Pondering the silent author, the deliverer with unseen footprints, the unrecognized travelling companion... (refer previous post)

This is my God.

One day, You shall be fully known to me, even as I am fully known to You now.

Till then...

watch over my coming and my going, both now and forevermore - keep watch over my life.

Ps 121:7-8

ON THE EMMAUS ROAD

I guess wherever I may be next year, as long as I am still able to have these quiet moments with You, and glean from Your Word in Your Kairos time... that'll be more than enough for me.

Something that cheered me up yesterday:

I went to the theatre
With the author of a successful play.
He insisted on explaining everything;
Told me what to watch;
The details of directions,
The errors of the property man,
The foibles of the star.
He anticipated all my surprises
And ruined the evening.
Never again! And mark you,
The greatest Author of all
Made no such mistake.

Christopher Morley, No coaching

Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.

Ps 77:19

We are travellers, always on the road, and rejoicing to be on the road, for there, as on the Emmaus Road, Christ reveals himself, not in absolute information, but in the burning heart.

W.B.J. Martin

As I walk on my Emmaus Road, let me learn what it means to walk by faith, and not by sight. Amen.

You are the sea, and I am a beach. Mighty waves sweep over me, whenever and however You want; over rocks, sandcastles and waste - leave no part of me untouched.

GOD'S TODAY

I pray each day
For a change to come my way
But there are some things
That are not meant to be
It feels so strange
I’m in a place called home
Yet I feel so alone

No hands to hold
I was left in the cold
The meaning of life
Not so clear
A friend to no one
Stranger to everyone
I just long for
A family of my own

Yet I know, yes I know
That someone is watching over me
Yet I know, yes I know
That someone out there is watching over me

It’s not what I would choose
So close a thing to lose
Although no one can see
I have lost a part of me

(Watching over me – emmaus)

When I first heard this song, I thought, “Hmmm… this could be my graduation song!” (I’m not looking forward to graduating at all… for many reasons ie. social isolation)

But then… even if it does come to that next year, how priviledged am I, that Someone has chosen to draw me to Himself?

“No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him…” John 6:44

What if… I weren’t one of these whom He has chosen to draw unto Himself?

Instead of missing what has been, or dreading what will be, I should live the life that only came by grace, in God’s today.

Accept surprises
that upset your plans,
shatter your dreams,
give a completely different turn to your day
and - who knows? – to your life.
It is not chance.
Leave the Father free
himself to weave
the pattern of your days.

(Dom Helder Camara, A thousand reasons for living)

CAUTION: VIRULENT STRAIN!

Sometimes falling sick is a good thing.

Because I am sick, not only do I not feel up to more social activities, but the basic responsibility of protecting others from my most probably hospital aquired viral strain means that I shouldn’t go within 5 metres of them.

There are many things in life that are good and enjoyable, but there are times when we must distinguish between the good and necessary, and the good but unnecessary.

AND I also feel that I shouldn’t be going in to the emergency department to further spread this virulent strain that has taken down half of the people in my group.

Plenty of time for ‘rest’ and ‘quietness’.

In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength… Isa 30:15

I am sorry that I am slow to embrace where You have placed me, but strived to hang on to where I want to be. Let me learn to see and accept my place as a final year medical student not as a burden that pulls me back from all I want to do and places I want to be, but as Your divinely appointed place for me… ‘for such a time as this’.

HOW HE LOVES US

It was a girls’s session by Sarah Koh of Life Expedition (no, this is NOT one of those BGR talks) – OCF Easter Camp 2008.

She spoke about ‘What is it to be a desperate woman of God?’ (thank goodness I always take notes! )

This is the passage where Jesus appears to Mary Magdalene on Resurrection Sunday (John 20:10-15):

Then the disciples went back to their homes, but Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus' body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.

They asked her, "Woman, why are you crying?"
"They have taken my Lord away," she said, "and I don't know where they have put him."

At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

"Woman," he said, "why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?"

Mary turned around but did not recognize Jesus. Why?


Have you ever tried to read while you’re crying…? If you had, you would quickly realize that it is impossible to both cry and read at the same time.

So what about recognizing someone whom you thought was dead eventhough he’s just there standing right in front of you?


In essence, Jesus was saying to Mary, “Why are you crying? I am here… can’t you see?”

But of course, when we’re crying – we can’t see. And what more now, when He is not here in flesh.

But His voice is ever present (although usually not in an audible form).


Jesus said to her, "Mary."
She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, "Rabboni!" (which means Teacher).
(vs 16)

“Mary’s desperation for Jesus enabled her to press pass her tears and recognize His voice, eventhough she was still crying.”

