EMBRACING OUR BIRTHRIGHT

Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished. He said to Jacob, “Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I’m famished!”
Jacob replied, “First sell me your birthright.” “Look, I am about to die,” Esau said, “What good is the birthright to me?” But Jacob said, “Swear to me first.” So he swore an oath to him, selling his birthright to Jacob. Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some lentil stew. He ate and drank, and then got up and left. So Esau despised his birthright. Gen 28:29-34

For us these days, a birthright means nothing – all children are equal. Not so in those times, only the eldest son was accorded the birthright, which entails things like a double portion of his father’s possessions, authority, and blessings for him and his descendents.

And here we have Esau, the eldest, selling his birthright to Jacob. The price? Some bread and some lentil stew. !! I thought to myself, “Esau’s the dumbest man to have ever lived! To sell his birthright… and that for one serving of bread and lentil stew!”

He greatly undervalued his birthright, rejected it, trampled upon it, discarded it without a scruffle….despised it.

Yet, how many times are we somewhat like Esau? He chose what was short-lived over what was long term – we choose what is temporary over what has eternal value.All of us too, are accorded a birthright, we are sons and daughters of the living God, and heirs together with Christ. We despise our birthright when we … complain about “restrictions” put upon us; choose to self-indulge rather than give to God and others; wallow in self pity rather than rejoice in the fullness of God’s promises; fail to put our relationship with Him above all else. When we do that, we are even more foolish than the man who sold his birthright for a serving of bread and lentil stew…

Father, I am sorry that many times I have despised my birthright rather than embrace it for what it truly is. Especially since You, Jesus, paid a heavy price so that I could share in Your birthright.

Will we choose each day to embrace our birthright rather than despise it?

A PICTURE SPEAKS A THOUSAND WORDS

I offer You my heart. It is not much, but I offer it to You...

I offer You my skills, although it is not much as well...

And I trust in You to enable me to do the work You have called me to do.

Holy Spirit, guide me this day and every day of my life here on earth.

No longer in fragments... cos You're the God who makes me whole.

FOR THE LORD

No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah [means my delight is in her], and your land Beulah [means married]; for the LORD will take delight in you, and your land will be married. Isa 62:4

For I was deserted and made desolate, but You stepped in.

MIRACULOUS WAYS

KAU BEKERJA DENGAN CARA YANG AJAIB
Jonathan Prawira

DI SAAT KU TAK MELIHAT-MU
KU TETAP PERCAYA
KAU SELALU TAHU YANG PERLU
KAU LAKUKAN BAGIKU

DI SAAT KU TERASA JAUH
KU TETAP PERCAYA
KAU SELALU TAHU SAATNYA
'TUK BERTINDAK BAGIKU

REFF:KAU BEKERJA DENGAN CARA YANG AJAIB
DAN TAK TERDUGA DI PIKIRANKU
UNTUK MENDATANGKAN KEBAIKAN BAGIKU
YANG MENGASIHI-MU

KAU BEKERJA DENGAN CARA YANG AJAIB
ATAS SEGALA PERSOALANKU
UNTUK MENDATANGKAN KEBAIKAN BAGIKU
YANG MENGASIHI-MU

Ps Sunny: Do you believe that God can heal you 100%?

Journey with me as I walk through a process of healing of memories, with a God who makes all things new and works in miraculous ways.

I want to believe Lord, help my unbelief...

ARISE

My lover spoke and said to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig-tree forms its early fruit, the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me."

Songs 2:10-13

When winter comes, it is imperative that we rest in the bosom of Christ. But winter does not last forever, and He makes spring come again. How many of us refuse to look out the window and see that winter is over? That gloomy times have passed, and we should no longer hide and insist to stay in our own imposed winter. See! He has made all things new again, He has made us whole and He calls us to arise and come, out of our depression, out of our dejection, out of our selfishness... to go away with Him, beyond the doors He has opened.

But it is hard, and even when He calls, we are not able to rise on our own. It is then that we should say together with Spurgeon, "O raise me, draw me. Thy grace can do it. Send forth thy Holy Spirit to kindle sacred flames of love in my heart, and I will continue to rise until I leave life and time behind me, and indeed come away."

Yes, until I leave life and time behind me, and indeed come away....

I will arise.

THIS HEART

I remember a story I once read... of a young man who boasted of the most beautiful heart - it was perfect and flawless. Then an old man appeared who claimed that the young man's heart was no where as beautiful as his. The old man's heart was a heart full of scars, gaping wounds and tears. The young man laughed, and asked the old man how could he ever think that his heart was more beautiful, the way that it is. "Yes," said the old man, "Your's looks perfect but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my heart - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges -- giving love is taking a chance."

What does your heart look like? If my heart was obvious for all to see, then you would notice many tiny scars, tiny, but visible. But what you would first notice is the large gaping wound, that stretches all the way from one end across to the other. And in it, are different tiny bits from many different hearts to fit in that gaping wound.

The gaping wound bears testament to the fact that I once dared to be vulnerable and gave much of my heart away, and received this gaping wound as a result. And the many tiny little bits in that gaping wound bears testament to the many people who saw the wound and in response shared with me a little bit of their own hearts.

No, I will not hide under a mantle of anger, but I will bear my wound proudly for all to see. I will not hide the fact that the wound still gives me pain from time to time. And when I look at the scar, I remember too, the people from whom the little bits of heart came from, and the love they gave. And I remember the One who keeps my heart beating. I know that at the end of this life, He will restore my heart, that it will be as new.

Until then... I will not be afraid of pain and I will not hide; I will come daily to the foot of Your cross, where You bore my pain along with my sins. I will boast in the fact that it is You who keeps my heart beating...

I offer this heart O God, completely to You.

EVERY MOMENT

I prayed for my faith to be stretched, only at the beginning of this year.

Everytime when I think that this is it, that this is You already stretching my faith, I was wrong. There is always more to come. Up to the point that now I fear, I fear saying, "This is it!" because there's probably still more to come.

I enjoyed every part of it. I enjoyed worrying about Your little ones; spending time with people I hardly know, to get to know them; I enjoyed bringing You to people sitting obliviously in front ot the State Library; pouring out soup on a cold night for people on the streets and just chit-chatting with them; and even playing in two bands; and just even being a 'submarine' when I was so broken hearted.

Every moment, I have enjoyed being with You.

And oh, the friends I never knew I had, the past I never knew existed in their lives, the sharing I never thought would be possible... that I wish it would never end; and indeed, one day at the end of our lives, it would never end.

I have enjoyed coming to You, knowing full well, what a wretched woman I am.... but knowing that You are the God who makes me whole.

And yet do You still have more in store for me? Do You really want me to build another Fellowship of the Mat, right here in Melbourne?

