THE GOD WHO CARRIES ME THROUGH

It is finally the last day of 2009.

I turn my thoughts today to a recurring theme this year – counting the cost.

If something is free, that means that there is no cost, right? Well, yes, and yet, no.

Luke 14:26 says, “ If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters – yes, even his own life – he cannot be my disciple.” (NB: ‘hate’ because in comparison to our love for Christ, our love for all others must be so insignificant that it would be as if we ‘hated’ them)

Why?

Because “No-one who puts his hand to the plough and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” Luke 9:62

No soldier signs up for war only to hesitate in the middle of the battle-field because he fears death. It is something that has to be dealt with before. Sure, he still fears… but he should have made up his mind that regardless, he will keep fighting. He would have to consider that losing his life, leaving behind a widow and fatherless children are all very real costs to be paid.

But he would have to be fully convinced that it is a war worth the cost.

We are not fighting a physical war. Yet, the costs are very real too.

Following Christ would mean being a wanderer on the face of the earth... sometimes not knowing where or when we would go – but to go wherever He leads and whenever He leads. We will not always have worldly comforts. Should we expect better if even Jesus says, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head”?

It also means putting the cause of the Kingdom of God in front of family and society’s expectations when circumstances call for it. Yes, following God may mean dissapointing lots of people.

Very close to that is also learning to release the people we love into God’s hands. Loss of time spent, and as a result - closeness and the building of relationships – these might all have to be sacrificed.

Christ asks us to count the cost. To know now that if we had to make only one choice, which it would be – to continue ploughing or turn back.

He who has ears, let him hear. Luke 14:35b

It is a war worth fighting, and most of all, we know He is a General worthy of our utmost trust and obedience.

Sigh, I don’t think I can say that I hate all these things. I’m not there yet. Don’t get me wrong, I am not aiming to love ‘all these things’ less. The problem is not that we love these things too much, but rather… we do not love Christ enough.

So let 2010 be a year of loving You more.

I bid farewell to you, 2009, with no more long winded words… but merely a smile on my face. I shall let this chapter of my life close, with many fond memories and precious lessons. =)

2009 will always be the year where You are – the God Who Carries Me Through.

WHY CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS?

As Christians, we are conscious of the existence of two kingdoms – one earthly and the one heavenly. And as fallen human beings, we struggle… to live in this world, yet to be not of this world but of the heavenly kingdom – a kingdom often unseen and unacknowledged by the masses of people. Sometimes, if we’re not careful, living in this world blocks our view of God, and in embracing this kingdom we forfeit the heavenly kingdom.

Philip Yancey echoes this same sentiment of living in two worlds.

“I, a citizen of the visible world, know well the struggle involved in clinging in belief to another, invisible world.”

But this is only one side of the story.

“…creation also introduced a gulf between God and his subjects, a gulf that can be sensed all through the Old Testament. Moses, David, Jeremiah, and other bold wrestlers with the Almighty flung this accusation to the heavens: “Lord, you don’t know what it’s like down here!’ Job was most blunt: ‘Do you have eyes of flesh? Do you see as mortals see?’ Job10:4”

“Christmas turns the tables and hints at the struggle involved when the Lord of both worlds descends to live by the rules of the one.”

(All quotes by Philip Yancey, Finding God in Unexpected Places)

Christmas is one of those times of the year that I treat a degree of ambivalence. Why should we celebrate Christmas? Jesus himself always reminds us to remember his death, but not his birth. Even Paul says “For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.” 1 Cor 2:2. The fact that Christmas has been overly commercialized to be all about Santa Claus and reindeers don’t help. Not to mention the Christmas tree which is a remnant some pagan festival. AND we don’t even know when Christmas day really is!

The only Christian ‘festival’ of any significance then would be Good Friday and Easter weekend – for it is the crucifixion and resurrection that is the basis of our faith. The symbol of Christianity is thus a cross, not a manger or a star.

So why celebrate Christmas?

Because, for the first time in history, God sent an answer to Job’s accusation.

‘Do you have eyes of flesh?’

Yes, indeed He does. ‘The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.’ John 1:14

On Christmas day (whenever that was), in the dark, in the cold, among the wrinkled hills of Bethlehem, in an unkept manger in a lowly stable… an Infant struggled to make out the faces of those who hovered above Him.

