OF DRAPINGS AND CLOSINGS

I've been wondering... that in movies, when people vacate houses, there's always a draping of furnitures and the necessity of walking down the hallway and of closing all doors within the place. Why such extravagance?

Similarly, when a person departs from life, there is a manual closing of the eyelids and a draping of the face. But of course, here, it's the least we do to honor the dead.

Is there something that happens with the draping and the closing?

When I first stepped onto Melbourne soil, I told myself to be ready to depart at completion of my medical degree in three years. But, lots of things have changed since then. I too, am quite a different person compared to the girl who alighted from the plane at the start of 2008.

Life can be quite unpredictable.

Melbourne has been a very memorable place of passing [metaphor disclaimer!], and as such, it is difficult to let go. I am reminded that at the end of 2008, I sung too,"This world's not my home, I'm just passing through.

The time has finally sped by, and I now find myself at the end of my beginning. In comparison with most of my batchmates, I don't exactly feel relieved that I'm almost done with exams, nor do I think graduation day will be a joyful one for me...

For... I am walking through the hallway... draping and closing doors.

We drape and close doors to acknowledge how much something meant to us, to take in the last view and to imprint the image of what-was in our minds; and at the same time hoping that what is draped or closed would be preserved not only in memory but also in real life. By the doing, we also indicate and remind ourselves that we are willfully moving on and closing a chapter in our lives.

[and here I go with my emo-ness again...]

I am draping and closing doors one by one.

And when I come to the door that is OCF... there I will stand the longest.

I never thought that there'd be a bunch of people with whom I can be more 'myself', than I am when I'm on my own; or have friends who loved me enough to ambush me twice on my birthday then make a music video out of it; people to camp in the library with and play poker/boardgames till the wee hours of the morning. Not to mention all the other crazy and fun things!

I have laughed so much more in the limited time that I've spent with them, compared to the past 22 years of my life combined before I arrived in Melbourne.

Definately one hard door to close!

Ah, and there's also that one other door that I've left slightly ajar still. The final clicking of the door can be such a hard one.

WAKE ME UP WHEN NOVEMBER ENDS

[Elijah] came to a broom tree, sat under it and prayed that he might die.... Then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep. 1 Kings 19:4-5

Sometimes I feel like I'm like Elijah who ran into the desert to hide, and threw for himself a pity-party under a tree.

But yet, even in the desert I find:

A Rose of Sharon.

Yellow little flowers of friendship.

Poetry and songs.

Even voices singing out of tune.

Lord, do not leave me desolate. If I look for a tree where I can sit down and feel sorry for myself, burn it up so I can sit under Your withering gaze and examine my self-pity for what it is.
Gentle Darkness, Rowland Croucher

THE END OF THE BEGINNING

Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.
Ps 77:19


In real life I don't appreciate beaches and sunrises/sunsets as much as other girls that I know. But somehow, they do feature quite prominently in my reflective and metaphoric writings.

A 'quote' that I sort of came up with sometime this year goes like this:"You are the sea, and I am a beach. Mighty waves sweep over me, whenever and however You want; over rocks, sandcastles and waste - leave no part of me untouched." That is what I am trying to depict in this reflective sketch.

On the beach, is everything that I hold dear this year and typifies me - the guitar that gives me identity and expression; the sandcastle of career aspirations, my plans and life goals; the traced heart of a hope never come to pass; and in the midst of those, little yellow flowers of friendship that amazingly, grew on beach soil.

This year has been a year of learning to surrender what I want, my meagre hopes and dreams and plans, so that His may take the place of mine. To be really honest, I still do sometimes ask Him, "Why?". But I shall leave Him to answer those in His own ways and time.

The challenge at the end of this year is to walk the path through the sea, to reach a destination that I cannot yet see and know not where; I only know His promises, that it is a 'land flowing with milk and honey'. And this He has reminded me:

"The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place."
Deut 1:30-31

It is the verse of comfort that is written on a background of high and terrifying waves.