WE HAVE A MASTER TO SERVE

I received this letter from the RBC Director to pray for Japan along with my Daily Bread subscription. What struck me most about the letter was how it was signed off - We have a Master to serve. Indeed we do...and many times we forget. I shall now always sign off as he did, to remind myself and others, that we do have a Master to serve, and it will do us well not to forget.

Forgive me.... I am my brother's keeper...

I CANNOT

"...that all of them may be one.." John 17:21

Before His crucifixion, Christ prayed for unity, that we may all be one - that we would love one another, to sacrifice for one another, to put each before ourselves. Do we know His heart? Can we live contrary to His heart?

...his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot. Jer 20:9

I cannot but take up my cross; indeed, I cannot ...

I cannot ...

*Sigh*

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Ps 51:17

We are like broken vessels before You Lord, broken by wear and use, broken by the harshness of the winds of this life. O God, we break not alone but together, concious that at this very moment we are among the many who also break. You have made it so, that in our brokeness we may find comfort in each other, that when the process of breaking has taken it's course, we may be beautiful vessels, broken, but beautiful....for Your glory.

Our prayers O God, you will not despise, we know we break not outside and alone in the cold, but together, under the shelter of Your wings.

MY GOD

Pain wakes me up, yet in that split second, something else fills the void, and I realize - it is Your love - and You are here. When the loss seems unbearable, Your love bears me up, and I know it is You who carries me.

You said, "Man shall not live by bread alone.." and indeed, in my darkest moments I feel no need of bread, only for Your words. And only now when I have feasted on what I most needed, do I feel natural hunger slowly coming back to me.

It used to be, that the tears that mingled with my drink came from sorrow, but now slowly, it comes not from sorrow, but because of the love and encouragement shown to me by all those near and far. And I realize, they are not so far off after all, and I thank You for them.

There is more pain in this world than I dreamed possible, yet it is also true that Your love is poured out more than I ever dreamed possible.

And although this world has many troubles, you have said, "Take heart, I have overcome the world."

And I know that I too, shall overcome the world with You.

I am the daughter of my Father.

ETERNITY IN OUR HEARTS

This is actually part of an email to encourage my friend. But it ended up encouraging me as well.

Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, You are the potter; we are all the work of Your hand. Is 64:8

As clay we have no choice but to yield to the Potter's hand, to be molded as He sees fit, no matter how long or painful the process.

However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived, what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Cor 2:9

He is a Potter who knows best and intends to produce nothing but the best in His workmanship. We can rest assured in that.

What would it be like to spend eternity with our Creator? Honestly, I can't even start to imagine. It would be a million times more exhilarating than the beginning stages of an earthly romantic relationship, but unlike an earthly relationship, it is EVERLASTING and PERFECT. It is the answer to our deepest longings.

Surely, He has put eternity in our hearts.

May we spend our thoughts on grasping what cannot be fully grasped while on this earth.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Jer17:9

I have learnt the truth of this verse. It encompasses all men, great and small, wise and foolish, saved or unsaved, spiritually matured or immature. No one escapes it's grip. I shall never assume again that any man (or woman) is excluded. Indeed we all try to deny it, but the honest man should realize that it is so and not presume that he is incapable of falleness.

It's funny how some people find the time to play games but not to write an email. Perhaps these people don't deserve emails. And rightly so.

LEST WE FORGET

20 "Look, O LORD, and consider: Whom have you ever treated like this? Should women eat their offspring, the children they have cared for? Should priest and prophet be killed in the sanctuary of the Lord?
21 "Young and old lie together in the dust of the streets; my young men and maidens have fallen by the sword. You have slain them in the day of your anger; you have slaughtered them without pity.
22 "As you summon to a feast day, so you summoned against me terrors on every side. In the day of the LORD's anger no one escaped or survived; those I cared for and reared, my enemy has destroyed."

Lamentations 2:20-22

The book of Lamentations was written during the fall of Jerusalem to her enemies, when God poured out His wrath and exiled the Israelites because of their sin, when He hid His faced from them and heared not their cries and prayers, and the nation was utterly destroyed.

We frequently meditate on the love of God, which is all good and appropriate…but we should not neglect meditating upon the wrath of God. Oh how terrible the wrath of God can be! Meditate and know what we escape because of what Christ has done for us upon the cross. For the fear and love of God go hand in hand, it is hard to fully appreciate the one without the other, and both magnify the extent of the other.

The Israelites’ only hope was to wait for salvation, for the damage done was irrepairable...

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
Lamentations 3:22-26

...but we need not wait – for salvation is here.

A WONDERFUL DATE

A man and a woman are together on a date in an art gallery. The woman naturally does not appreciate art, but the man points out to her the beauty behind each masterpiece...and for the first time in her life, she begins to see...

Thank You for showing me Your heart for people on our date earlier. I had a wonderful time. :)

YOUR ALL, HIS ALL

I was reading a passage of the Bible – Genesis Chap 22 – the part about Abraham sacrificing Isaac (or rather where he almost sacrificed Isaac).

Then God said, “ Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about.” Gen 22:2

This is Isaac, the promised son Abraham has waited for over 20 years to be born, his only son with Sarah, the son God has said through which will come the many descendents of Abraham who will inherit the promised land of Canaan. And God asks this very son of Abraham to be sacrificed.

!!!!!!!!

Yet somewhere else in the Bible, another Father too gave up His Son. This time, not almost, but really did.

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16


Abraham so loved God that he was willing to give Isaac up.


God so loved us, that He was willing to give Jesus for our redemption.

We lots of times withold ourselves or the things we love from God, eventhough everything that we have comes from Him, even our very lives. Yet God gave His all and witheld nothing.

May this inspire you to give your all – that God gave you His all and His best.

LIFE MANIFESTO

Recently a friend shared with me his life manifesto.

Spending enough time with God, so that he can spend time in ministry, so that he can play games, so that he can study.

Guys. Personally I don't think highly of people who include playing games in their life manifesto (and I guess that would mean the majority of guys!). Similarly, watching TV/playing football/practising an instrument/etc would sound equally bad when included in a life manifesto. But really, Christ died for all these people as well, so I should treat them in this light instead of in the light of my prejudices.

So what is my life manifesto?

Spending enough time with God, so that I can spend time in ministry/be there for people (if in doing one I neglect the other then it defeats the point, and quite often they overlap as well), so that I can study/work, so that I can give a dog a home/I can come home to a dog on earth.

I guess that bit about a dog probably shouldn't be there in a life manifesto as well, but....well, long story.

What is your life manifesto? Does it even start with God? After all, that's what matters most. The other little bits that should or shouldn't be there doesn't matter at all if it does not all start with Him.

NO MAS

I was hungry,

and you formed a humanities group to discuss my hunger.

I was imprisoned,

and you crept off quietly to your chapel and prayed for my release.

I was naked,

and in your mind you debated the morality of my appearance.