A CHRISTMAS ESCAPADE

It has been two years since I was last on an LRT train in the heart of KL. KL on the whole hasn’t changed much – at least from the view point of an LRT passenger. Whereas the eyes that now took in that very same landscape sees the world quite differently compared to two years ago. It was akin to stepping into the past. I can remember vividly the times, circumstances and the people I travelled with when I had been on LRTs in times past. I can remember too, the emotions, hopes and fears I carried with me then… and also a sombering realization that many of them are no longer relevant or true of me now.

It was just like old times… the four of us in a restaurant in Sri Petaling. No different from the times when we would drive out for a drink in between classes in IMU. Yet, we were no longer pre-clinical students who laughed about how P. Kumar’s lectures were as long as they were incomprehensible, or complained about how harsh Htin Aung can be in CSU, or spin up scandals from thin air XD. Rather, we are those who had been through tough transition times, here now to share of the lessons this past year had taught us, and how He was personally real and present with each of us, all along the way.

Whoever said reflection was only an activity done in solitude? A time of reflection is also embarked upon in recapping the year to another… although one may only realize it after. In my meet-ups with people, I found myself saying and bringing up topics that did not cross my mind in times of quiet reflection (perhaps it is also because I am having less of these lately >.<). And a better reflection is grounded upon a proper perspective of the past – which can sometimes be clearer through the eyes of another.

Eu Pui later sent me this message after our little recap of the year, “Opened to God. That’s how I’ll sum up my impression of where you are. Open to new experiences, taking risks, and where He’ll lead you. That’s the best place to be.” I certainly hope so.

And apparently when I first came to Melbourne, my resolution was to ‘be more of a people person’…and I guess I’ll have to say that I’m definitely on my way there! =D

This year has certainly been a hard one to say goodbye to. Now that I’m home in Malaysia, life is filled with many distractions as a result of living with family. I’m glad I managed to have a Christmas escapade, even if it was only for two days. I thank God for the many people who took time to listen and share of the experiences and highlights of this year… and most importantly, of the part You played in our lives.

He who was seated on the throne said, I am making everything new! Then he said, write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true. He said to me: It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son. Rev 21:5-7

We look forward to the new year as well as the remaking and redeeming of all Creation. We thank You for being the one constant in our lives, the beginning and the end. We acknowledge that it is You, and only You, who brings life and is the source of life. Help us to persevere and thus overcome… in Your Name...

Can I be perfectly honest? I'm sick of being a seat warmer in an upper middle class Malaysian english congregation. (And I've not even done that since coming back! Cos I'm going to a BM service later to see how it is... Two whole months last year was quite enough for me. -_-")

About 5 years ago when I first went to KL, the sort of church that I was looking for was "a church that sings Hillsongs and Planetshakers". However after FES happened, I began to realize that what I want was a church that had strong evangelical, Bible based teachings... and that was what made me settle down in my current church in Melbourne. Now, after Soup Van (as part of St Vincent's de Paul Society) and a little bit of Mercy Ministry (in my church, although not directly funded by the chuch)... I know that the sort of church I would seek out when I return to Malaysia for good is a church that actively reaches out to the local community.

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. Mat 5:14-16

I don't want to be a lamp under a bowl... so open doors for me.

AVATAR

It just occurred to me that all four movies I’ve watched in cinema this year are fantasy/science fiction movies. (No prizes for my favourite movie genra!) But of all the four, I’m guessing only this one makes us wish for a moment that it was all very real.

I made a resolution at about this time last year, that with every movie I watched and liked, I would sit down and try to figure out what is it I liked about the movie – so that it doesn’t become just mindless entertainment (and to convince myself that it wasn’t an absolute waste of time!)

Avatar tells the story of Jake Sully, an ex-mariner left paralysed in his legs by past wars, who chose to defy limits by participating in an outer space mission on the planet of Pandora. Through a series of ‘unfortunate events’, he finds himself in a rather new position in a program called Avatar, where one’s conciousness can be transferred into the cloned body of the alien indigenous race. As he delves more in this new race and their ways of life… slowly but surely, his view of his world as he knew it changed - never to be the same again.

I like how the movie contrasts the two worlds of Jake, the one in his lame human body where the scenes are all grey and dreary, and the one in his Avatar body… where the scenes are breath-taking and wonderful. And as the movie progresses, we find Jake saying to himself, that the real world has now become a dream world, and the world through the eyes of his Avatar body has become the real world.

