Yesterday i got a card with the verse:

"...Rejoice in all the good things the Lord your God has given to you..."Deut 26:11

(missing people and feeling so left behind...)

.......

The tears I’ve shed the past few months can overflow a bath tub…funny huh?(fakes a laugh). Like small kid only...everytime cry…
I prayed that You would change me, to be the person You want me to be…no matter what it takes….yet I complain when You answer prayers…
How can I learn so many things at once? To respect leaders I naturally don’t, to obey when I don’t believe in what they say, to open up to people who can be not-so-sensitive, to reach out when I’m already struggling just to enjoy company…(just a few of the many, I’m sure there are lots more)
Then people around me can be divided into two groups mostly…those who say “Why you can’t just obey?” and those who say “It’s okay, you don’t have to…” I wish there was someone who would just be there and not say anything….IMU can be such a lonely place….

LOOK TO HIM

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin. Hebrews 4:15

The International Standard Bible Encyclopedia puts it nicely enough :
Over against a sinful world He stands as a Saviour who is Himself without sin. His is the one life in humanity in which is presented a perfect knowledge and unbroken fellowship with the Father, undeviating obedience to His will, unswerving devotion under the severest strain of temptation and suffering to the highest ideal of goodness.

Wow. Sometimes it seems that I know You…other times, it seems that You’re above comprehension and everything imaginable to me…What kind of a person are You?

I’m feeling better…

I'm so tired of everything....

WHO AM I? TELL ME WHY?!

Why do I feel this way? Is there something wrong with me? These questions have plagued me for months. Only yesterday, in frustration, I wailed to God, “I can’t understand myself! You created my inmost being…” Today, God spoke.

The NEO Inventory
No, this has nothing to do with the matrix. The NEO inventory is a copyrighted personality test (meaning you have to pay to take it) that measures differences among normal (I am normal) people and gives an idea of what makes an individual unique in his/her ways of thinking, feeling and interacting with others.
The reason why I could take this test without paying was because IMU CF got hold of our behavioral science lecturer in IMU to give a workshop on discovering our gifts and talents.
It measures five domains: openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness and neuroticism (emotional reactivity/stability). My score sat in the very low range for extraversion and below outside the very low range for agreeableness in females.
Yes, I am introverted, reserved, serious and prefer to be alone or with a few close friends. And yes, I am hardheaded, skeptical, proud and competitive. However, I DO NOT tend to express my anger directly as my results show, and I AM NOT hostile like what my JPA psychoanalysis says. Rather, I avoid. Actually it may be because if I don’t then I’ll express my anger directly la, but so far I’ve always avoided (I am however starting to realize that avoiding may actually be worse).
So how does this translate into how I relate with people?
I am unconcerned. Unaffectionate (or rather don’t know how to be), solitary and self-sufficient.

However, my personality trait is not ‘who’ I am, it is merely ‘what’ I am.

After completing the test, the lecturer gave a short talk on how people value themselves and her own journey of discovering who she is.

Who am I? Am I a daughter? No, it is merely my role. Am I a student? No, it is merely my job. Am I a Chinese? No, it is merely my race. Who then, am I, outside all these?

On how people value themselves, there are those who say, “I am of value” because I achieve. Others…I am loved, I look good, I am needed or I have power.
What makes you feel valuable? What happens when those things are taken away? Does it mean you cease to exist? Only if it defines who you are.
I feel that I am of value because…. I achieve and I am needed. So what happens when I don’t achieve? When I am not needed? Which explains why an A minus will never be good enough and I try to juggle a myriad of things; and I do incomprehensible acts like lend my car to others more often than I use it myself. Because it reinforces my value…All 6.6 billion people on earth may love me, but if I don’t achieve or am needed…I am of no value. On the other hand, if I do achieve and am needed, it doesn’t matter so much whether I am loved.

But yet, it is who I am that defines what I do, not what I do that defines who I am.

Who am I? I am a child of God, my identity is with Christ.
What is my value? Priceless, I am worth God’s only Son.

