SENTUH HATIKU

In the times when I need an uplifting, Indonesian songs always manage to do what English songs cannot. This is a song by Maria Shandi.

BETAPA KUMENCINTAI

SEGALA YANG T’LAH TERJADI

TAK PERNAH SENDIRI JALANI HIDUP INI
SELALU MENYERTAI

BETAPA KUMENYADARI
DI DALAM HIDUPKU INI
KAU SLALU MEMBERI RANCANGAN TERBAIK

OLEH KARENA KASIH

REFF :
BAPA, SENTUH HATIKU, UBAH HIDUPKU
MENJADI YANG BAHARU

BAGAI EMAS YANG MURNI
KAU MEMBENTUK BEJANA HATIKU

BAPA, AJARKU MENGERTI SEBUAH KASIH

YANG SELALU MEMBERI

BAGAI AIR MENGALIR

YANG TIADA PERNAH BERHENTI

THE MIRACLE

Sometimes God doesn't come through for us exactly how we would like Him to. When we want Him to work a miracle in the midst of our despair, sometimes all that is offered is what was said to Paul.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor12:9-10

The greater the need, the greater the grace poured out; the one who is in greater need is in a better position to receive.

I am one who stands today as one who is in a better position to receive, and glad of it. Glad that I am weak, because then, I am also strong. Glad also, that through this, I learn the beauty and practice of utter dependence.

And as I stand, I am reminded of The Miracle - that a Man on a cross made this possible.

MY PORTION & VERY GREAT REWARD

The LORD said to Aaron, "You will have no inhritance in their land, nor will you have any share among them; I am your share and your inheritance among the Israelites." Num18:20

Perhaps at first glance to someone who is not familiar with the history of the Israelites or the Bible, he/she would ask, "Why? What did Aaron do wrong that he was not to have a portion of the promised land?" But it was not that Aaron did wrong, quite the contrary, Aaron and his family, the Levites, stood by God when the Israelites sinned by worshipping the golden calf (although the golden calf was Aaron's making as well). And so for this, they received something much better than land that will perish and pass away...their inheritance was to be God himself - He who remains the same and whose years will never end.

...the word of the LORD came to Abra(ha)m.., "Do not be afraid Abra(ha)m, I am your shield, your very great reward" Gen15:1

He is God my shield and my very great reward.

I cry to You O LORD, I say, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living." Ps142:5

He is God my refuge and portion in the land of the living.

...but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Ps73:26

He is God the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Heb13:5

And God who is my share and inheritance,

my shield and very great reward,

my refuge and portion in the land of the living,

the strength of my heart and my portion forever;

has said to me, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

Can I not be content whatever comes my way?

SECRET PLACES

It's funny how you find treasures when you linger. I went for another jog in the Fitzroy gardens today (when there were not many dogs around to distract me) and discovered quite a few beautiful "secret places". Paths that don't seem to lead anywhere revealed unexpected surprises when one takes time to explore them. One of them in particular, led to a wooden bridge over a man-made stream and two ponds, one with a greco-roman statue in the middle, and benches around the ponds to sit, totally shielded from outside view. The discovery of this place got me exploring the garden a bit more (and abandoning jogging). And I found many other beautiful places like the People's Path which is a monument surrounded by 10,000 bricks that were individually decorated by people from all walks of life. Wow.

It's funny how you find treasures when you linger, and this is true with many things in life.

True with gardens.

True with people.

True with God.

You are matchless, O Lord.

So our praise of You must rise above our humanity.

St Augustine, The Confessions

WISTFULNESS

Was jogging in Fitzroy Gardens and saw many dogs with their owners. Happy, tongue-out, jumpy, free-running dogs. I know that this will not be the kind of life I can live if I go back to Malaysia.

MY ROOM

Moving into a new place is tiresome. I have shifted three times in the past year! After all that shifting, I’m glad that I now have my very own room for the next two years. No more partially living out of the suitcase (metaphorically)! Besides the tiresome-ness of shifting, it is otherwise fun to have a new room – to painstakingly choose out a desk and chair at IKEA, then arranging all the furnitures, filling up my wardrobe neatly, pasting pictures, notes and cards from friends up on the wall just in front of my desk, and placing gifts and souveniers just in that right spot – everything to make my room homy, comfortable and beautiful. Only that I’ve forgotten one thing. Eventhough two years is a long time, it is nothing compared to eternity! I’m not staying here for good! One day I will have to pack up again, and stuff that I can’t carry back to Malaysia will be left behind.

