I WANNA SAY THANK YOU

When I first found out that I was going to go to Frankston to work last year, my mind was completely overwhelmed by how everything that needs to be done could possibly.... be done!

Yet, this past one month I have seen how God provides for me in each of my circumstances, with everything falling into place one by one.

Is it too much to say based on this one month, that this is gonna be a year of abundance?



Forgive me because sometimes I do forget, that I have a Father in heaven who's looking after me, no more further than a prayer away.

OF THANKSGIVINGS

"Today is hard, tomorrow will
Be harder still"...
Yet God has kindly placed between
A three-fold screen
Of sunset sky, sleep's downy wings,
And dawn that sings
That I may face with tranquil heart
Each day apart

Belle Chapman

For events and people who were, all that still is today, and tomorrow's new adventures that await...

I give thanks.

A LIFE OF APPRENTICESHIP

Christian discipleship is a process of paying more and more attention to God's righteousness and less and less to our own; finding the meaning of our lies not by probing our moods and motives and morals but by believing in God's will and purposes; making a map of the faithfulness of God, not charting a rise and fall of our enthusiasms.
~A long obedience in the same direction (Discipleship in an instant society), Eugene H. Peterson

Christianity and medicine are similar in this: both are based on a life of apprenticeship. But they are different in this: that while in medicine one begins to develop more and more confidence in one's own capabilities over time, in Christianity one develops only more and more confidence in the Master; that while in Medicine you come to depend less and less on your superiors and more on yourself in the training, in Christianity you come to depend more and more upon the Master and less on yourself.

EQUATIONS IN THE NIGHT

This holiday is rather boring because I'm not attending my Indonesian church's cell group or the Manipal College CF. I figured that my holiday is too short and I'm away from Malacca two weekends anyway to be able to properly connect... so unlike the last holiday where I had plenty of time. Sigh.

I've been having melancholic insomnias for the past two weeks or so.

Boredom + no WAH cell + still missing Mr. A = melancholic insomnia.

Where's God in the equation?? Nothing balances very much when I don't know where You are in my equations...

Anyway, I received an email from the University of Melbourne stating that my average aggregate is 70. But hey, I still fall within the middle one third of my class! (Albeit the lower portion of that middle one third). For what it's worth, I don't regret the time that I spent playing in the music ministry or spending time with the people important to me whenever I could, coz I really don't know when's the next time I ever get to serve in the music ministry anymore or stay out late with friends on a whim.

Growing up isn't very 'fun'.... XD

Hold my hand and walk with me...

Jadilah terang bagi jalan-jalan ku.

JOY

I want joy.... not the cheap kind that is offered by entertainment or even friendships, that lasts only a moment - but a joy that comes from You.

MORE QUESTIONS

Coming back for the second time to my Indonesian church here... I sometimes have a feeling that I want to stay - I want to wave my hands in the air singing, "Engkau baik" and clap to "Hatiku percaya", I want to read from my hardly touched Alkitab, and I want to get to know these people whose culture are so different from mine yet make me feel so comfortable all the same. And not to mention I think that there are 'cables' here that they can help me pull to get into Hospital Besar Melaka! But they're pentecostal... and I'm not exactly 100% comfortable with pentecostal theology anymore...

I wonder when I'll really come back... the longer I stay, the harder it'll be.

And where's my Indonesian guy??? >.< Ngapain kau ga muncul-muncul lagi??

A NURTURING SPIRIT

When I stayed with my previous housemates in my first year of Melbourne life, I remember picking up one of their books one day, entitled 'Being a nurturing woman of God' or something along those lines, and thought to myself, "Why would anyone want to read a book on being nurturing"?

Right now I'm thinking to myself, "Gee, that would have been a good book to read."

Throughout this year, I have been surrounded by numerous women that I would have labeled as particularly having 'a nurturing spirit', from a cell mate to my good friends to my current Ibu-s (mums) and Kak-s (big sisters). But of course, the 'Most nurturing woman of the year' award goes to the intern that I was paired up with during my General Medicine rotation.

Coming back to my Indonesian church in Melaka, I am reminded again of how nurturing the women here are - talking to the Pastors wife (whom we all call Ibu, as with every other 'more matured' women) for just 3 mins, I can feel her nurturing spirit oozing all over me! I honestly think that the tradition of calling all the older women Ibu-s and Kak-s has a lot to do with it - every single time you speak to a younger woman, you are reminded by her salutation that you have a responsibility to care for her as a mother her daughter, and as an elder sister her younger ones.

Thank You for all these women that You have put in my life this year. May I too, have and learn to develop this nurturing spirit, that I give proper care to those You have entrusted to me as younger (or even older) sisters and mums.