I was sick,

and you knelt and thanked God for your health.

I was homeless,

and you preached to me of the spiritual shelter of the love of God.

I was lonely,

and you left me alone to pray for me.

You seem so holy, so close to God

but I am still very hungry – and lonely – and cold.

Will we say, "No more"?

SAMPAI

This is a song by Giving My Best(GMB), an Indonesian Band. I know my birthday's really far away, but would really appreciate GMB albums when the time comes.

This song talks about how nothing compares to the love of the Father, and how we will always have His everlasting love as we continue to worship, until the earth passes away, until day and night become one, until His name is lifted up in every heart and race of men.

Semua harta di dalam dunia

Semua tahta yang dapat tergapai

Takkan bisa menggantikan kasih Bapa

Semua karya yang t’lah terlukiskan

Semua nada yang telah terdengar

Takkan bisa menyaingi cintaMu

Sampai habis bumi berlalu

Sampai siang malam menyatu

Akan kupuja dan kusembah

Engkau Ya Bapaku

Sampai namaMu ditinggikan

Di setiap hati dan bangsa

Kasih sayangMu dan setiaMu

Kan menyertaiku

"..YOU WILL BE CALLED SOUGHT AFTER.."

Beverly Hills Chihuahua. The first impression I got was 'another dumb show'. It had all the ingredients of one - dogs in the most outrageous costumes, a spiritual guru chihuahua with a cult following, an iguana with a concience, and not to mention a super bark from the heroine that shook a cave (rolls eyes)!

But really, it had all the ingredients needed to make a good movie too. It tells the story of Chloe, an upper class, spoilt Beverly Hills chihuahua, who gets dognapped in the middle of Mexico city. She meets pretty interesting characters in the search to be found (as mentioned). Meanwhile, her human guardian, along with a love interest and a star-strucked chihuahua combs every inch of Mexico city for her.

It just reminds me of how all of us are or were at one point lost and alone and desperately want to be found. And that there is One who seeks us out relentlessly, One who will not rest until we are at last found and brought home. He seeks us out...like a shepherd seeks out a lost sheep, like a father seeks out his wandering daughter, like a lover seeks out his beloved. There is no mountain too high, nor valley too deep, nor oceans too vast. There is no price too high. He already paid the highest price, for you and I.

So if you're like me and sometimes feel that you're not sought out by anyone in particular...remember that there is One who does and continues to do so everyday. And remember to seek Him out too.

"...and you will be called Sought After, the City No Longer Deserted." Isa 62:12

PEARL NECKLACES

I remember once reading a story about a little girl and her pearl necklace. It was a necklace that she always wore close to her heart, one that she treasured greatly. However, on the night of her 12th birthday, her Dad had something difficult to ask of her - to give him her very treasured pearl necklace, the very ones that she wore close to her heart! Of course she was very reluctant, and of course she would not let go, but eventually after a long struggle with herself, gave it up to her Dad in full trust. And there, behold, when she had given it to him, he opened up his other hand to reveal another yet another necklace, quite the same as the old one, but unlike the old one, was not made with fake pearls, but real pearls, pearls that glistened and shined.

It reminds me of how sometimes we cling on to what we think is best for us, when really, our Father in heaven knows best. Will we not give up our own ideas and wants and let Him bless us as He sees fit?

Yes, I give it up to you, my pearl necklace, the one that I treasure. I will choose to let You bless me in Your own way (which may not be exactly how I want it to be), because I know that ultimately, You alone know best.

MORE & MORE

I was reading 1 Thessalonians 4 and 5 this morning. The church of Thessalonia is probably the church most praised by Paul among the early churches. The phrase appears three times, "..as in fact you are already... living/loving/doing". Wow. Wouldn't we want to be like the church of Thessalonia! But yet, even so, Paul keeps on urging them in these things more and more.

To more and more...

live in order to please God,

love each other,

and encourage each other.

So really, eventhough we might feel that we are the worst of our brothers and sisters (or for some, the best), at whichever stage we are, we must remember to do so - more and more.

For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Thess 5:9

Since He has chosen us specifically for a life eternally with Him, let us not dissapoint Him. And let us continue to fix our eyes on Him who is doing His heart-changing and sanctifying work in us.

The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it. 1 Thess 5:24

PRIORITIES

It occured to me again today how I want to be there when things happen to people, good or bad. Eventhough being a friend is not exactly something that is second nature to me, still, I want to be there, if that is all I can do. Funny how priorities change as one progresses through life. It reminds me that God's hand is at work in my life, whether I notice it or not in the short term.

He who began a good work in us will carry it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Phil 1:6

SENTUH HATIKU

In the times when I need an uplifting, Indonesian songs always manage to do what English songs cannot. This is a song by Maria Shandi.

BETAPA KUMENCINTAI

SEGALA YANG T’LAH TERJADI

TAK PERNAH SENDIRI JALANI HIDUP INI
SELALU MENYERTAI

BETAPA KUMENYADARI
DI DALAM HIDUPKU INI
KAU SLALU MEMBERI RANCANGAN TERBAIK

OLEH KARENA KASIH

REFF :
BAPA, SENTUH HATIKU, UBAH HIDUPKU
MENJADI YANG BAHARU

BAGAI EMAS YANG MURNI
KAU MEMBENTUK BEJANA HATIKU

BAPA, AJARKU MENGERTI SEBUAH KASIH

YANG SELALU MEMBERI

BAGAI AIR MENGALIR

YANG TIADA PERNAH BERHENTI

THE MIRACLE

Sometimes God doesn't come through for us exactly how we would like Him to. When we want Him to work a miracle in the midst of our despair, sometimes all that is offered is what was said to Paul.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor12:9-10

The greater the need, the greater the grace poured out; the one who is in greater need is in a better position to receive.

I am one who stands today as one who is in a better position to receive, and glad of it. Glad that I am weak, because then, I am also strong. Glad also, that through this, I learn the beauty and practice of utter dependence.

And as I stand, I am reminded of The Miracle - that a Man on a cross made this possible.

MY PORTION & VERY GREAT REWARD

The LORD said to Aaron, "You will have no inhritance in their land, nor will you have any share among them; I am your share and your inheritance among the Israelites." Num18:20

Perhaps at first glance to someone who is not familiar with the history of the Israelites or the Bible, he/she would ask, "Why? What did Aaron do wrong that he was not to have a portion of the promised land?" But it was not that Aaron did wrong, quite the contrary, Aaron and his family, the Levites, stood by God when the Israelites sinned by worshipping the golden calf (although the golden calf was Aaron's making as well). And so for this, they received something much better than land that will perish and pass away...their inheritance was to be God himself - He who remains the same and whose years will never end.

...the word of the LORD came to Abra(ha)m.., "Do not be afraid Abra(ha)m, I am your shield, your very great reward" Gen15:1

He is God my shield and my very great reward.