And the cycle of sunsets and sunrises, are reminders to me of His abundant grace - that He never fails to supply with every sunset and sunrise of my days, or seasons, or years.

Thus begins, the end of my beginning.

Help me, Lord, to get my priorities right, so that the busy burden of this time may be turned into blessing.

WHAT IS SHUT & WHAT IS OPEN

I'm now exactly one month away from my (impossible-to-fail)finals, and exactly 3 months away from the start of my working life.

At this moment there are still a number of things that need to fall into place, and lessons in letting go continue as usual (blame me the slow-learner).

I want to stay, to keep the friendships I have built, to continue serving in a church I have grown comfortable with, to walk down familiar streets and to maintain status quo.

But what I want, I know full well, will not be the best for me. If I had my way in the many things that I asked God for in the past one year, many things that I treasure right now would never have had the opportunity to blossom. It is true, "Some doors have to be shut tight for others to be thrown wide open."

I admit, there are doors this day, that I still sometimes hope will reopen; but I do not sit and wait outside those doors. No, I move on, though still glancing back once in a while to check that there isn't a door that has become somehow slightly ajar.

You are God, and I am not. And You have proven Yourself in my past to know what's best and to bring out the best.

Yet, why do I still fear and not trust with all my heart? That as Ps Sunny said to me, "I feel that God is going to do a wonderful thing in your life, in a new area that He is bringing you to." What does it take to have unswerving faith in a God who has never failed me? (Does that not sound like an oxymoron?)

Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place."

In spite of this, you did not trust in the LORD your God, who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go.

Deuteronomy 1:29-33

Faith, like love, does not have its origin in us but in God; yet, still is - a choice.

You go before me, in fire by night and in a cloud by day.

TIME IS NOT ROUND!

It was one of those rare occassions that I agreed to lunch with some of my coursemates at a restaurant called 'Grumpy Green' in Fitzroy. As the sun was up and breeze cold upon my face (my perfect sort of day), I walked the 30 mins instead of tramming, eventhough I did have a validated tram card. The walk just made me wonder again - why do people take trams when they could just as easily have walked?

Ever noticed perfect blend of yellow and green and crimson amongst the canopy of trees? Or the way the slightly-greyish clouds are layered and folded against the backdrop of clear blue sky? Or the way the sunlight flickers through leaves that are nature's own windchimes?

Some think that time is a circle - what is now present, has already been before and will be again this time of the season next year, or on such a day as this when it next comes around. But, in a sense, what has been will never be the same again in exactly the same way - the leaves will never tinkle in that exact same pitch again, as that bird in that particular tree chirps in that exact tone, against that greyish hue of clouds in that same detailed fold, as the wind sweeps the fringe of my hair in that annoying way in that exact direction and movement... know what I'm saying?

But it doesn't matter to us, nor do we dwell on them... because these things mean nothing more than passing beauty, and we never take any more notice of them after that one glance (normally).

I felt that day, as if God was saying to me, "Take notice! Because the things that are now, will never be in exactly the same way again."

Now don't spend every second of your time dwelling upon how nature is now, and will never be again. That is not what I meant to say! Rather, metaphorically (because I like metaphores) - what I meant to say was - that particular person will never laugh in that exact same tone again in response to that particular thing that you said, nor that other person so need that firm arm around them at that exact moment when they were thinking about that particular circumstance, or that one encounter with a stranger be the beginning of a rare and deep friendship of a lifetime.

TAKE NOTICE.

When I was in first year, I wanted to graduate so that I could get on with life. And now, I want to relive every moment, and sometimes wish that I'd have spent my time differently; but find that I can't.

Time is not an enemy to be killed. It is a gift to be used. It has to be used right now, because time is not a circle, it is a line. The face of a clock is round, seducing some people into believing that time is unlimited because it keeps going round, seducing some people into believing that time is unlimited because it keeps going round and round. If time is a circle, they think they will have another chance. The calendar is round, and some people think they will always have a chance to do next year what they have failed to do this year. Time is not round! Time is a line! Every second that passes flies off into space and is gone.