Why is it that I keep trying to define who I am by what I do? Is it not enough that I am a child of God? Or do I believe it can be earned or I can be more worthy of it? Or is it just because I am not as matured as I think I am, so much so that whether other’s think I’m a ‘good Christian’ matters a lot? Do I merely do things so that others will think that I’m a ‘good Christian’?

How far am I required to submit to authority? Even when it breaks me?
It breaks me because I have to be what I’m not, and that is hard. Because being ‘who’ I am requires that I be the complete opposite of ‘what’ I am.
Can I be both ‘what’ I am and ‘who’ I am? It’s obviously possible because others have managed…but at a price…
It breaks me because I fail again and again…I don’t achieve, therefore I am of no value. Because I do not achieve, I am not needed…again, I am of no value.
In CF, the focus is knowing who God is and who I am in Him…reaching out is complementary and secondary. If I were to tell CF that I managed to sit down with an unbeliever during lunch and chat, they’re all gonna go “Three cheers for Linda!” clap clap…clap clap clap X3 clap clap clap clap..clap clap….. instead of asking me whether I invited the person to CF. I am of value in CF.
The feeling that I get in church is quite the opposite. I am of no value…seems to be reinforced again and again.
Why do I feel this way? Is there something wrong with me?
Why am I still hanging on in my church when I feel that I am of no value there? Because I choose not to believe in a lie, regardless of how I feel. But I still feel how I feel after one whole year and I still feel uncomfortable. Somehow, talking about it seems to reinforce the ‘I am of no value feeling’. Is it my fault? I feel that it’s time I stop being a Martha in church and just be a Mary instead. I need it badly….

The NEO test says that for most individuals, personality traits tend to be very stable in adulthood. Unless one experiences major life changes or make deliberate efforts to change, it should apply throughout the adult life (although one might score somewhat differently).
Making deliberate efforts to change…is tiring. I feel hopeless…because it seems impossible. I feel lonely…because my personality trait makes it hard to open up and people may be judgmental and not so understanding when I actually do succeed to open up. I feel stressed…because expectations are more than I am capable of. I feel immature…because I keep feeling this way….

As Sarah Ong says…I am an imperfect person, living in an imperfect world…yet trusting a perfect God…who makes all things beautiful in it’s time.

For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Ps 139:13-14

So CF theme this month is really for me…and thanks CG people, for merely being there…Mummy is soooooo touched! (Actually, I’d prefer if they’d stop calling me that).

MY FEELINGS LIE

"Love is a choice, not a feeling..." Teach me to keep making that choice every single new day, no matter what my feelings say....

AT THE CROSS

Oh Lord You’ve searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me

Your Holy Presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me

You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me

At the Cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There’s no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done

And when the Earth fades
Falls from my eyes
And You stand before me
I know You love me
I know You love me

This song by Hillsong is dedicated to one of the great young men in their church, Jeremy Wong, who went to be with the Lord on 25th Feb 2006, to honor his life and thank God for the stand he made for Jesus Christ.

If everything was already done for me at the cross, then why do I still struggle? How far do I really believe? How much do I really understand? How well do I really know my God?

SPIRITUAL HYPOCHONDRIASIS

“I want to die…”
It’s just one of those times when you feel utterly defeated. You don’t want to talk about it, because every single word that comes out will ultimately serve to condemn yourself. There is no way to justify myself. I am guilty as charged, and that I know. But I am yet unrepentant. Hypochondriasis in layman terms is thinking that you are suffering from some sort to serious disease and becoming excessively obsessed with it. I’ve practically labelled myself with every negative label that I’ve heard from those referring to “not me but other Christians out there”. But they don’t know. That I am perhaps “indifferent, selfish, hypocritical…not wanting to change”. Basically, “someone you shouldn’t waste your time on.” Fact or spiritual hypochondriasis? Every single day I suspect more and more that it’s the former. I am indifferent, to the fact that preaching the gospel IS a commandment, selfish because I refuse to sacrifice my own comforts for the sake of making friends, living a double life….and the fact that I DO know, but yet refuse to change! No, frankly I’m not interested in leading outreach cell, (and I doubt whether anyone fit to be a CG leader ever says anything like this)….I’m tired of struggling, of being the ideal Christian, the ideal disciple, the ideal church member….i give up! I don’t wan’t to struggle anymore! I’m happy the way my life is….am I? Could I really be?
“A Christian who isn’t struggling is a dead Christian”. So in essence when I say that “I don’t want to struggle anymore”, I am actually saying “I want to die…”
Therefore I can't say such things....ever.
Who am I that You are mindful of me?
(And I’m glad that there is One who never gives up on me even if I and everyone else does…including myself!)

