MY PORTION & VERY GREAT REWARD

The LORD said to Aaron, "You will have no inhritance in their land, nor will you have any share among them; I am your share and your inheritance among the Israelites." Num18:20

Perhaps at first glance to someone who is not familiar with the history of the Israelites or the Bible, he/she would ask, "Why? What did Aaron do wrong that he was not to have a portion of the promised land?" But it was not that Aaron did wrong, quite the contrary, Aaron and his family, the Levites, stood by God when the Israelites sinned by worshipping the golden calf (although the golden calf was Aaron's making as well). And so for this, they received something much better than land that will perish and pass away...their inheritance was to be God himself - He who remains the same and whose years will never end.

...the word of the LORD came to Abra(ha)m.., "Do not be afraid Abra(ha)m, I am your shield, your very great reward" Gen15:1

He is God my shield and my very great reward.

I cry to You O LORD, I say, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living." Ps142:5

He is God my refuge and portion in the land of the living.

...but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Ps73:26

He is God the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Heb13:5

And God who is my share and inheritance,

my shield and very great reward,

my refuge and portion in the land of the living,

the strength of my heart and my portion forever;

has said to me, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

Can I not be content whatever comes my way?

SECRET PLACES

It's funny how you find treasures when you linger. I went for another jog in the Fitzroy gardens today (when there were not many dogs around to distract me) and discovered quite a few beautiful "secret places". Paths that don't seem to lead anywhere revealed unexpected surprises when one takes time to explore them. One of them in particular, led to a wooden bridge over a man-made stream and two ponds, one with a greco-roman statue in the middle, and benches around the ponds to sit, totally shielded from outside view. The discovery of this place got me exploring the garden a bit more (and abandoning jogging). And I found many other beautiful places like the People's Path which is a monument surrounded by 10,000 bricks that were individually decorated by people from all walks of life. Wow.

It's funny how you find treasures when you linger, and this is true with many things in life.

True with gardens.

True with people.

True with God.

You are matchless, O Lord.

So our praise of You must rise above our humanity.

St Augustine, The Confessions

WISTFULNESS

Was jogging in Fitzroy Gardens and saw many dogs with their owners. Happy, tongue-out, jumpy, free-running dogs. I know that this will not be the kind of life I can live if I go back to Malaysia.

MY ROOM

Moving into a new place is tiresome. I have shifted three times in the past year! After all that shifting, I’m glad that I now have my very own room for the next two years. No more partially living out of the suitcase (metaphorically)! Besides the tiresome-ness of shifting, it is otherwise fun to have a new room – to painstakingly choose out a desk and chair at IKEA, then arranging all the furnitures, filling up my wardrobe neatly, pasting pictures, notes and cards from friends up on the wall just in front of my desk, and placing gifts and souveniers just in that right spot – everything to make my room homy, comfortable and beautiful. Only that I’ve forgotten one thing. Eventhough two years is a long time, it is nothing compared to eternity! I’m not staying here for good! One day I will have to pack up again, and stuff that I can’t carry back to Malaysia will be left behind.

Does that mean that I should not have done everything that I did? And camp in my room? (cos I’m a pilgrim mah...) Heavens, no! But rather to be reminded to decorate my forever home even more painstakingly (ie. to store up treasures in heaven), because when I finally move in….it will be for eternity. It will be good to be home at last, no more shiftings and packing and unpacking. Sigh.

So meanwhile, as I bask in the homy-ness, comfort and beauty of my new room, I remember –this world’s not home, I’m just passing through.

TWO WOLVES

One evening, a native grandfather was teaching his young grandson about the internal battle that each person faces. He said, "Son, there are two wolves struggling inside each of us. One wolf is vengeance, anger, resentment, self pity etc." And the young boy waited to hear what the other wolf was. The grandfather continued,"The other wolf is compassion, faithfulness, hope, truth and love etc". The young boy sat stunned thinking. Then he asked,"Which wolf wins, grandfather?" The old man replied," The one you feed."

Rev Dr. Sharon Watkins at National Prayer Service, USA


"You have to choose, there is no other choice...other than to choose." Ps Sunny Phillip


Making concious choices to feed the right wolf, everyday.

RELATIVE VALUES

My cell group leader's getting married next month.

So, for the first time in my 23 plus years of life, I bought..........eyeshadow.

Yup, that's right. I miraculously escaped all of my cousin's and aunt's (3 cousins & one aunt) wedding, and so far none of my friends are married yet. Also, I avoid balls like the plague (I'm not the sort who would spend RM80 or more for one night of fun, or rather, I was not the sort). But heck, my CGL's getting married!

Anyway, for the first time in my life, I discovered how expensive makeup is. I could have bought a book (definately more valuable than makeup!)! But oh well, a meal in Melbourne would have cost the same (ok la), so would a cinema ticket (sooo not worth it!). So yeah, eyeshadow is probably worth it, if just for the experience of owning my own eyeshadow, and putting on eyeshadow myself on my on lid.

Makeup is overrated.

Relative values : a book > eyeshadow=a meal > a cinema ticket

*but all cost the same money wise*

A MEDICAL ELECTIVE

I did an unofficial elective during this holiday period and somehow mistakenly understood that I needed to submit a report when actually what was meant was a report on me by my supervisor. Haha. The staff could have phrased their letter better! Since I already wrote everything (very nicely) out, I figured it should not go to waste and at least adorn my blog, eventho most people would have fallen asleep barely halfway through :D

"During the summer break of Dec 2008 – Jan 2009, I had the privilege to undertake a medical elective in my hometown of Melaka, Malaysia. Just being freshly introduced to the clinical side of medicine since six months ago, and also a little apprehensive of the day when I would return to work in Malaysia as an intern, I decided that it was best I had some exposure to medicine in one of the government hospitals here in Malaysia. Hence this unofficial elective.

I was posted to the male medical ward, which consists of 32 beds mostly laid out in cubicles with eight of these being devoted especially to nephrology (kidney) patients, and about a quarter of the remainder to the VIPs or ‘Very Infectious Patients’ – patients who had contracted blood borne viruses or TB (tuberculosis). One medical officer and two interns manned the ward (that’s one doctor per 32 patients!!). I was impressed by the medical officer’s dedication and how he opted to remain in government service with the heavy workload and relatively lower pay (very very rare!), when many have chosen to migrate to greener pastures either in the private sector or overseas (so very common), thus resulting in the ever-present shortage of doctors in public hospitals (whose fault izzit?). The two interns too in the same way were very helpful and always managed a smile even with the seven working days a week and 36 hour on-call shifts (I surely hope I’d be at least this good). Things certainly don’t look as bad as what is said about government service (or is it?).