Does that mean that I should not have done everything that I did? And camp in my room? (cos I’m a pilgrim mah...) Heavens, no! But rather to be reminded to decorate my forever home even more painstakingly (ie. to store up treasures in heaven), because when I finally move in….it will be for eternity. It will be good to be home at last, no more shiftings and packing and unpacking. Sigh.

So meanwhile, as I bask in the homy-ness, comfort and beauty of my new room, I remember –this world’s not home, I’m just passing through.

TWO WOLVES

One evening, a native grandfather was teaching his young grandson about the internal battle that each person faces. He said, "Son, there are two wolves struggling inside each of us. One wolf is vengeance, anger, resentment, self pity etc." And the young boy waited to hear what the other wolf was. The grandfather continued,"The other wolf is compassion, faithfulness, hope, truth and love etc". The young boy sat stunned thinking. Then he asked,"Which wolf wins, grandfather?" The old man replied," The one you feed."

Rev Dr. Sharon Watkins at National Prayer Service, USA


"You have to choose, there is no other choice...other than to choose." Ps Sunny Phillip


Making concious choices to feed the right wolf, everyday.

RELATIVE VALUES

My cell group leader's getting married next month.

So, for the first time in my 23 plus years of life, I bought..........eyeshadow.

Yup, that's right. I miraculously escaped all of my cousin's and aunt's (3 cousins & one aunt) wedding, and so far none of my friends are married yet. Also, I avoid balls like the plague (I'm not the sort who would spend RM80 or more for one night of fun, or rather, I was not the sort). But heck, my CGL's getting married!

Anyway, for the first time in my life, I discovered how expensive makeup is. I could have bought a book (definately more valuable than makeup!)! But oh well, a meal in Melbourne would have cost the same (ok la), so would a cinema ticket (sooo not worth it!). So yeah, eyeshadow is probably worth it, if just for the experience of owning my own eyeshadow, and putting on eyeshadow myself on my on lid.

Makeup is overrated.

Relative values : a book > eyeshadow=a meal > a cinema ticket

*but all cost the same money wise*

A MEDICAL ELECTIVE

I did an unofficial elective during this holiday period and somehow mistakenly understood that I needed to submit a report when actually what was meant was a report on me by my supervisor. Haha. The staff could have phrased their letter better! Since I already wrote everything (very nicely) out, I figured it should not go to waste and at least adorn my blog, eventho most people would have fallen asleep barely halfway through :D

"During the summer break of Dec 2008 – Jan 2009, I had the privilege to undertake a medical elective in my hometown of Melaka, Malaysia. Just being freshly introduced to the clinical side of medicine since six months ago, and also a little apprehensive of the day when I would return to work in Malaysia as an intern, I decided that it was best I had some exposure to medicine in one of the government hospitals here in Malaysia. Hence this unofficial elective.

I was posted to the male medical ward, which consists of 32 beds mostly laid out in cubicles with eight of these being devoted especially to nephrology (kidney) patients, and about a quarter of the remainder to the VIPs or ‘Very Infectious Patients’ – patients who had contracted blood borne viruses or TB (tuberculosis). One medical officer and two interns manned the ward (that’s one doctor per 32 patients!!). I was impressed by the medical officer’s dedication and how he opted to remain in government service with the heavy workload and relatively lower pay (very very rare!), when many have chosen to migrate to greener pastures either in the private sector or overseas (so very common), thus resulting in the ever-present shortage of doctors in public hospitals (whose fault izzit?). The two interns too in the same way were very helpful and always managed a smile even with the seven working days a week and 36 hour on-call shifts (I surely hope I’d be at least this good). Things certainly don’t look as bad as what is said about government service (or is it?).

My days were spent following the medical officer or intern as they made their rounds in the morning, clerking and examining patients and trying my hand at blood taking. Clinical signs were aplenty, many of which I’ve only read about in books but did not see in real life till now, everything from finger clubbing (don’t laugh all u non-medic people, it means club-shaped fingers, NOT fingers clubbing!) to massive splenomegaly (enlargement of spleen) across the midline. The commonest causes of admission were congestive cardiac failure (simply heart failure, but doctors like to make everything sound complicated) and chronic renal failure (again, simply kidney failure) associated with diabetes. Within the first week, questions like, “How far can you walk or how many flights of stairs can you climb? How many pillows do you sleep with at night? Do you wake up suddenly in the night gasping for breath?” were posed to many patients that I saw (to look for symptoms of heart failure). Of course, none of it in English, but rather in Malay when conversing with Malays or Indians, and Mandarin with Chinese patients. For someone who learnt it all in English for the past five years, there was much to learn even in simply conversing with patients *sob sob*.