Of course, unlike Mary, many times we are desperate for all the wrong things in life. But still, Jesus’ words would still be the same to us as to her in her crying.

“This passage may not be relevant for you now, but there will come a time when you will find yourself in the same position as Mary… and when that time comes, remember… Desperate women of God press pass their tears and recognize the voice of Jesus.” Sarah Koh

Jesus says to us this day too, “Woman, why are you crying? Can’t you see?”

“I am here”.

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane,
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are

and how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

We are His portion and
He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption
by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss

and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets

when I think about the way

He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
OH, how He loves

(Kim Walker/ Jesus Culture – How He loves us)

THERE IS SO MUCH DYING TO BE DONE!

The Learner: How often am I to surrender myself, Lord, and in what matters am I to leave my own preferences behind?
The Beloved: Always; at every moment, in small things as much as in great.

(Thomas a Kempis, The imitation of Christ)

I think I’ve told several people lately, “Nothing is turning out like how I want it to this semester.” I am learning more and more, to leave my own preferences behind.

Did I not say that I would follow wherever You lead? You lead me to victory, yet, no victory comes without first passing the Cross. Without Good Friday, there would be no Easter Sunday. Without the emptying, there can be no filling.

‘When Christ calls a man (or woman), He bids him come and die’. Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I gladly come, for Your yoke is easy, and Your burden light. And in truth, there is no other place I’d rather be, than right here with You, my King of Glory.

But, oh, ‘there is so much dying to be done’!

*The irony: I am now doing my palliative care week*

FOR THE LORD'S REKNOWN

Sometimes, certain doors have to be closed for other to be thrown wide open.

As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.

Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD's renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed.

(Isa 55:10-13)

I see.

I hear.

HAVE MERCY ON ME

I am currently reading a book entitled 'Revolution in World Missions' by K.P. Yohannan during my half-hour train rides from the city to my new posting in Broadmeadows. I got it for free at the mission's fair in my church last week! :)

One of the issues raised in the book is how Christianity today has replaced evangelism with social justice, some even thinking that meeting physical needs in themselves are the end-all. It is true, even if millions of people have been well cared for in this lifetime, we would still have failed miserably, if not one soul has been saved for eternity. With that belief, K.P. Yohannan established 'Gospel for Asia' with the aim of restoring the focus back to preaching and discipling. And I find that I agree with him to a certain degree.

So in the midst of the overwhelming social needs of my community (esp healthwise), I must never forget - yes, their physical needs are dire and we cannot but respond, but what they really need ultimately is the Gospel - the only means for salvation.

There was also one part that I especially liked.

The typical media testimony goes something like this: " I was sick and broke, a total failure. Then I met Jesus. Now everything is fine; my business is booming, and I am a great success."

Yet testimonies of believers in third world countries often go like this: " I was happy, I had everything - prestige, recognition, a good job, and a happy wife and children. Then I gave my life to Jesus Christ. Now I am in Siberia, having lost my family, wealth, reputation, job and health."

I think... we should not come away being cynical of the first sort (which really is bread and butter testimony in a certain church that I sometimes attend) [and really, I am saying this more to myself than anyone else]. What is important is that believers will choose to say 'blessed be Your Name' whether it is rain or shine; and we thankfully accept from His hand whatever he chooses to bless us with - whether it be comforts or suffering.

But I also think that one can never be too wary of material comforts - better safe than sorry. I've only been in Melbourne for only two years, yet I notice the seeping in of 'worldliness' - things that I never would have spent on two years ago - like dresses and movie tickets and eating out. I wish that I could have 'fellowship' without spending on any of these - but it is very hard here in Melbourne. It's like, the more friends you have, the more you have to spend. Yet, missionaries in some parts of the world are sleeping in ditches and have no more than the shirt on their back.

Lord, have mercy on me.

*Learning once again, to live simply and creatively - whether it is by walking or sacrificing coffee or consuming the same dishes for days*

WHY IS NOTHING GOING AS HOW I WANT IT TO GO???

NOSTALGIA

I have a propensity for nostalgia. So here goes another one…

One of the greatest things about college was that there was FREE PRINTING! So during that two year period, I would go and print out the lyrics and chords of every single song in every Hillsong or Planet Shakers album. And I have this clear book folder where I keep all my hoards, which I subsequently brought over to IMU and then to Melbourne.

Of course, many of the songs in that folder I don’t sing anymore. But there is one section that always gets flipped to when I feel that I need a prolonged time-out. It is the album ‘More Than Life’ by Hillsong United. Never was there an album more singable (perhaps after transposing, haha) and more heartfelt.