My days were spent following the medical officer or intern as they made their rounds in the morning, clerking and examining patients and trying my hand at blood taking. Clinical signs were aplenty, many of which I’ve only read about in books but did not see in real life till now, everything from finger clubbing (don’t laugh all u non-medic people, it means club-shaped fingers, NOT fingers clubbing!) to massive splenomegaly (enlargement of spleen) across the midline. The commonest causes of admission were congestive cardiac failure (simply heart failure, but doctors like to make everything sound complicated) and chronic renal failure (again, simply kidney failure) associated with diabetes. Within the first week, questions like, “How far can you walk or how many flights of stairs can you climb? How many pillows do you sleep with at night? Do you wake up suddenly in the night gasping for breath?” were posed to many patients that I saw (to look for symptoms of heart failure). Of course, none of it in English, but rather in Malay when conversing with Malays or Indians, and Mandarin with Chinese patients. For someone who learnt it all in English for the past five years, there was much to learn even in simply conversing with patients *sob sob*.

Here in Malaysia, the greatest problem has always been, and will be still – patient or family education. Take for example, when one’s elderly father develops a hemiparesis (paralysed on one side of the body), it is common sense that one sends him to the hospital immediately instead of keeping him lying in bed at home for two weeks (so obviously stroke). Again, when one’s elderly father stops eating because of SOB (shortness of breath due to a variety of lung problems) for two weeks, one sends him into the hospital instead of watching him waste away at home (he was literally skin and bones when they brought him in!!). Blame it on lack of education? Or is it just the lack of care? Sigh.

On a lighter and more positive note, I have observed patient education conducted regularly in regards to the use of an inhaler, insulin injection, the diabetic diet, care of the HIV+ patient and the immobilized patient. Unfortunately, I have also noticed that patients and their family simply find these things difficult to grasp, and a lot of repetition and patience is required on the part of the doctors.

As I have mentioned earlier, quite a few HIV+ patients come into the wards, either with TB, PCP (Pneumocystic pneumonia) or Toxoplasmosis (a worm that grows in the brain- most of us have it, but our intact immune system renders it harmless). In addition to the management of HIV+ patients in the ward, I also had the privilege of sitting in on the HIV clinic in the afternoons. Before this, I personally found the statistics on the great number of HIV+ patients in Malaysia hard to believe because, well, I simply have never met someone who is HIV+. But being here in this ward and clinic has definitely opened my eyes. The numbers are real – the records on the shelves of the clinic are a testament to that fact. And simply observing HIV counseling being done day after day, too, made that fact sink in deeper.

Throughout my elective period, I found myself asking how life is valued. Is it valued based on one’s contributions to society or what one has done? Or does life have intrinsic value regardless? It is heartening that both the doctors here and the government seem to think that it is the latter, as HAART treatment (that controls but does not cure HIV) is completely subsidized by the government for life, unless the treatment fails due to the patient’s non-compliance. Even so, the budget for HAART last year has been exhausted well before time, and it will be the same this year as HIV+ patients keep pouring in. Perhaps the recent move by the government to screen Muslim couples before marriage is a good move, although in theory, it is an infringement of human rights (which is the lesser of two evils?).

Coming to the end of my elective, I have found that some of the horrors of Malaysian public system as is widely circulated, is true. For example, how sudden paraplegia that warrants an urgent MRI of the spine can be delayed for a week because it is not pushed for by a consultant. It is also quite interesting that the sole CT scan machine breaks down quite frequently. Hmmm (how to tell what type of stroke and treat?! Or access brain involvement in trauma?!). And lab results are always slow in coming and frequently sent to the wrong ward. But, in retrospect, there is also much to be proud of – the few select doctors who choose to remain in public service, trying in their own way to make a difference in this faulty system, giving their best despite a heavy workload and relatively low pay (I don’t want to work straight for 36 hours!:( ). I can only hope that I will not fall short of the standard that they have set when I come back to take my place in Malaysian society (Amen)."

ON MOURNING

We all go through a period of mourning at some part of our lives. Life comes with gains and losses, and when we lose something that meant a lot to us, we mourn. As the writer of Ecclesiastes says, there is a "time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance". We sometimes try to rush through the natural response of mourning, or worse still, reject it. We should all really learn to let mourning take its natural course. That way, most of us would end up with better healed wounds and less hideous scars. And also to learn to see that as with all seasons in life, a season of mourning brings its own specific gifts and lessons as well.

Other than the acknowledgment of the fact that one is in mourning, the act of mourning involves two other things as well - taking extra time off to be alone with God and also talking it over with friends when the need arises. All very natural right?

I have realized to a greater extent that all I need is God, when all I have is God; and of my utter dependency on Him; more so within mourning than outside of it. Also a new found greater appreciation of the Word, especially the prophets, and especially the book of Hosea, which talks about the exceeding tenderness of God, who in wrath remembers mercy, even to a people who continually breaks His heart and Covenant. Oh, and I was able to write a song too, something which I have never been able to do. Needless to say, some things are lost on us in the good times.
So too, there is a change in my relationships with people. It somehow becomes easier to forge closer bonds of friendship, perhaps because the state of mourning brings us into a more receiving and sharing mode, and causes us to more fully appreciate the extent of other people's pain. But to me, the most precious gift that I have received in this period is the slow molding of my heart into the heart of a woman - a heart that knows and appreciates the value of relationship, and is not afraid to build such relationships.

So we do not despise mourning, neither do we see it as a discouraging or negative experience, but one that is encouraging and positive, bringing us lessons and gifts to prepare us for both the weeping times and laughing times of our life. And all this is possible, only because we know that one day we will no longer mourn, but will be comforted; and that in the eternal scheme of things, there are no true losses, only gains.

THE CONTRADICTION THAT MAKES SENSE

My stray dog died on me when I was 11. I came back from my stay at grandma's to find that no dog came when I called. What I learnt? Strays are shot down. They die on you. Don't invest your heart in them. So I moved on, only to find that human friends are not that different. They don't stay for good either.

I got my first taste of it in college. Everyone always finds a clique in the first few days in school, everyone except me. I take awhile to warm up to people, more than awhile to forge bonds. Actually, about a year or more. By then, newly found kindred spirits would be separated. That's college life.

And likewise, I found university life no different, especially one that offers a twinning program. The same feeling of being alone again, and then, just when I begin to get close to people...puff! They disappear out of my life. Happened to me twice in fact. Once with seniors and once with my batch mates, plus the feelings of aloneness in between the two, mind you. Simply because I didn't see a need to strive to get close to my batch mates while I had my seniors who were easier to get close to.

