BURDEN OR PRIVILEGE

When I was a student, the question, "What do you want to do in life?" or "Where do you see yourself in _ years" was always welcomed, and answered with a certain dreamy eyed pleasure.

Now more than halfway through working life, I'd always hate it whenever someone (or even me) asks myself the very same questions.

Why do the possibilities seem narrower eventhough I sort of 'have it all'?

And I plough through life rather joyessly and with downcast eyes? No more idealistic or seeing any point in dreaming of possibilities.

There was a time when I thought that everything was possible, if only you really wanted it and worked for it with dogged determination. Well, real life has certainly proved me wrong - we're really no more in control of our destinies than the grass that is here today and gone tomorrow.

And I've come to realize that there are two things in this world that I would give almost anything for - being with people I love and playing - both of which are sort of denied to me right now, by the burden of responsibility.

Burden of responsibility or is it really the privilege of responsibility?

HEY GOD

Hey God... do You know what You're doing with my life? Coz I don't.

SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL

What I get from my reflection isn't what I thought I'd see.
Give me reason to believe you'd never keep me incomplete.
Will you untie this loss of mine, it easily defines me.
Do you see it on my face.
That all I can think about is how long
I've been waiting to feel you move me.

Close my eyes and hold my heart.
Cover me and make me something.
Change this something normal into something beautiful...

When the gulf between what I am and what I want to be just seems to get bigger and bigger.

I am tired of reading and not living.

A NEW START

I am sorry for these months of discontentment and a chasing after 'all these things', forgetting that You know I need them; also forgetting that I need You more than life itself.

Bring back to me that childlike amazement of all Your doings within and around me.

Help me once again be at rest, knowing that I have a Father in heaven who watches over me and provides for all my needs.

Lets start afresh.

"... for your love is more delightful than wine." Songs 1:2

Yes, I will delight in You.

NO MORE, NO LESS

I am like someone who has lost a big part of myself and not have anything to replace what I have lost.

I no longer have exams to study for and a graduation to look forward to.
I no longer have to attend music practices and play guitar in church.
I no longer am expected to attend OCF or my church's girl's prayer meet.
I no longer can hang out with my friends in the city whenever and however.
I no longer can introduce myself as a Medical Student.

And somehow, being able to say "I'm the doctor looking after you today", the big pay that I get every second Wednesday, having a car of my own... just falls so far below making up for what I lost (and am losing) in this transition.

But I am concious that when I leave this earth too, I bring none of my titles or roles with me.

Who am I?

A student? A doctor? A good friend? A musician? A cell leader? Maybe even a full time church/religious organization worker, a wife, a mother... one day?

But as when I leave this earth, I will be and still be

a child of God Most High

No more, no less.

I WANNA SAY THANK YOU

When I first found out that I was going to go to Frankston to work last year, my mind was completely overwhelmed by how everything that needs to be done could possibly.... be done!

Yet, this past one month I have seen how God provides for me in each of my circumstances, with everything falling into place one by one.

Is it too much to say based on this one month, that this is gonna be a year of abundance?



Forgive me because sometimes I do forget, that I have a Father in heaven who's looking after me, no more further than a prayer away.

OF THANKSGIVINGS

"Today is hard, tomorrow will
Be harder still"...
Yet God has kindly placed between
A three-fold screen
Of sunset sky, sleep's downy wings,
And dawn that sings
That I may face with tranquil heart
Each day apart

Belle Chapman

For events and people who were, all that still is today, and tomorrow's new adventures that await...

I give thanks.

A LIFE OF APPRENTICESHIP

Christian discipleship is a process of paying more and more attention to God's righteousness and less and less to our own; finding the meaning of our lies not by probing our moods and motives and morals but by believing in God's will and purposes; making a map of the faithfulness of God, not charting a rise and fall of our enthusiasms.
~A long obedience in the same direction (Discipleship in an instant society), Eugene H. Peterson

Christianity and medicine are similar in this: both are based on a life of apprenticeship. But they are different in this: that while in medicine one begins to develop more and more confidence in one's own capabilities over time, in Christianity one develops only more and more confidence in the Master; that while in Medicine you come to depend less and less on your superiors and more on yourself in the training, in Christianity you come to depend more and more upon the Master and less on yourself.

EQUATIONS IN THE NIGHT

This holiday is rather boring because I'm not attending my Indonesian church's cell group or the Manipal College CF. I figured that my holiday is too short and I'm away from Malacca two weekends anyway to be able to properly connect... so unlike the last holiday where I had plenty of time. Sigh.

I've been having melancholic insomnias for the past two weeks or so.

Boredom + no WAH cell + still missing Mr. A = melancholic insomnia.