I especially liked the scene where he first wakes up in his Avatar body, where he is no longer bound to a wheel chair, but stands and runs for the first time in years, and is able to feel the sand in between his toes.

Of course as the story goes, at the movie, he finds that he can never return to the world he once knew… and chooses to remain in his Avatar body, and with his new found family and world.

One thing I find different about this movie in comparison to the other fantasy stories I’ve seen – at the end of the day, it is not quite triumph by man’s strength. There is no uncertainty of the triumph of good over evil… if only Eywa (the inanimate deity of Pandora) would help. I like how Jake in his Avatar body realizes that he can never do it on his own, and beseeches Eywa for help on the night before the big battle. It would have been a lost battle, and indeed was one, before Eywa came to their (and the planet’s) rescue.

Are we crying out for a better world … where the lame find themselves made new again? Do I also hear a cry to say – “No, there is only this much we can do by our own strength”? That if we are to have any hope at all, any chance at all, something higher and greater must come to our rescue, without which we are completely lost?

I hope so… that, at least, would be a good start.


After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence.
Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.

Hosea 6:2-3

Let us know and acknowledge this – that You are our only one hope, without which we are completely lost. But ours is not a battle uncertain. No, of this Hope we are certain – because surely, You will come.

Indeed, You have already come - You have won it all… that we may be made new and live in Your Kingdom, all the days of our life.

WITHOUT WALLS

I have looked forward to be back for many weeks! (largely due to the fact that the majority of my friends have left, coupled with wanting to catch up with people and not wanting to study any more!) But now that I'm back, I find the prospect of 3 weeks of holidays quite daunting! Sure, there are lots of people I want to meet... but all of them are in other places other than Melaka!

I am generally someone who hates prolonged holidays (More than one week = prolonged).

So, I was looking at my blog posts from last year to see how I coped with the 'problem' of holidays the last time around... and, I suddenly realized that I've been writing on this blog for almost 5 years!


Pictures record specific moments in the past in a visual form. Blogging, on the other hand, records times past in terms of threads of thoughts and feelings.

In this span of almost 5 years, I can see the many and varied seasons of my life unfolding... different areas of growth, different struggles, differnt triumphs, different lessons learnt, and different/evolving styles of writing too.

It is encouraging to see how far You has brought me, and often times too, I feel as if the 'me' from a different time and season is spurring me on through words of encouragement that I've written at that point in time.

But I must say that this is only possible because I have been quite honest with my writing - sometimes quite blatantly honest (as I discovered while reading past posts).

Which is why this blog is sort of anoynymous... and only those whom I call friends would know the girl behind the posts, and know her so much better for the posts.

So this blog is also me, without the walls I sometimes unconciously build around myself.


Well, back to the 'problem' - looking at posts from last year... it seems that I have lots to reflect on, books to read, movies to watch, and also a song to write. =D But I am also quite a different person from last year - so it might be safe to expect a few other things added this time around. :)

Ok! I shall remain anoynymously (except for those who already know me)...

Your's truly, as always,
eguitarist(4christ)

XD

THAT MY HEART MAY SING

Today I said my goodbyes to two good friends who will be leaving straight after exams on Friday (they're in a different group in the exams so this is the last time I'm seeing them this year!). So fast.. the end of Paeds & Women's.

This Saturday in ISM cell, we'll be having a farewell party for another dear Pharosian who will be getting married next March and relocating to Singapore. That's one more girl less in my cell group. =( That's two losses to Singapore this year! Haha, but into God's plan for them.

There'll also be a reshuffling of cell groups in MUOCF next year... so last last Friday was actually my last time with them as a cell group - and I don't think I actually realized that. Yeah, we'll still all be in MUOCF... but it's going to be quite different for sure. That means new people to get to know too! =)

And I am well aware that at this time next year I would have been sworn in as Dr. (surname), and would have packed my room into boxes that will be shipped back to Malaysia. I'll be singing, "I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again...". Thankfully, both my parents will be around to drag me up the plane by brute force if needed. XD

I too, need to see past my feelings... to see past what is temporary to what will remain. I'm so glad it's the holidays! Well, technically soon anyway, although it already feels like it is. =D

And you know what? I find myself surprisingly content with the year ending just as it is, and with what will be in 2010 - surprisingly content with letting You paint this canvas... as how You will.