I cry to You O LORD, I say, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living." Ps142:5

He is God my refuge and portion in the land of the living.

...but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Ps73:26

He is God the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Heb13:5

And God who is my share and inheritance,

my shield and very great reward,

my refuge and portion in the land of the living,

the strength of my heart and my portion forever;

has said to me, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

Can I not be content whatever comes my way?

SECRET PLACES

It's funny how you find treasures when you linger. I went for another jog in the Fitzroy gardens today (when there were not many dogs around to distract me) and discovered quite a few beautiful "secret places". Paths that don't seem to lead anywhere revealed unexpected surprises when one takes time to explore them. One of them in particular, led to a wooden bridge over a man-made stream and two ponds, one with a greco-roman statue in the middle, and benches around the ponds to sit, totally shielded from outside view. The discovery of this place got me exploring the garden a bit more (and abandoning jogging). And I found many other beautiful places like the People's Path which is a monument surrounded by 10,000 bricks that were individually decorated by people from all walks of life. Wow.

It's funny how you find treasures when you linger, and this is true with many things in life.

True with gardens.

True with people.

True with God.

You are matchless, O Lord.

So our praise of You must rise above our humanity.

St Augustine, The Confessions

WISTFULNESS

Was jogging in Fitzroy Gardens and saw many dogs with their owners. Happy, tongue-out, jumpy, free-running dogs. I know that this will not be the kind of life I can live if I go back to Malaysia.

MY ROOM

Moving into a new place is tiresome. I have shifted three times in the past year! After all that shifting, I’m glad that I now have my very own room for the next two years. No more partially living out of the suitcase (metaphorically)! Besides the tiresome-ness of shifting, it is otherwise fun to have a new room – to painstakingly choose out a desk and chair at IKEA, then arranging all the furnitures, filling up my wardrobe neatly, pasting pictures, notes and cards from friends up on the wall just in front of my desk, and placing gifts and souveniers just in that right spot – everything to make my room homy, comfortable and beautiful. Only that I’ve forgotten one thing. Eventhough two years is a long time, it is nothing compared to eternity! I’m not staying here for good! One day I will have to pack up again, and stuff that I can’t carry back to Malaysia will be left behind.

Does that mean that I should not have done everything that I did? And camp in my room? (cos I’m a pilgrim mah...) Heavens, no! But rather to be reminded to decorate my forever home even more painstakingly (ie. to store up treasures in heaven), because when I finally move in….it will be for eternity. It will be good to be home at last, no more shiftings and packing and unpacking. Sigh.

So meanwhile, as I bask in the homy-ness, comfort and beauty of my new room, I remember –this world’s not home, I’m just passing through.

TWO WOLVES

One evening, a native grandfather was teaching his young grandson about the internal battle that each person faces. He said, "Son, there are two wolves struggling inside each of us. One wolf is vengeance, anger, resentment, self pity etc." And the young boy waited to hear what the other wolf was. The grandfather continued,"The other wolf is compassion, faithfulness, hope, truth and love etc". The young boy sat stunned thinking. Then he asked,"Which wolf wins, grandfather?" The old man replied," The one you feed."

Rev Dr. Sharon Watkins at National Prayer Service, USA


"You have to choose, there is no other choice...other than to choose." Ps Sunny Phillip


Making concious choices to feed the right wolf, everyday.

RELATIVE VALUES

My cell group leader's getting married next month.

So, for the first time in my 23 plus years of life, I bought..........eyeshadow.

Yup, that's right. I miraculously escaped all of my cousin's and aunt's (3 cousins & one aunt) wedding, and so far none of my friends are married yet. Also, I avoid balls like the plague (I'm not the sort who would spend RM80 or more for one night of fun, or rather, I was not the sort). But heck, my CGL's getting married!

Anyway, for the first time in my life, I discovered how expensive makeup is. I could have bought a book (definately more valuable than makeup!)! But oh well, a meal in Melbourne would have cost the same (ok la), so would a cinema ticket (sooo not worth it!). So yeah, eyeshadow is probably worth it, if just for the experience of owning my own eyeshadow, and putting on eyeshadow myself on my on lid.

Makeup is overrated.

Relative values : a book > eyeshadow=a meal > a cinema ticket

*but all cost the same money wise*

A MEDICAL ELECTIVE

I did an unofficial elective during this holiday period and somehow mistakenly understood that I needed to submit a report when actually what was meant was a report on me by my supervisor. Haha. The staff could have phrased their letter better! Since I already wrote everything (very nicely) out, I figured it should not go to waste and at least adorn my blog, eventho most people would have fallen asleep barely halfway through :D

"During the summer break of Dec 2008 – Jan 2009, I had the privilege to undertake a medical elective in my hometown of Melaka, Malaysia. Just being freshly introduced to the clinical side of medicine since six months ago, and also a little apprehensive of the day when I would return to work in Malaysia as an intern, I decided that it was best I had some exposure to medicine in one of the government hospitals here in Malaysia. Hence this unofficial elective.

I was posted to the male medical ward, which consists of 32 beds mostly laid out in cubicles with eight of these being devoted especially to nephrology (kidney) patients, and about a quarter of the remainder to the VIPs or ‘Very Infectious Patients’ – patients who had contracted blood borne viruses or TB (tuberculosis). One medical officer and two interns manned the ward (that’s one doctor per 32 patients!!). I was impressed by the medical officer’s dedication and how he opted to remain in government service with the heavy workload and relatively lower pay (very very rare!), when many have chosen to migrate to greener pastures either in the private sector or overseas (so very common), thus resulting in the ever-present shortage of doctors in public hospitals (whose fault izzit?). The two interns too in the same way were very helpful and always managed a smile even with the seven working days a week and 36 hour on-call shifts (I surely hope I’d be at least this good). Things certainly don’t look as bad as what is said about government service (or is it?).

My days were spent following the medical officer or intern as they made their rounds in the morning, clerking and examining patients and trying my hand at blood taking. Clinical signs were aplenty, many of which I’ve only read about in books but did not see in real life till now, everything from finger clubbing (don’t laugh all u non-medic people, it means club-shaped fingers, NOT fingers clubbing!) to massive splenomegaly (enlargement of spleen) across the midline. The commonest causes of admission were congestive cardiac failure (simply heart failure, but doctors like to make everything sound complicated) and chronic renal failure (again, simply kidney failure) associated with diabetes. Within the first week, questions like, “How far can you walk or how many flights of stairs can you climb? How many pillows do you sleep with at night? Do you wake up suddenly in the night gasping for breath?” were posed to many patients that I saw (to look for symptoms of heart failure). Of course, none of it in English, but rather in Malay when conversing with Malays or Indians, and Mandarin with Chinese patients. For someone who learnt it all in English for the past five years, there was much to learn even in simply conversing with patients *sob sob*.