Where's God in the equation?? Nothing balances very much when I don't know where You are in my equations...

Anyway, I received an email from the University of Melbourne stating that my average aggregate is 70. But hey, I still fall within the middle one third of my class! (Albeit the lower portion of that middle one third). For what it's worth, I don't regret the time that I spent playing in the music ministry or spending time with the people important to me whenever I could, coz I really don't know when's the next time I ever get to serve in the music ministry anymore or stay out late with friends on a whim.

Growing up isn't very 'fun'.... XD

Hold my hand and walk with me...

Jadilah terang bagi jalan-jalan ku.

JOY

I want joy.... not the cheap kind that is offered by entertainment or even friendships, that lasts only a moment - but a joy that comes from You.

MORE QUESTIONS

Coming back for the second time to my Indonesian church here... I sometimes have a feeling that I want to stay - I want to wave my hands in the air singing, "Engkau baik" and clap to "Hatiku percaya", I want to read from my hardly touched Alkitab, and I want to get to know these people whose culture are so different from mine yet make me feel so comfortable all the same. And not to mention I think that there are 'cables' here that they can help me pull to get into Hospital Besar Melaka! But they're pentecostal... and I'm not exactly 100% comfortable with pentecostal theology anymore...

I wonder when I'll really come back... the longer I stay, the harder it'll be.

And where's my Indonesian guy??? >.< Ngapain kau ga muncul-muncul lagi??

A NURTURING SPIRIT

When I stayed with my previous housemates in my first year of Melbourne life, I remember picking up one of their books one day, entitled 'Being a nurturing woman of God' or something along those lines, and thought to myself, "Why would anyone want to read a book on being nurturing"?

Right now I'm thinking to myself, "Gee, that would have been a good book to read."

Throughout this year, I have been surrounded by numerous women that I would have labeled as particularly having 'a nurturing spirit', from a cell mate to my good friends to my current Ibu-s (mums) and Kak-s (big sisters). But of course, the 'Most nurturing woman of the year' award goes to the intern that I was paired up with during my General Medicine rotation.

Coming back to my Indonesian church in Melaka, I am reminded again of how nurturing the women here are - talking to the Pastors wife (whom we all call Ibu, as with every other 'more matured' women) for just 3 mins, I can feel her nurturing spirit oozing all over me! I honestly think that the tradition of calling all the older women Ibu-s and Kak-s has a lot to do with it - every single time you speak to a younger woman, you are reminded by her salutation that you have a responsibility to care for her as a mother her daughter, and as an elder sister her younger ones.

Thank You for all these women that You have put in my life this year. May I too, have and learn to develop this nurturing spirit, that I give proper care to those You have entrusted to me as younger (or even older) sisters and mums.

Year 2010
Loving being with people: CHECK
Having a nurturing spirit: WORK IN PROGRESS

MORNING WONDERINGS

Quiet times these days has been times of weeping before the Lord... of hurts that weren't fully rid of in the busyness and happening-ness of Melbourne life.

Was there something more that I could have done that could have changed things? Feels like the closure I need is just a "no" to that question.

I need to be reminded again, that You are my knight in shining armor - You came for me.

THE DETOUR

As I told my friend that day in KL, " Five years ago, I would have thought that right now I'd be engaged to my ex and returning to work in Malaysia." Well, my life has taken a sort of detour it seems!

It's scary, because it seems like I really don't know where I'm going, or how I'm getting to wherever it is I'm going.

But Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth and the life.." So, I need not know where exactly I'm going, or how I'm getting there, only to walk daily with Him who is the Way.

'THE-ONE-SHE-CAN'T-FORGET'

I just watched the Social Network a couple of days ago, a movie about the story of how Facebook came to be. Mark Zuckerberg is now the youngest billionaire, yet, in the movie, it wasn't about the money. He is depicted in the final closing scene as sitting in front of his laptop, re-refreshing the page, to see if his ex has accepted his 'friend' request on facebook.

Some people add as friends those they cannot forget, and others... de-friend, in hopes that they might forget.

One such person who de-friended 'the-one-she-can't-forget' on facebook asked some guy friends today if she should tell 'the-one-she-can't-forget' that she deleted and blocked him face to face, by text or by email. To her puzzlement, her guy friends said to her, "Why the need to tell? Just leave it be!", especially since her female friends thought strongly that she should tell, and even explain why.

The reason given by Guy1 was that 'the-one-she-can't-forget' might think that she is trying to elicit a response from him. Oops! That thought never occurred to her before! Yet, women do subconciously what they do not intend to do conciously - therefore, I cannot say that her intentions were completely... 'honest'.