I know the end product will be nothing short of BEAUTIFUL.

I started this year thinking "this is the lowest I could get", yet..... 2009 has turned out to be the best year of my life. What more can I say?

Other than..

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever. Ps 30:11-12

It was so that my heart may sing to You and not be silent.

And my heart sings... sings to You.

I'm happy about something... but I can't pinpoint what exactly.

I seem to have a lot of these moments lately.

XD

NOBILITY vs CALLING

Deep inside every melancholic is a desire to ‘save the world’ through self-sacrifice. We all have grandeous notions of nobility. Take Moses for example… tsk tsk tsk.

It is a warning for me too : Do I want to work in East Malaysia just because it is a noble thing to do??

The hard labour, absence of appreciation, the ugliness of the real world… it will all sink in and break any notions of nobility or self-sacrifice.

Nobility ain’t gonna bring me very far!

I think that was what my Dad was trying to tell me – “You’re too idealistic, you don’t know how it is… once you go there, they’re not going to let you come back!( to West Malaysia )”.

Well, which is all probably very true.

My own grandeous ideas of nobility will be too small or me to live for. And myself too, for that matter, or even my family, or the people in my country (or my dog, if I ever have a dog )… will all too, be too small for me to live for.

Only GOD is BIG enough to live for.

I sure hope I really learn this lesson, and not have to spend 40 years in some desert learning it! XD I sure hope I’m doing this because You have called me, not because of any grandeous notions of nobility.

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SO the next time you’re thinking of doing something just because it’s a noble thing to do… BEWARE! Notions of nobility ain’t gonna get you very far!

But….

If you’re doing something because God has called you to… now, that’s quite a different story altogether. =)

THE HONOR OF JEHOVAH

Eu Pui once said that she didn’t want to do any more Bible studies with us, because she wanted to live out first what she had gained from previous studies – in a way, to catch up with what she had learnt. (Please don’t kill me if I quoted this slightly wrongly! XD)

And I find that that is very true… you can study the Bible in one year if you wanted to… but it takes an entire lifetime to even live out one small portion of it!

I am going over my study on the life of Moses again… for that very reason.

For quite some time now, I’ve been thinking… “Moses is really quite amazing!” (just ignore me, I think I’ve sort of fallen in love with Moses! XD)

But really it’s not just Moses. Even from the first two chapters of Exodus – there were the midwives who feared God rather than Pharoh and let the Hebrew male babies live, and also Moses’ mother Jochebed, who was a living example of what Jim Elliot once said – “He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” As a result, the son whom she gave up to God, to do as He will, became possibly the greastest man in all history used by God.

The Bible is littered with many more men & women, who through their actions chose God over their own lives. Hebrews 11’s hall of fame is just one very small portion of it – think Rahab, Esther, Mary & all the Prophets!

The Bible shows us that it IS POSSIBLE to choose God over mortal life.

God will enable us to do what needs to be done in this life as a result of choosing Him – but the choice to first choose Him must come from us. Many have chosen to do so in the Old Testament times, eventhough they did not have the Gospels and their knowledge of God was nothing compared to what we have today.

Yet they still trusted Him – trusted that He is who He says He is, and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith…” Heb 12:1-2a

If I were to die now, I imagine that I would just want to stand and be a doorkeeper at heaven’s gates… because I would not dare enter and face all these people who chose God over life… and I wouldn’t dare face the One who gave His life so that we may live & live abundantly.

How hard is it to choose God in this era? Some may say it’s harder, others, easier. We may not have to choose God at great peril to our lives (at least not yet), but we must not forget to choose Him even over the ‘little’ things in life – it will be the mark of someone who has chosen God over life.

We are called to be living sacrifices.

More than anything else in her life, Jochebed wanted to keep, love, and raise her son. Circumstances seemed against her. But she said to God, in effect, "Not my will but thine be done," placing her infant in God's hands. As a result, she received him back to raise as her own, which he truly was. And God even paid her wages while she did so! (BSF notes)

May we, like Jochebed, come to find that as we release what we have to God, He takes it and makes so much more out of it, than what could have been if we had just kept it to ourselves. (Indeed, Moses would have just perished like any other male Hebrew baby and not the be amazing man that God moulded him into!)


And I should get back to studying. XD Oh... I have said "all the best" to so many people who had exams before me and then said "goodbye" to so many people who have flown back. Year 5 is such a long drawn out course!