Here in Malaysia, the greatest problem has always been, and will be still – patient or family education. Take for example, when one’s elderly father develops a hemiparesis (paralysed on one side of the body), it is common sense that one sends him to the hospital immediately instead of keeping him lying in bed at home for two weeks (so obviously stroke). Again, when one’s elderly father stops eating because of SOB (shortness of breath due to a variety of lung problems) for two weeks, one sends him into the hospital instead of watching him waste away at home (he was literally skin and bones when they brought him in!!). Blame it on lack of education? Or is it just the lack of care? Sigh.

On a lighter and more positive note, I have observed patient education conducted regularly in regards to the use of an inhaler, insulin injection, the diabetic diet, care of the HIV+ patient and the immobilized patient. Unfortunately, I have also noticed that patients and their family simply find these things difficult to grasp, and a lot of repetition and patience is required on the part of the doctors.

As I have mentioned earlier, quite a few HIV+ patients come into the wards, either with TB, PCP (Pneumocystic pneumonia) or Toxoplasmosis (a worm that grows in the brain- most of us have it, but our intact immune system renders it harmless). In addition to the management of HIV+ patients in the ward, I also had the privilege of sitting in on the HIV clinic in the afternoons. Before this, I personally found the statistics on the great number of HIV+ patients in Malaysia hard to believe because, well, I simply have never met someone who is HIV+. But being here in this ward and clinic has definitely opened my eyes. The numbers are real – the records on the shelves of the clinic are a testament to that fact. And simply observing HIV counseling being done day after day, too, made that fact sink in deeper.

Throughout my elective period, I found myself asking how life is valued. Is it valued based on one’s contributions to society or what one has done? Or does life have intrinsic value regardless? It is heartening that both the doctors here and the government seem to think that it is the latter, as HAART treatment (that controls but does not cure HIV) is completely subsidized by the government for life, unless the treatment fails due to the patient’s non-compliance. Even so, the budget for HAART last year has been exhausted well before time, and it will be the same this year as HIV+ patients keep pouring in. Perhaps the recent move by the government to screen Muslim couples before marriage is a good move, although in theory, it is an infringement of human rights (which is the lesser of two evils?).

Coming to the end of my elective, I have found that some of the horrors of Malaysian public system as is widely circulated, is true. For example, how sudden paraplegia that warrants an urgent MRI of the spine can be delayed for a week because it is not pushed for by a consultant. It is also quite interesting that the sole CT scan machine breaks down quite frequently. Hmmm (how to tell what type of stroke and treat?! Or access brain involvement in trauma?!). And lab results are always slow in coming and frequently sent to the wrong ward. But, in retrospect, there is also much to be proud of – the few select doctors who choose to remain in public service, trying in their own way to make a difference in this faulty system, giving their best despite a heavy workload and relatively low pay (I don’t want to work straight for 36 hours!:( ). I can only hope that I will not fall short of the standard that they have set when I come back to take my place in Malaysian society (Amen)."

ON MOURNING

We all go through a period of mourning at some part of our lives. Life comes with gains and losses, and when we lose something that meant a lot to us, we mourn. As the writer of Ecclesiastes says, there is a "time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance". We sometimes try to rush through the natural response of mourning, or worse still, reject it. We should all really learn to let mourning take its natural course. That way, most of us would end up with better healed wounds and less hideous scars. And also to learn to see that as with all seasons in life, a season of mourning brings its own specific gifts and lessons as well.

Other than the acknowledgment of the fact that one is in mourning, the act of mourning involves two other things as well - taking extra time off to be alone with God and also talking it over with friends when the need arises. All very natural right?

I have realized to a greater extent that all I need is God, when all I have is God; and of my utter dependency on Him; more so within mourning than outside of it. Also a new found greater appreciation of the Word, especially the prophets, and especially the book of Hosea, which talks about the exceeding tenderness of God, who in wrath remembers mercy, even to a people who continually breaks His heart and Covenant. Oh, and I was able to write a song too, something which I have never been able to do. Needless to say, some things are lost on us in the good times.
So too, there is a change in my relationships with people. It somehow becomes easier to forge closer bonds of friendship, perhaps because the state of mourning brings us into a more receiving and sharing mode, and causes us to more fully appreciate the extent of other people's pain. But to me, the most precious gift that I have received in this period is the slow molding of my heart into the heart of a woman - a heart that knows and appreciates the value of relationship, and is not afraid to build such relationships.

So we do not despise mourning, neither do we see it as a discouraging or negative experience, but one that is encouraging and positive, bringing us lessons and gifts to prepare us for both the weeping times and laughing times of our life. And all this is possible, only because we know that one day we will no longer mourn, but will be comforted; and that in the eternal scheme of things, there are no true losses, only gains.

THE CONTRADICTION THAT MAKES SENSE

My stray dog died on me when I was 11. I came back from my stay at grandma's to find that no dog came when I called. What I learnt? Strays are shot down. They die on you. Don't invest your heart in them. So I moved on, only to find that human friends are not that different. They don't stay for good either.

I got my first taste of it in college. Everyone always finds a clique in the first few days in school, everyone except me. I take awhile to warm up to people, more than awhile to forge bonds. Actually, about a year or more. By then, newly found kindred spirits would be separated. That's college life.

And likewise, I found university life no different, especially one that offers a twinning program. The same feeling of being alone again, and then, just when I begin to get close to people...puff! They disappear out of my life. Happened to me twice in fact. Once with seniors and once with my batch mates, plus the feelings of aloneness in between the two, mind you. Simply because I didn't see a need to strive to get close to my batch mates while I had my seniors who were easier to get close to.

Honestly it's really frustrating. So frustrating that I got quite desperate to marry the one guy I'm closest to. So that he wouldn't disappear out of my life, like everyone else (well, at least not until God decides to call him home). And now I am coming to grips with the fact that that guy too, will disappear out of my life, about one or two years from now, if not now. I won't try to deny that it's all very heartbreaking.

Which is why I try to keep in perspective that the world in its present form is passing away. It teaches me to hang on harder to God and looser to everything else. And, also on the other hand, to value everything more. Which is why I resolve to treat even people I'm not comfortable with right now as if they were already my kindred spirits(cos I never know if they might be); also to make the most of the relationships I have now, all the more so when I know that most will pass out of my life in the near future. I don't want to always look back, wishing that I'd spent more time with or valued this or that person more.

So it seems to me: to cling looser yet value more. Might sound like a contradiction to you, but makes a whole world of sense to me.