Then Guy1 said something completely profound: "...that is why girls always think that guys don't care, and guys are perpetually frustrated by what girls do." (In regards to the differences in opinion as 'to tell' or 'not to tell', by female and guy counterparts)

Well, so the consensus is, that she should not tell or explain... but leave be - the fact that she deleted, and blocked 'the-one-she-can't-forget' on facebook.

And the fact that she still thinks that he is the MOST AMAZING guy she has ever met, so far. I guess some things, are better never said.

OF DRAPINGS AND CLOSINGS

I've been wondering... that in movies, when people vacate houses, there's always a draping of furnitures and the necessity of walking down the hallway and of closing all doors within the place. Why such extravagance?

Similarly, when a person departs from life, there is a manual closing of the eyelids and a draping of the face. But of course, here, it's the least we do to honor the dead.

Is there something that happens with the draping and the closing?

When I first stepped onto Melbourne soil, I told myself to be ready to depart at completion of my medical degree in three years. But, lots of things have changed since then. I too, am quite a different person compared to the girl who alighted from the plane at the start of 2008.

Life can be quite unpredictable.

Melbourne has been a very memorable place of passing [metaphor disclaimer!], and as such, it is difficult to let go. I am reminded that at the end of 2008, I sung too,"This world's not my home, I'm just passing through.

The time has finally sped by, and I now find myself at the end of my beginning. In comparison with most of my batchmates, I don't exactly feel relieved that I'm almost done with exams, nor do I think graduation day will be a joyful one for me...

For... I am walking through the hallway... draping and closing doors.

We drape and close doors to acknowledge how much something meant to us, to take in the last view and to imprint the image of what-was in our minds; and at the same time hoping that what is draped or closed would be preserved not only in memory but also in real life. By the doing, we also indicate and remind ourselves that we are willfully moving on and closing a chapter in our lives.

[and here I go with my emo-ness again...]

I am draping and closing doors one by one.

And when I come to the door that is OCF... there I will stand the longest.

I never thought that there'd be a bunch of people with whom I can be more 'myself', than I am when I'm on my own; or have friends who loved me enough to ambush me twice on my birthday then make a music video out of it; people to camp in the library with and play poker/boardgames till the wee hours of the morning. Not to mention all the other crazy and fun things!

I have laughed so much more in the limited time that I've spent with them, compared to the past 22 years of my life combined before I arrived in Melbourne.

Definately one hard door to close!

Ah, and there's also that one other door that I've left slightly ajar still. The final clicking of the door can be such a hard one.

WAKE ME UP WHEN NOVEMBER ENDS

[Elijah] came to a broom tree, sat under it and prayed that he might die.... Then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep. 1 Kings 19:4-5

Sometimes I feel like I'm like Elijah who ran into the desert to hide, and threw for himself a pity-party under a tree.

But yet, even in the desert I find:

A Rose of Sharon.

Yellow little flowers of friendship.

Poetry and songs.

Even voices singing out of tune.

Lord, do not leave me desolate. If I look for a tree where I can sit down and feel sorry for myself, burn it up so I can sit under Your withering gaze and examine my self-pity for what it is.
Gentle Darkness, Rowland Croucher

THE END OF THE BEGINNING

Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.
Ps 77:19


In real life I don't appreciate beaches and sunrises/sunsets as much as other girls that I know. But somehow, they do feature quite prominently in my reflective and metaphoric writings.

A 'quote' that I sort of came up with sometime this year goes like this:"You are the sea, and I am a beach. Mighty waves sweep over me, whenever and however You want; over rocks, sandcastles and waste - leave no part of me untouched." That is what I am trying to depict in this reflective sketch.

On the beach, is everything that I hold dear this year and typifies me - the guitar that gives me identity and expression; the sandcastle of career aspirations, my plans and life goals; the traced heart of a hope never come to pass; and in the midst of those, little yellow flowers of friendship that amazingly, grew on beach soil.

This year has been a year of learning to surrender what I want, my meagre hopes and dreams and plans, so that His may take the place of mine. To be really honest, I still do sometimes ask Him, "Why?". But I shall leave Him to answer those in His own ways and time.

The challenge at the end of this year is to walk the path through the sea, to reach a destination that I cannot yet see and know not where; I only know His promises, that it is a 'land flowing with milk and honey'. And this He has reminded me:

"The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place."
Deut 1:30-31

It is the verse of comfort that is written on a background of high and terrifying waves.

And the cycle of sunsets and sunrises, are reminders to me of His abundant grace - that He never fails to supply with every sunset and sunrise of my days, or seasons, or years.

Thus begins, the end of my beginning.

Help me, Lord, to get my priorities right, so that the busy burden of this time may be turned into blessing.