END OF 1ST YR (I'm still in medical school!)

Despite my efforts to remind myself that I have to update my blog, almost one whole month has passed, and I have only one post up before my holiday officially comes to an end. I have been busy. Really. Erm, not with studying, I have yet to revise my Sem2 stuff...despite my dear's efforts to remind me that he did and therefore I should also. Yes, leave it to me to push everything till the last four days of my 1 month plus break. I can vaguely remember telling my batchmates in the 1st week of rotations, "We HAVE to start revising NOW, or else we'll never get to it!" Ha ha...I'm a genius, I haven't got to it...yet. I'm gonna sit for the killer exam in 20 weeks! What am I doing? (Ladies and gentlemen, please count down the days to my EOS and remind me everytime you see me, I'm serious!) Quoting from Dr Timothy Song himself,"...because of orientation and IMU Cup, your respi will be screwed although it's an easy one to score. Hemato will be too difficult for you to comprehend, therefore it is also screwed. And GI will be impossible for you to finish, it is definately screwed. So, in short, your Sem3 EOS is screwed!" Yes, we all need to hear that...bummer...unless I take every lecture seriously, and knowing me...sigh. Anyway, it's a sin to fret, so I'll stop right here. I'll just trust that He'll bring me through as He always does...
Instead, I want to thank Him, for a break that I felt was well used (I think). From going house to house to pray for the Sems 1, 3 and 5 before their EOS, attending sewage treatment lectures, my KKB posting (seeing two deliveries and countless stiching), spending time with my family (how they bear my cooking and driving, plus watching those darn korean movies), learning how to cope with an angry patient (or not), the trip to Penang (spending time with matt n meeting up with ee ling), one-on-one discipleship, the Mission Trip and practices with the "tempang" Sem5s n 3s (I am Sem3 now), reading at least 4 whole books, meeting up with ECF seniors, to watching Superman and Pirates of the Carribean with very special ppl...most memorable holiday so far, definately enjoyed it more than the last one...I better hit the books pretty soon...

DREAMS AND MIRACLES

How many of us can honestly say that we still believe in dreams and miracles? What is a miracle? Getting a parking space in a busy mall at peak hour? Is that all that He does or the greatest that He can do? Provide a parking space? Help you pass your exams or even grant you an A? What was the greatest thing that He has done for me? Get me a scholarship? Is that all? It isn’t a question we’d like to answer…because we don’t expect, therefore we don’t see…The world has taught us not to hope, no, don’t aim high, you’d most probably be disappointed…Oh, don’t dream big, you’ll never achieve what you want anyway…And we not only believe them, we even subject God to these lies…But no, it isn’t true…our God never disappoints, there is nothing that He can’t do…
We’ve been believing in lies all along…and still do…
Open our eyes to see truth in the midst of a world that is blind, that we may restore sight to a world where lies are truths and truth is considered too good to be true. How else can we show the way when we ourselves are blind?

