SUMMER

It's not that there are more lows this year compared to the last. In fact, perhaps there are actually less lows. But relatively, because there are significantly less highs, the balance is upset... and I've been drowning in melancholy so much more this year.

So save me.

Let the summer bring with it new tidings of Your love.

NEW BEGINNINGS (AGAIN)

Very soon 2011 will draw to a close... as so is my long row of shifts!

The start of this year was a time of... being involuntarily taken away from my comfort zone, psyching myself up to start a new beginning in many ways, feeling guilty of choosing to stay rather than go back to Malaysia as I have promised, and feeling inadequate as an intern starting out.

And the middle of the year... realizing that I wasn't all that I thought I was/ capable of, giving up persistent praying because there doesn't seem to be an answer, working very hard and long because I don't have a life anyway (note the sarcasm & bitterness), and in many ways just being apathetic and going with the flow.

The last bit of the year... working in Frankston (and now Warragul) but driving to the city on average twice a week and enjoying friendships (and playing guitar) again, knowing I'm nowhere perfect and being ok with that, feeling relieved and not guilty anymore because the job I wanted was served to me on a silver platter, and learning to be very intentional with my times with You.

I would say the year passed pretty quickly, and relatively well (with the exception of not being able to see friends as often as I would have liked and not being able to play guitar).

And the end of this year actually feels more like a junction compared to last year, because most of my friends are moving on this year, onto many different new journeys; and will be leaving a huge part of my life empty - yet a fertile ground for new beginnings.

ALL THE BEST TO ALL I HAVE KNOWN AND LOVED BEING WITH!

Oh, and I still feel somewhat inadequate as an intern! :S

THE STILLNESS THE DANCING

I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love,
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.

T.S. Eliot, East Coker

I will leave it to You to order and provide: in every change You are faithful.

SEASONS

OCF was for a season of my life, and that season has now passed. For a time it was - a safe refuge, a place to fall back on, where there's laughter in the hardest days and kindred spirits for melancholic moments. I thank You for what OCF was, and in many ways still is to me.

We mourn the seasons that pass, but yet celebrate the new seasons that come, knowing full well that each season brings treasures of it's own, if only we embrace them.

RECOLLECTIONS CONTINUED

It's true that life never gets easier the older you get, it just gets harder... and more complicated. Ben Yue said at OCF Returnees, "You look back at the things that used to worry you when you were younger, you laugh because they look so trivial now!" What he also said was to look at the present troubles with perspective from the future - what looms big now will one day look trivial too.

I was watching 'Marley & Me' just now, which sort of propelled me to a sort of postgraduate life crisis moment. The movie brought out more of the seasons of adult life than was in the book version - the struggles and complexities that come with working out our careers, marriage & parenting... and figuring how to blend them all together or preventing them from falling apart.

The pregraduate years were pretty simple, because EVERYTHING was planned out for you - you studied for exams, finish highschool, get a scholarship (or not!), go to pre-U, study for exams (again!), go to University, study for exams (yet again!!)... and graduate. Then for medicine you work hard and get through internship year, figure out what you might want to specialize in, then apply for residency (plus pay off scholarship bond for me).

But after that... it's all BLANK, for me at least. I don't have a plan for what happens after. It might've been great if I was ambitious and knew exactly what I'd want to specialize in - but the fact is I don't really mind specializing or not. And it would've been great if there is some guy that I'd want to marry and spend the rest of my life with - but the fact is I don't think I can even bring myself to go out with one in the first place.

So... my plans for what happens after becoming a full fledged doctor and a free woman (from my scholarship bond) is completely and utterly NOTHING.

And that scares me. Big time.

Dear God, that leaves You free to bring whatever You will, doesn't it?

RECOLLECTIONS

Just sitting in bed (having woken up at 1130 this morning!) and listening to a CD a bought by a local artist here Charles J. Tan. Bought the CD on Friday at a charity concert, but I've just not got time to listen yet due to the busy weekend!

Cell group and a good devotional on 'Prayers of Recollection', a 'geeky' OCF friend's 18th birthday party, then one whole Sunday of music practice and three services... and of course the driving up and down Frankston.