Here in Malaysia, the greatest problem has always been, and will be still – patient or family education. Take for example, when one’s elderly father develops a hemiparesis (paralysed on one side of the body), it is common sense that one sends him to the hospital immediately instead of keeping him lying in bed at home for two weeks (so obviously stroke). Again, when one’s elderly father stops eating because of SOB (shortness of breath due to a variety of lung problems) for two weeks, one sends him into the hospital instead of watching him waste away at home (he was literally skin and bones when they brought him in!!). Blame it on lack of education? Or is it just the lack of care? Sigh.

On a lighter and more positive note, I have observed patient education conducted regularly in regards to the use of an inhaler, insulin injection, the diabetic diet, care of the HIV+ patient and the immobilized patient. Unfortunately, I have also noticed that patients and their family simply find these things difficult to grasp, and a lot of repetition and patience is required on the part of the doctors.

As I have mentioned earlier, quite a few HIV+ patients come into the wards, either with TB, PCP (Pneumocystic pneumonia) or Toxoplasmosis (a worm that grows in the brain- most of us have it, but our intact immune system renders it harmless). In addition to the management of HIV+ patients in the ward, I also had the privilege of sitting in on the HIV clinic in the afternoons. Before this, I personally found the statistics on the great number of HIV+ patients in Malaysia hard to believe because, well, I simply have never met someone who is HIV+. But being here in this ward and clinic has definitely opened my eyes. The numbers are real – the records on the shelves of the clinic are a testament to that fact. And simply observing HIV counseling being done day after day, too, made that fact sink in deeper.

Throughout my elective period, I found myself asking how life is valued. Is it valued based on one’s contributions to society or what one has done? Or does life have intrinsic value regardless? It is heartening that both the doctors here and the government seem to think that it is the latter, as HAART treatment (that controls but does not cure HIV) is completely subsidized by the government for life, unless the treatment fails due to the patient’s non-compliance. Even so, the budget for HAART last year has been exhausted well before time, and it will be the same this year as HIV+ patients keep pouring in. Perhaps the recent move by the government to screen Muslim couples before marriage is a good move, although in theory, it is an infringement of human rights (which is the lesser of two evils?).

Coming to the end of my elective, I have found that some of the horrors of Malaysian public system as is widely circulated, is true. For example, how sudden paraplegia that warrants an urgent MRI of the spine can be delayed for a week because it is not pushed for by a consultant. It is also quite interesting that the sole CT scan machine breaks down quite frequently. Hmmm (how to tell what type of stroke and treat?! Or access brain involvement in trauma?!). And lab results are always slow in coming and frequently sent to the wrong ward. But, in retrospect, there is also much to be proud of – the few select doctors who choose to remain in public service, trying in their own way to make a difference in this faulty system, giving their best despite a heavy workload and relatively low pay (I don’t want to work straight for 36 hours!:( ). I can only hope that I will not fall short of the standard that they have set when I come back to take my place in Malaysian society (Amen)."

ON MOURNING

We all go through a period of mourning at some part of our lives. Life comes with gains and losses, and when we lose something that meant a lot to us, we mourn. As the writer of Ecclesiastes says, there is a "time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance". We sometimes try to rush through the natural response of mourning, or worse still, reject it. We should all really learn to let mourning take its natural course. That way, most of us would end up with better healed wounds and less hideous scars. And also to learn to see that as with all seasons in life, a season of mourning brings its own specific gifts and lessons as well.

Other than the acknowledgment of the fact that one is in mourning, the act of mourning involves two other things as well - taking extra time off to be alone with God and also talking it over with friends when the need arises. All very natural right?

I have realized to a greater extent that all I need is God, when all I have is God; and of my utter dependency on Him; more so within mourning than outside of it. Also a new found greater appreciation of the Word, especially the prophets, and especially the book of Hosea, which talks about the exceeding tenderness of God, who in wrath remembers mercy, even to a people who continually breaks His heart and Covenant. Oh, and I was able to write a song too, something which I have never been able to do. Needless to say, some things are lost on us in the good times.
So too, there is a change in my relationships with people. It somehow becomes easier to forge closer bonds of friendship, perhaps because the state of mourning brings us into a more receiving and sharing mode, and causes us to more fully appreciate the extent of other people's pain. But to me, the most precious gift that I have received in this period is the slow molding of my heart into the heart of a woman - a heart that knows and appreciates the value of relationship, and is not afraid to build such relationships.