I am suddenly missing my grandma’s chicken soup! XD

Moses spent forty years learning something, forty years learning to be nothing, and a final forty years proving God to be everything. (D.L. Moody)

Now... if I live to be 75... I sure hope it goes something like this:

Eguitarist spent 25 years learning to be something, 25 years learning to be nothing, and a final 25 years proving God to be everything.

From where I am now, I would say that that seems to be quite accurate. XD

I will walk with You.

A BEAUTIFUL MONDAY MORN

I like Maria Shandi’s songs because they are often simple yet very heartfelt. The lyrics to this one may make it appear as if it has a very emo feel to it, but it is actually quite a happy song – one that you can sway to - just what I need on a cloudy Monday morning.

Kadang Tuhan ijinkan
S’gala beban persoalan
Agar kita melihat
Kasih Yesus yang nyata

Hatiku percaya
Hanya Engkau harapanku saat tiada jalan
Dan saatnya ku nantikan
Kau bekerja indah pada waktunya

(Hatiku percaya – Maria Shandi)

Sometimes God allows
The burdens of uncertainty
That we may see
The love of Christ ever so clearly

My heart believes
You’re my only hope when there seems to be no way
And I wait
You make all things beautiful in its time

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecc 3:11

This verse has two parts that are interlinked, yet the first part is often overquoted, and sometimes in disregard to the second part.

How many times do we wait and wait and wait, saying things at present are not ‘beautiful’ but God will make it so when the time comes? Rather, does the verse actually say that everything at present IS already beautiful, just that we being short-sighted mortal beings are unable to see the beauty of the present in relation to God’s master plan? That when viewed in light of eternity, everything in the now IS beautiful?

Help me to see my cloudy Monday in light of Your eternal plan.

I wait… not for You to make things ‘beautiful’ in its time (as how my human eyes see it) – but I wait… just upon You.

CHRISTMAS CAROLS & SABBATH

When I was still in IMU, this time of the year usually means one thing (Yes, EOS in IMU were freaking late too, but that’s not what I’m thinking of!) – carolling! Good memories of walking from one apartment to the next, wearing reindeer horns and santa hats and the refeshments that the lecturers or our fellow IMU-ians would have ready for us at the ends. And also how we would dread requests for ‘Twelve days of christmas’ because we’ll all go SOB! SOB! (short of breath) by the seventh day stanza. XD But so fun! I wonder why I’m getting quite homesick as each day passes…

Anyway, I remember that my favourite song from the list was ‘Christmas isn’t christmas’. Sigh, this song brings back such memories!

But that was 2 years ago! My current favourite is this one - ‘We were the reason’, which I first really heard on Maria Shandi's album... and last Friday OCF just sang it at our last meeting of the year!

As little children
We would dream of Christmas morn
Of all the gifts and toys
We knew we'd find
But we never realized
A baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

We were the reason
That He gave His life
We were the reason
That He suffered and died
To a world that was lost
He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

As the years went by
We learned more about gifts
The giving of ourselves
And what that means
On a dark and cloudy day
A man hung crying in the rain
All because of love, all because of love

I've finally found the reason for living
It's in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do every word that I say
I'll be giving my all just for Him, for Him

He is my reason to live

(We were the reason - David Meece)

My all just for You - even exams.

Eventhough I went for Planetshaker's service in the morning followed by lunch with cell, music practice then the 6pm service in my church (?last time playing with my band?? >.<), and didn't get much studying done today... I feel sort of rested.

Thank You for this Sabbath. :)

KING OF GLORY & KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR

I was writing a card to ‘you-know-who-you-are’ (yes, it will come soon! XD), when I remembered these verses.

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

Zephaniah 3:17

Yes, I believe that God wants the best for us more than even we do, but He has never promised that it would come in the package of a ‘knight in shining armor’.

Let’s believe together, that even if our knight in shining armour never comes while we are on this planet called earth, God will be more than enough for us. Indeed, He has been, is, and will always be our Knight in shining armor - our King of Glory, mighty to save, who came for us and fought for us, and triumphed over sin and death. He will take great delight in us, quiet us with His love, rejoice over us with singing.

Who is this King of glory?
The LORD strong and mighty,
the LORD mighty in battle.

Lift up your heads, O you gates;
lift them up, you ancient doors,
that the King of glory may come in.