It feels so good to play with a band again!!! =D

And I guess I've not properly thanked You, for the job near the city without needing to go for an interview. Sometimes the best things in life can come just like that. Perhaps if given another chance I wouldn't have done medicine, I would've done something that offers fixed working hours and thus the freedom to commit to the local church life and build on friendships. But hey, now that I'm here, I'll just make the best of it, though I don't see the bigger picture of Your plans.

In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength. Isa 30:15

Let me continue to learn the truth of this.

BRING IT BACK

I think... I'm a little bit resentful. Resentful at my job, and perhaps at You as well.

It's so obvious that it's You who has made it possible for me to come back to Melbourne. But why now? Why did I have to miss all those gatherings and trips and birthdays and sleepovers? And now when I'm allowed back, my friends are leaving for good.

I don't understand why I'm doing medicine, as each day passes I'm thinking more and more - this is not worth it! I feel cheated. I feel robbed of my time with friends.

And yet, nothing that I have was ever mine to start with.

Sigh.

Bring back 2010.

THAT SUMMER

When I first saw you, you were sitting there in the front row with that lost look on your face. And I asked you, "Are you new? Coz you look lost!" I guess there was something about that face that drew me...

That was summer of 2009.

It's funny, the things that you remember.

THE POST-WEDDING BLUES CHRONICLES - STALEMATE

When I lay these questions before God I get no answer, but a rather special sort of 'no answer'. It is not a locked door, but a gaze, certainly not uncompassionate, not in refusal, but waving the question, saying, 'Peace child, you do not understand.' ~ C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Anything that involves at least one living being gets complicated. Love, cannot be forced. In the same way, you can't force the feelings to 'go'. And so, this is stalemate.

He will not take a step towards me - and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it!

My mind understands, and yet my heart does not, it does not.

How long has it been...?


I look up, and see Your arms opened wide.

THE RETURNING

And so the exiled has been allowed to return! (That's how I interpret my job offer without an interview) Indeed no one can sway His hand when He so determines!

SO

What now?

And will You who swayed the matching process also sway a heart for me?

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

LOVE AS HARD AS NAILS

"...who for the joy set before Him endured the cross..."

Joy, knowing that millions of people would no longer need live in despair of a purposeless and meaningless existence, but are enabled to come and find the Source of life - in relationship with You.

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Although I am separated by distance, knowing that my OCF cell group is still there gives me a sense of comfort. But come December, half of the cell leaves - the half that I have laughed with, studied with, stayed up late with, and enjoyed life with.

And the whole of this year, I have only played in service ONCE! I no longer belong to a band or a music ministry...

Perhaps I was much too ambitious, thinking that I could survive without OCF and guitaring. Thus, now I feel lost, and not quite sure of what I am apart from all these.

Again, I am astounded by how this is probably the most perfect time for a guy to appear in my life (plus I'm working and of marriageable age and all!), except for this stupid-heart-that-won't-move-on.

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So...

I thank You, that in You I know I can always say, "I belong and am found".

Love's as hard as nails,
Love is nails:
Blunt, thick, hammered through
The medial nerves of One
Who, having made us, knew
The thing he had done;
Seeing (with all that is)
Our cross, and his.
~ C.S. Lewis, Poems

UH OH

I was singing (and playing) over a few songs today (cos I have the day off!), and starting to learn to enjoy my own company again, just like in the old days before I came to Melbourne.

But I guess there were just a few songs that I couldn't sing very well, or rather would sound better if there was someone else singing it... which made me feel rather lonely singing on my own.

Uh-oh!

Why is this getting worse rather than better?

Maybe I've been singing too much.

Can one sing too much in a day?

LEARN FROM THE LILIES

What's this?? I seem to be blogging everyday now!

The lilies from the wedding still sends a strong sweet fragrance by night that lingers in the room in the morning. So in their own way, they glorify God offer thanksgiving by being the best of everything He has intended them. I would say they're doing extremely well indeed! Funny how flowers can put me to shame! And I should also say that they 'look' very contented in their silent blooming. This is what it means to learn from the lilies!!