Oswald C.J. Hoffman, a sermon entitled 'The Gift of Time'

Father, times past that I have regretted because of unspoken words and inaction - I give to You, and for those that I have no regrets for, I thank You. For the time that is, I pray help me discern between what is best and what is good; and for the times that are to be, may I be a faithful steward and not let fear breed into regret.

When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart

(Tim Hughes - When the tears fall)

A QUARTER-SPIRITUAL LIFE CRISIS?

The clock continues ticking... and I now find myself in the 3rd week of my General Medicine rotation. After two months of embracing this nine to five daily routine, I can finally experientially say, "Working life is not easy." If I am not intentional about how I spend my time, my life will literally fall apart. The phrase, "Relationships are all about sacrifice", also, take on a completely new depth of meaning; and what more ministry (which seems to have taken almost a back seat right now).

And throughout this period there's this particular recurring feeling.

I feel GUILTY. Guilty that I choose OCF rather than Soup Van, and again, having lunch with OCF people rather than Street-E. Guilty that I've completely stopped going for church cell group and International Student Ministry corporate nights, because I want to gym with people who matter to me (who happen to be from my OCF cell group). Guilty that I've not spent much time (if any) with course mates or attended any of their gatherings. Guilty that I feel annoyed whenever someone I don't know that well asks for my time to hang out or catch up.

Of course, underlying that feeling of guilt are many other recurring feelings that are rather difficult to pinpoint, and often times confusing and perplexing as well. I guess this quarter-life crisis thing is still here to stay. Or is there more than just a quarter-life crisis? A quarter-spiritual life crisis???

And I have this other co-morbidity too: Lack of time to reflect.

Give me grace, give me mercy. For I am in a time of need.

GP LAND

I am now 3 weeks into my General Practice Rotation, and loving it.

You never know what's going to walk through the door each day. Yes, I get my fair share of muscle sprains, diabetes mellitus and chronic pain... but that's not what I meant.

Life is a wonderfully fragile thing, and yet so rich - with experiences, dreams, feelings, lessons and encouragements. Everyday for me is like a day watching autobiographic movies - some beautifully imperfect, others weirdly amusing, and still others, awe inspiring - all with one catch: the author is just sitting right in front of me.

I never know what autobiography will be told to me each day.

Medicine might not be so bad afterall, although about a quarter of the time I get the diagnosis and management plan wrong.

I've also met a Paediatrician in the refugee clinic who did some time in Malawi (South Africa), and a patient whose mum was a doctor in Zimbabwe for a few years and is now working on improving public health in developing countries. Suddenly, medicine don't seem so frustrating or limiting no more. I've always known this, but it just sinks in even more now - medicine can bring me places - places I want to be - and it's all very real.

So as I see patient after patient, nine to five, with the standard consultations and gluteal antipsychotic injections and even frustrating aged health assessments on over 75 year olds (arrgh)... I look forward to next year and the years thereafter (eventhough my prince charming is still nowhere in sight).

Medicine can bring me places, but I hope that I bring places more than just Medicine - let me bring them You.

EMOTIONS

Highs and lows.

Thrills and fears.

Shouting out and holding back.

And not much time to catch my breath...

Between selfless duty and selfish desire.

Yet knowing... I will not fall out of my seat...

Because He holds me firm.

ONLY YOU

There are many songs that I put on repeat because of the music rather than the words. This one by Brooke Fraser is one of the exceptions. Brooke Fraser must have written this one being inspired by reading C.S. Lewis (absolutely my favourite author!) The theme is somewhat similar to the first song that I wrote (Homeward Bound).