Who is he, this King of glory?
The LORD Almighty—
he is the King of glory.
Selah

Psalms 24:8-10

Let us lift up our heads, look and see… it is He, our King of Glory, victorious from battle. He will come for us…

He is, and always will be – our Knight in shining armor.

He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God. Rev 19:13

A BREAK

Just 3 weeks more.

I never thought I would say this – but I need a break from Melbourne.

But not a holiday, I don’t need a holiday…. I just need a break from myself.

Won’t You show me something bigger than myself? In the streets of Malaysia?

I am no longer afraid, no longer hessitant. I am ready, ready for You to show me the extent of Your Kingdom.

No, I NEED You to show me… because if I do not see You or hear Your voice in the streets of Malaysia calling to me, “Come, follow me”, these nets will be so hard to leave behind.

Let this break not be a holiday, but a pre-assessment of the mission field. I am willing, send me… show me Your face in the streets of Malaysia.

Did You not lead me unto the streets of Melbourne this one year for this? Did I not always call upon You in Bahasa for this?


“What is it God is preparing you for? And when it happens will you know it?” Ps Sunny

MALAYSIA

As I look at all the notes and cards and pictures blu.tacked upon the wall in front of my desk, I’m really looking forward to flying back for the holidays.

MALAYSIA!

There would be plenty to do in a time span of one and a half months! People that I’ve not seen in almost a year, especially my year-end review with Eu Pui. Also, the preparations for returning for internship in Malaysia – the one month medical elective in Melaka General Hospital and to seriously look for a home church (although I’m not sure where in Malaysia I would be interning?). And I sort of miss my little brother (who would kill me if he reads this!).

FINALLY…….. Studying.

I finally do feel that I’ve done everything I wanted to do & been everywhere I’ve wanted to be in Melbourne this year (with the exception of just a few more things that already have been booked into my calendar) – which means I can finally focus on studying!

In the meantime…….. STAY ON THE ALTAR!

“The problem with living sacrifices is that they keep trying to crawl off the altar when the fire gets too hot.” I have no idea where that quote came from – I only know that it is very true.

As a 17 year old who was overjoyed at being offered a scholarship to study medicine in IMU & Melbourne, PLUS A-Levels, PLUS all living expenses covered… one doesn’t think very much of the complications of signing that contract.

I never imagined that this gift would also be my cross.

Ten years being bound to the government is a very long time. I never thought about how much that would tie me down and put a limit on the choices I can make. I never thought about the sacrifices that would have to be made…

I guess what makes it doubly hard as well is that the world offers me a choice - I could break my contract (which is what lots of people do) and pay just RM160,000 as stated in my contract (in comparison to what the people in the year below me have to pay – every single cent spent on them – because the Malaysian government finally wisened up!).

Everytime this issue crops up, I have to try to explain to people why I wouldn’t just stay on in Melbourne and pay off that sum (which apparently can be paid off on a loan basis too!). It befuddles people that I would choose to return to a country where doctors are treated as slaves when the way out is so easily attained.

The why...

I have chosen to follow Christ, no matter where He would choose to lead me, no matter what sacrifices have to be made and ‘curtains drawn over the theatre of my dreams’. The only reason I can stay on the altar is because my eyes see the One who is my Forerunner. I see a Man on a cross… and I know that it wasn’t the nails that held Him there – it was His love for you and me. And similarly it isn’t the contract that binds me.

There was a Gethsemane before the cross. And I too, have mine …although sometimes it just doesn’t come across how much I want to stay, because I want more to be where He is – but I do, I do want very badly to stay in Melbourne.

I will close this year with how I opened it :

I lay all my wants at the foot of Your cross…. not my will but Your’s be done, only ever Your’s…

Keep me on this altar, no matter how hot the fire gets.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Cor 12:9

Indeed it is.

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer,
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like Your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

(Everything in its time - Corrinne May)

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. Heb 11:8,10

I don't need to know exactly where this journey goes, or how long it will take to unfold.

All I need to know is that You walk with me, and that every day is one step closer to the city with foundations - and into Your everlasting arms.

MY YELLOW WOOD

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?” John 21:15

This night I am led to the final chapter of the gospel of John.