Honestly it's really frustrating. So frustrating that I got quite desperate to marry the one guy I'm closest to. So that he wouldn't disappear out of my life, like everyone else (well, at least not until God decides to call him home). And now I am coming to grips with the fact that that guy too, will disappear out of my life, about one or two years from now, if not now. I won't try to deny that it's all very heartbreaking.

Which is why I try to keep in perspective that the world in its present form is passing away. It teaches me to hang on harder to God and looser to everything else. And, also on the other hand, to value everything more. Which is why I resolve to treat even people I'm not comfortable with right now as if they were already my kindred spirits(cos I never know if they might be); also to make the most of the relationships I have now, all the more so when I know that most will pass out of my life in the near future. I don't want to always look back, wishing that I'd spent more time with or valued this or that person more.

So it seems to me: to cling looser yet value more. Might sound like a contradiction to you, but makes a whole world of sense to me.

THIS IS LIFE

Am finding it quite funny, that I spent so much of my time studying, only to gain a certificate that will go into my folder and up the shelves, never to be touched or seen again till if ever, it becomes useful. On the other hand, I spent so little time(less than I should) with people whose pictures and handwritten messages adorn the very walls of my room. It's hilarious! In a pathetic way...this is life. *sigh*

BUT LIKE A DREAM

Sometimes I don't know what to make of my memories. Take away the pictures or the memorablias or the people who remind me that they were real and did happen, I would be fully convinced that they were but a dream, distant and foreign.

I wonder, at the end of our days on earth, wouldn't everything be as if it were a dream? Only, a dream that echos into and determines our place in reality/eternity. So one should take heed of how one lives. And I guess the other important thing is having dreams that are worth remembering.

For what it's worth, my memories are worth remembering, tho they be but like a dream to me even now.

GIFTS & GLORY

I have often asked God why I usually do well in exams. I mean sure, I study hard, but so do others. And the funniest part is that I think that I’m sort of ‘spiritual’ when I think like that.

“…nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving,” 1Tim 4:4

Who am I to reject God’s gift? To say to Him, “Oh no, thanks but I don’t need this. I only want You and what is eternal.” Seriously, to think that I am above the gifts that He chooses bless me with! And to think that in doing so I am sort of…humble, when actually it is rather prideful.

So it seems that I need to try harder to receive blessings with thanksgiving in my heart instead of thinking that I am above them.

Me : Doing well in exams is not a need (tho I’d probably be sad if I didn’t), but I give thanks to You, that somehow whether deserved or not, You just saw it fit to see to it that I always do well. So yeah, thanks. :)

And then perhaps God replies
God : Who said it was totally for you? It is for my glory as well!

Which is actually very true!

So to add to my pridefulness in not fully accepting God’s gifts with a thankful heart, I sometimes think too much of myself as well.

Yup, so shame on me! Haa... :D

A PRACTICE IN NOTICING

Someone told me that although we are not of this world and that the world in this present form is passing away, we are not to shun what is temporal, but to practice to notice what the temporal teaches us about the eternal.

Not to boast, but well, actually, that’s what I’ve always been doing! Perhaps not hard or frequent enough, but definitely no one can contest that I have always been a person in search of parallels.

Jesus was always one to portray the eternal through the ordinary and temporal. Think parables. Likewise too, the prophets – think metaphors. Paul...well Paul, does it to an extent, but not very much. Frankly, I think he has an underdeveloped right brain. Or rather perhaps because his readers, the Greeks, were not people that would appreciate such things.

So...today I was watching a Walt Disney animation, Dinosaur. Obviously, a story about dinosaurs. What can a story about dinosaurs teach us about the eternal? Seems quite farfetched, no relation whatsoever. Yet, it was a story that had many truths. A herd of dinosaurs were travelling through the desert to their nesting grounds. The conditions are harsh, water sparse, and worse still, they had to avoid predators – the flesh eating T-rexes. Woe to the dinosaur that doesn’t keep apace with the herd! A dinosaur separated from the herd is a dead dinosaur. But yet, because they stuck together and stuck-up for each other, they made it at last to the nesting grounds, T-rexes or not. It reminds me of our journey here as pilgrims, looking forward to our heavenly home. The journey is hard, and the forces of evil are real, but yet if we uphold each other and keep going together, we’ll make it. Especially since unlike in the story, we have a Leader who is perfect, has gone before us and is the Rock that gives us water.

Also today, I was knitting my scarf. Somehow, I come to appreciate how God feels when He made us, fearfully and wonderfully. How every stitch is important, and how proud one is of one’s creation when it is completed. Also how precious we His creation are to Him, and lastly, that we were made for a purpose...in a way too, to warm not necks, but hearts, especially that of the Maker.

So yeah, if one looks hard enough, one can usually find the eternal in the temporal.

Someone can please tell me what can we learn from arrhythmias about eternity? The only thing I’ve learnt so far is that like arrhythmias, we can never fully comprehend eternity. It is much too....complicated. But still we must prepare for them! :D

MARLEY & ME

Hmmm, I think...this is the first contemporary book that I like as much as my classic literature! (I usually only read classical literature cos unlike their contemporary counterparts, they are actually worth reading, non-abridged that is) It's a superbly written real life story about - as it says on the cover - life and love with the world's worst dog. But of course, even the world's worst dog has more to give than meets the eye.

As men wondered what was on God's mind when He made Eve, so I wonder what was on God's mind when He fashioned a dog. An animal like all others to rule over, yet, walks beside man as Eve does - indeed, lauded as men's best friend - and like Eve too, quite irreplaceable. What would the world be like without dogs?

So I thank You for dogs, although it would be quite some time before I can experience the joys of having one...but all in good time, Your time.

MISSING MELBOURNE

Well, to be more exact it is church that I miss, as it was church that opened my eyes to the beauty of that city. Without church, Melbourne would be just another city among the many cities that I've lived in, and there would not be anything to miss. It's funny, I've only been in Cross Culture for less than a year, and yet it seems as though I've always been in Cross Culture. As I said to Eu Pui, "My ideal church." Must sound really impressive to her. But really, it is family, spiritual family, that I don't have here in this city of Melaka where I really for real grew up. It feels rather alone, here. To think that I was saying the same thing about Melbourne only last year, but I guess cell and church really did grew on me. I would gladly trade places with Ee Leen *have a safe trip! :)* and fly back next week instead of in a month's time! So apparently, leaving Melbourne in two years time won't actually be as easy as I thought, as it means leaving the church, that, as best as I know.... I have always been in.