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

[CHORUS]
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
An avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

[BRIDGE]
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming

[C.S. Lewis Song - Brooke Fraser]

Learning to not only live but thrive upon these desires raging within me, knowing that nothing in this world can satisfy... only You (no matter how many times I may be deceived and think otherwise).

ROOM IN MY HEART

I am not a hymn person. Although I do sing with all my heart to The One the hymns are written for, I must say that it’s quite ridiculous how most hymns don’t give you a breather in between verses (when played in the real hymn way), and my, are there MANY verses. I always feel as though I have to sing the entire hymn in one breath! For that reason I always dread hymns eventhough as part of BSF, I’ve been singing 3 hymns per week for the past two-and-a-half years.

But tonight for once, I sung a hymn that did minister to my heart.

Thou didst leave Thy throne and Thy kingly crown,
When Thou camest to earth for me;
But in Bethlehem's home was there found no room
For Thy holy nativity.
O come to my heart, Lord Jesus,
There is room in my heart for Thee.

Heaven's arches rang when the angels sang,
Proclaiming Thy royal degree;
But of lowly birth didst Thou come to earth,
And in great humility.
O come to my heart, Lord Jesus,
There is room in my heart for Thee.

The foxes found rest, and the birds their nest
In the shade of the forest tree;
But Thy couch was the sod, O Thou Son of God,
In the deserts of Galilee.
O come to my heart, Lord Jesus,
There is room in my heart for Thee.

Thou camest, O Lord, with the living Word,
That should set Thy people free;
But with mocking scorn and with crown of thorn,
They bore Thee to Calvary.
O come to my heart, Lord Jesus,
There is room in my heart for Thee.

When the heav'ns shall ring, and her choirs shall sing,
At Thy coming to victory,
Let Thy voice call me home, saying "Yet there is room,
There is room at My side for thee."
My heart shall rejoice, Lord Jesus,
When Thou comest and callest for me.

(Emily Elliott)

I am not a hogger, so I wonder at the many things that have managed to find their way into my room and stayed. However did they get here?

My room is much too cluttered these days.

When was the last time you checked to see how cluttered your heart is?

In the same way that our rooms can get cluttered without us realizing, our hearts too, can get stocked up with many things – the dreams that were formed and fed and cherished, the worries that started small and grew into fear invoking giants, the plans that were at first vague then added to with each passing day till there stands a looming tower, the occasional blue that brooded into a formidable grey gloomy sky… and those little trinkets of ‘necessity’ that were cures for boredom then turned into addictions.

Is there any more room… for Him?

Thank goodness for the broken pieces, else I would not have looked, else I would not have discarded what had become much too costly to keep.

Do you need some spring cleaning too?

May You come and find that there is always plenty of room for Thee.

HMMMM

Every single social gathering now involves periods of zoning out as I realize that this will probably be one of the few last times that I'd be able to spend with this particular bunch of people.

As the clock ticks on my remaining 4 months of student life, I'm aware of a sudden new predicament - I don't know how to express to all these people just how much they mean to me!

Hmmmm.

A PENINSULA

On Monday, I received the results of my internship applications. I will be spending next year at Peninsula Health, which is in Frankston, an hours train ride from Melbourne city where I’m currently staying (IF I accept their offer).

After a year of blogging about ‘Following God where He calls’ and ‘The Malaysian dream’ and ‘Lifting clouds’ and ‘Goodbyes’; I now find myself in the midst of all these. You know what? It’s really easy to blog about them, but when it comes to the real thing… I admit, I’m no less than TERRIFIED.

[There comes a time when] ‘tentative belief must become true commitment.’ BSF notes

I say ‘IF I accept their offer’ because I’m still not entirely sure if it falls within God’s will for me. I really don’t know how useful I’d be as a doctor to Malaysia if I trained here. But then again, I’m not entirely comfortable with how training goes in Malaysia – throw you into the sea and it’s up to you to sink or swim.