THE STORY

I remember in standard one, we had to tell a story in Bahasa Malaysia, and how I stood up in front of the entire class and told the story of creation and the fall AND got an A for it (cos unlike the rest, I was spontaneous and didn’t need to read from a scrap of paper). No, the point of this post is not to brag about how I got an A, it‘s the fact that I was seven and I stood up in front of my class, and told a story from the Bible. No, I didn’t tell them how Christ died for us on the cross to pay for our sins then rose again on the third day (I doubt I really understood the significance of it then anyway). But still, it was a part of the Bible AND my classmates loved it. Then the very next day I brought my book of children’s bible stories to school, and showed my classmates...I was telling the world (then my world was my class) at the age of seven…And now, to just approach the subject of Christianity with non believers, a million what ifs would cross my mind. I try not to sound too offensive...Oh, you don’t have to believe it but this is what I believe…What has happened? The truth is, many would want to know…but we’re afraid of telling them. Why? When 16 years ago it didn’t require any thought at all, just tell…That was child-like faith. We’ve been robbed of it, because of the very way we’ve been brought up, we’ve been taught to fear…to fear talking of your religion as if it was the only true one, converting Malays, not living up to what we preach, being seen as pushy by others. A million precautions, taboos, what ifs…What has the world done to us? To me? We were called, not to have minds that can prove all the others wrong, nor to have that magnetic charisma that draws the crowd, nor superhuman organizational skills to put up the greatest, most perfect evangelistic meeting. Sometimes we think that so much is required of us, when all He wants is just child-like faith and a willing heart. Will I be able to get a glimpse of what it was like to be that seven year old kid again? They’re all lies, and we don’t even realize that we’re falling for them…
You said that You are the truth and that the truth will set us free…
To me then, it was just a great story, and I wanted to share it with my class..
Now I know, it wasn’t just any story, and the God in that story isn’t just any god, He IS God…why am I not sharing?
No, you don’t have to go sit down in some quiet place and close your eyes and concentrate really hard to hear God (not always). He’s in everything we see and hear…if only we’d take time to look for Him. It was just the memory of a book, the sight of it, the remembrance of an event…and everything He had to say about it…

THE POEM

Five months of longing, of being apart,
So much to tell, where shall he start,
He’s happy, he’s thrilled, he’s giddy, he’s gay,
Because he likes me, more than he can say.

So in poetry he writes, with poetry he'll tell,
Words from his heart, from his feelings as well,
That he’s fallen for me, it’s just like a dream,
Nothing’s quite real, or how it should seem.

He wants to hold me, to tell me he does care,
He’d like to assure me, he’ll always be there,
Yet he knows, the future’s not his nor mine,
It belongs to God, may His glory shine.

Through both our lives, through each of our days,
Yes, may we always be found, following His ways,
To seek His will, to seek His face,
To trust in Him, and find His grace.

That even if, we should be apart,
We’d be closer together, near to God’s heart,
Than we’d ever could be, choosing on our own,
To be together, and not be alone.

And taking this step of faith, yes I do fear,
But still will I choose, to be with my heart’s dear,
For though the future, it’s not ours to see,
In His great arms of love, forever we shall be.

ROTATIONS

It’s not that I didn’t have anything to blog about for the past two weeks; you could say that life in IMU has really hit me in the face. System courses, this IS the real thing (although CVS is supposedly the easiest system in IMU). Now I see why some become disillusioned, and studying becomes the main priority in life, this is when all they look forward to is a slip of paper that bears the lone triangle. I am reminded that I too, could easily fall into that, I have every reason to….to fulfill my dreams of a certain University, to meet the expectations of my dad and worse still my own, to live up to the image of a scholar and also the image of a Christian….but it’s not all about me, how much I try or even how pure my motives seem to be. It’s times like this that I realize in comparison, You never asked more than I could give, yet You asked for ALL that I have, along with all that I am. Hmm…..question is can I give my all? Yes, not by might nor by power, but by Your Spirit. I will hang on to that, I give my IMU days into Your hands….
Rotations is the perfect time for relaxing, but of course not a time to be idle, which I hope I will not be…please guard me against that, I have a tendency to oversleep these days. So far had lectures on sewage treatment (yes, it’s related to medicine…preventive side), just spent almost two hours studying pictures of parasites (those darn Plasmodiums…grrr), will soon be going off to the famous KKB posting where we’re sent to observe clinic settings for five days…then there’s always the Orang Asli mission trip in August to look forward to…bathing in the river, sarong and all…wonder if I’ll manage? The medical semester is almost nearing it’s end, now only the slaughtering of Sem5 left…I can hear the shouts of the Sem1 ppl getting their End of Sem results right now….that seemed so long ago…yup, the entire Sem2, in just one blink of an eye…but I’m glad.