So especially from ‘Always’ to ‘More than life’, thank you, Akasia, for the free printing.

Your mercy found me,
Upon the broken road,
And lifted me beyond my failing,
Into Your glory,
My sin and shame dissolved,
And now forever Yours I'll stand

In love never to end,
To call You more than Lord,
Glorious friend.

So I throw my life upon all You are,
'Cause I know You gave it all for me
And when all else fades,
My soul will dance with You,
Where the love lasts forever.

And forever I will sing,
Lord forever I will sing,
Of how You gave Your life away,
Just to save me, Lord You saved me.

(Where the love lasts forever)


But more than that, thank You... for giving my soul a Reason to sing.

I came to Jesus as I was,
Weary, and worn, and sad;
I found in Him a resting-place,
And He has made me glad.

(Horatius Bonar, The Voice of Jesus)

GOD LOVED

When we love we hand ourselves over to receive from another our own triumph or our own tragedy. W.H. Vanstone, The Stature of Waiting

A book has many chapters. For each of us, our chapters are varied in length, number, plot, and its own measure of ‘triumphs’ or ‘tragedies’.

Yet, did you know, all share the same prologue?

God Loved.

So another chapter ends for me today… I shall not say in triumph or tragedy, because who knows? Sometimes what appears as tragedy might not be so a few chapters on into the book. At this point, however, it seems to be tragedy.

Yet, our own triumphs or tragedies are never The ending, because two millenias ago (or before time began, depending on how one sees it) - God Loved. Some this day still think that there was only tragedy in that, but others have come to know better. Indeed, I have. :)

Oh, and do you know what’s in the epilogue??? =D

(If you must know, that’s a rhetorical question)

BE STILL [RELAX, LET BE] AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD

‘Be still and know’. How can God give us visions when life is hurrying at a precipitate rate? In have stood in the National Gallery and seen people gallop round the chamber and glance at twelve of Turner’s pictures in the space of five minutes. Surely we might say to such trippers, ‘Be still! And know Turner!’ JH Jowett, Thirsting for the Springs

‘Be still and know that I am God Ps 46:10’

A person can enforce ‘stillness’ from activities, yet his mind and heart can go on being restless – or rather should I say ‘her’, because I am referring to none other than me.

We have a sheet that lists the datelines for each step in the internship application process. That's many datelines on one sheet! Everyone in the batch is very aware that Chronos (natural time) is ticking.

Personally, the desperation to be present with others whom I have come to love continues. But, in choosing some, I lose some… and it hits me in the face again, that even if I had 48 hours in a day, I will NEVER be able to be present with everybody, everywhere, everytime.

Why have I let Chronos get such a hold on me?

What happened to Kairos (God’s time) – which never runs out? What happened to knowing that I will one day have all eternity to spend with those whom I love, even if in 7 months time it might be ‘goodbye’ for all Chronos?

Let me be still… to relax the grip of my hands, and let be. Let be - that I might not be able to be there, that I might miss out, that people and time might pass me by... it does not change who I am to You or who I am in You. Let me be able to say that it is okay, to stop striving, and know in my mind and heart, that You are God – sovereign in every season.

Silence [is]… a gift, one which is ‘promising’ in the true sense of the word. The promise of this silence is that new life can be born. It is this silence which is the silence of peace and prayer, because you are brought back to the Other who is leading you. In this silence you lose the feeling of being compulsive and you find yourself a person who can be himself along with other things and other people.

Then you realize that you can do many things, but it isn’t necessary. It is the silence of the ‘poor in spirit’, where you learn to see your life in it’s proper perspective. In this silence, the false pretences fade away and you see the world again with a certain distance, and, in the midst of all your cares, you can pray with the psalmist:

If Yahweh does not build the house,
In vain the masons toil;
If Yahweh does not guard the city,
In vain the sentries watch. Ps 127

Henry Nouwen, With Open Hands

Be still, oh, my soul… and know that He is God.

CONFESSIONS OF A MELANCHOLIC

I remember the matching process to get into Melbourne University. The waiting, the anticipation, the fear of opening the letter when it was finally within the grasp of my hands.

But it was quite different then. I was in the top ten of the Dean’s List… and I couldn’t think of any reason why God wouldn’t just grant me what I wanted.

Fast forward 3 years into the present – I am nowhere near the Dean’s List, and I myself can think of a million (okay I’m exaggerating) reasons why I should just pack my bags and fly back end of this year for good.

