've just not got time to listen yet due to the busy weekend!

Cell group and a good devotional on 'Prayers of Recollection', a 'geeky' OCF friend's 18th birthday party, then one whole Sunday of music practice and three services... and of course the driving up and down Frankston.

It feels so good to play with a band again!!! =D

And I guess I've not properly thanked You, for the job near the city without needing to go for an interview. Sometimes the best things in life can come just like that. Perhaps if given another chance I wouldn't have done medicine, I would've done something that offers fixed working hours and thus the freedom to commit to the local church life and build on friendships. But hey, now that I'm here, I'll just make the best of it, though I don't see the bigger picture of Your plans.

In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength. Isa 30:15

Let me continue to learn the truth of this.

BRING IT BACK

I think... I'm a little bit resentful. Resentful at my job, and perhaps at You as well.

It's so obvious that it's You who has made it possible for me to come back to Melbourne. But why now? Why did I have to miss all those gatherings and trips and birthdays and sleepovers? And now when I'm allowed back, my friends are leaving for good.

I don't understand why I'm doing medicine, as each day passes I'm thinking more and more - this is not worth it! I feel cheated. I feel robbed of my time with friends.

And yet, nothing that I have was ever mine to start with.

Sigh.

Bring back 2010.

THAT SUMMER

When I first saw you, you were sitting there in the front row with that lost look on your face. And I asked you, "Are you new? Coz you look lost!" I guess there was something about that face that drew me...

That was summer of 2009.

It's funny, the things that you remember.

THE POST-WEDDING BLUES CHRONICLES - STALEMATE

When I lay these questions before God I get no answer, but a rather special sort of 'no answer'. It is not a locked door, but a gaze, certainly not uncompassionate, not in refusal, but waving the question, saying, 'Peace child, you do not understand.' ~ C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Anything that involves at least one living being gets complicated. Love, cannot be forced. In the same way, you can't force the feelings to 'go'. And so, this is stalemate.

He will not take a step towards me - and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it!

My mind understands, and yet my heart does not, it does not.

How long has it been...?


I look up, and see Your arms opened wide.

THE RETURNING

And so the exiled has been allowed to return! (That's how I interpret my job offer without an interview) Indeed no one can sway His hand when He so determines!

SO

What now?

And will You who swayed the matching process also sway a heart for me?

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

LOVE AS HARD AS NAILS

"...who for the joy set before Him endured the cross..."

Joy, knowing that millions of people would no longer need live in despair of a purposeless and meaningless existence, but are enabled to come and find the Source of life - in relationship with You.

***************************************************

Although I am separated by distance, knowing that my OCF cell group is still there gives me a sense of comfort. But come December, half of the cell leaves - the half that I have laughed with, studied with, stayed up late with, and enjoyed life with.

And the whole of this year, I have only played in service ONCE! I no longer belong to a band or a music ministry...

Perhaps I was much too ambitious, thinking that I could survive without OCF and guitaring. Thus, now I feel lost, and not quite sure of what I am apart from all these.

Again, I am astounded by how this is probably the most perfect time for a guy to appear in my life (plus I'm working and of marriageable age and all!), except for this stupid-heart-that-won't-move-on.

***************************************************

So...

I thank You, that in You I know I can always say, "I belong and am found".

Love's as hard as nails,
Love is nails:
Blunt, thick, hammered through
The medial nerves of One
Who, having made us, knew
The thing he had done;
Seeing (with all that is)
Our cross, and his.
~ C.S. Lewis, Poems

UH OH

I was singing (and playing) over a few songs today (cos I have the day off!), and starting to learn to enjoy my own company again, just like in the old days before I came to Melbourne.

But I guess there were just a few songs that I couldn't sing very well, or rather would sound better if there was someone else singing it... which made me feel rather lonely singing on my own.

Uh-oh!

Why is this getting worse rather than better?

Maybe I've been singing too much.

Can one sing too much in a day?