GOTTA KEEP SINGING

Another rainy day
I can’t recall heaven’s sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place

But when I am stuck, I can’t move
When I don’t know what I should do
When I wonder whether I’ll ever make it through….

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
You’re the one that’s keeping my heart beat
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
And that’s the only way that I’ll find me

Can I climb up in Your lap?
I don’t wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing…
You’re everything I need

(by:mercyme)

SIGH...

I have always prided myself in being dependable and trustworthy; paying attention to details and signing everything I do with a mark of excellence, or at least the best of effort. Today, I had a time frame of 30mins to borrow a red spot book for a friend. It’s one of those times when, no, I didn’t forget, I had everything planned out, go to the library at four, look for the book, borrow before 4.30. I think I saw the time wrongly when I decided to shower? I ran. Couldn’t find book. Found book. Brought to counter. 4.32pm. System closed. So close, yet so far. Of course my friend said that it was ok. But I feel terrible…worse than terrible, just disappointed at myself. How could this happen? No…
It’s not about the book, it’s the feeling of failing someone you never did before, of ever failing anybody, but most of all, fail to reach your own expectations. Yes, I expect a lot from others…there are people whom I’ve thought of as sloppy, irresponsible, careless…but I guess even the best of them will fail you at times, cos we’re only humans.
There is only One who will never fail us. May I never look for perfection anywhere else than in Him, cos I will find none. I prayed that He may teach me humility, and as have always happened before, He’d never miss the chance to mold us more into His image when we willingly ask….therefore, when you pray, be prepared of the consequences! Feel better, but still….
Sigh, I do have a tendency to make a mountain out of a molehill…

SYMPATHETIC STIMULATION

Stressstressstress….all because of one name: Rajesh. Oh, he’s our Cardiovascular system course coordinator who gives lecture notes with more than half of the essentials missing. It took me almost two hours looking for all the missing pieces of information for just one lecture, and he’s the one taking the bulk of our lectures for this system…arrgghhhh! Nice guy, intelligent fellow who laughs at his own jokes… but lousy lecture organization and notes! Help….It’s gonna be one loooonnngg weekend….
But the more stressful thing? PMS (not Pre-Menstrual Syndrome, but Pre-Matching Syndrome). Nah, it actually stands for Partner Medical School. Under the twinning program, we will rank the PMS of our choice from 1 to 23, and each PMS will also rank us from 1 to (?) according to their set of criteria - that is what you call the Matching Process. So here I am, determined to get to Melbourne form day one of my IMU life (because of one very silly reason of fulfilling a certain teenage dream), however now I realize that there are several obstacles in my way:
1. There are only 4 places in Melbourne, and worst case scenario (grossly exaggerated) about 100 of us who might want to get there.
2. JPA has made it compulsory for all of us to put Australian Us at the top of our list, which means competing with all JPA scholars who will undoubtedly put either Melbourne or UNSW as their first choice.
3. The recent policy change in the UK (foreign students are not allowed to do their post graduate degree there) means that I’ll also be competing with at least a quarter of my batch mates.
4. The matching process that supposedly gives a higher weightage to our preference may be random to a certain degree (owing to the fact that some good students don't the U of their choice which was given to the poorer students)
So yeah, it’s like God saying to me in my naïve days in Sem 1, “Do you think I can do this?”, and now the same question, with the addition of the above factors, “Do you still believe I can do this?”. I admit, I need a greater measure of faith. It’s like what Sarah was saying, “God, I don’t care if You put me in a U that I don’t want to be in, just tell me now!” Man, I’m gonna have PMS for a loooonnngg time, since I’ll never know for sure till 11/2 years from now. (We only undertake the Matching Process in our 5th Sem, um, ya, in certain things I look further ahead, the stress might go away in perhaps a month’s time, but the cycle will undoubtedly repeat itself every time my seniors get their PMS results)
All that and knowing that I am guaranteed of the U of my second choice (Queensland) if I write in now, as they come in a first come first serve basis cos Queensland is not in the Matching Process since you’ll have to do a degree in B. Med before going over…kinda complicated. To make it simple, I get second best if I would decide to go for it now and give up the best U which I have a very slim chance of getting into, and it’s one or the other, no second chance.
And I’ve decided to believe that my God is BiG enough to get me in Melbourne, but even if He chooses not to, He will make sure that I get into the BEST U, not my best, but His best.