The study next year by BSF will be on the book of John. Having studied through the book of Matthew the whole of last year, yes, I definitely benefited from it….but… lets just say that I did not enjoy it as much, nor did it give me as many ‘aha!’ moments as did my study on the Life of Moses this year (as evindenced by no posts on this blog in regards to Matthew but quite a few on the Life of Moses).

Because of that, I was actually considering to discontinue BSF next year, eventhough if I had to pick a gospel to study - it would most definitely be John.

But now as I read through this last chapter, I am thinking – what a very apt ending it would be to next year, like how this year’s study is. I can almost hear Fiona lecture on the very last day, “Similarly in our lives, Jesus asks of us – do you truly love me more than these? We of course, like Peter will answer in full eagerness – Lord, you know all things, you know that I love you – to which Jesus’ reply would be ‘Follow me!’ Girls, that is what he asks of us each day, to follow him… and if we truly loved him, we would. Will you choose to follow him this day, no matter where he leads?”

And in conjunction with that, the cloud will finally lift for me.

Soon and very soon.

What would be left for me is to follow, wherever He leads.

Just a few weeks ago, while Kim and I were trying to find our way in the Botanical Gardens, we came to a fork in the road. And of course as we DID pay attention in literature class in ?Form 4, we started reciting… “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both…”! (That was as far as we got though XD) That was another one of those moments where something random that was said stayed with me.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

(Robert Frost – The Road Not Taken)

It is a rather… perplexing poem. I am glad that perhaps only the first stanza has any relevance for me… because thereafter, I see Jesus standing in one of them, saying to me, “Follow me!”

And, as I predicted what my BSF lecturer will say one year from now…

“If we truly love Him, we will.”

THE LAST CLIMB

I am finishing off the last portion of Deuteronomy in my BSF homework this night.

One particular question catches my attention – (as Moses ascended Mount Nebo to view the promised land of Canaan before his foretold death), “What do you think were Moses’ thoughts and emotions at this time?”

Hmmmm........

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Moses, ‘the man of God’, spent the first 40 years of his life as the powerful prince of Egypt; the following 40 years as an unknown and obscure shepherd whilst in exile; and the last 40 years of his life leading the Israelites out from Egypt and across the desert to the very borders of the promised land. He passed away at the age of 120 in Moab.

When foretold of his death and prohibition of entering the promised land, his immediate one concern was that someone else capable should be found to lead! He then proceeds to give a sort of sermon that lasted for 37 days, which is the book of Deuteronomy. "Do not forget God, choose God and in doing so choose life, and love God with everything you have." To the very end, Moses’ one desire was for God’s chosen people to enter their inheritance as per the promise of God.

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I can imagine him climbing the mountain, perhaps every step heavy. I can picture the hue of light as the sun rises in the horizon, inching it’s way up with every step that Moses takes. I can perhaps hear the deafening silence, only to be broken by the friction of his soles against the ground. And, I wonder if his last journey was a lonely one as well, like how his leadership in the desert was.

Before this study on the life of Moses, the thoughts that would come into mind at the mention of his name were definately that of the ten plagues and miraculous signs, especially the parting of the Red Sea. And of course, Moses holding the two tablets of stone coming down from Mount Sinai. Who doesn't think of that? ;)

That, to me, was Moses ‘the man of God’ – the great leader who led more than 600, 000 people in the exodus.

But now that I have seen beyond that, what makes him ‘the man of God’, to me, is quite different.

I see Moses as a man who has learnt that the best that he has is not quite enough, he knows that God alone is his strength.

I see Moses as a man who underwent frustration, dissapointment and sorrow, yet has learnt the meaning of surrendering to the will of a sovereign God.

I see Moses as a man of great compassion for a ‘stiff-necked’ people who rejected him and God again and again, in how he never tires of interceeding on their behalf.

I see Moses as a man who cares nothing for himself, but everything for God’s honour and grand purpose for the Israelites.

Ultimately, what makes Moses ‘the man of God’ can be summed up in Hebrews 11:24-27.

By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh's daughter. He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a short time. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king's anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible.


So what were the thoughts and emotions of 'the man of God' who had spent a great part of his life labouring to bring the Israelites into their inheritance? I can’t imagine… I’ll have to one day ask the man himself. XD

So ends my study on The Life of Moses this year....

May we too see You who is invisible… and in doing so, persevere.

.... and I realize that I am actually just happy to be at the beach.

Thank You.

:)

*another one of those moments where words cannot express*