Year 2010
Loving being with people: CHECK
Having a nurturing spirit: WORK IN PROGRESS

MORNING WONDERINGS

Quiet times these days has been times of weeping before the Lord... of hurts that weren't fully rid of in the busyness and happening-ness of Melbourne life.

Was there something more that I could have done that could have changed things? Feels like the closure I need is just a "no" to that question.

I need to be reminded again, that You are my knight in shining armor - You came for me.

THE DETOUR

As I told my friend that day in KL, " Five years ago, I would have thought that right now I'd be engaged to my ex and returning to work in Malaysia." Well, my life has taken a sort of detour it seems!

It's scary, because it seems like I really don't know where I'm going, or how I'm getting to wherever it is I'm going.

But Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth and the life.." So, I need not know where exactly I'm going, or how I'm getting there, only to walk daily with Him who is the Way.

'THE-ONE-SHE-CAN'T-FORGET'

I just watched the Social Network a couple of days ago, a movie about the story of how Facebook came to be. Mark Zuckerberg is now the youngest billionaire, yet, in the movie, it wasn't about the money. He is depicted in the final closing scene as sitting in front of his laptop, re-refreshing the page, to see if his ex has accepted his 'friend' request on facebook.

Some people add as friends those they cannot forget, and others... de-friend, in hopes that they might forget.

One such person who de-friended 'the-one-she-can't-forget' on facebook asked some guy friends today if she should tell 'the-one-she-can't-forget' that she deleted and blocked him face to face, by text or by email. To her puzzlement, her guy friends said to her, "Why the need to tell? Just leave it be!", especially since her female friends thought strongly that she should tell, and even explain why.

The reason given by Guy1 was that 'the-one-she-can't-forget' might think that she is trying to elicit a response from him. Oops! That thought never occurred to her before! Yet, women do subconciously what they do not intend to do conciously - therefore, I cannot say that her intentions were completely... 'honest'.

Then Guy1 said something completely profound: "...that is why girls always think that guys don't care, and guys are perpetually frustrated by what girls do." (In regards to the differences in opinion as 'to tell' or 'not to tell', by female and guy counterparts)

Well, so the consensus is, that she should not tell or explain... but leave be - the fact that she deleted, and blocked 'the-one-she-can't-forget' on facebook.

And the fact that she still thinks that he is the MOST AMAZING guy she has ever met, so far. I guess some things, are better never said.

OF DRAPINGS AND CLOSINGS

I've been wondering... that in movies, when people vacate houses, there's always a draping of furnitures and the necessity of walking down the hallway and of closing all doors within the place. Why such extravagance?

Similarly, when a person departs from life, there is a manual closing of the eyelids and a draping of the face. But of course, here, it's the least we do to honor the dead.

Is there something that happens with the draping and the closing?

When I first stepped onto Melbourne soil, I told myself to be ready to depart at completion of my medical degree in three years. But, lots of things have changed since then. I too, am quite a different person compared to the girl who alighted from the plane at the start of 2008.

Life can be quite unpredictable.

Melbourne has been a very memorable place of passing [metaphor disclaimer!], and as such, it is difficult to let go. I am reminded that at the end of 2008, I sung too,"This world's not my home, I'm just passing through.

The time has finally sped by, and I now find myself at the end of my beginning. In comparison with most of my batchmates, I don't exactly feel relieved that I'm almost done with exams, nor do I think graduation day will be a joyful one for me...

For... I am walking through the hallway... draping and closing doors.

We drape and close doors to acknowledge how much something meant to us, to take in the last view and to imprint the image of what-was in our minds; and at the same time hoping that what is draped or closed would be preserved not only in memory but also in real life. By the doing, we also indicate and remind ourselves that we are willfully moving on and closing a chapter in our lives.

[and here I go with my emo-ness again...]

I am draping and closing doors one by one.

And when I come to the door that is OCF... there I will stand the longest.

I never thought that there'd be a bunch of people with whom I can be more 'myself', than I am when I'm on my own; or have friends who loved me enough to ambush me twice on my birthday then make a music video out of it; people to camp in the library with and play poker/boardgames till the wee hours of the morning. Not to mention all the other crazy and fun things!

I have laughed so much more in the limited time that I've spent with them, compared to the past 22 years of my life combined before I arrived in Melbourne.

Definately one hard door to close!

Ah, and there's also that one other door that I've left slightly ajar still. The final clicking of the door can be such a hard one.

WAKE ME UP WHEN NOVEMBER ENDS

[Elijah] came to a broom tree, sat under it and prayed that he might die.... Then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep. 1 Kings 19:4-5

Sometimes I feel like I'm like Elijah who ran into the desert to hide, and threw for himself a pity-party under a tree.

But yet, even in the desert I find:

A Rose of Sharon.