I know this is really early, but here’s my 1 to 6:
University of Melbourne
University of New South Wales
University of Adelaide
University of Western Australia
University of Newcastle
University of Tasmania

If you would look carefully, it’s actually in the order (first four, or five if you include Queensland) of the cities in which a certain conference will be held, and the last two, in comparison of the amount I would spend on transportation to get to that certain conference. Call me mad, deranged, whatever…that’s my top six, for now.

THE LITTLE BOY

Once upon a time, there lived a little boy and his elder brother. They lived at the edge of a forest, on a little farm with a stream flowing not too far off. The little boy, being too little to concern himself with ‘manly’ duties, would tag alongside the elder as he went about his daily routine, always observing with the utmost attention. It would be a simple chore, such as cutting wood for fire. And the little boy would stare in wonder, saying to himself, “Wow, what strength big brother has, that he parts logs with just one strike of the axe! When I grow up, I’m gonna be just like him, and part logs with just one strike!” The little boy can’t very well lift the axe above his own little head, but is satisfied with carrying his elder brother’s axe for now, always glad to be of some help.
And so it would be, the little boy tottering along, taking two steps with his short legs for every step that his elder brother took. On the farm, he would watch intently as the elder went about feeding, tending, sheering and milking, thinking, “How knowledgeable big brother is, he know best how to handle each animal! When I grow up, I’m gonna be just like him and know all things!” In the meantime, he was content with carrying animal feed around, struggling with all his might with the big pail, proud that he was of service.
On another day, the elder would want to fish, but seeing that he did not bring his rod along, the little boy would quickly offer his, honored that the elder would use his humble rod. As usual, the little boy would sit by the elder, amazed with the like, “How well big brother can fish, bringing in the biggest fishes with such skill and patience! When I grow up, I’m gonna be just like him and catch many fish!” The little boy would then beam when asked to help carry home some of the catch of the day.
That was how it was, every single day. Now the elder brother would be going off to college, and little boy sits and wonders to himself, “Will I ever be like big brother, and when?”

THRILLED...AGAIN

I actually lost my pen drive two months ago…have been using my mp3 player as a substitute all this while. I posted up notices, but no news, so I took them down. I’d have given it up for lost, but now someone has found it and returned it. Did the person feel guilty? I will never know. I guess God was trying to teach me to hold on to nothing on this Earth but Him and Him alone. I may be robbed of many things, but no one can ever steal my God. Also that He hears and answers prayers….it may be two days, or two months, but He answers prayers definitely. He does have funny ways of doing things, I’m never in lack of surprises with such a God, ha ha!