THIS IS LIFE

Am finding it quite funny, that I spent so much of my time studying, only to gain a certificate that will go into my folder and up the shelves, never to be touched or seen again till if ever, it becomes useful. On the other hand, I spent so little time(less than I should) with people whose pictures and handwritten messages adorn the very walls of my room. It's hilarious! In a pathetic way...this is life. *sigh*

BUT LIKE A DREAM

Sometimes I don't know what to make of my memories. Take away the pictures or the memorablias or the people who remind me that they were real and did happen, I would be fully convinced that they were but a dream, distant and foreign.

I wonder, at the end of our days on earth, wouldn't everything be as if it were a dream? Only, a dream that echos into and determines our place in reality/eternity. So one should take heed of how one lives. And I guess the other important thing is having dreams that are worth remembering.

For what it's worth, my memories are worth remembering, tho they be but like a dream to me even now.

GIFTS & GLORY

I have often asked God why I usually do well in exams. I mean sure, I study hard, but so do others. And the funniest part is that I think that I’m sort of ‘spiritual’ when I think like that.

“…nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving,” 1Tim 4:4

Who am I to reject God’s gift? To say to Him, “Oh no, thanks but I don’t need this. I only want You and what is eternal.” Seriously, to think that I am above the gifts that He chooses bless me with! And to think that in doing so I am sort of…humble, when actually it is rather prideful.

So it seems that I need to try harder to receive blessings with thanksgiving in my heart instead of thinking that I am above them.

Me : Doing well in exams is not a need (tho I’d probably be sad if I didn’t), but I give thanks to You, that somehow whether deserved or not, You just saw it fit to see to it that I always do well. So yeah, thanks. :)

And then perhaps God replies
God : Who said it was totally for you? It is for my glory as well!

Which is actually very true!

So to add to my pridefulness in not fully accepting God’s gifts with a thankful heart, I sometimes think too much of myself as well.

Yup, so shame on me! Haa... :D

A PRACTICE IN NOTICING

Someone told me that although we are not of this world and that the world in this present form is passing away, we are not to shun what is temporal, but to practice to notice what the temporal teaches us about the eternal.

Not to boast, but well, actually, that’s what I’ve always been doing! Perhaps not hard or frequent enough, but definitely no one can contest that I have always been a person in search of parallels.

Jesus was always one to portray the eternal through the ordinary and temporal. Think parables. Likewise too, the prophets – think metaphors. Paul...well Paul, does it to an extent, but not very much. Frankly, I think he has an underdeveloped right brain. Or rather perhaps because his readers, the Greeks, were not people that would appreciate such things.

So...today I was watching a Walt Disney animation, Dinosaur. Obviously, a story about dinosaurs. What can a story about dinosaurs teach us about the eternal? Seems quite farfetched, no relation whatsoever. Yet, it was a story that had many truths. A herd of dinosaurs were travelling through the desert to their nesting grounds. The conditions are harsh, water sparse, and worse still, they had to avoid predators – the flesh eating T-rexes. Woe to the dinosaur that doesn’t keep apace with the herd! A dinosaur separated from the herd is a dead dinosaur. But yet, because they stuck together and stuck-up for each other, they made it at last to the nesting grounds, T-rexes or not. It reminds me of our journey here as pilgrims, looking forward to our heavenly home. The journey is hard, and the forces of evil are real, but yet if we uphold each other and keep going together, we’ll make it. Especially since unlike in the story, we have a Leader who is perfect, has gone before us and is the Rock that gives us water.

Also today, I was knitting my scarf. Somehow, I come to appreciate how God feels when He made us, fearfully and wonderfully. How every stitch is important, and how proud one is of one’s creation when it is completed. Also how precious we His creation are to Him, and lastly, that we were made for a purpose...in a way too, to warm not necks, but hearts, especially that of the Maker.

So yeah, if one looks hard enough, one can usually find the eternal in the temporal.

Someone can please tell me what can we learn from arrhythmias about eternity? The only thing I’ve learnt so far is that like arrhythmias, we can never fully comprehend eternity. It is much too....complicated. But still we must prepare for them! :D

MARLEY & ME

Hmmm, I think...this is the first contemporary book that I like as much as my classic literature! (I usually only read classical literature cos unlike their contemporary counterparts, they are actually worth reading, non-abridged that is) It's a superbly written real life story about - as it says on the cover - life and love with the world's worst dog. But of course, even the world's worst dog has more to give than meets the eye.

As men wondered what was on God's mind when He made Eve, so I wonder what was on God's mind when He fashioned a dog. An animal like all others to rule over, yet, walks beside man as Eve does - indeed, lauded as men's best friend - and like Eve too, quite irreplaceable. What would the world be like without dogs?

So I thank You for dogs, although it would be quite some time before I can experience the joys of having one...but all in good time, Your time.

MISSING MELBOURNE

Well, to be more exact it is church that I miss, as it was church that opened my eyes to the beauty of that city. Without church, Melbourne would be just another city among the many cities that I've lived in, and there would not be anything to miss. It's funny, I've only been in Cross Culture for less than a year, and yet it seems as though I've always been in Cross Culture. As I said to Eu Pui, "My ideal church." Must sound really impressive to her. But really, it is family, spiritual family, that I don't have here in this city of Melaka where I really for real grew up. It feels rather alone, here. To think that I was saying the same thing about Melbourne only last year, but I guess cell and church really did grew on me. I would gladly trade places with Ee Leen *have a safe trip! :)* and fly back next week instead of in a month's time! So apparently, leaving Melbourne in two years time won't actually be as easy as I thought, as it means leaving the church, that, as best as I know.... I have always been in.

PEACE OF HEART

I have finally found peace, because I know with all my heart beyond a doubt that I would choose to be in the relationship. I can find plenty of rational reasons to not, but I have come to realize that none of them ever gave me peace of heart. It is not that I do not let go, because the peace is regardless of what happens and what the other person chose. There is no restlessness or clammering or ache that longs to be filled.

There is no right or wrong, as choosing to serve God with all one has over a relationship that hinders is really the best reason for a breakup, as best as there can be. Even at the very least, it is a fair reason.

So at last, I am at rest, eventhough what brings the other person peace is opposite to what brings me peace – we both have peace of heart now, and that is what matters. :)

MIND BOGGLING?

What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives (or friends or family) should live as if they had none; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things (or currency of accreditation) of this world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away. 1Cor 7:29-31, brackets mine.

I wonder, why does a theme that so often runs through the epistles sound so alien to me? How often is it that you realize that the world in its present form is passing away, and the time is short? What does Paul mean the time is short?? That was almost 2000 years ago. Does he mean that our lifespan is short to accomplish what God has for us to do (persecutions or no)? How many of us think about that when we watch tv or play games? How many of us take notice of this passage for what it is rather than brush it away as something mind boggling?

PRINCE CASPIAN

I was watching the 3rd Chronicles of Narnia again - Prince Caspian. Yes, again because there were certain scenes where their world was parallel to mine (yes, another parallel).