PEACE OF HEART

I have finally found peace, because I know with all my heart beyond a doubt that I would choose to be in the relationship. I can find plenty of rational reasons to not, but I have come to realize that none of them ever gave me peace of heart. It is not that I do not let go, because the peace is regardless of what happens and what the other person chose. There is no restlessness or clammering or ache that longs to be filled.

There is no right or wrong, as choosing to serve God with all one has over a relationship that hinders is really the best reason for a breakup, as best as there can be. Even at the very least, it is a fair reason.

So at last, I am at rest, eventhough what brings the other person peace is opposite to what brings me peace – we both have peace of heart now, and that is what matters. :)

MIND BOGGLING?

What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives (or friends or family) should live as if they had none; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things (or currency of accreditation) of this world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away. 1Cor 7:29-31, brackets mine.

I wonder, why does a theme that so often runs through the epistles sound so alien to me? How often is it that you realize that the world in its present form is passing away, and the time is short? What does Paul mean the time is short?? That was almost 2000 years ago. Does he mean that our lifespan is short to accomplish what God has for us to do (persecutions or no)? How many of us think about that when we watch tv or play games? How many of us take notice of this passage for what it is rather than brush it away as something mind boggling?

PRINCE CASPIAN

I was watching the 3rd Chronicles of Narnia again - Prince Caspian. Yes, again because there were certain scenes where their world was parallel to mine (yes, another parallel).

How Lucy saw Aslan(Jesus) but the rest didn't and doubted.
Peter: Why didn't I see him?
Lucy: Well, maybe you weren't looking...

How Peter wanted to do things by his own strength.
Lucy: Or have you forgotten who really defeated the White Witch?
Peter: I think we've waited for Aslan long enough!

How Lucy hesitated at first.
Lucy: I knew it was you all along! But the other's wouldn't believe me.
Aslan: And why would that stop you from coming to me?

On the whole, how the inhabitants of Narnia stopped believing that Aslan existed because he did not appear physically for 1300 years. And yet...
Lucy: He must know what he's doing.

*You'll have to watch the movie yourself and you'll see - if you are looking*

HOMEWARD BOUND

A few people have asked me to write a song, so here goes...

A brand new day, another chance to search for the things
In this world, that would make this life worth living
How fooled am I? To think that happy ever after
Exists in this world, where pain and tears
Are the fact of life

Each passing day, the more I get the feeling that
I don't belong, here where things are never perfect
How fooled have I been! To think that happy ever after
Exists in this world, where pain and tears are the fact of life

You said seek me first, and all these things you would have as well
To fix my eyes on what's above, what moth and rust would never destroy

Then it dawns that, this world is not my home
I'm just passing through, I'm not stayin' for good
I'm a daughter of the Most High King, Most High King!
This world's not home, I'm just passing through I'm not stayin' for good
I'm homeward bound, homeward bound...

So I'll seek You first, and trust that I will never lack
I'll fix my eyes on what's above
Till I meet You

*link to the demo on myspace*

REMEMBER

This world's not my home

I'm just a passin' through

I'm a daughter of the Most High

I'm homeward bound.

SERENDIPITY

The term serendipity suggests that if the central aim is right, the principle of serendipity will operate accordingly. Who will tell us what life's central aim is? Christians believe that Jesus gave the world the greatest statement on purpose and by-products. He said,"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you" Matt 6:33. By "all these things", Jesus was referring to those necessities of life that persons mistakenly set up as primary aims. He was not chiding the people for being concerned with these things, for he clearly understood these needs. The profound truth is, he was showing that by seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, these human needs will be met as a by-product.

Louis O. Caldwell

Making concious daily decisions to not set up "all these things" as primary aims.

WHITE FANG

It is a story that I have read often since I was 12. Twice a year I remember. It tells the story of a half-dog-half-wolf cub, of how life was hard and the world and men cruel, how it is every dog for himself, and only the fittest survive. And White Fang grew to be hard and vicious, and survived.
I used to think that I loved this story because I too lived in a hard world where it is every man for himself and only the fittest survive. And I grew to be one of the fittest, in a sense that was required by my world. Later on however, I came to realize that I loved the story for quite a different parallel altogether.
Within the fighting ring, left to die in the jaws of a bulldog(they never let go), there came a man - the Love God (in the eyes of dogs men are gods). The story goes on to tell of how love can redeem the heart and nature of a beast hardened and made seemingly irredeemable by a world that is cruel and unjust. Of how the impossible happens, because one man chose to love that which was unlovable.
And ultimately that is the parallel I love, between my world and White Fang's.
So you see, this book is sort of my life testimony...I have yet to find a hardcover *hint hint*

THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MELBOURNE THIS YEAR

1. My cell group Lighthouse 2
2. Wicked the musical & soundtrack
3. Universal Pizza restaurant & Italian food in general
4. Pedigree dogs walking on the street
5. Melbourne Cup! (horse racing)

CUTE

Haha. This is the recent 2008 Australian Idol Wes Carr. And I think he's cute (If he's really as decent and clean and down to earth as he seems). You'd come a long way before I admit that a guy is cute. But he definately is!

MY GOD

My God gave Himself, His best, so that we could be with Him, even while we were still sinners. If He did not, I doubt we would care one bit about His holiness or righteousness or power or majesty(at least I wouldn't). It would all be in vain even if we did care. But no, He is all the more beautiful because He gave Himself, that we may be with Him. We are able to choose Him because He first chose us.

My God is the God who gave Himself that we may one day wed Him, the day His heart would rejoice (songs3:11). Meanwhile, He reminds us again and again of His love and our worth to Him through His word, creation and people who are willing to be bearers of His love. He purifies us with His fire, yet is gentle and speaks tenderly to our hearts.

My God is the God who gave Himself because He wants us to be with Him, because it matters greatly(and that is an understatement). He delights in us, in who He made us to be, bearers of His image in many different ways.

My God is the God who gave Himself, so that I might be with Him.

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

I named them Charmer, Bold and Friendly :)

THINKING OF THE FOTM

I was just reflecting on how I think I failed as a cell group leader back in IMU those 2 years, reason being I didn’t catch up with people outside the cell, and well…we didn’t grow in numbers at all, since I’m not very good in terms of reaching out and I did’t feel that I could ask others to do so if I did not myself.

But thinking further, I guess I was the person that was needed for the job and vice versa. Funny how I learnt to tolerate company because I was forced to be with and go anywhere the cell went. Then gradually I even began to enjoy long stretches of company (no matter how annoyingly meaningless the conversation was :D). I definitely grew skills wise (?) as well, and realized I need to be so much more in terms of being a relational person.