THRILLED

Ha ha...IMU has replaced the computers with these super cool acer veriton, Pentium 4HT! I'm now downloading stuff from e-sword in 10 mins when even my streamix at home takes one hour! Sleek mouse, stylish CPU! Super fast!!!
CG today was on the Bible, evidences of it being inspired, formation of the canon, apocrypha and pseudegraphical books. I could feel the level of stress of my batchmates climbing as we went into the formation of the canon. Yeah, it was a little too deep perhaps, considering I actually took about a month on and off of reading...plus, there was a non-christian in our midst! Confusing for my CG mates, more so for her! But I explained as best as I could. Yup, it was challenging for them. At least now I guess they're provoked to find out more about the book which is the foundation of our faith, and to really know the Bible cover to cover, inside out and all around. And the girl is interested to read the Bible now! I just prayed on Wed itself, inspired by the SEM1 CG that has non-believers attending, that one day I would live to see the same thing happening in SEM2 CG. That was a very fast answer! And I used the term 'live to see'. Ye of little faith. Yup, it's my dream of dreams that CG will not only be a place for Christians to edify each other, but also be a place where the lost can come and find out more about God...I'm thrilled!
Yeah, long day today, with music practice in the morning for the coming high praise session, CG, lecture then PBL, which I had no time to prepare, only printed out something from the net to present. As my PBL mates were presenting their's, the facilitator shot out numerous questions for them, and this time, my stress levels went up with every minute. When it came to my turn, no questions from the faci, how odd, how relieved I was! Ha ha, thank you God! Saved again, by His grace...Anyway, my topic was on risk factors of tachycardia...so no big deal perhaps.
I better go back and study from the first week this time around...Another music practice in church tomorrow...Oh, did I announce? I bought a new toy!!! Sansamp GT2 amp simulator, RM 590. One word-sweet. Well, that was like two months ago d...

A HEART FOR PEOPLE

It seems that God really is breaking my heart for people. Going to Seremban Hospital, seeing patients all around, it does strike a cord deep inside. One 56 year old Indian lady, both legs amputated, had been there on the very same bed for five years. Her son visits rarely. Another old Chinese lady, told her life story in a jumble of Cantonese, Mandarin and Malay, related her life, wiping tears in between. Of how she met her husband (now gone) during the Japanese Occupation and how hard it was simply to live, but they had to go on, of her children, grandchildren…great-grandchildren, of this doctor who refused to receive RM2000 but only RM1000 for her surgery, how she feared for her life in the operation theater, but was reassured knowing that the surgeon was one of the best, and how every now and then in her life story, she’d always refer to that doctor, saying, “Good doctor, good doctor..” and that she’d always remember and be grateful. Of how she said life is filled with obstacles, but we have to be strong…and how it’s the heart that counts (“Must have heart…” ) as a doctor….
And I wonder, will anybody in the future ever refer to me as “Good doctor, good doctor..”? Will I, seeing patient after patient, be desensitized to their pain and forget that it’s the heart that counts, not medicine or surgery or the money? Will I see just physical bodies in need of a cure, or souls in need of a savior and not me, a mere doctor?
I don’t know, I really can’t tell…and I say that I WILL serve the full ten years and not ‘break the bond’, but am I even aware of the hardships I have to face if I made that choice to stay?
May I never forget why I was called…
Do I even realize the mere weight of it?
I’m beginning to…
And of course, the Petaling Street Feeding Program, how the plates of rice were stacked up into a mountain, how the people came…some singing and clapping along to the worship songs and others grumbling when food will be served. That these people lived with no security of food and shelter, sleeping where they would find a roof and eating where and when food was available…Jesus too, had no sure shelter nor food, sleeping wherever, and trusting the Father to provide...
Would these people know my Jesus better than this pampered, ‘rich’, city girl with cares insignificant to the their needs? To see a world different from what I was used to living in, a world that much of us would rather ignore and pretend that it did not exist, with people we would rather not talk to or associate with, people we call sinful and pass judgment on, without realizing our own sins of self-righteousness and apathy…until we are reminded, that He came for the very ones like these. And what am I doing here, complaining when I have a roof over my head and food to fill my hunger, a solid education and assurance of my future, although nothing is ever for sure…What do I know of pain and suffering? (But we all can and do suffer inwardly, regardless of how rich or ‘fulfilled’ our lives can be…just that I find mine to be as insignificant as dust now) And knowing that I have Hope, when most of them don’t…
Again, words are cheap, all say, no actions…what’s the point? That’s why I always admire those who live it out rather than just talk about it, or be ‘emotional’ about it for just a while. Will I be all talk and no actions as well? More and more, I’m determined to make a good doctor, also to do what I can while that dream is still so far away…