This year has been a year of struggling to trust – especially when many things aren’t turning out as how I would want them to be. I’ve been asking Him for encouragements to make up for the things that can’t be… and He has answered – in the faces of friends whose faces were downcast when they learnt that I’ll be moving away; in the really great bargains that I got when I went shopping for a new phone, antivirus software and even chips(!) yesterday; words on the blog of a person going through similar struggles 3 years ago; and the coming hour, for a Man who walked the face of this earth 2 millennia ago brought afresh again through my BSF notes.

Life ain’t just about carrying our crosses (although that’s what everyone frequently emphasizes) or the dying kernel of wheat. It’s also about the resurrection that follows and the production of many seeds – and that comes from supernatural sight.

In the same way, my life now ain’t just about shattered dreams or heart wrenching goodbyes or the weight of adulthood. It’s also about being sent out to a community to serve not man but God, new dreams and new friendships, and an opportunity to now support my family financially for the nurture that I have received over the years.

Whoever was it that said – ‘Your disappointments may very well be God’s appointment’.

And so, Frankston is my appointment for the coming year.

The cloud is lifting… time to pack up the tents again. Amazingly, the cloud will settle on a peninsula. And I remember, that it was on a peninsula - that I was born.

NIGHT TIME RANTS

I can’t remember when the last time I ranted on my blog was. Lets just say it doesn’t happen very often.

I’m gearing myself up for Monday: D-day. The day that determines where I start off my medical career. Yes, I’m somewhat excited, yet fearful and unsure. Why does it seem like such a big step? Why does it seem to me like this determines so much more than just where I undertake my internship?

It has taken me some time to finally accept that my Indonesian fairy tale isn’t going to happen. Now I wonder why I never saw that my love for honor and country will always take center stage – that if there is to be any ‘happy ever after’, it has to be a Malaysian one, or NONE.

Sigh, I must say that the desire for a ‘someone’ has been very real to me this past semester while writing up cover letters and resumes. I’ve suddenly realized that the path to medicine is a lonely one. It’ll be hard to build relationships with church or community when one is being sent all over the place for various rotations and shut up in hospital most of the time. As much as I am glad that I’m no longer with my ex, I must admit that having someone to return together to Malaysia to serve was quite ideal.

Now that I will be turning quarter century very soon and graduating to start off my medical career, I’m wondering… will my journey always be that of a lone traveler?

It is at this point that faith bears me. Faith in a God who has brought me this far and picked me up from mistakes and disappointments and holds my hand and walks with me… although sometimes His footprints are unseen.

So I hold in my hands the hopes and dreams of the quarter century medical graduate as I always have. I am beginning to learn that sometimes in the letting go, you find. That is the great paradox. Whoever seeks to save his life loses it, but whoever loses his life for Christ’s and the gospel’s sake finds it. Be patient with me, as I lay them down one after another till I come to You empty handed, yet full.

Oh, and did I mention that I went to Hillsong Conference 2010? Perhaps a post on it soon will be good.

Did I also mention that what I never thought would be something that I would miss has indeed turned out to be the one thing that I will find hardest to leave after two and a half years? OCF. But that, as well, deserves an entire post to itself someday.

Goodnight.

THAT UNSEEN COUNTRY

When I was doing my rural rotation in Benalla, I had a day with the vet to make farm calls. As we drove between farms, big open spaces like you only see in movies were just right there in front of my eyes: white birds gliding serenely against a backdrop of grand rolling green hills and endless clear blue skies, and dew still on the grass beneath; while the cool yet gentle breeze sent my fringe all a-flying. I was in wellingtons and farm garb, experiencing one day in the life of a vet.

That day, I had a glimpse of what heaven would be like.

The difference between the old Narnia and the New Narnia was like that. The new one was a deeper country; every rock and flower and blade of grass looked as if it meant more. I can’t describe it any better than that: if you ever get there you will know what I mean.