And really it was quite an easy job, considering all I had to do was organize a meet and everyone would come and willingly share their lives. We were definitely a very sharing & open cell. I’ve realized that time and again since coming to Melbourne and being with the Oversees Christian Fellowship here. If anything, the cell was a place to fall back upon, in the midst of the harsh realities of life…and I guess that was what we really needed back in IMU. So the cell being there definitely made a difference, and although I can’t say that I made a great cell leader, I played my part.

I remember especially the time when our cell first started in Sem2, and we were doing the ‘Reason for Community – Fellowship of the Mat’ chapter from ‘Everyone’s Normal Till You Get To Know Them’ book by John Ortberg…the questions at the end were just so tough, because they were too personal and we didn’t know each other very well then. I really regret not doing that chapter again at the end of our IMU days. I think we would have been able to answer all of the questions quite easily…because through the 2 years of carrying each other’s burdens, we really did become - ‘the Fellowship of the Mat’.

THE DESERT

After almost one year here, I still feel quite purposeless. I feel ‘like an alien in a foreign land’. I don’t seem to do much for You except study (for You?) and help people worship by playing guitar. Yet I remember the story of Jacob and his 14 years in his desert, where he seems to do nothing great for You (or looks like nothing at all in fact) except tend sheep (like me studying) and gain 2 wives and grow in numbers. But yet those years in the desert were quite essential to what You would make him to be after the 14 years, no, what You were making him to be in those 14 years. Is this too to be my desert, where I don’t seem to do much but am humbled and grown and expanded? Who knows, maybe to gain a husband and (spiritual) children (haha!), unlikely as it is. So I continue to ‘tend sheep’ and wait upon You, and if there’s anything else You’d want me to do while I’m here, please let me know me ya :)

I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.

Gen 28:15

THE DAY HIS HEART REJOICED

I came upon a wonderful part of a verse:

"...on the day of his wedding, the day his heart rejoiced." Songs 3:11

It doesn’t say 'the day he triumphed', or 'the day he gained for himself a wife'…but simply and wonderfully - 'the day his heart rejoiced'.

So many times when we say that God’s love for us is not based on feeling (which is correct), we forget that ‘not based on feeling’ does not mean ‘without feeling’. One cannot read the Old Testament and not conclude that God loves with feeling.

He is not a God who loves indifferently.

So I like the phrase 'the day his heart rejoiced', and I'm glad it's in the Bible.

IS IT ENOUGH?

I was asked to count my blessings. And I know indeed the list is long…everything from the air I breathe to the skills and intellect and a future that looks brilliant. But is it enough? Are blessings enough?

No. They can never be enough. Not that I’m not thankful. But even if God gave me the world it would not be enough.

But hang on…

He gave not only blessings, but He gave Himself. And because of that, He is always near. And even when I reflect on all the times when I had stubbornly chose to be out of His will He was still there, protecting me and preventing me from making grave mistakes.

Is that enough? I would have to admit, yes, more than enough. :)

JUST 7 MORE WEEKS

Familiar faces, familiar places, familiar issues in the news...I just wanna be home. It seems as if Melbourne shrinks on me day by day. Just 7 more weeks, and just 2 more years. God, why am I here? I don't like being here on my own...

FREEDOM & BROKENNESS

Freedom is brokenness – to be able to embrace it and not run from it. There is indeed beauty in women who choose not to be 'free' from brokenness, but rather to be made free by their brokenness when they embrace it. In their brokenness I see that God is enough, that His grace is all sufficient, all the more. And I can face the day with a smile. I thank You that I am broken, if only so that some day, others who are broken in the same way might be encouraged too.

BEING A BLESSING

Today I prayed for a man in hospital. He was speaking to me calmly but then broke down when the consultant came round to look at him. He was afraid that if he went for surgery again, he might not come out alive because of his heart problems (it is true, it is a big risk). He told me that he is a baptist.

I was able to tell him through praying that God cares and knows all his fears, that God is by his side and he can take comfort in that, even if all else falls away. And that God is more than enough for him.

I know how to pray because I am there too, though in a different way. And I know that God cares.

I thank You that I can bless others because of where I am.

SHOULD HAVES

An aquaintance telling others in a scornful way that he has a friend who’s really religious because he actually believes that the world was created in six days. Well, technically it isn’t literally six days, but is he trying to say that you can be a Christian yet not believe what the Bible says because it sounds foolish? I should have been more than an aquaintance, then I could tell him that there are some other people who are even more ‘foolish’ in believing that Jesus will actually come back…and that I’m one of them.

A latter day saint was asking me on the train if I believe that there is a one true Church, and which denomination do I think is right. I told him that it doesn’t matter that we believe differently on petty issues as long as our doctrine is the same, we are all the true Church. I then realized later what I should have said was if you have a relationship with Christ, you are a part of the true Church…but I was more focused on giving a logical and learned answer, rather than what was simple yet the whole point.

An old man named Ron was begging on the street. He told me that he lives alone in a bungalow and things are alright and that a couple cooks for him. I gave him three dollars, then came back home because it was cold outside. I should have stayed and talked longer. Maybe what he wanted was company and not so much money, as he admits openly that things are alright.

I should have, but didn’t.
Lord, I lay down all these should have’s and many more others down at Your feet…

HOPE & PROMISES

The poor and needy search for water, but there is none; their tongues are parched with thirst. But I the Lord will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.
I will make rivers flow on barren heights, and springs within the valleys. I will turn the desert into pools of water, and the parched ground into springs.
I will put in the desert the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive. I will set pines in the wasteland, the fir and the cypress together, so that people may see and know, may consider and understand, that the hand of the Lord has done this, that the Holy One of Israel has created it.

Isa 41:17-20

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do, I will not forsake them.

Isa 42:16

Am I not poor, needy and blind? But even so He will not forsake me...so I hope in Him all day long.

PRAISE & TRUST

Oh wind! Blow upon my garden,
let its fragrance be wafted abroad.
You are a tree ‘neath the breath of God,
well watered, and firm beneath the sod.
Strong and healthy your spirit grows,
each one different, in highs and lows:
each one different, but in the plan,
I’ve planted you in the garden of man.

The breath of my Spirit blows around you each day,
strongly or still, but come what may you’ve only to bend, and joyfully sway.
Bend your proud back and happily nod,
as my Spirit brings over you rain, sun or cloud.
The way to survive is to bend, not to break,
to go with my wind and allow it to shake
you loose from your pride, and your other endeavours
by which you had thought to weather all weathers,
right all wrongs, and bring people to me;
mend broken hearts, save the drowning at sea.

A truly proud streak, and I love your straight back,
your stretching ambitions, but see where you lack?
I alone can do my work, but through vessels sound.
The way to help me, is only found
In flexible trust of all that I bring,
with praise in your heart that helps you to sing.