So we do not despise mourning, neither do we see it as a discouraging or negative experience, but one that is encouraging and positive, bringing us lessons and gifts to prepare us for both the weeping times and laughing times of our life. And all this is possible, only because we know that one day we will no longer mourn, but will be comforted; and that in the eternal scheme of things, there are no true losses, only gains.

THE CONTRADICTION THAT MAKES SENSE

My stray dog died on me when I was 11. I came back from my stay at grandma's to find that no dog came when I called. What I learnt? Strays are shot down. They die on you. Don't invest your heart in them. So I moved on, only to find that human friends are not that different. They don't stay for good either.

I got my first taste of it in college. Everyone always finds a clique in the first few days in school, everyone except me. I take awhile to warm up to people, more than awhile to forge bonds. Actually, about a year or more. By then, newly found kindred spirits would be separated. That's college life.

And likewise, I found university life no different, especially one that offers a twinning program. The same feeling of being alone again, and then, just when I begin to get close to people...puff! They disappear out of my life. Happened to me twice in fact. Once with seniors and once with my batch mates, plus the feelings of aloneness in between the two, mind you. Simply because I didn't see a need to strive to get close to my batch mates while I had my seniors who were easier to get close to.

Honestly it's really frustrating. So frustrating that I got quite desperate to marry the one guy I'm closest to. So that he wouldn't disappear out of my life, like everyone else (well, at least not until God decides to call him home). And now I am coming to grips with the fact that that guy too, will disappear out of my life, about one or two years from now, if not now. I won't try to deny that it's all very heartbreaking.

Which is why I try to keep in perspective that the world in its present form is passing away. It teaches me to hang on harder to God and looser to everything else. And, also on the other hand, to value everything more. Which is why I resolve to treat even people I'm not comfortable with right now as if they were already my kindred spirits(cos I never know if they might be); also to make the most of the relationships I have now, all the more so when I know that most will pass out of my life in the near future. I don't want to always look back, wishing that I'd spent more time with or valued this or that person more.

So it seems to me: to cling looser yet value more. Might sound like a contradiction to you, but makes a whole world of sense to me.

THIS IS LIFE

Am finding it quite funny, that I spent so much of my time studying, only to gain a certificate that will go into my folder and up the shelves, never to be touched or seen again till if ever, it becomes useful. On the other hand, I spent so little time(less than I should) with people whose pictures and handwritten messages adorn the very walls of my room. It's hilarious! In a pathetic way...this is life. *sigh*

BUT LIKE A DREAM

Sometimes I don't know what to make of my memories. Take away the pictures or the memorablias or the people who remind me that they were real and did happen, I would be fully convinced that they were but a dream, distant and foreign.

I wonder, at the end of our days on earth, wouldn't everything be as if it were a dream? Only, a dream that echos into and determines our place in reality/eternity. So one should take heed of how one lives. And I guess the other important thing is having dreams that are worth remembering.

For what it's worth, my memories are worth remembering, tho they be but like a dream to me even now.

GIFTS & GLORY

I have often asked God why I usually do well in exams. I mean sure, I study hard, but so do others. And the funniest part is that I think that I’m sort of ‘spiritual’ when I think like that.

“…nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving,” 1Tim 4:4

Who am I to reject God’s gift? To say to Him, “Oh no, thanks but I don’t need this. I only want You and what is eternal.” Seriously, to think that I am above the gifts that He chooses bless me with! And to think that in doing so I am sort of…humble, when actually it is rather prideful.

So it seems that I need to try harder to receive blessings with thanksgiving in my heart instead of thinking that I am above them.

Me : Doing well in exams is not a need (tho I’d probably be sad if I didn’t), but I give thanks to You, that somehow whether deserved or not, You just saw it fit to see to it that I always do well. So yeah, thanks. :)

And then perhaps God replies
God : Who said it was totally for you? It is for my glory as well!

Which is actually very true!

So to add to my pridefulness in not fully accepting God’s gifts with a thankful heart, I sometimes think too much of myself as well.

Yup, so shame on me! Haa... :D

A PRACTICE IN NOTICING

Someone told me that although we are not of this world and that the world in this present form is passing away, we are not to shun what is temporal, but to practice to notice what the temporal teaches us about the eternal.

Not to boast, but well, actually, that’s what I’ve always been doing! Perhaps not hard or frequent enough, but definitely no one can contest that I have always been a person in search of parallels.