Yellow little flowers of friendship.

Poetry and songs.

Even voices singing out of tune.

Lord, do not leave me desolate. If I look for a tree where I can sit down and feel sorry for myself, burn it up so I can sit under Your withering gaze and examine my self-pity for what it is.
Gentle Darkness, Rowland Croucher

THE END OF THE BEGINNING

Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.
Ps 77:19


In real life I don't appreciate beaches and sunrises/sunsets as much as other girls that I know. But somehow, they do feature quite prominently in my reflective and metaphoric writings.

A 'quote' that I sort of came up with sometime this year goes like this:"You are the sea, and I am a beach. Mighty waves sweep over me, whenever and however You want; over rocks, sandcastles and waste - leave no part of me untouched." That is what I am trying to depict in this reflective sketch.

On the beach, is everything that I hold dear this year and typifies me - the guitar that gives me identity and expression; the sandcastle of career aspirations, my plans and life goals; the traced heart of a hope never come to pass; and in the midst of those, little yellow flowers of friendship that amazingly, grew on beach soil.

This year has been a year of learning to surrender what I want, my meagre hopes and dreams and plans, so that His may take the place of mine. To be really honest, I still do sometimes ask Him, "Why?". But I shall leave Him to answer those in His own ways and time.

The challenge at the end of this year is to walk the path through the sea, to reach a destination that I cannot yet see and know not where; I only know His promises, that it is a 'land flowing with milk and honey'. And this He has reminded me:

"The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place."
Deut 1:30-31

It is the verse of comfort that is written on a background of high and terrifying waves.

And the cycle of sunsets and sunrises, are reminders to me of His abundant grace - that He never fails to supply with every sunset and sunrise of my days, or seasons, or years.

Thus begins, the end of my beginning.

Help me, Lord, to get my priorities right, so that the busy burden of this time may be turned into blessing.

WHAT IS SHUT & WHAT IS OPEN

I'm now exactly one month away from my (impossible-to-fail)finals, and exactly 3 months away from the start of my working life.

At this moment there are still a number of things that need to fall into place, and lessons in letting go continue as usual (blame me the slow-learner).

I want to stay, to keep the friendships I have built, to continue serving in a church I have grown comfortable with, to walk down familiar streets and to maintain status quo.

But what I want, I know full well, will not be the best for me. If I had my way in the many things that I asked God for in the past one year, many things that I treasure right now would never have had the opportunity to blossom. It is true, "Some doors have to be shut tight for others to be thrown wide open."

I admit, there are doors this day, that I still sometimes hope will reopen; but I do not sit and wait outside those doors. No, I move on, though still glancing back once in a while to check that there isn't a door that has become somehow slightly ajar.

You are God, and I am not. And You have proven Yourself in my past to know what's best and to bring out the best.

Yet, why do I still fear and not trust with all my heart? That as Ps Sunny said to me, "I feel that God is going to do a wonderful thing in your life, in a new area that He is bringing you to." What does it take to have unswerving faith in a God who has never failed me? (Does that not sound like an oxymoron?)

Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place."

In spite of this, you did not trust in the LORD your God, who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go.

Deuteronomy 1:29-33

Faith, like love, does not have its origin in us but in God; yet, still is - a choice.

You go before me, in fire by night and in a cloud by day.

TIME IS NOT ROUND!

It was one of those rare occassions that I agreed to lunch with some of my coursemates at a restaurant called 'Grumpy Green' in Fitzroy. As the sun was up and breeze cold upon my face (my perfect sort of day), I walked the 30 mins instead of tramming, eventhough I did have a validated tram card. The walk just made me wonder again - why do people take trams when they could just as easily have walked?

Ever noticed perfect blend of yellow and green and crimson amongst the canopy of trees? Or the way the slightly-greyish clouds are layered and folded against the backdrop of clear blue sky? Or the way the sunlight flickers through leaves that are nature's own windchimes?

Some think that time is a circle - what is now present, has already been before and will be again this time of the season next year, or on such a day as this when it next comes around. But, in a sense, what has been will never be the same again in exactly the same way - the leaves will never tinkle in that exact same pitch again, as that bird in that particular tree chirps in that exact tone, against that greyish hue of clouds in that same detailed fold, as the wind sweeps the fringe of my hair in that annoying way in that exact direction and movement... know what I'm saying?

But it doesn't matter to us, nor do we dwell on them... because these things mean nothing more than passing beauty, and we never take any more notice of them after that one glance (normally).

I felt that day, as if God was saying to me, "Take notice! Because the things that are now, will never be in exactly the same way again."