How Lucy saw Aslan(Jesus) but the rest didn't and doubted.
Peter: Why didn't I see him?
Lucy: Well, maybe you weren't looking...

How Peter wanted to do things by his own strength.
Lucy: Or have you forgotten who really defeated the White Witch?
Peter: I think we've waited for Aslan long enough!

How Lucy hesitated at first.
Lucy: I knew it was you all along! But the other's wouldn't believe me.
Aslan: And why would that stop you from coming to me?

On the whole, how the inhabitants of Narnia stopped believing that Aslan existed because he did not appear physically for 1300 years. And yet...
Lucy: He must know what he's doing.

*You'll have to watch the movie yourself and you'll see - if you are looking*

HOMEWARD BOUND

A few people have asked me to write a song, so here goes...

A brand new day, another chance to search for the things
In this world, that would make this life worth living
How fooled am I? To think that happy ever after
Exists in this world, where pain and tears
Are the fact of life

Each passing day, the more I get the feeling that
I don't belong, here where things are never perfect
How fooled have I been! To think that happy ever after
Exists in this world, where pain and tears are the fact of life

You said seek me first, and all these things you would have as well
To fix my eyes on what's above, what moth and rust would never destroy

Then it dawns that, this world is not my home
I'm just passing through, I'm not stayin' for good
I'm a daughter of the Most High King, Most High King!
This world's not home, I'm just passing through I'm not stayin' for good
I'm homeward bound, homeward bound...

So I'll seek You first, and trust that I will never lack
I'll fix my eyes on what's above
Till I meet You

*link to the demo on myspace*

REMEMBER

This world's not my home

I'm just a passin' through

I'm a daughter of the Most High

I'm homeward bound.

SERENDIPITY

The term serendipity suggests that if the central aim is right, the principle of serendipity will operate accordingly. Who will tell us what life's central aim is? Christians believe that Jesus gave the world the greatest statement on purpose and by-products. He said,"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you" Matt 6:33. By "all these things", Jesus was referring to those necessities of life that persons mistakenly set up as primary aims. He was not chiding the people for being concerned with these things, for he clearly understood these needs. The profound truth is, he was showing that by seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, these human needs will be met as a by-product.

Louis O. Caldwell

Making concious daily decisions to not set up "all these things" as primary aims.

WHITE FANG

It is a story that I have read often since I was 12. Twice a year I remember. It tells the story of a half-dog-half-wolf cub, of how life was hard and the world and men cruel, how it is every dog for himself, and only the fittest survive. And White Fang grew to be hard and vicious, and survived.
I used to think that I loved this story because I too lived in a hard world where it is every man for himself and only the fittest survive. And I grew to be one of the fittest, in a sense that was required by my world. Later on however, I came to realize that I loved the story for quite a different parallel altogether.
Within the fighting ring, left to die in the jaws of a bulldog(they never let go), there came a man - the Love God (in the eyes of dogs men are gods). The story goes on to tell of how love can redeem the heart and nature of a beast hardened and made seemingly irredeemable by a world that is cruel and unjust. Of how the impossible happens, because one man chose to love that which was unlovable.
And ultimately that is the parallel I love, between my world and White Fang's.
So you see, this book is sort of my life testimony...I have yet to find a hardcover *hint hint*

THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MELBOURNE THIS YEAR

1. My cell group Lighthouse 2
2. Wicked the musical & soundtrack
3. Universal Pizza restaurant & Italian food in general
4. Pedigree dogs walking on the street
5. Melbourne Cup! (horse racing)

CUTE

Haha. This is the recent 2008 Australian Idol Wes Carr. And I think he's cute (If he's really as decent and clean and down to earth as he seems). You'd come a long way before I admit that a guy is cute. But he definately is!

MY GOD

My God gave Himself, His best, so that we could be with Him, even while we were still sinners. If He did not, I doubt we would care one bit about His holiness or righteousness or power or majesty(at least I wouldn't). It would all be in vain even if we did care. But no, He is all the more beautiful because He gave Himself, that we may be with Him. We are able to choose Him because He first chose us.

My God is the God who gave Himself that we may one day wed Him, the day His heart would rejoice (songs3:11). Meanwhile, He reminds us again and again of His love and our worth to Him through His word, creation and people who are willing to be bearers of His love. He purifies us with His fire, yet is gentle and speaks tenderly to our hearts.

My God is the God who gave Himself because He wants us to be with Him, because it matters greatly(and that is an understatement). He delights in us, in who He made us to be, bearers of His image in many different ways.

My God is the God who gave Himself, so that I might be with Him.

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

I named them Charmer, Bold and Friendly :)

THINKING OF THE FOTM

I was just reflecting on how I think I failed as a cell group leader back in IMU those 2 years, reason being I didn’t catch up with people outside the cell, and well…we didn’t grow in numbers at all, since I’m not very good in terms of reaching out and I did’t feel that I could ask others to do so if I did not myself.

But thinking further, I guess I was the person that was needed for the job and vice versa. Funny how I learnt to tolerate company because I was forced to be with and go anywhere the cell went. Then gradually I even began to enjoy long stretches of company (no matter how annoyingly meaningless the conversation was :D). I definitely grew skills wise (?) as well, and realized I need to be so much more in terms of being a relational person.

And really it was quite an easy job, considering all I had to do was organize a meet and everyone would come and willingly share their lives. We were definitely a very sharing & open cell. I’ve realized that time and again since coming to Melbourne and being with the Oversees Christian Fellowship here. If anything, the cell was a place to fall back upon, in the midst of the harsh realities of life…and I guess that was what we really needed back in IMU. So the cell being there definitely made a difference, and although I can’t say that I made a great cell leader, I played my part.

I remember especially the time when our cell first started in Sem2, and we were doing the ‘Reason for Community – Fellowship of the Mat’ chapter from ‘Everyone’s Normal Till You Get To Know Them’ book by John Ortberg…the questions at the end were just so tough, because they were too personal and we didn’t know each other very well then. I really regret not doing that chapter again at the end of our IMU days. I think we would have been able to answer all of the questions quite easily…because through the 2 years of carrying each other’s burdens, we really did become - ‘the Fellowship of the Mat’.

THE DESERT

After almost one year here, I still feel quite purposeless. I feel ‘like an alien in a foreign land’. I don’t seem to do much for You except study (for You?) and help people worship by playing guitar. Yet I remember the story of Jacob and his 14 years in his desert, where he seems to do nothing great for You (or looks like nothing at all in fact) except tend sheep (like me studying) and gain 2 wives and grow in numbers. But yet those years in the desert were quite essential to what You would make him to be after the 14 years, no, what You were making him to be in those 14 years. Is this too to be my desert, where I don’t seem to do much but am humbled and grown and expanded? Who knows, maybe to gain a husband and (spiritual) children (haha!), unlikely as it is. So I continue to ‘tend sheep’ and wait upon You, and if there’s anything else You’d want me to do while I’m here, please let me know me ya :)

I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.