How often am the the best of what He has intended me to be, and so show also my thanksgiving of His provision?

If I am the Lord's,then the Lord is mine. If Christ owns me, I own Him. And so faith must reach out and claim it's full inheritance and begin to use its great resources. Moment by moment we take Him as our grace and strength, our faith and love, our victory and joy, our all in all. ~ A.B. Simpson

Therefore as these lilies, I will trust that You have given me everything I ever need to bloom and in the blooming glorify You. I will call You - my portion.

TIS THE SAME HEART

It is not that You do not know what I want, or how much I want them. But Your desires for me are different from my desires for myself.

You prayed:
...that we Your Church would be one in each other and in You
...that we Your Church would have the full measure of Your joy within us
...that we Your Church would be sanctified by Your truth

So I will trust that Your plans are sovereign, and ask myself, 'What am I doing to bring about what You want for Your Church?'

Perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to sing together... it only reminds me of feelings that I don't know what to do with, and the pain that comes with that.

So I wished that I could rip my heart out and throw it into the Pacific with my dramatic speech of 'Good riddance you stupid thing that causes me so much pain! Goodbye!'*Drama queen*

But it is also with the same heart that I realize my need of You - and so I shall treasure this heart of mine.

BE MY SPRING

I don't think I deserve a cry.

I am blessed with so much.... therefore it feels like a real sin to cry? Haha, if you know what I mean.

I ain't sure how these two cell groups in OCF managed to fit into this small heart of mine, but what's for sure, they've expanded my heart. And yet, the dissolution of them both and the parting of people will leave a huge hole that'd be difficult to fill.

First You expand my heart then You take the expanders away and say, "Now fill it with Me instead"? Ah God, this is difficult.

I think, perhaps, I need a guy! XD But that in itself will be rather difficult too.

This 'winter' in my heart is lasting way too long. When will it be spring again?

Be my Spring... and warm the corners of my heart where unmet wants have left it empty.

Jesus, You're my Saviour
You are heaven in my heart

ANYWHERE BUT HERE

Melbourne feels so stuffy - stuffy because every street is a memory lane, and every building is where something/someone once was.

Yet Melbourne feels so empty, because some of the people who were a big part of those memories are now so out of reach due to time or space.

It's time to make our move, I'm shakin off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here

SAYING IT AS IT IS

I miss my OCF friends. I miss running over to Baillieu to study with them in between tutes (and even skipping tutes). I think that there's no point staying in Australia if I ain't able to do that no more.

There, I said it.

I miss my student days! >.<

THAT ISLAND

Three hours drive from home and where most of my friends will be. Can't imagine myself saying this, but I am - I want to go to that island!

So see you in Singapore in 2013 (if they give me a job!).

A LIFETIME OF JUGGLING?

I think that life just gets more and more complicated the older we get.

There are responsibilities - to family, to my employers and patients (and of course not forgetting my nation no matter how I try to run from that)

And yet, we'd be no different than animals if that was merely what we did, but we also search and yearn for the place where God has prepared for us - our place in His plans, in this present world.

Then there's also the petty little things from our own selfish desires - that wanting to keep friendships, the comfortable life, that particular guy.

I wonder how they juggle it all.

God, I'm finding this rather hard.

BURDEN OR PRIVILEGE

When I was a student, the question, "What do you want to do in life?" or "Where do you see yourself in _ years" was always welcomed, and answered with a certain dreamy eyed pleasure.

Now more than halfway through working life, I'd always hate it whenever someone (or even me) asks myself the very same questions.

Why do the possibilities seem narrower eventhough I sort of 'have it all'?

And I plough through life rather joyessly and with downcast eyes? No more idealistic or seeing any point in dreaming of possibilities.

There was a time when I thought that everything was possible, if only you really wanted it and worked for it with dogged determination. Well, real life has certainly proved me wrong - we're really no more in control of our destinies than the grass that is here today and gone tomorrow.

And I've come to realize that there are two things in this world that I would give almost anything for - being with people I love and playing - both of which are sort of denied to me right now, by the burden of responsibility.

Burden of responsibility or is it really the privilege of responsibility?