It was the Unicorn who summed up what everyone was feeling. He stamped his right forehoof on the ground and neighed and then cried: ‘I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now. The reason why we loved the old Narnia is that it sometimes looked a little like this.

CS Lewis, The Last Battle

The reason why we long for certain things in this world and find them hard to let go of when the time comes is just that – that they bear a strong resemblance to our Home Country, and it just feels so wrong and heart-wrenching to have to let go because our Home Country will be ours – not only for a moment or a season – but for eternity.

And it is in times like these (very much needed to jolt us awake), that we feel rather Homesick… when longings go unfulfilled and goodbyes need to be said.

Yet when Christ was still on earth, He said:

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”

John 14:1-4

Soon and very soon, my King will come.

Until then, let not Homesickness hinder the joy that has been set within our hearts, and let us work while it is still daytime.

*FYI, I've always wanted to be a vet most of my life... and in some ways, still do*

THE RAINBOW

Many things have been going through my mind lately... and with them, many mixed emotions. But I'm not going to blog about these.

Rather, this morning as I came out of my backyard onto the hospital grounds in Benalla, I was greeted by a huge big rainbow. Most rainbows I've seen always seem far away on the distant horizon and high above the sky. Not this one - it seemed near and reachable.

I will hang on to Your promises, when all else shakes beneath me.

We are pilgrim people, a people who have decided never to arrive, a people who live by hope, energized not by what we already possess but by that which is promised: 'Behold, I create new heavens and a new earth.'

William S. Coffin

Pondering the silent author, the deliverer with unseen footprints, the unrecognized travelling companion... (refer previous post)

This is my God.

One day, You shall be fully known to me, even as I am fully known to You now.

Till then...

watch over my coming and my going, both now and forevermore - keep watch over my life.

Ps 121:7-8

ON THE EMMAUS ROAD

I guess wherever I may be next year, as long as I am still able to have these quiet moments with You, and glean from Your Word in Your Kairos time... that'll be more than enough for me.

Something that cheered me up yesterday:

I went to the theatre
With the author of a successful play.
He insisted on explaining everything;
Told me what to watch;
The details of directions,
The errors of the property man,
The foibles of the star.
He anticipated all my surprises
And ruined the evening.
Never again! And mark you,
The greatest Author of all
Made no such mistake.

Christopher Morley, No coaching

Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.

Ps 77:19

We are travellers, always on the road, and rejoicing to be on the road, for there, as on the Emmaus Road, Christ reveals himself, not in absolute information, but in the burning heart.

W.B.J. Martin

As I walk on my Emmaus Road, let me learn what it means to walk by faith, and not by sight. Amen.

You are the sea, and I am a beach. Mighty waves sweep over me, whenever and however You want; over rocks, sandcastles and waste - leave no part of me untouched.

GOD'S TODAY

I pray each day
For a change to come my way
But there are some things
That are not meant to be
It feels so strange
I’m in a place called home
Yet I feel so alone

No hands to hold
I was left in the cold
The meaning of life
Not so clear
A friend to no one
Stranger to everyone
I just long for
A family of my own

Yet I know, yes I know
That someone is watching over me
Yet I know, yes I know
That someone out there is watching over me

It’s not what I would choose
So close a thing to lose
Although no one can see
I have lost a part of me

(Watching over me – emmaus)

When I first heard this song, I thought, “Hmmm… this could be my graduation song!” (I’m not looking forward to graduating at all… for many reasons ie. social isolation)

But then… even if it does come to that next year, how priviledged am I, that Someone has chosen to draw me to Himself?

“No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him…” John 6:44

What if… I weren’t one of these whom He has chosen to draw unto Himself?

Instead of missing what has been, or dreading what will be, I should live the life that only came by grace, in God’s today.

Accept surprises
that upset your plans,
shatter your dreams,
give a completely different turn to your day
and - who knows? – to your life.
It is not chance.
Leave the Father free
himself to weave
the pattern of your days.

(Dom Helder Camara, A thousand reasons for living)