Jesus was always one to portray the eternal through the ordinary and temporal. Think parables. Likewise too, the prophets – think metaphors. Paul...well Paul, does it to an extent, but not very much. Frankly, I think he has an underdeveloped right brain. Or rather perhaps because his readers, the Greeks, were not people that would appreciate such things.

So...today I was watching a Walt Disney animation, Dinosaur. Obviously, a story about dinosaurs. What can a story about dinosaurs teach us about the eternal? Seems quite farfetched, no relation whatsoever. Yet, it was a story that had many truths. A herd of dinosaurs were travelling through the desert to their nesting grounds. The conditions are harsh, water sparse, and worse still, they had to avoid predators – the flesh eating T-rexes. Woe to the dinosaur that doesn’t keep apace with the herd! A dinosaur separated from the herd is a dead dinosaur. But yet, because they stuck together and stuck-up for each other, they made it at last to the nesting grounds, T-rexes or not. It reminds me of our journey here as pilgrims, looking forward to our heavenly home. The journey is hard, and the forces of evil are real, but yet if we uphold each other and keep going together, we’ll make it. Especially since unlike in the story, we have a Leader who is perfect, has gone before us and is the Rock that gives us water.

Also today, I was knitting my scarf. Somehow, I come to appreciate how God feels when He made us, fearfully and wonderfully. How every stitch is important, and how proud one is of one’s creation when it is completed. Also how precious we His creation are to Him, and lastly, that we were made for a purpose...in a way too, to warm not necks, but hearts, especially that of the Maker.

So yeah, if one looks hard enough, one can usually find the eternal in the temporal.

Someone can please tell me what can we learn from arrhythmias about eternity? The only thing I’ve learnt so far is that like arrhythmias, we can never fully comprehend eternity. It is much too....complicated. But still we must prepare for them! :D

MARLEY & ME

Hmmm, I think...this is the first contemporary book that I like as much as my classic literature! (I usually only read classical literature cos unlike their contemporary counterparts, they are actually worth reading, non-abridged that is) It's a superbly written real life story about - as it says on the cover - life and love with the world's worst dog. But of course, even the world's worst dog has more to give than meets the eye.

As men wondered what was on God's mind when He made Eve, so I wonder what was on God's mind when He fashioned a dog. An animal like all others to rule over, yet, walks beside man as Eve does - indeed, lauded as men's best friend - and like Eve too, quite irreplaceable. What would the world be like without dogs?

So I thank You for dogs, although it would be quite some time before I can experience the joys of having one...but all in good time, Your time.

MISSING MELBOURNE

Well, to be more exact it is church that I miss, as it was church that opened my eyes to the beauty of that city. Without church, Melbourne would be just another city among the many cities that I've lived in, and there would not be anything to miss. It's funny, I've only been in Cross Culture for less than a year, and yet it seems as though I've always been in Cross Culture. As I said to Eu Pui, "My ideal church." Must sound really impressive to her. But really, it is family, spiritual family, that I don't have here in this city of Melaka where I really for real grew up. It feels rather alone, here. To think that I was saying the same thing about Melbourne only last year, but I guess cell and church really did grew on me. I would gladly trade places with Ee Leen *have a safe trip! :)* and fly back next week instead of in a month's time! So apparently, leaving Melbourne in two years time won't actually be as easy as I thought, as it means leaving the church, that, as best as I know.... I have always been in.

PEACE OF HEART

I have finally found peace, because I know with all my heart beyond a doubt that I would choose to be in the relationship. I can find plenty of rational reasons to not, but I have come to realize that none of them ever gave me peace of heart. It is not that I do not let go, because the peace is regardless of what happens and what the other person chose. There is no restlessness or clammering or ache that longs to be filled.

There is no right or wrong, as choosing to serve God with all one has over a relationship that hinders is really the best reason for a breakup, as best as there can be. Even at the very least, it is a fair reason.

So at last, I am at rest, eventhough what brings the other person peace is opposite to what brings me peace – we both have peace of heart now, and that is what matters. :)

MIND BOGGLING?

What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives (or friends or family) should live as if they had none; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things (or currency of accreditation) of this world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away. 1Cor 7:29-31, brackets mine.

I wonder, why does a theme that so often runs through the epistles sound so alien to me? How often is it that you realize that the world in its present form is passing away, and the time is short? What does Paul mean the time is short?? That was almost 2000 years ago. Does he mean that our lifespan is short to accomplish what God has for us to do (persecutions or no)? How many of us think about that when we watch tv or play games? How many of us take notice of this passage for what it is rather than brush it away as something mind boggling?