As you bend and sway ‘neath my Spirit this day,
I am making you into a wonderful way
by which men can shelter, gather food and find peace.
You’re my inspiration of fragrant increase.
I love your deep yearnings to do things for me,
but all I want is for you to be
a thing of beauty right where you belong,
breathing my air and growing strong.

Trust me to make of you all you could dream,
because you and I are part of a team.
I do the work as you thankfully see
that the rain, cold and clouds are as useful to thee
as the summer and sunshine, the heat and the bees;
all help you to grow to be one of my trees.

Don’t take any credit for your beauty of leaf,
but give it to me, your climate and chief.
Be thankful and grateful, and glorify me.
Let others be glad to encounter a tree.

Bronwyn Pryor

I praise You God, for the rain, cold and clouds, as much as the summer and sunshine, heat and bees.I trust in You in all that You bring my way.

THE SACRIFICE OF PRAISE

Tho I do not understand, I do not call You cruel, nor can I call You unjust…nor do I demand or need an explanation. You have given me for two years to enjoy what was never mine to begin with. You have only given, and did not take anything away from me…for what did I have that did not come from You? So I am sorrowful, but yet thankful…and I praise You evermore, for it is only that that keeps me going.

LAST BITTER POST

No point being with the godliest man on the planet, if he doesn't know how to love and cherish you nor see the need to. It is a bitter thing to say, but it is true. Will serve me well to remember that. Enough of all this I guess...I let go....

Even as I feel abandoned I know that You, Emmanuel, will never abandon me...

And eventhough people change, You are unchanging and nothing can separate me from Your love...

Solvitus ambulando cum Deo

LOVE & PAIN

I loved mistakenly....I didn't know that he'd be one who would abandon someone who couldn't say that they consider all things rubbish compared to knowing You...All I know is that I'm following You as best as I know how...I hope that that's enough for You at least...
I wish he wouldn't leave me, I wish he would stay with me always...but not my will but Yours. And tho sometimes I feel at my end, I remember, that You are my portion in the land of the living.

When my spirit grows faints within me,

it is you who know my way.

Ps142:3

PAIN, DEATH & LIFE

In our distorting fear we are tempted to invoke the power of the resurrection as a short cut to new life. We want our Easter without having to go through Good Friday. We choose to overlook the lesson of Palm Sunday: that when we offer our hosannas to Jesus and proclaim him king before we are prepared to experience the pain of his dying and of our own dying with him, our shouts become hollow...the road goes through Calvary and there is no other. Before his resurrection brings new life to us, before we can tolerate the gifts of his rising, something in us has to die. It may well be something which has been very important to us...When we seek to evade the hurt, we lose the goal (of sharing in Calvary and thus resurrection).

Greame Griffin, 'Faith and Fear'

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Heb 12:11

I will not forget that I am sharing in Your suffering, no matter how meager mine seems to be...and it is a joy to share in the sufferings of Christ, although mine would be more discipline instead of suffering for good?

For he wounds, but he also binds up;

he injures, but his hands also heal.

Job 5:18

SANDCASTLE

My God brought me to the beach and asked me to build a sandcastle. So I began to scoop sand with my little bare hands while He looked on. Little by little, the sandcastle took place, until it became the grandest sancastle I ever built. A little bit shabby, but I loved my sandcastle…so much. The sun started to set, and the tide began to inch its way in. Afraid that I was going to lose my beautiful sandcastle, I scooped more sand to build embankments. But the tide was too strong, and I saw my glorious sandcastle give way segment by segment, until all that was left was a heap of sand where it once stood. I turned to my God and wept. I said to Him, “I can never love another sandcastle as much as I loved this one. The next time we come back to the beach, can You help me build this very same sandcastle and not let the waves eat it?” My God smiled at me and merely said, “I love you.” He took my hand, and reluctantly I left the beach and what was once my beautiful sandcastle by the sea.…

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised. Job 1:21

IMPORTANCE

Help me God, to regard and treat everything and everyone as - not any less important than they are, and not any more important than they should be.

GLORIFYING GOD

Is it not alright to choose a path just because you like it to be so (as long as it is not prohibited in the Bible)? Does everything you choose have to directly glorify God? Doesn’t He take pleasure in our happiness? Or are we supposed to just pray “I would like this but Your will be done”, then just sit there and take whatever comes at you to be God’s will? If I lived on that principle I wouldn’t be here in Australia but in UK. Perhaps that was the best? Yes, it probably would have been better if I was in UK and not here.

"AND IF I PERISH, I PERISH"

I was watching a movie entitled One Night With The King, which depicted the story of the biblical Queen Esther. The part where an answer was demanded of Esther as to whether she would intercede on behalf of the Jews was particularly moving, and somewhat nostalgic. To see the very famous verses come alive on screen...

"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" Esther 4:14

Esther then bade the Jews to fast, after which she will go to the king unsummoned, eventhough it was against the law, the penalty of which was death unless the king held out his sceptor to spare the lawbreaker's life. And there was a 15 seconds pause, before Esther said those very words (and I waited, not knowing if they would come, but surely she must say it!)...."And if I perish, I perish".

Why was I so stirred by those words? I guess because it reflected absolute trust and surrender to the will of the Almighty, something I'm not sure I could manage. I wonder if there would be a moment in my life worthy of those words? But even where I am, I'm afraid that a lot of times I remained silent when I shouldn't have. And the message is that if we remain silent then He will use someone else, and pass us by. Do I want to just let Him pass me by?

Absolute trust and surrender. I want to be able to say, "If I perish, I perish" in the little moments of everyday life. And who knows but that I have come to this island for such a time as this? Although I don't know why I'm here and feel continually lost.

LOST

Because there is no vision. Because the people and organizations that once inspired me are miles away. It is harder to follow God and not people.

Go where? Do what? When?

But at least I know Who, and sometimes why. :)

MY CALLING

Just realized something....that my calling is to serve my country at least till I'm 35. And if You do let me specialize in Australia...it would mean that You are calling me to serve my country till I'm at least...40plus! :)

(I am to be bonded to the Malaysian government for 10 years)

God is good... :)

TEN MORE YEARS

I have everything I could possibly dream of...I lack nothing I could possibly want. Yet it is human nature, to not be satisfied, to want more...
My identity is in Him. Yet I want my own identity....to be "my own person". That is my thorn in the flesh.
Is it un-Christian to want things for yourself? I suppose it is...