Now don't spend every second of your time dwelling upon how nature is now, and will never be again. That is not what I meant to say! Rather, metaphorically (because I like metaphores) - what I meant to say was - that particular person will never laugh in that exact same tone again in response to that particular thing that you said, nor that other person so need that firm arm around them at that exact moment when they were thinking about that particular circumstance, or that one encounter with a stranger be the beginning of a rare and deep friendship of a lifetime.

TAKE NOTICE.

When I was in first year, I wanted to graduate so that I could get on with life. And now, I want to relive every moment, and sometimes wish that I'd have spent my time differently; but find that I can't.

Time is not an enemy to be killed. It is a gift to be used. It has to be used right now, because time is not a circle, it is a line. The face of a clock is round, seducing some people into believing that time is unlimited because it keeps going round, seducing some people into believing that time is unlimited because it keeps going round and round. If time is a circle, they think they will have another chance. The calendar is round, and some people think they will always have a chance to do next year what they have failed to do this year. Time is not round! Time is a line! Every second that passes flies off into space and is gone.

Oswald C.J. Hoffman, a sermon entitled 'The Gift of Time'

Father, times past that I have regretted because of unspoken words and inaction - I give to You, and for those that I have no regrets for, I thank You. For the time that is, I pray help me discern between what is best and what is good; and for the times that are to be, may I be a faithful steward and not let fear breed into regret.

When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart

(Tim Hughes - When the tears fall)

A QUARTER-SPIRITUAL LIFE CRISIS?

The clock continues ticking... and I now find myself in the 3rd week of my General Medicine rotation. After two months of embracing this nine to five daily routine, I can finally experientially say, "Working life is not easy." If I am not intentional about how I spend my time, my life will literally fall apart. The phrase, "Relationships are all about sacrifice", also, take on a completely new depth of meaning; and what more ministry (which seems to have taken almost a back seat right now).

And throughout this period there's this particular recurring feeling.

I feel GUILTY. Guilty that I choose OCF rather than Soup Van, and again, having lunch with OCF people rather than Street-E. Guilty that I've completely stopped going for church cell group and International Student Ministry corporate nights, because I want to gym with people who matter to me (who happen to be from my OCF cell group). Guilty that I've not spent much time (if any) with course mates or attended any of their gatherings. Guilty that I feel annoyed whenever someone I don't know that well asks for my time to hang out or catch up.

Of course, underlying that feeling of guilt are many other recurring feelings that are rather difficult to pinpoint, and often times confusing and perplexing as well. I guess this quarter-life crisis thing is still here to stay. Or is there more than just a quarter-life crisis? A quarter-spiritual life crisis???

And I have this other co-morbidity too: Lack of time to reflect.

Give me grace, give me mercy. For I am in a time of need.

GP LAND

I am now 3 weeks into my General Practice Rotation, and loving it.

You never know what's going to walk through the door each day. Yes, I get my fair share of muscle sprains, diabetes mellitus and chronic pain... but that's not what I meant.

Life is a wonderfully fragile thing, and yet so rich - with experiences, dreams, feelings, lessons and encouragements. Everyday for me is like a day watching autobiographic movies - some beautifully imperfect, others weirdly amusing, and still others, awe inspiring - all with one catch: the author is just sitting right in front of me.

I never know what autobiography will be told to me each day.

Medicine might not be so bad afterall, although about a quarter of the time I get the diagnosis and management plan wrong.

I've also met a Paediatrician in the refugee clinic who did some time in Malawi (South Africa), and a patient whose mum was a doctor in Zimbabwe for a few years and is now working on improving public health in developing countries. Suddenly, medicine don't seem so frustrating or limiting no more. I've always known this, but it just sinks in even more now - medicine can bring me places - places I want to be - and it's all very real.

So as I see patient after patient, nine to five, with the standard consultations and gluteal antipsychotic injections and even frustrating aged health assessments on over 75 year olds (arrgh)... I look forward to next year and the years thereafter (eventhough my prince charming is still nowhere in sight).

Medicine can bring me places, but I hope that I bring places more than just Medicine - let me bring them You.

EMOTIONS

Highs and lows.

Thrills and fears.

Shouting out and holding back.

And not much time to catch my breath...

Between selfless duty and selfish desire.

Yet knowing... I will not fall out of my seat...

Because He holds me firm.

ONLY YOU

There are many songs that I put on repeat because of the music rather than the words. This one by Brooke Fraser is one of the exceptions. Brooke Fraser must have written this one being inspired by reading C.S. Lewis (absolutely my favourite author!) The theme is somewhat similar to the first song that I wrote (Homeward Bound).

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

[CHORUS]
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
An avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

[BRIDGE]
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming

[C.S. Lewis Song - Brooke Fraser]

Learning to not only live but thrive upon these desires raging within me, knowing that nothing in this world can satisfy... only You (no matter how many times I may be deceived and think otherwise).