Gen 28:15

THE DAY HIS HEART REJOICED

I came upon a wonderful part of a verse:

"...on the day of his wedding, the day his heart rejoiced." Songs 3:11

It doesn’t say 'the day he triumphed', or 'the day he gained for himself a wife'…but simply and wonderfully - 'the day his heart rejoiced'.

So many times when we say that God’s love for us is not based on feeling (which is correct), we forget that ‘not based on feeling’ does not mean ‘without feeling’. One cannot read the Old Testament and not conclude that God loves with feeling.

He is not a God who loves indifferently.

So I like the phrase 'the day his heart rejoiced', and I'm glad it's in the Bible.

IS IT ENOUGH?

I was asked to count my blessings. And I know indeed the list is long…everything from the air I breathe to the skills and intellect and a future that looks brilliant. But is it enough? Are blessings enough?

No. They can never be enough. Not that I’m not thankful. But even if God gave me the world it would not be enough.

But hang on…

He gave not only blessings, but He gave Himself. And because of that, He is always near. And even when I reflect on all the times when I had stubbornly chose to be out of His will He was still there, protecting me and preventing me from making grave mistakes.

Is that enough? I would have to admit, yes, more than enough. :)

JUST 7 MORE WEEKS

Familiar faces, familiar places, familiar issues in the news...I just wanna be home. It seems as if Melbourne shrinks on me day by day. Just 7 more weeks, and just 2 more years. God, why am I here? I don't like being here on my own...

FREEDOM & BROKENNESS

Freedom is brokenness – to be able to embrace it and not run from it. There is indeed beauty in women who choose not to be 'free' from brokenness, but rather to be made free by their brokenness when they embrace it. In their brokenness I see that God is enough, that His grace is all sufficient, all the more. And I can face the day with a smile. I thank You that I am broken, if only so that some day, others who are broken in the same way might be encouraged too.

BEING A BLESSING

Today I prayed for a man in hospital. He was speaking to me calmly but then broke down when the consultant came round to look at him. He was afraid that if he went for surgery again, he might not come out alive because of his heart problems (it is true, it is a big risk). He told me that he is a baptist.

I was able to tell him through praying that God cares and knows all his fears, that God is by his side and he can take comfort in that, even if all else falls away. And that God is more than enough for him.

I know how to pray because I am there too, though in a different way. And I know that God cares.

I thank You that I can bless others because of where I am.

SHOULD HAVES

An aquaintance telling others in a scornful way that he has a friend who’s really religious because he actually believes that the world was created in six days. Well, technically it isn’t literally six days, but is he trying to say that you can be a Christian yet not believe what the Bible says because it sounds foolish? I should have been more than an aquaintance, then I could tell him that there are some other people who are even more ‘foolish’ in believing that Jesus will actually come back…and that I’m one of them.

A latter day saint was asking me on the train if I believe that there is a one true Church, and which denomination do I think is right. I told him that it doesn’t matter that we believe differently on petty issues as long as our doctrine is the same, we are all the true Church. I then realized later what I should have said was if you have a relationship with Christ, you are a part of the true Church…but I was more focused on giving a logical and learned answer, rather than what was simple yet the whole point.

An old man named Ron was begging on the street. He told me that he lives alone in a bungalow and things are alright and that a couple cooks for him. I gave him three dollars, then came back home because it was cold outside. I should have stayed and talked longer. Maybe what he wanted was company and not so much money, as he admits openly that things are alright.

I should have, but didn’t.
Lord, I lay down all these should have’s and many more others down at Your feet…

HOPE & PROMISES

The poor and needy search for water, but there is none; their tongues are parched with thirst. But I the Lord will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.
I will make rivers flow on barren heights, and springs within the valleys. I will turn the desert into pools of water, and the parched ground into springs.
I will put in the desert the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive. I will set pines in the wasteland, the fir and the cypress together, so that people may see and know, may consider and understand, that the hand of the Lord has done this, that the Holy One of Israel has created it.

Isa 41:17-20

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do, I will not forsake them.

Isa 42:16

Am I not poor, needy and blind? But even so He will not forsake me...so I hope in Him all day long.

PRAISE & TRUST

Oh wind! Blow upon my garden,
let its fragrance be wafted abroad.
You are a tree ‘neath the breath of God,
well watered, and firm beneath the sod.
Strong and healthy your spirit grows,
each one different, in highs and lows:
each one different, but in the plan,
I’ve planted you in the garden of man.

The breath of my Spirit blows around you each day,
strongly or still, but come what may you’ve only to bend, and joyfully sway.
Bend your proud back and happily nod,
as my Spirit brings over you rain, sun or cloud.
The way to survive is to bend, not to break,
to go with my wind and allow it to shake
you loose from your pride, and your other endeavours
by which you had thought to weather all weathers,
right all wrongs, and bring people to me;
mend broken hearts, save the drowning at sea.

A truly proud streak, and I love your straight back,
your stretching ambitions, but see where you lack?
I alone can do my work, but through vessels sound.
The way to help me, is only found
In flexible trust of all that I bring,
with praise in your heart that helps you to sing.

As you bend and sway ‘neath my Spirit this day,
I am making you into a wonderful way
by which men can shelter, gather food and find peace.
You’re my inspiration of fragrant increase.
I love your deep yearnings to do things for me,
but all I want is for you to be
a thing of beauty right where you belong,
breathing my air and growing strong.

Trust me to make of you all you could dream,
because you and I are part of a team.
I do the work as you thankfully see
that the rain, cold and clouds are as useful to thee
as the summer and sunshine, the heat and the bees;
all help you to grow to be one of my trees.

Don’t take any credit for your beauty of leaf,
but give it to me, your climate and chief.
Be thankful and grateful, and glorify me.
Let others be glad to encounter a tree.

Bronwyn Pryor

I praise You God, for the rain, cold and clouds, as much as the summer and sunshine, heat and bees.I trust in You in all that You bring my way.

THE SACRIFICE OF PRAISE

Tho I do not understand, I do not call You cruel, nor can I call You unjust…nor do I demand or need an explanation. You have given me for two years to enjoy what was never mine to begin with. You have only given, and did not take anything away from me…for what did I have that did not come from You? So I am sorrowful, but yet thankful…and I praise You evermore, for it is only that that keeps me going.

LAST BITTER POST

No point being with the godliest man on the planet, if he doesn't know how to love and cherish you nor see the need to. It is a bitter thing to say, but it is true. Will serve me well to remember that. Enough of all this I guess...I let go....

Even as I feel abandoned I know that You, Emmanuel, will never abandon me...

And eventhough people change, You are unchanging and nothing can separate me from Your love...

Solvitus ambulando cum Deo