I want to be a JPA postgrad student...I want to specialize...and I am prepared to work for it, to work to be the top 8% of my class...no matter what it takes. I think that I will be satisfied when I am a JPA postgrad student. Will I? Am I ever? Will I really be prepared to give it all up when that happens? Or will I just want to be "more successful"?

Everything that I have comes from You, nothing that I have is mine. I know and acknowledge that. But still...

Sigh. Living my life as if I only have ten years more to go.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Prov16:9

I'M GOING TO MELBOURNE!

Still find it hard to believe that I'm going. :)

POTs

Calling all professionals of tomorrow...POTs Conference 2007!

Peaceheaven, Genting 12th - 16th Oct 2007

Pick up point: KL Sentral

At Peaceheaven: The coveted i lamp (i stands for identity, in training & impact)

Welcomes 3 tracks....

ToT's: Teachers of Tomorrow

HOT: Healthcarers of Tomorrow

(that's right, I'm HOT! :))

LoT's: Lawyers of Tomorrow

What's exciting?

Exposition on the book of Nehemiah by Bishop Hwa Yung!!

MIA: Missing in Action

Workshops & forum for each track

Games: Pingpong softball, tiga kaki futsal & dodgeball

Plenaries for each tract

Small groups(3 in 1) & Buzz groups(separate tracks)

More pics: curtesy of Timothy Cheng

Day 1 opening worship & challenge: Call to be professionals of tomorrow

Day 2 MIA: Missing grace

Are race relations any better after 50 years? Do we hear the call to love despite injustice and inequality?

Day 3 MIA: Missing Voices - Mock elections!

Registration

Officer playing solitare on laptop (No, I don't know why there's a kaunter diagnosis)

Where are our voices?

When the majority of citizens migrating are Christians...

When there has been 50 years of 'Islamization' and we are being increasingly pushed aside...

When we are shunning work in the government sector where our voices are most needed...

Are you willing to be a voice in Malaysia?

Where all our votes go

Day 4 MIA: Missing Presence

Broken families

"My family is broken....."

Will we be missing or present in restoration?

Day 4: Forum for HOT track

Day 5: Closing & passing on the baton (they made batons for all of us!)

Towards the cross...the many who have gone before us...

We had a great great camp!

Brought to you by:

FES!

Aren't they so glad that we're gone :)

My very own baton....& the town I'm to keep in prayers (one of the top towns in Malaysia where Christian presence is lacking)

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know....that if you missed out the 's' in blogspot (type: blogpot) or type blogpsot instead in the url, you'd be directed to a site that tells you about Bible prophecies being fulfilled and the end times with the sinner's prayer at the end of the page? I didn't. Not until today. Very cool. :)

THE DAY AFTER MSK

Question: What surgical option is there for a ligament tear?
My answer: Ligament graft (got such a thing ar? :P)
Real answer: Reconstruction

Well, there seems to be a graft for almost everything...

The past month has been almost a roller coaster ride: relocating back to my church in Shah Alam, pseudobreakups, trying very hard to keep my quiet time, being 'abducted' on the 22nd of August, gobbling up the whole of Isaiah, daily emails and never-arriving snail mails, memorising lots of bones and muscles and nerves, being rehabilitated from waffles, wondering when JPA will tell me which country to rank first, trying to memorise juniors names(...again), wondering where my car is, practicing my crapping skills, learning about Jeremiah who ran around naked most of the time(and a new word-'streaker'), surprising 'one zero' for her birthday, hating pork more and more cos the caterer keeps giving me pork, remembering that i have a blog....

Picture(s) of the year:

Being 'abducted' to midvalley

Did you know? I was 22 on the 22nd. :)

Got a very good bargain for doing this *haha*

Roller coaster going up again....when will the next descend be?

*MSK(musculoskeletal)

IT WILL PASS

A broken spirit and a contrite heart

You will not despise, You will not despise

You desire truth in the inward parts

A broken spirit and a contrite heart

Lord my heart is prone to wander

Prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart Lord

Lord take and heal it

Seal it for Your courts above

When my spirit grows faint within me, it is You who know my way. Ps142:3

It will pass....

Whom have I in heaven but You? There is nothing on Earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail; but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever. Ps73:25-26

MORE THAN WATCHMEN WAIT FOR THE MORNING

Sometimes the company we have are not what we would have them to be…but life is like that. Like how we can’t choose the family we are born into (but I’m happy with my family la), we can’t choose the company we prefer….or else we wouldn’t need to learn how to love…

‘I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.’ Ps 130:5-6

When He comes…I will no longer struggle with sin and guilt, and loving people will be effortless. For now, I strive on still…but never without His strength and mercy. This is my hope….that that day will come…

‘….put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with Him is full redemption.’ Ps 130:7

In my loneliness I look to You still….more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning….

Yesterday i got a card with the verse:

"...Rejoice in all the good things the Lord your God has given to you..."Deut 26:11

(missing people and feeling so left behind...)

.......

The tears I’ve shed the past few months can overflow a bath tub…funny huh?(fakes a laugh). Like small kid only...everytime cry…
I prayed that You would change me, to be the person You want me to be…no matter what it takes….yet I complain when You answer prayers…
How can I learn so many things at once? To respect leaders I naturally don’t, to obey when I don’t believe in what they say, to open up to people who can be not-so-sensitive, to reach out when I’m already struggling just to enjoy company…(just a few of the many, I’m sure there are lots more)
Then people around me can be divided into two groups mostly…those who say “Why you can’t just obey?” and those who say “It’s okay, you don’t have to…” I wish there was someone who would just be there and not say anything….IMU can be such a lonely place….

LOOK TO HIM

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin. Hebrews 4:15

The International Standard Bible Encyclopedia puts it nicely enough :
Over against a sinful world He stands as a Saviour who is Himself without sin. His is the one life in humanity in which is presented a perfect knowledge and unbroken fellowship with the Father, undeviating obedience to His will, unswerving devotion under the severest strain of temptation and suffering to the highest ideal of goodness.

Wow. Sometimes it seems that I know You…other times, it seems that You’re above comprehension and everything imaginable to me…What kind of a person are You?

I’m feeling better…

I'm so tired of everything....

WHO AM I? TELL ME WHY?!

Why do I feel this way? Is there something wrong with me? These questions have plagued me for months. Only yesterday, in frustration, I wailed to God, “I can’t understand myself! You created my inmost being…” Today, God spoke.