From now till the next holiday… it will be a high stress 3 months (because the application for internship in Victoria is such a competition), because this is the path I chose. As OCF Bible Study 3 says, “God does not fight our battles for us, but with us.” I do not assume that His will might include internship here for me, but even if it does I’ll still have to do my part, from which there is no escaping.

If this isn’t want You have in store for me, then close doors, or rather do nothing… because even in current circumstances I will need a miracle, for You to actively open doors. And if and when the castle that I’ve so carelessly and subconciously built for myself comes tumbling down, hold onto me, because great will be my anguish, that much I know now. In that day, provide me with shoulders to cry on, for I will need them.

My Professional Development tutor says to us, “Bad news can be a relief, but not knowing can be anxiety provoking, and for some, too much to bear.” Indeed. I admit that one day in these 3 months will seem like a week. I stand by my claim that “ If we know that God is good, and that He loves us… there are many things that we will not need answers to.” Sometimes it is not the end result that matters, but the process of constantly aligning our hearts to His while we wait. Still, we emphasize so much on the end result rather than what is in-between which matters most.

May I spend these 3 months (or what feels like 90 weeks) doing just that – aligning my heart to Yours – regardless of what the end outcome is. May I wait upon You, rather than wait for circumstances to fall into place as I want it to, and in doing so, learn the art of soaring upon wings like eagles.

I’m reaching my hands to yours
Believing there’s so much more
Knowing that all you have in store for me is good
Is good
(Today is the day – Lincoln Brewster)

There are two types of breaking.

One where it is acute, the pain severe and the tears overflowing in a flood. But because it is so obvious, others gather around and carry you through, and though the pain severe... it's over with very soon.

The other sort is chronic, where the pain comes as your heart slowly cracks day by day and the tears are sparse, but nevertheless there. It is long drawn, and no one realizes very much that it is there. And I too, sometimes don't. But it is.

Because there is no answer from the one my heart is given to.

"But my King of Glory, You're bigger than my broken heart."

HIGH MOUNTAINS, DEEP VALLEYS

Since coming back to Melbourne, I’ve been busy with lots of things ie. church, hospital attendance, job application, OCF etc. And I admit that I’ve ben carrying a few more burdens this year compared to my previous years in life. I needed a break and a mountain-top experience – just to be free of my concerns, to again see ‘Who this King of Glory’ is, to focus once again on His greatness instead of my manifold needs, to open my eyes once again to the bigger picture of His kingdom and my part in it instead of just my own little future plans/hopes/dreams. Easter camp was for me and I bet for many too, a mountain-top experience.

It was a great four days in that sense, and also because of the people who went with me. I’m grateful for them just being there with me on my mountain-top experience, be it just sharing in the fun, or praying with me as I cried, or taking walks/emo times by the lake, or being victims of my ever ready camera. XD

I turn this night to devotions of Transfiguration Sunday. I think it’s a pity that not all churches celebrate the Transfiguration Sunday, because the passages associated with it is so relevant that we need to be reminded again and again.

Peter, James and John all had a mountain-top experience on the Mount of Transfiguration. They saw Jesus in his glory and majesty. Later on, Peter turned to Jesus and said, “Let’s set up tents here up on the mountain…” Presumably, he wanted to stay there indefinately. However, the passage ends with them not staying on the mountain, but descending back into the valley below.

These are excerpts modified by me in regards to this passage in Matt 17:1-9.

“Jesus knew the task before him and he needed the vision from above before he went to fulfill it. He faced the valley that was Jerusalem by going first to the mountain So it is with us. We need mountaintop experiences and we especially need them with Jesus.”

“But we cannot hang on to them and we can’t stay forever on the mountain. That was the hard lesson for Peter. Eventhough the fulfillment of God’s plan was glimpsed on the mountain, Jesus came back down to the valley because there was work to be done. And we must come down from the mountain as well.”

“Let’s not think our lives are fulfilled just because we have some grand moments on the mountain (ie easter camp) from time to time with the Lord. When everything is good and beautiful and clear, we want it to stay that way. But we can’t hang on to yesterday’s glory or face tomorrow with the courage of the past. Jesus goes to Jerusalem and as disciples we must go with him. The vision of the mountain thrills us and sustains us. We need it. But there’s a reason for living way down in the valley, that only the mountain knows.”

May our mountain-top experience give us new strength to once again face the concerns and responsibilities that we left when we went up (they’ve not dissapeared). Hopefully camp has realigned our vision with God’s, so that we now see the things that we had left for awhile from a different light - from God’s viewpoint.