The NEO Inventory
No, this has nothing to do with the matrix. The NEO inventory is a copyrighted personality test (meaning you have to pay to take it) that measures differences among normal (I am normal) people and gives an idea of what makes an individual unique in his/her ways of thinking, feeling and interacting with others.
The reason why I could take this test without paying was because IMU CF got hold of our behavioral science lecturer in IMU to give a workshop on discovering our gifts and talents.
It measures five domains: openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness and neuroticism (emotional reactivity/stability). My score sat in the very low range for extraversion and below outside the very low range for agreeableness in females.
Yes, I am introverted, reserved, serious and prefer to be alone or with a few close friends. And yes, I am hardheaded, skeptical, proud and competitive. However, I DO NOT tend to express my anger directly as my results show, and I AM NOT hostile like what my JPA psychoanalysis says. Rather, I avoid. Actually it may be because if I don’t then I’ll express my anger directly la, but so far I’ve always avoided (I am however starting to realize that avoiding may actually be worse).
So how does this translate into how I relate with people?
I am unconcerned. Unaffectionate (or rather don’t know how to be), solitary and self-sufficient.

However, my personality trait is not ‘who’ I am, it is merely ‘what’ I am.

After completing the test, the lecturer gave a short talk on how people value themselves and her own journey of discovering who she is.

Who am I? Am I a daughter? No, it is merely my role. Am I a student? No, it is merely my job. Am I a Chinese? No, it is merely my race. Who then, am I, outside all these?

On how people value themselves, there are those who say, “I am of value” because I achieve. Others…I am loved, I look good, I am needed or I have power.
What makes you feel valuable? What happens when those things are taken away? Does it mean you cease to exist? Only if it defines who you are.
I feel that I am of value because…. I achieve and I am needed. So what happens when I don’t achieve? When I am not needed? Which explains why an A minus will never be good enough and I try to juggle a myriad of things; and I do incomprehensible acts like lend my car to others more often than I use it myself. Because it reinforces my value…All 6.6 billion people on earth may love me, but if I don’t achieve or am needed…I am of no value. On the other hand, if I do achieve and am needed, it doesn’t matter so much whether I am loved.

But yet, it is who I am that defines what I do, not what I do that defines who I am.

Who am I? I am a child of God, my identity is with Christ.
What is my value? Priceless, I am worth God’s only Son.

Why is it that I keep trying to define who I am by what I do? Is it not enough that I am a child of God? Or do I believe it can be earned or I can be more worthy of it? Or is it just because I am not as matured as I think I am, so much so that whether other’s think I’m a ‘good Christian’ matters a lot? Do I merely do things so that others will think that I’m a ‘good Christian’?

How far am I required to submit to authority? Even when it breaks me?
It breaks me because I have to be what I’m not, and that is hard. Because being ‘who’ I am requires that I be the complete opposite of ‘what’ I am.
Can I be both ‘what’ I am and ‘who’ I am? It’s obviously possible because others have managed…but at a price…
It breaks me because I fail again and again…I don’t achieve, therefore I am of no value. Because I do not achieve, I am not needed…again, I am of no value.
In CF, the focus is knowing who God is and who I am in Him…reaching out is complementary and secondary. If I were to tell CF that I managed to sit down with an unbeliever during lunch and chat, they’re all gonna go “Three cheers for Linda!” clap clap…clap clap clap X3 clap clap clap clap..clap clap….. instead of asking me whether I invited the person to CF. I am of value in CF.
The feeling that I get in church is quite the opposite. I am of no value…seems to be reinforced again and again.
Why do I feel this way? Is there something wrong with me?
Why am I still hanging on in my church when I feel that I am of no value there? Because I choose not to believe in a lie, regardless of how I feel. But I still feel how I feel after one whole year and I still feel uncomfortable. Somehow, talking about it seems to reinforce the ‘I am of no value feeling’. Is it my fault? I feel that it’s time I stop being a Martha in church and just be a Mary instead. I need it badly….

The NEO test says that for most individuals, personality traits tend to be very stable in adulthood. Unless one experiences major life changes or make deliberate efforts to change, it should apply throughout the adult life (although one might score somewhat differently).
Making deliberate efforts to change…is tiring. I feel hopeless…because it seems impossible. I feel lonely…because my personality trait makes it hard to open up and people may be judgmental and not so understanding when I actually do succeed to open up. I feel stressed…because expectations are more than I am capable of. I feel immature…because I keep feeling this way….

As Sarah Ong says…I am an imperfect person, living in an imperfect world…yet trusting a perfect God…who makes all things beautiful in it’s time.

For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Ps 139:13-14

So CF theme this month is really for me…and thanks CG people, for merely being there…Mummy is soooooo touched! (Actually, I’d prefer if they’d stop calling me that).

MY FEELINGS LIE

"Love is a choice, not a feeling..." Teach me to keep making that choice every single new day, no matter what my feelings say....

AT THE CROSS

Oh Lord You’ve searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me

Your Holy Presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me

You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me

At the Cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There’s no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done

And when the Earth fades
Falls from my eyes
And You stand before me
I know You love me
I know You love me

This song by Hillsong is dedicated to one of the great young men in their church, Jeremy Wong, who went to be with the Lord on 25th Feb 2006, to honor his life and thank God for the stand he made for Jesus Christ.

If everything was already done for me at the cross, then why do I still struggle? How far do I really believe? How much do I really understand? How well do I really know my God?

SPIRITUAL HYPOCHONDRIASIS

“I want to die…”
It’s just one of those times when you feel utterly defeated. You don’t want to talk about it, because every single word that comes out will ultimately serve to condemn yourself. There is no way to justify myself. I am guilty as charged, and that I know. But I am yet unrepentant. Hypochondriasis in layman terms is thinking that you are suffering from some sort to serious disease and becoming excessively obsessed with it. I’ve practically labelled myself with every negative label that I’ve heard from those referring to “not me but other Christians out there”. But they don’t know. That I am perhaps “indifferent, selfish, hypocritical…not wanting to change”. Basically, “someone you shouldn’t waste your time on.” Fact or spiritual hypochondriasis? Every single day I suspect more and more that it’s the former. I am indifferent, to the fact that preaching the gospel IS a commandment, selfish because I refuse to sacrifice my own comforts for the sake of making friends, living a double life….and the fact that I DO know, but yet refuse to change! No, frankly I’m not interested in leading outreach cell, (and I doubt whether anyone fit to be a CG leader ever says anything like this)….I’m tired of struggling, of being the ideal Christian, the ideal disciple, the ideal church member….i give up! I don’t wan’t to struggle anymore! I’m happy the way my life is….am I? Could I really be?
“A Christian who isn’t struggling is a dead Christian”. So in essence when I say that “I don’t want to struggle anymore”, I am actually saying “I want to die…”
Therefore I can't say such things....ever.
Who am I that You are mindful of me?
(And I’m glad that there is One who never gives up on me even if I and everyone else does…including myself!)