And I was wondering if you had been to the mountain
to look at the valley below?
Did you see all the roads tangled down in the valley?
Did you know which way to go?
Oh, the mountain stream runs pure and clear
and I wish to my soul I could always be here.
But there’s a reason for living way down in the valley
that only the mountain knows.
(John Henry Bosworth)

There is still work here in the valleys to be done, and needs that will need to be met. But we know that we are not alone, “even though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we will fear no evil, for You are with us, Your rod and Your staff, they comfort us.” Jesus himself descends to the valleys with us, and He is always near whenever we choose to call upon Him.

Walk with me throughout 2010… give me strength to carry out Your will, guidance in the path before me, wisdom in priorities, and peace to accept with open arms Your plans for me.

Hold me in Your arms, if and when my heart should break…

You are my King of Glory.

THIS EASTER

I'm taking off again this Friday…

It was two years ago that I went for this:

...only two months after arriving here in Melbourne. The phrase “Who is this King of glory?”, the song "Give us clean hands" and Psalms 24 has always stayed with me since then.

And now it’s only four days to my last CF camp (as a student) in this lifetime!

It’s anyone’s guess how my priorities are arranged this year. It doesn’t take rocket science to realize that OCF is right on top of the list… well, second I mean.

Early this year I’ve already sorted my priorities. They go like this:

1. GOD/ bsf
2. OCF/pharos
3. Ministry/Medicine

And I have been observing that quite rigidly. Everything else will take the backseat for now.

I’ll make it up to Pharos (my church cell group) if I end up staying in Melbourne – I shall move over with them to ‘Yound Adults’, leaving the ‘International Student Ministry’ banner (Not that Pharos was really very much a part of ISM). As Clara said, “There’ll never be a time when you’re prepared for working life, you’ll just be thrown into it.” Somehow, I find that comforting… because I don’t feel prepared to make that transition at all. I still want to live the student life!! But the cloud will definitely lift in this aspect. Whether it still stays in Melbourne or shifts to Malaysia, only God knows, for now at least.

In the meantime, this Easter weekend... Coonawarra here I come!!!

CHUNKS OF UNHURRIED TIME

There’s nothing like being able to sit down with my BSF homework, with a cup of coffee at hand and Maria Shandi’s songs plugged in my ear; and knowing that I have the rest of the day to just continue doing that.

I remember one of our cell studies back in my days in IMU: The one recipe in relationships – chunks of unhurried time. I’ve realized more and more how true that is especially in the past year (because I have less and less chunks of unhurried time available!)

No matter how busy I get, there is one relationship that I absolutely cannot neglect, even if it means at the cost of other relationships or responsibilities… one that if I don’t guard, I stop functioning as a person (and I know this by experience).

So for the sake of sanity, friends in hospital, keeping irritability at bay, and my future career in medicine – I’ll have to make sure that I get two nights of ‘chunks of unhurried time’ in a week, no matter the cost, even if it means that I will have to miss out on yet another OCF outing or not put my hand up for something.

No compromise.

Promise.

I’m SOOO looking forward to Easter break. One week of ‘chunks of unhurried time’!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =) =) =)

I honestly can’t remember any other time when I looked forward to a break more.

BY YOUR SPIRIT

Sometimes I wonder if it is only by God’s grace that I’m still doing medicine.

Don’t get me wrong, I do like what I’m doing, and I do like going to the hospital, but I hate the fact that medicine takes up 25-30 of my waking hours in a week (and that’s minus studying time)!

Sigh, this is my last year, possibly in Australia, and definately my last year being a student. Whether I like it or not, at the end of this year, things WILL change. And it seems like there’ll be so many changes and transitions all at once too! >.<

At this point in time, I’ve not been studying much (if at all). I have to confess that I have a deep fear that if I study, I will miss out on the people and the things important to me. I don’t want this year to pass me by - because I have to study - especially when I know that from next year onwards, medicine will be so much a part of my life that many others will have to take second place, or even dropped.

So, it is hard not to hate medicine right now.

In times like these, I remember the Israelites as they were passing through the desert. I remember how they complained about many things – and mind you, many of them were fair things to complain of: no water, no food, no meat, tasteless food, the same food; and not to forget the soarching heat. Yet, even if we complain about things that seem fair, what we’re really saying is ‘We’re entitled to it but God has not provided’, or rather that what God has provided for the time being is not enough for our needs.

All complaining is therefore complaining against God. And the root of all complaining is a lack of trust… trust in God, that He knows and provides for all our needs – ALL our physical, emotional and spiritual needs.

My heart trusts in You.

Bring me through this hectic semester and the next… because looking at my schedule, it all seems very full-on and never-ending.

So he said to me, "This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: 'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty. Zechariah 4:6

Yes, by Your Spirit.